Thursday, December 29, 2011

Episode 50: A Review

Wow.. has it been 50 posts so far?  Ok. I admit, I have been really lax at posting for the last week or so, mostly because of my complete lack of internet connection.  I am currently sitting and soaking up the warmth, the coffee and the ambiance of Noah's bagels... and stealing their internet.  I won't get mine back until the seventh.

I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back.  I have to get back on track for a few reasons.  I may  have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong.  I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy.  I also just want to be healthier.  So, that is what I'm going to do.

When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction.  If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body.  I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!

In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life.  I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me.  I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in.  I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back.  As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.

This new year will be a new start for me.  I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year.  My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner.  I guess I just needed a catalyst.  I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well.  I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully.  These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.

Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again.  I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel.  I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.

I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.

Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new.  I hate moving.  I hate looking at the old memories.  I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself.  I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable.  I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now.  My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while.  Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.

I know that I can make it on my own.  I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be.  Life is what you make of it.  Today, I am making it my own.

Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Episode 49: What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet, so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes."
Juliet said it best.  A name is just a marker that is chosen for us at birth, something that our parents choose for us, something that we don't really think about, because we think it is out of our control. If I change my name, I will still be the same perfect person that I am. And so, as Juliet requests of Romeo, I may doff my name.

As we grow up, we identify with our names, we become attached to them, for the most part. As a woman gets married, in subservience to her husband, she changes her name to his, allowing him to dominate her nomenclature and taking away a part of her orginal identity, melding herself with him. He does not take her name, and stays the same person, not allowing himself to be subjugated, but instead becoming dominant.  It's been this way in our society for at least a thousand years, and women have put up with it. Hell, I've put up with it.  I changed my name when I got married. I thought it would bring me closer to my husband.  Things change.

I've been thinking a lot about my name, and posted a bit to Facebook about a possible name change, which prompted this post.

Now that I am divorcing, I have a chance to go back to my original name. Actually, it's even drawn up in my divorce papers that I will return to Victoria H----, but I'm not sure about this.  My name has become sort of a sticking point for me for as long as I can remember.

I was born Victoria H---- over 35 years ago.  My parents decided to call me Vicky, which changed to Vicki when I got to kindergarten and was asked which way I would like to spell my name.  (I think I simply asked which letter comes first in the alphabet and decided that was how I would spell my name.)  I was Vicki H--- from kindergarten until my sophomore year of high school.  As Vicki H----, I was mostly subservient, quiet, kind, polite, not much of a troublemaker... for the most part.  I had my fits of teenaged rebellion, but Vicki H---- was who I remained for a very very long time.

In my sophomore year of high school, I grew very rebellious and changed quite a bit.  This new identity that I created, this rebellious teenager who wouldn't take shit from anybody was called Tory.  When I moved in with my grandmother briefly during my sophomore year, when asked what I would like to be called (Victoria was too formal), I told the teacher's Tory, and for three months, Tory went to Menlo-Atherton high school.  Tory H----- was kind of a no nonsense kind of girl. I liked her.

I returned to Stockton and my name, changing it just a little bit to Vicky H----. The addition of the Y did little to change me and I returned to the girl I was. When I became interested in computers, my computer handle was Vixen, or sometimes Vixen Vipere, after a old device that my boyfriend and I had used in our writing. It was short for Vixantrayil, a name that I played with like a toy, a character I had created for a book that we had written together. 

When I got married, I took my husband's last name as was tradition and was Vicky L---.  We got married in 1998 and I stayed Vicky L--- for at least 7 years. Everybody still called me Vicky, at least family and friends, but I was in college and Vicky just seemed too..childish.  Vicky, in my mind, was a cheerleader, a sorority sister, a little girl with pigtails and just wasn't who I was anymore.  I attempted to get people to call me Victoria, which seemed much more professional and was the name that was put on all of my degrees. But my friends and family insisted on calling me Vicky... except one person. 

With one person, I confident and powerful and I didn't take shit. He made me feel strong.  For this person, I was Tory again.  He called me Tory for a good five years, and I loved him for the confidence that he seemed to give me.  A false confidence, I am sorry to say, for when he pushed me away, all of that confidence broke. 

With a little time and healing, I knew that I could not go back to being Vicky again and Victoria didn't quite fit right. It felt a bit big for me, so I took the name Tory back and made it my own. I grew confident, I added my middle name to it and became ToryLynn online (although everybody still called me Tory).  I grew into ToryLynn and became strong. I felt confident, I felt powerful, and I felt good finally being who I really wanted to be.  I joined writing groups, I became a big part of the writing community on Second Life for a while, and I felt like a better person. I had found my power. 

Unfortunately, as I gained my power as ToryLynn, Vicky was being left far behind with my husband.  I grew apart from him as I pursued my creativity and my power.  I feel bad about doing that, especially today.  Now, I am leaving him. It's not like I suddenly stopped loving. It is that I grew up and became a different person.

So, now this new person needs a new name.  In some societies, you are given a child name, something that your parents and family call you which is a personal name just for them.  When you grow up in this society, you are given a new name by an elder, or are asked to choose your own, something that represents you.  This new stage in my life is giving me a chance to choose my name and become a new person. The strong, confident, beautiful woman that I know I can be am.

I am reluctant to return to H----- as I don't want to be the child that I was before I got married, and I don't want to keep my husband's last name, since I have outgrown that as well.  I consider changing it to McGregor and becoming Victoria McGregor, which would look good on a book jacket, and Tory McGregor, which sounds awesome, and very ethnic to me.  Back to my Scottish ancestors, honoring my blood.  Another option is Victoria French, my grandmother's last name. Both are options which I find interesting, which I think are good. 

I will try on both for the next five months, and make my decision once my divorce is final.   I will give it a lot of thought.

Until next time, I am just


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Episode 48: Adulthood

He asked me today what was my proudest moment.  I answered without hesitation that it was the day that I got my BA.  I continued, volunteering that my second proudest moment was the day that I stood in front of my own classroom for the first time.  He still tells me every day, in one way or another, that he is proud of me, but most importantly, I am becoming proud of myself.

So, you know how, when you're a kid you often have to have an adult tell you to "eat your vegetables"?  I think I need an adult in my life now.  I haven't really eaten a lot of vegetables in recent years. In fact, I pretty much hate vegetables.  I realize that I'm an adult myself, I realize that I have a lot of really great things going for me right now, but I still hate eating vegetables.  It may be that I haven't yet found a vegetable that I like particularly well.  I'm willing to try some.  I'm willing to try a few, actually. For instance, today I bought some brussel sprouts.  Brussel sprouts have been my most maligned vegetable ever. The first time I tried to eat them, they had been boiled and they nearly made me gag.  I have had many people tell me that brussel sprouts are actually pretty good, so I am willing to give them another try. Now I need to find some recipes that may make brussel sprouts palatable.  I've heard a few.. fry them in butter and garlic, roast them with garlic, roast them with onions... If you have any suggestions, let me know. The bag I got from TraderJoe's says to microwave them within the bag and I'm kinda icked out by the idea.

I'm taking more pride in who I am.  When asked about my proudest moments, I have quite a few.  College graduation, becoming a teacher, and now, kind of.. getting out on my own and being my own person.  I'm not looking to anybody to support me and I can take care of myself.  I have worked hard for a lot of my victories.  I studied, I read, I planned on ways to help myself become successful.  My success is not only my own. Others have helped me along the way, and have supported me, and while I appreciate all of their help, I was the one who got the degree, I was the one who became a teacher.  I know this sounds selfish and prideful, and perhaps it is. I worked hard to get where I am today.  What I'm going through lately, with my divorce and my weight loss, is also going to take a lot of work and a lot of time to get through.  I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends and family who will be there to back me up and support me, but I also know that I have hard work that only I can do.  I have to start planning out what I eat, making plans, sticking to them, in order to be successful in weight loss.  I have to start planning out a budget and sticking to it in order to be successful in my finances.

I've never been much of a planner. In the words of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman", "I'm kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl".  EH (changed now, for Ex-Husband) was always the planner.  He made elaborate itineraries, booked hotels, figured out what we were doing for vacations, for work, for life.  It was his job, and so I let him do it in our lives as well.  Now, I'm on my own to do those sorts of things, and I'm finding it difficult.  I have to plan out meals, make grocery lists, take care of the cats (which, I feel, are sadly neglected) and learn to finally be an adult.

It is strange to finally take care of myself.  Much of my family has said to me in the past that EH was good for me because he "took good care of me".  Not to impugn EH, but.. if he took such good care of me, how is it that I nearly had a nervous breakdown a few years ago? How is it that I came to weigh over 300 pounds? Why is it that I'm struggling to pay down the massive credit card debt that we have gotten into over our 9 year marriage, and I have no assets to show for it?  Don't get me wrong. I am not angry at him. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like a child and not taking care of - or much interest in - things like my health and my finances before.  Much of what I am going through right now could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself in the past.  Thirty-five is kind of late in the game to be finally growing up and becoming an adult, but here I am, throwing my hat in the ring of adulthood and hoping that I find myself in the process.

I guess part of that adulthood is that I learn to eat vegetables. Blech...

Got any good recipes?

With love and laughter...


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Episode 47: Taking Care of Myself

I talk about change a lot here, but that is because I feel like I'm changing.. and I am.

I used to be a slob.  Ok.. well.. I'm a little bit of a slob still, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be.  I can actually see the carpet in my apartment, I can actually move around without tripping over something.  But, I have also noticed that my slovenly ways are receding from my personal self too.

Showers and long hot baths are something that I have always enjoyed immensely.  I used to just jump out, grab my clothes (whatever I was wearing that day) and get dressed quickly and be out the door.  My morning routine is beginning to take a bit of a longer time, and I think it is because I'm beginning to respect myself more. Now, when I get out of the shower, I put lotion on, to keep my skin soft.  I like the feel of it on newly shaved legs, and the way that the cloth of my pants sort of slides over this newly treated skin.  It feels good on my arms and the rest of my body as well, but I notice it most on newly shaved legs.  I LOVE Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber. It is my favorite scent (even though today I found an old container of Chocolate Body Butter, so I smell like a chocolate bar yay!) and I have the body wash and the lotion and the triple hydrating body cream as well.  So, that makes me smell good.

I used to just throw my hair up in a bun, wet or not, and let it dry that way. It made for some interesting curls.. or very damp hair, when I finally took out the bun at the end of the day.  Now, after putting on my lotion, I take the towel off of my hair and actually use the blow dryer.  It makes my hair soft and shiny and while it doesn't add any curl (my hair is really really naturally straight) it does give it a lot of shine and a lot less of that horrible fuzziness.

I tend towards comfortable clothes.. jeans and t-shirts, rather than stylish or overly professional, but even with this, as I put on my clothes, I am finding that I choose them much more carefully.  I look over what I plan to wear, I pick it out and feel good about my choices.  It may not be perfect or what is the most latest or modern thing, but I feel good getting dressed in the morning.  I can't wait to weigh a LOT less so that when I do put on clothes, they fit really well, and look stylish.  Even in Second Life, where my body is perfect, I tend towards jeans and sweaters.  It's just my style (unless I'm being cute, and then it's mini-skirts and thigh high stockings and sweaters... and maybe I'll wear more of that if I get myself down to a good 130 pounds or so. LOL)

Anyway, the gist is that...I feel better about myself.  I am respecting myself more and I feel that I am worth taking care of.  The wrinkles that are coming in on my face from age are all laugh lines, my body is beginning to be in the best shape I've been in for at least five years, and I feel that with time and effort, I can do just about anything.

On a side note, just a little one, this new self respect.. is making me not want to take shit from my students anymore so I'm really getting annoyed at disrespectful behavior.  Looks like I have some behavior modifications to do in my classroom as well.

Off for a glorious day watching movies with my students! (Premonition is a great follow up to irony and ambiguity!)

Have a glorious day!


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Episode 46: What is Healthy?

Can't post long.  I have to take a shower and get to work.

So, I lost my five percent.  My next goal is to get to 10%, which doesn't seem all that far off. But after that, what is my weight goal?  According to Weight Watchers, in order to reach life time membership, I should weight between 106 and 132.  I don't think I've weighed 132 since I was in grade school. That doesn't mean I wasn't healthy though.  Around 150, I think was when I was "fit" and "healthy".  I may have had a few pounds, but I felt like I wasn't doing too bad for myself.  I've always had broad shoulders and wide hips (makes for a nice hourglass shape), but I can say that at 150, I was healthy.  Getting down to 132, which would be more than losing half of who I am now, would be.. well.. amazing, but weird for me.

Through right now, I'm not feeling too healthy.  I have, I think, developed a cold, and a splitting migraine.  My eyes have gone all wonky and if it wasn't the week before finals, I probably wouldn't be going to school.  I wish I could throw on a movie and just let them learn something that way, but it wouldn't be fair to them. The students do need to learn something.

So, I am off for a long hot shower and a day of teaching poetry!  Fortunately, poetry is one of my favorite things (as well as raindrops on roses and warn woolen mittens).

I hope you have a glorious Tuesday.  I want to go back to bed...


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Episode 45: Yogi Barely

It is time to start moving!  So, I am trying, very hard, to do that. :)

AM suggested this book called Richard Hittleman's 28 day yoga. I like books, I like it when people suggest books to me, and so I bought it!  I'm on day 3 now, with having skipped a day just out of sheer stubbornness.

It's actually not too bad.  I hear my bones in my back popping more than I like, but I am definitely increasing my flexibility, even after three days.  When I am done, I feel better.  Much more stretched out and calmer (although today I have a bit of a headache, but I think I woke up with that.. or it's just my caffeine addiction kicking in).  The book recommends doing the exercises in the afternoon or the evening, but I find that after a day spent chasing high school students around, I really just don't have the energy to be rolling around on my floor. I exercise in the morning.  I'm hoping to make a bit of a routine of it.. like this blog, and get into a type of habit.  The book says you can skip a day once in a while, but try not to skip more than one day at a time, and take it sloooooowly.

Anyway, people who study and practice Yoga are Yogis.  I don't consider myself a Yogi yet, but it's an interesting program. I flipped forward a few weeks, just to see what is in store for me... and some of them look a little bit impossible.  Of course, it really doesn't help that the model that is used is incredibly thin and lithe and I just can't picture myself like that at all.  Especially doing the head stand. That looks SO painful and I can't imagine putting my fat ass over my head.  It's just a matter of gravity and neck compression!

Anyway, my ten minutes for blogging is up.  Have a great day everybody and remember to breathe!

Love and happiness,


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Episode 44: How to open a banana

Ok.. so.. my breakfast of late has been some sort of cereal with soy milk and a banana added.  Quite the healthy eater I am, eh?  

Bananas have always bothered me.  They are difficult to open sometimes, and then you get that weird thing where the top of the banana will fall off or become mushy from all of the trying to open the banana at the stem.  Well... I found this tip, I think in Google+ (and if you don't use G+, you should), for opening bananas easier.  So.. here is a tip.

First, don't start at the stem side. Start at the bottom of the banana. This is the new top. It has a tip.. kinda of a squarish roundish bit at pinnacle. Then, pinch the tip until it pops. It will usually split into two, sometimes three sections.  Grasp these sections and pull back and.. Viola!! Opened banana without having to struggle with the stem!

My work here is done.  Enjoy your bananas with confidence and joy... as they are yummy and fruitful! (and 0 points, for those of you following along on the WW side!)

Have a great day!


Monday, November 28, 2011

Episode 43: Back to (a new) life

I had planned a different blog post for today, but I forgot what it was. Anyway...

I have to get back on track.  Thanksgiving week really screwed up my diet, and so now, I have to do something about it.  I have to do something about my life.  I have to something about my EVERYTHING! LOL

Ok.. so.. I have six months until my divorce is final.  That is six months to get myself started on a routine, develop some good habits and start making myself healthier and happier, as well as help those around me be healthier and happier too.

I do a lot of complaining to other people about my own problems.  I also do a lot of gushing to other people that I am in love.  It just happens that way.  It is because that is what is on my mind at the time. It's not that I don't listen to other people's problems, and it's not that I don't try to help them if I feel that I can do something for them, but I spend a lot of time talking about myself, and I think I need to stop doing that.  I'ts very selfish.  This is just something that I've noticed about myself.  Now, of course, my blog is different. My blog is very selfish and I can be selfish here... because it is my blog.  I try not to post anything *too* personal here, or rather, not something that everybody in my life knows about (or at least should be caught up about).  I try to post here about my thoughts, but I won't put in details about private stuff, and I try to make sure that I don't get in trouble here.  I have paper journals for writing out stuff like that.

But now, I have six months.  A time frame for a goal.  I think I like that idea.. a sort of deadline for a new life. I'm thinking about joining the Saturday afternoon Stitch n' Bitch group at my local Panera.  I'm thinking about maybe going back into therapy for a while, just to have a professional help me work through stuff. (I have been off my pills for a few months now and I'm feeling incredibly stable. Amazing what growing up can do for your emotional state).  I have more time to myself, to lesson plan and grade and work on becoming the best damned teacher I can be (in spite of my students).  I know that I want to finish a novel in the next six months and start editing it for possible publication.  I need to start writing fiction again... not some inane drabble about my life.

I feel refreshed.. renewed.  Peaceful.

I know I can do this. I have the strength to do anything.  I can pull my friends and loved ones along with me into this new life too, if they want to come for the ride.

Ok.. my ten minutes of writing for the morning are done.  Breakfast is eaten (granola with soy milk and banana), and I have to go start a new day at school.  Three weeks until Winter Break.  Five weeks to pack up my old place and find a new one. I can live with those timelines.

Peace love and happiness to all!


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Episode 42: The Obligatory Thankful list

Ok. I wrote a longer version of this, but I can't post it here as it is waaay too personal.  Let's just say that I am very thankful for all of the blessings in my life.  Here is a quick list:

I am thankful for:
my job
my friends
my family
my best friend

I could elaborate on all of them, but I won't.  I am happy, I am fulfilled, and I am going to go eat some Turkey and Cranberry Sauce and FUCK thinking about points or diets or anything. I will probably gain weight this week.  I think I am perfectly ok with that!

I hope this finds you all well, happy and peaceful on this beautiful American Holiday.  To all of those who aren't aren't American who read my blog.. I hope you have a happy Thursday!



Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Episode 41: End of an Era

Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit.  It is hard.  I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone.  AH moved out on the first of this month.  My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here.  I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing.  I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore.  I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.

I eat healthier now.  Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing).  Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes.  I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now.  I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective.  I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.

I'm not entirely lonely.  If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs.  Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own.  But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around.  I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.

Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone.  I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.

I am sad for my divorce.  I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this.  I regret that hurt a lot.  I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person.  I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be.  I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone.  I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.

Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful  I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.

Deep in thought....


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Episode 40: Fresh Flowers

Ok.. so.. it has been Waaay too long since I have been here, writing, sitting at my desk.  I should get back on track with this, since the motivation to eat better is here with my friends and family and those who love me.

I bought myself flowers today.  I have been buying myself fresh cut flowers every Sunday for the last two weeks and I plan on keeping it up every Sunday for as long as I can.  I love flowers.  I think that they are pretty.  I probably could have arranged these better, but it is what it is.  I will buy more next week and try to arrange them.

This week I bought myself roses.. hot pink and white roses, which I love.  I bought them because I deserve them, and I also bought them to celebrate the 4.6 pounds I lost this week.  I have lost 5% of my total body weight so far!  ::happy dances::

Sometimes when I buy myself flowers, I like to make believe that they came from someone who loves me. That some romantic guy (ok.. one in particular) has sent me flowers and is thinking about me.  A silly thought, I know. It's a silly thought because someone who does love me has bought them for me. I bought them for me.. and I love me!  (ok. so I'm a bit of a dork too!)

Anyway... I am off to make pumpkin bread today, and clean my bedroom and do laundry and ignore SL a bit and spend time with myself and maybe do some reading and maybe do some writing and maybe just sit and veg and watch movies or Full Metal Alchemist or find a new girly Anime to watch. (Oh.. I *loved* Angel Beats!  Thank you, AM, for recommending it! I send you much snuggleness for the happy Anime watching!)

Dorkness must be gone now. I am happy and busy and I feel really really awesome today.  I hope you all do too!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Episode 39: Stood Up

OK, so.. I wrote this yesterday morning and didn't finish posting it. Here it is.. and then I'll do my post for today! :)

I got woken up by the wonderful sounds of a text message this morning, which was awesome because the same person texting me was the person I was dreaming about. So Yay!  So now I am up, making apple cinammon muffins which scent my house with their pleasant aroma, and I have a hot cup of my favorite coffee cooling next to me on my keyboard tray.  All is well in the world...


A friend was supposed to come over last night, we'll initial him... CG for Computer Genius.. because he is... and he was supposed to help me fix my router and maybe hang out for a bit.  I've been a bit lonely since AH moved out (who, I guess, shouldn't be called AH anymore, but I can't figure out any other initials for him right now) and the prospect of someone to hang out with was a happy one.  So, I was there, waiting for CG, at 8:45, figuring he would be here, and he never showed up. I tried to contact him a few times, but without response.  Bleh... color me disappointed.  I hate waiting around for someone hoping that they will show up, and not having them be here when I want htem here. It sucks!  That was a nice part of my evening wasted.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Episode 38: Checks and Balances

Ok.. so, for the first time ever in my entire life, I am taking care of my own money.  I only get paid once a month, and so I start off with a fairly decent balance.. and then watch it slowly drain away with time.  That's a bit unsettling.

So, I was laying in bed this morning, checking my bank account and balancing my checkbook (yay for awesome apps for that. I use Legerist for my checkbook) realizing how awesome it is that I can lay in bed and balance my checkbook.  I can see what has cleared, I can see where my money is going, and realize that I spend too much on fast food and not enough on clothes. My rent is too high, but that is easily fixable by finding a new place to live.  Although I will miss my tower by the river, it is time to move on from it.  That is something that I can possibly lower.

I can also stop eating so much damned fast food and start cooking at home, but I tend to have expensive tastes when I do eat at home.  I love making chicken cordon bleu (not healthy, but totally yummy) or chicken marsala.  I love experimenting with cooking and finding foods that I really like to eat.  I just hate my kitchen.  Hopefully, when looking at a new place, I can find a place with a kitchen that I really like. I am so tired of my teensy tiny little two counter kitchen which is very much a hole in the wall.  I'm not expecting anything large, but something with maybe three counters, or even like.. a bar, would be awesome.  I want to be able to enjoy cooking again.

How did this go from a money blog post to a foodie blog post?  Hmmm... Back on track.

I am glad I have a good job.  I am glad I have a good enough job that I don't have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from, or what it will look like.  So far, I have put most of my extra overage money into my savings account, and it will stay there unless it is really needed.  It's my "rainy day" fund for when I just need to get the hell out of my life and maybe take a day in San Francisco or something.  I've never been there on my own, and it sounds like it would be a fun adventure.  I want to explore the City, and get to know its ins and outs and become part of the literary community there.  I guess I would have to save up some money for that.. and get over my inherent shyness around people that I don't know.  But.. a once a month trip doesn't sound too costly, as long as I can get my expenses in order.

This is the first month I have ever been on my own.  I am bound to falter, to make some mistakes, to cross a line or trip and fall.  I know that I can pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going.  And if I can't.. I know that there is someone out there with a warm and friendly hand and an open heart.

Thanks to AM for reminding me that I have a blog that needed to be posted in.

Love and lollipops,


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Episode 37: Brrrrrrr

Ok, so.. is it true that living in a cold place helps you burn fat because you're body is spending so much time trying to keep you warm? Please please please let it be true! I am FREEZING for a good cause, right?

Warm fuzzy socks donned, hoody hooded and coffee cup clutched in slightly icy fingers, I am cold!!  I know that my friends who live anywhere but California are going to laugh at me for complaining that I'm freezing here, when they are dealing with temperatures way below the 40 degrees that is says it is outside, but BRRRRR!!  It is 60 degrees inside my house and I am trying to conserve energy, so I am living with the cold, but I am complaining about it too!  It's not chilly enough to use my fireplace though.

Cleaning up around my apartment and trying to get things done. No diet this week, but I will get back on it next week.  I can stock my fridge with healthy food and eat vegetables and be a grown up. I really can!

Hope this finds you all well and happy!


Friday, November 4, 2011

Episode 36: Return to ... life

I'm going through a lot of shit in my life right now, not a whole lot of it that I am willing to discuss on this blog at this moment, as I'm not entirely sure who reads it and there is only so much I want to share with the world.  All I know right now is that I am truly, deeply, passionately loved by someone out there who is good for my soul and heart.  All I know is that my family and friends are here to support me through whatever choices I make, whether they think of them as good or bad.  All I know is that I love deeply, strongly and that I can love with my head as well as my heart.

Someone inside my heart wrote me last night about hiding and breaking free from fear.  He wrote of a rebirth and casting a shroud over the old life and letting it be.  We can go to cemeteries and look upon something that once was, but we do not dwell in cemeteries.  He was right... let the shroud be cast, let the past lie still where it is and let me awaken from this old life renewed and reborn.

Thank you all in my life for your love and support.  It is time to start a new life. I know that you'll be there with me!


(Oh, also.. discovered new yummy awesome goodness, thanks to AM.  Peanut butter, butter, honey and granola sammiches.  Sooooo awesome!!!.. but about 14 points per sammich. Goes well with bananas.)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Episode 35: Separated but equal

A lot of stuff going in my life right now.  Too much to post, and I'm not in the mood to talk about it.  Suffice it to say, I've sort of fallen off the bandwagon here lately, though I am getting all my fruits and veggies and trying to stick, at least, to the basics of eating right.

I live in fantasy too often. My life is about to get real in a lot of different ways.  I'm scared, but I know that I can make it through.

You have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. That is just the way life is.  I guess I should stop being a hoarder.

Love is a strange, weird thing sometimes.

It is time to be strong.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Episode 34: Sleep.. or lack thereof

I have been getting an average of probably 5-4 hours of sleep a night lately.  Down from my usual 7-8.  I am beginning to feel it.  I have been reading a few studies lately about how sleep loss can affect weight loss.

One article says that sleeping less affects weight loss because you are more likely to drink caffeine to keep yourself awake and hit up the donuts or chocolate for a quick sugar rush.  Another article says that when you sleep you produce hormones that hormones that control appetite and metabolism that are required for healthy weight loss.  It wasn't a matter of what foods you ate, or how you ate them, according to this study, because in their fieldwork, they discovered that if you sleep less, you actually eat less too, but you still gain weight.

Getting a bit of shut eye is a bit difficult for me lately.  I want to stay up and talk or watch videos.  My eyes get droopy and my body relaxes, but my mind, for the most part will stay active and alert enough to hold a conversation, or comprehend a video.  I push the barriers of mental alertness until that too finally crashes and I may even drift off mid-sentence.  Even as I close my eyes, I fall quickly into very strange dreamettes. Snippets of dreams, and as my mind tries to struggle to stay alert, I will blend both dream world and real world for some.. very strange conversations.

I will try to catch up to sleep this weekend, but with lesson planning and some reading I want to do, not to mention the myriad events on SL and other (wonderful) distractions, I'm not sure how much rest I will actually get.

Is it worth it to stay up so late?  Emotionally, mentally I can say definitively yes.  Physically though my body is going to revolt soon.  I just hope it's not during class.

Love and lollipops to all. I hope you have a wonderful everything!


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Episode 33: Wherein I break a habit by overdoing it

Morose. Morose Morose Morose Morose.  I like that word, Morose.  I've sort of liked it ever since I heard it on Chasing where Jay comes in on a brooding (yet hot) Ben Affleck (Holden), and says "Well, look at this morose motherfucker".  I just like the word.  Apparently I overuse it though.

I am morose today.  I am sour, glum, moody, crabby, cranky, disconsolate, saturnine, ill natured, splenetic.  If I didn't have to go to work to do my post-observation conference, I probably wouldn't go.  I will go though, with my best smile on and in my most comfortable clothes I can get away with at work (black jeans, black shirt and my new trendy sweater).

I think my observation went well yesterday.  I find out today during my prep, but my students were (mostly) on task, the lesson was well prepared.  I knew what I was doing. If only I could be as well prepared every day.  Teaching is draining. Life is draining.  It's not that I'm exhausted (although I did get up at 2:45 this morning) it's just that I'm drained.  I feel that life has ebbed out of me today.  I know that it is chemical, some neuron in my brain misfiring or some lack of hormone or something, so I am not going to worry about it. I will be on an upswing soon enough.  I can handle this affliction without adding more chemicals to my brain that I don't need.  I will sip my coffee, suckle the caffeine teat, and try to energize myself for just two more days of school until the blessed blessed weekend.

Morose! (You know, the more I use the word.. the less meaning it has.  Maybe I will stop using it.)

(By the way, of all the Kevin Smith View Askewniverse movies, my favorites go in this order... Chasing Amy, Dogma, Clerks, Clerks 2, Jay and Silent Bob, Mallrats.  I have a signed 10th anniversary edition of Clerks.  It is awesomesauce. Oh now I wish I could take those to school and watch them.  Now that would cheer me up.)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Episode 32: Observation

Ok.. this one isn't going to be about weight loss at all, but about school and how incredibly nervous I am!

My evaluation observation is today.  The administrator has been given my lesson plans and I have a my powerpoint ready and all of my lesson plans set up with all of my handouts. My classroom is sort of messy, but as soon as I take a shower, I'm going to go remedy that situation.  I am going to be amazing. I am going to wander and make sure everybody is working. I am going to check for understanding. I am going to make sure that my students all understand what theme is. I am going to be amazing.  I am unnerved.

Because my life has been going through so many changes recently, I am gaining a certain amount of confidence in myself.  I hope that confidence comes through in my classroom today. I hope that I shine as bright as the Chrysler building! :)  I hope I do great things.  I'm not exactly as well planned for my Junior class as I would like, but so that goes, I suppose.

I am rambly today because I am nervous.  I am nervous because I am afraid to get a bad review. Even though I have tenure, even though I have a decent respect of the administration and my own limitations, I am afraid of getting a bad review.  But I am a great teacher. I connect to my students, I pay attention to their needs. I know my materials and my curriculum.  I *am* a good teacher.  So why do I suddenly feel that I totally lack confidence? Why am I so nervous and scared all of a sudden?  I'm not sure.

I have to take a shower and pick out some clothes to wear.  I have had my coffee for today, eaten my cottage cheese with pineapple, and have plans for lunch with a teacher friend to debrief and talk about lesson plans and stuff and a plan with AM to unwind and watch Full Metal Alchemist (awesome anime) to unwind this evening.  Today will be a good day. I know it will.  I'm just.. crossing my fingers and my toes and would even cross my ovaries..if I could!

Love and lollipops and wish me luck!


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Episode 31: Changes

A lot is changing in my life.  My friends tell me that I am looking thinner.  My body feels better. I feel more confident and more alive than I have in a long time.  I am even noticing the change in a place that I never thought to look for change before... My Google Chrome splash page.

For those of you who don't use Google Chrome, it is my favorite browser and I highly recommend it.  It opens up with the tab that has your home page, but if you click on the "new tab" button, it opens up a screen with your most visited pages.  I find this incredibly helpful as I, like probably 90% of the population, have about 5 to 6 websites I visit nearly daily, just to check up on things.  The standards are all there: school website, email, facebook.  But things are changing...

Where I previously had websites of my favorite web comics, pages I would try to visit whenever they posted an update, now my Google Chrome tells me that I am on the Weight Watcher's site more often than xkcd.  In addition to Giant in the Playground, Blogger shows up instantly to remind me that I have a blog post for the day. If you asked me which websites have been replaced, I probably couldn't tell you, which means they probably didn't matter much to begin with.

I need to start finding foods that I enjoy cooking, healthy meals that make me want to prepare them every night. I need to stop stopping at Burger King or McDonald's on the way home from work, but have a solid plan for dinner that I can cook and enjoy and have enough left overs that maybe I would have the same thing for lunch the next day.  I would love to add some foodie pages to my Chrome splash page.. or an exercise website that has Yoga videos.  All of these would be wonderful right now.

Anyway, work beckons. I hope you are all well and wonderful!


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Episode 30: Support structure

Down even more this week, but not nearly as much as I wanted. 1.2 pounds of fat gone from my body. I feel lighter too.

I am building this strong structure for support of people who love me and cheer me on. Many friendships have strengthened by this. (Yesterday my favorite SL DJ sent me a message that started "hey skinny" and I giggled happily). I feel more confident, more capable and I have so much more energy. Everywhere people tell me that they are happy for me and take pride in my accomplishments. I feel amazing.

I am 15 pounds lighter than I was exactly one month ago. I know I can be healthy and beautiful... Just watch me.

Love and low fat ice cream.


posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, October 21, 2011

Episode 29: Proud of me

Every night, I sit up for a few minutes and I write down what I ate that day. I used to have a paper book that I recorded everything in, and I have my Droid app for recording stuff in as well, but those mostly get ignored.  I have so many tools at my fingertips, but what seems to be the best thing for me lately is to sit up in the evening, watching movies and talking to AM while I record my food for the day and figure out if I need an evening snack.  Peanut butter from a spoon has become one of my favorite snacks late in the night. High in protein, and only one tablespoon, since it is 5 points for one tablespoon, but once that sticky, sweet almost salty goodness hits my tongue, I am happy.

Every night, as I record my points, he asks me what I am doing and I tell him and then he says "I am so proud of you."  I have heard that statement quite a bit lately, from family and friends.  It is an amazing feeling for someone to take pride in me. It makes me feel amazing every time I hear it.  I know that I shouldn't place my self worth in the opinions of others, but it feels really great to have a little bit of pride in myself.  Yes! I've lost over 10 pounds in the last month. Yes! My clothes are beginning to fit better.  Yes! I can move better now!  I feel amazing and special and it is because so many people have told me that they are proud of me.  I am loving this!

I don't feel depraved.  In fact, just the opposite. I feel satisfied, like the cat that caught the canary and is hiding it under her paw, waiting to savor the experience that skill and life have given her.  I eat enough, I am emotionally fulfilled, I am taking over my own life and it feels amazing. I feel like I can do anything! Now... what was that about Nanowrimo?

Love and snuggles,


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Episode 28: Exhaustion

Not sleeping. Probably not eating enough. Need to start working out. Too tired to really do much. In academic conferencing all day.  Brain not functioning.  Coffee reboot not helping. Hope I don't blue screen today.  Meh...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Episode 27: Techno JOY!!!

OMIPU!! Can it be? I think it may be true.. my phone is updating to Gingerbread, even as I type.  Squeeeee!!!

I'm kind of a techy, at least as far as PCs and gadgety things go.  I don't have a tablet (though I really want one... but not an iPad, I think. I want something Droidy), I never owned a blackberry, but I love technology.  As Eddie would say, "I have techno JOY!"  So when I woke up this morning and saw that my phone was downloading a pretty hefty update this morning, my joy overflowed and now I am sitting here, obsessively watching the tiny screen, waiting to see what my new OS will be like.

Most of my family belongs to the Cult of Jobs.  There were saddened by the loss of their Appley prophet, and cling to their iPhones and iMacs and iBooks like an iAcolyte.  I was saddened by the loss of a man with a vision, but I haven't felt the need to get a Mac.  Sure, some of the software is exclusive and is pretty cool, but I have always been, and always will be..a PC.  I think it is mostly because I know how to fix them, thanks to an ex who trained me well on PCs. I know how the OS works, I know how to work settings and fix things.  I have helped a lot of my friends on their PCs from long distances away because I am aware of what their operating system works and how to help them fix things.

It's not that I don't appreciate Macs. I do. They are a decent system that I don't know how to run very well.  Every time I have touched a Mac computer, I have found the system laggy, the OS a bit confusing, and for some reason, I'm really good at making them crash.   I don't do it on purpose, and I'm pretty sure that The computer would die a horrible hideous death if I tried to fix it, since I don't know anything about the OS or what is going on within the system.

Someday in the future, I may live with a Mac.  When this day comes, I will smile and help set it up, and proceed to never touch that computer as long as I can help it.  I will not be tempted by the shiny gadgetry, or the photo apps, or even the ability to be both a Mac and a PC (Oh.. if Mac software is so awesome, why don't PCs have their own Mac emulator? Oh.. wait.. because we don't need it! :) )  I will sit on the other side of the room with my PC, typing away merrily, smug in the knowledge that I think my toys are better than yours. (Yes, Yes, I know. I am technology prejudiced... maybe even a techno snob. I can live with that).

My phone is updated (it only took a few minutes) and the screen is very pretty. (Oh.. and.. it never crashed while updating either...) It seems almost a bit bigger, which is ridiculous, but I am loving the way that it is streamlined.  I can't wait to really play with it more, but alas.. work calls.

Hrm... no foodie or weight stuff in this blog today, just a girl with Techno JOY!

Hope all have a lovely day!


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Episode 26: Ouchie!

I know I have to start exercising soon and that it will help with my weight loss. I know I should find some way to get at least 20 minutes a day (or even 30) of walking or some sort of activity that I enjoy that will help me move around a lot better.  But right now, walking or any sort of physical activity seems freakin' impossible...mostly because I am in a world of pain.

Admittedly, it is my fault.  AH and I have a lovely Lay-Z-Boy couch.  Very comfy, with two reclining seats, buff furry type of material, and a remote control holder that I made that rarely ever holds remotes.  In fact, I am sitting on it as I blog. But, there is a problem.  I can't sleep on it when I am reclined.. or not very well anyway.  I sleep on my side, usually my right. So I curl up on the couch talking long distance to AM and watch Netflix, all laying down on my right side. (By the way, I wholly recommend Full Metal Alchemist! What a great storyline!) Well, our wonderful couch has wooden partitions between the seats, and my back, right where it hits the partition, is bruised.  It is so bruised that it hurts to touch it and it hurts to move, but no actual bruise shows on the skin.  Grrrrrr. How am I supposed to go exercise if I can't move!  I think I need to find another way or another place to sit if I'm going to be online watching movies and such.

Anyway, a big happy birthday to BD, who is another year older. I hope your day is wonderful!

Anyway, I am off to work! I hope you all have a lovely everything!

Love and Lollipops,


Monday, October 17, 2011

Episode 25: Hush

My first alarm clock goes off at 4, gently waking me up if I happen to be in the right part of REM.  This morning, I was, and it was singing love songs by the Beatles for me.  I hit snooze, reluctantly, and opened my eyes to the darkness of my bedroom, AH breathing deeply beside me as he slept through the alarm.  All I could hear was his breathing and my CPAP machine, telling me that I continued to breathe.  The wooshy sound of my own breath, helped along by a force of air that keeps me from snoring (and loudly, I might add) was relaxing, and my mind became peaceful and let go.

I fall into dream quickly, and anybody who has ever heard me fall into these dreams knows that I kinda talk in my sleep (at least, just as I am falling asleep), so it wasn't surprising when I heard myself mumbling, though I have no idea what I was saying.  Fortunately, I think AH slept through it but I wonder what causes me to do this.  I think, most of the time, that as I sleep, as I dream, I am talking to someone.  This morning's conversation was with a close friend, but if you asked me what I was dreaming about, I couldn't tell you.  All I know is that I was sitting across a table from him drinking coffee and enjoying a deep conversation, and answering questions aloud, because I could hear my voice being used in the awake world.  It was strange, but also rather oddly comforting.  In my dream, the conversation lasted hours.  In the real world, I had to get up an hour later.  I don't remember what was discussed, I don't remember if there was anything more than talking, but I do remember that I woke up an hour later, not realizing that I had hit snooze on my alarm clock 3 times, but feeling better rested and at peace.

So, now I am up with my granola and yogurt and coffee ready to face the world for another day, happy that I have friends to talk to... even if I am just talking to them in my sleep.

So, a rather thoughtful blog today about nothing incredibly important. I'm kind of rambly, but I am happy nonetheless.  I hope all of you are too.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Episode 24: Shopping spree!

So... weighed in and lost 3.6 pounds this week! Woot! I was super stoked and went clothes shopping to get a new pair of black jeans and discovered that I went down an entire pants size! Woot again! Not only that but they aren't super tight. They fit me perfectly. I also got a really nice brown cardigan that was 30% off.

AH and I are spending the day at mini golf and the corn maze (it is amaizing says AM) and testing out my new pedometer. So yay exercise, and if I am a really good girl, maybe he will take me to Ghirardelli for some ice cream, but he says he doesn't want to be responsible for me gaining the weight back.

So.. even more people tell me they are reading my blog, and one of LS's (Little Sister, for those who care) friends said that it is inspiring her to get in shape. So yay! My role as muse is being extended to weight loss fairy as well as inspiration for writers and musicians too.

Anyway, I am blogging as AH drives and he is giving me that look that says I have been on my phone for too long.

EDIT: I didn't lose 36 pounds... I forgot the decimal in the original. I would have to lop off a limb to lose that the much! Thanks mom for pointing that the out.

Love and lollipops,


posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Episode 23: Soup making

So today, after I finish cleaning my kitchen, I will sit and chop vegetables while listening to people talk about books on Second Life.  I will combine celery and broccoli and spinach and carrots and cabbage to add to the pleasing scent of garlic and onions sauteed to perfection before I add my beef broth and tomato paste to create a really awesome soup that has no points to it, but tastes wonderful.

After that, I may make some salmon cakes, using more of the celery and adding light mayo and bread crumbs to create perfect patties of salmony goodness that I dip in a effusion of light mayo and balsamic vinegar (OMG! SO YUMMY!).

Then I will go party with the fam as we look at beautiful jewelry and talk about fall fashions (I am, after all.. SUCH a fashion diva. </sarcasm>

Love love to all.  I'm going to have a wonderful day, because I am loved.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Episode 22: Thar she blows!

Ugh.  I woke up at 5:15 this morning, after having tried to snooze myself back into some sort of blissful stasis where I dreamed of (oddly) musicians and puppies.  But the puppies, and the musicians for that matter, were very cute, and I wanted to go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, my allergies really had other plans.

A lot of people have spring, pollen allergies.  AH gets them the worst when the trees behind our apartment (beautiful willows which hang down near the water's edge) begin to blossom their tiny yellow buds.  They spray green pollen everywhere, so much that AH's car will look like it's ready to say "Hulk Smash".  Spring allergies come and go with the season, the flowers closing up and dropping off to leave behind the fruits of summer and the harvest.

My allergies, however, are autumn and winter allergies. And just to be extra fun, they usually end up being spring allergies too.  I'm allergic to molds and dust. (I won't give up bleu cheese dressing though... just sayin'.)  My allergies come in the form of anything damp, which means that when it rains, or gets particularly humid, or even sometimes just a bit cold, my nose starts acting up and I can sneeze upwards of 15 times sometimes.  AH swears I sneeze this much because I don't know how to sneeze properly, but I seem to do just fine.  He will usually say "bless you" for the first 2 or 3, but after the sixth or seventh, he tells me that I'm greedy and I am left to sneeze in peace.  If there was any truth to the rumor that 15 sneezes is equivalent to a heart attack, and sixteen to an orgasm, I would have had many many orgasms.. right after a pretty decent heart attack.  Fortunately, I am proof that none of that is true.  Sneezing just happens... again... and again.. and again.  Blech.

I'm gonna spend a few minutes this morning taking my Friday measurements. AH says it looks like I have physically lost weight, but we'll see.  This has been another pretty bad week for me, what with school starting and the campus cafe making such delicious (and pointiful) lunches.  I need to start bringing my own lunches, making them at home, and planning out my foods for the week ahead of time so that I know I'm hitting my mark and then can have a few extras when I want them.

Ka welo happy.

Have a lovely day!  Love to all

EDIT: After taking measurements, I have lost 8 inches off of my body. I hope it keeps going down.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Episode 21: Yogurt and Granola

So, Dannon Light and Fit Vanilla Yogurt paired with Special K Honey Granola is my new favorite breakfast of champions.  Don't get me wrong, I do like to mix it up once in a while and have maybe some Corn Chex or Special K, but the mixture of granola and yogurt gets me every time in just the right place.

I used to not like yogurt at all.  The acidophiles or whatever left a strange taste in my mouth and I also was (and still am) a bit creeped out that there are things *living* in my yogurt as I eat it.  But now those little cultures are like heaven on my tongue, when combined with the crunchiness of really good granola.  The granola I get has honey in it, and is pretty standard.  We went grocery shopping yesterday and passed through the "healthy" food isle, and I was tempted to stop and get some of the different flavored granola, and maybe I will, but not yet.  This is wonderful! (and very healthy.. altogether only about 3 points for the whole breakfast!).  Combined with the Folger's Caramel K-cup, and I'm in breakfast heaven.

I think the root of my sweet tooth goes all the way down to my toes. Total yummy deliciousness.

Work calls, and while I am sort of reluctant to go, I have Prep today. Two hours of time to work on lesson plans and grading, alone in my blissfully quiet classroom.

Have a lovely day all.. I know I started mine out right.

Love and lollipops (and thanks, Dad, for that phrase).


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Episode 20: Anywhere but Here

Ok.. so.. because I didn't exactly make my coffee the right way this morning I am blogging late.  My lesson plans aren't exactly done, since I came home and literally crashed yesterday afternoon for about 3 hours, and my hair is a mess.

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer a lot when I was in college (and I do happen to own the DVDs), and in one episode, I think at the beginning of the second season, Willow and Xander are walking around near the graveyard playing a game of "Anywhere but here".  Fun game and I can think of a few places that fit the bill right now. (Xander was boring and always had the same answer).

I'm tired today down to my bones, and I'm coming down from a 2 week really awesome high.  Fortunately, even though I'm coming down from it, my feet haven't quite hit the ground yet.  Getting back to school is where my focus should lie right now, but life has a funny way of making us wish that we weren't where we actually are.

I listen to Norah Jones.  She has a lovely voice, and most of her songs are pretty well within my range.  She has one, probably her best known one, called "Come Away with Me."  That song has all of my "Anywhere but Here"s right now. ("I wanna walk with you/on a cloudy day/in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high....I want to wake up/to the rain/falling on a tin roof/while I'm safe there in your arms/)  Doesn't that sound nice?

Anyway, school calls and grades are due today.  I think I can get away with watching a movie, perhaps.  I know that none of my students are going to be prepared for class today... I know I'm not.

Hugs and kisses and love to all...


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Episode 19: Struggling to eat

Ugh.  It is a strange state of affairs when I actually have to like... find something to eat later at night because I  have 17 points left that I'm supposed to be eating for the day.  The logical part of me - which, for those of you who know me, is actually pretty small - says that I should actually make out a food plan well in advance, so that I know what I'm eating and I can make sure that I get all of my points in.  I know that I should cook more often.  I know that I have a lot of things that I could be doing, but I'm not actually doing them.

I think this afternoon I am going to go grocery shopping.  Today is a prep day and I have lunch with some really awesome history teachers who work at my school, and I think I'll take my Weight Watcher's stuff with me, do all of my grading and get that all caught up, make sure that I am doing well as a teacher, and then start planning out my meals for the week, just to make sure I get all of my points in.  I'll take my weight watcher's cookbook and the cookbooks that Awesome Musician (AM) gave me, and really focus on finding healthy recipes that I can make that will help me lose weight.

I have started to lose patience with this process and I'm sort of disheartened by this week's weight gain.  I know that it wasn't much, and that I could probably rack it up to water weight or something feministic and girly, but I really hadn't been trying very hard last week.  In all honesty, I haven't really started to try very hard this week either.  I am distracted and not obsessing over it, which is what I should be doing.  My most important goal in starting to work out my life and get myself really and truly sorted out should be the weight loss.  I shouldn't worry about much of anything else, because as long as I am healthy, the rest will sort itself out... right?

The shower is calling me, and maybe as I let the past day's dust and dirt wash off of me, I can also let some of the emotional baggage that goes with weight loss run off of me as well.

Just breathe...

Love and hugs!


Monday, October 10, 2011

Episode 18: Here I go again...

OK, so, after a 2 week break, and a weekend of not blogging, or keeping track of much of my food and stuff, I am back.  I am back because I need to work on myself and this seems to be the only way that it happens, if I am beholden to a large group of people who follow.  I am back because truly I am exhausted with myself and that my weight seems to be holding me back from so much.  I need to really work out this change.

I have two alarm clocks.  One of them is on my phone and the other is an actual physical alarm clock.  My phone is using an app called "Gentle Alarm" which is supposed to work with your circadian rhythms and if you happen to be waking up a half an hour earlier than your regular alarm clock, coming out of that deep REM cycle where exhaustion lies, Gentle Alarm nudges you during that time and reminds you that you should probably be getting up soon, as that sleep cycle is done.  If you happen to be in deep REM sleep at that time,  you simply ignore whatever sound the alarm plays and continue to sleep for another half an hour. Today, REM was not in my favor and I woke up at 4:30 instead of 4.  My "get the hell out of bed, you can't snooze me!" alarm is set for 5 and resides across my bedroom from where I normally sleep.  This alarm affords me an hour or so before I have to go to work, wherein I hope to complete my daily ablutions, have coffee, confirm my lesson plans for the day and and get ready for work.

So, rather than develop this as an evening habit after I put in my points and review my day, I am hoping to make this a morning habit, where I motivate myself (and perhaps my friends and family around me) to lose weight and get healthier.  I know I can use the motivation.  I gained .2 pounds this week.  It's not a huge gain, and it could probably be water weight or just regular body fluctuations, but I really want to see the little minus signs before the numbers instead of after them.

So, new schedule has to be set.  It is time for me to grow up and take over my life.. because nobody else is going to do it for me.

Love to all who support and follow me. This is going to be a great day!


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Episode 17: In which a habit falters

Umm... ok... so the blog didn't work out very well yesterday/this morning.  I haven't been tracking my foods, I haven't been blogging, and I haven't been exercising.  This may not be a good week for me.  Things are rocking in my life right now, but I know need to take care of myself, and right now the best way for me to care for myself is to take a step back for a moment, try eat right, even if I'm not writing it all down, and take few really deep breaths, holding them and letting them out slowly.  I will write in this again, I promise.  I just.. am not in the mood tonight.

Signing off kinda tired and cranky (God, don't we all just love PMS)


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Episode 16: Not Eating Enough

Every day I get a certain amount of points that I am supposed to eat.  I remember that it was always so hard to stay under these points, when I previously joined Weight Watchers.  Now... something odd is happening.

I am not eating enough.

I add in my points at the end of the day, look at the total and wonder how I could have eaten so little!  It is a strange feeling indeed.  It is not that I am completely forgetting to eat, because I do eat a pretty steady 3 meals a day.  It is that my meals seem to be getting smaller.. or perhaps it is my appetite.

For instance, AH and I ordered breakfast yesterday as we were both up at 4am, and got Denny's.  Poached eggs, french toast and bacon for me.  A breakfast worth 21 points but... I couldn't eat it all. I couldn't hardly eat half.  I finished the eggs, because I like poached eggs, but only made it through about half of the bacon and 1/3 of the french toast.  I sat looking at the platter, wondering what was wrong that I couldn't finish it.  I used to be able to polish that off no problem without much thought, but for some reason my stomach just couldn't stomach it.  I left half the platter empty and sat wondering why.

I really haven't been eating much lately.  I pick at my food and oftentimes, I just sometimes forget to eat.  I don't know if it is that I am distracted, too busy to do much eating. I don't know if it is that I am not finding myself hungry as often as I used to.  I don't know that my stomach isn't shrinking to much smaller proprotions.  It just seems weird to me.

Another thing is that I'm finding the changes to the plan a bit.. well.. different.  All the fruits I can eat means that I can eat a lot of fruit and not have to worry about points.  I find that rather than grazing on high calorie snacks like potato chips or chocolate, I am picking a grape out of the fruit basket more often than not and eating that instead of heading into the kitchen to find something horrible for me.  I'll peel an orange and leave it open on my desk and nibble on it as absentmindedly as I used to nibble on Chex mix, or something like that.  I love fruit and want to keep lots of it around so that I eat it, but I don't have to count it for anything and I suddenly feel full.

I guess we'll find out if my adventures in undereating will get me any weight loss, but I don't think that it will.  I think that this week may be a bad one at the scale, but we will see.  I need to be healthier and I need to post on this blog more often .

Sorry again for the late post.. it was a late night, but a good one.  Thank you for reading...


Monday, October 3, 2011

Episode 15: Renaissance and Coffee :)

Sounds like an interesting book title, doesn't it?

So, first bit of news! I got my new Keurig!!  I got a serious bonus in overages this month and I earned a beautiful reward of a new Keurig coffee system.  It is amazing.  From the first sip of my cup of French Vanilla Roast to my last sip of the Hazelnut that I had today, the coffee is amazing. And! I can program it to make me a cup of coffee upon my waking up in the morning! How awesome is that!  But wow.. that liquid comes out hot!

So anyway... Yesterday was sort of a whirlwind and I had an amazing day with AH.  I woke up, took a bath, blow dried my hair (wouldn't want the extra water in my hair to weigh me down) and went to weigh in. I lost 7 pounds this week.  The outpouring of pride in me has been especially felt deep in my heart, and it makes me want to keep going... no matter how bumpy it's beginning to look on the outside...

So, I pack AH in the car and he sleeps on the way to the Northern California Renaissance Faire.  For some reason, I feel extremely at peace with this world.  As I enter the gates, I just become enveloped in the experience.  I nod my head to passersby; I politely bow my body to those in a higher position than I; I smile at fools and small children, and something inside me clicks.  It's like my heart settles and my mind sort of goes on autopilot.

The Ren Faire we go to is set up like a marketplace. There are a lot of shops and some stages, and games and more shops and gypsies and pirates and fairies and royalty and peasants and everything wonderful. There are bright vivid costumes, loud bustling talk as people haggle and negotiate and laugh. There are bawdy performances, there are street hockers, there are musicians wandering through the street playing their instruments.  This noisy, glorious, tumultuous experience is where I feel a deep sense of peacefulness.  I wander through the stores, glance at wares I am interested in (I got a lovely new leather bound journal for poems written by hand. The cotton paper drinks up the ink from my fountain pen, and AH got some pouches for his eventual garb. I even got a new silver barrette for my hair.)  I sit down to watch the Bold and Stupid Men show (though it is with different people, it is still amusing) and get a medallion stamped (This year's is a beautiful silver clad necklace with a claddagh on one side and the Green man on the other).  Everything put me at ease.  I felt that I belonged to this era of hand crafted books and cacophonous brilliance roaming through the streets of the dirt path that mapped out our way through the market.  It was wonderful!

We stopped by In-N-Out on the way home and I got to eat anything I wanted, as I still had all of my weekly points remaining, and I was glad that I wasn't eating the turkey legs and roasted skewered vegetables that were the fare of the faire.

We had a lovely time, and came home happy. He fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from an oveworked week, and I went to some poetry reading and spent time with great friends.  Altogether, a wonderful Sunday.

I am to bed.. It is time.

I love you all and hope that you keep safe and happy!


Episode 14: Wherein I had a Long day! :)

Lost 7 pounds even this week!! Whoo hooo!! That's a total of 10 pounds.  Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and being proud of me.  I love you all.

Will post about Ren Faire tomorrow, as I'm exhausted.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Episode 13: The Post that Wasn't

My apologies to my audience that this didn't get posted last night.  I stayed up late talking to a friend and nearly fell asleep on the computer. I postponed this posting until this morning, so here I am, blurry eyed and droopy tailed saying good morning! :)  (Puck, who decided that my normal work schedule wake up call at 5:30 was exactly what I needed, says hi too!)

I am beginning to struggle.  It's not just that I forget to eat, which I have been having a problem with doing lately. I'm not actually getting to my point total that is supposed to be my minimum. I am sort of finding it difficult to remember to record what little I do eat.  My meals have been healthy, and I have been trying to create healthy choices of food around me.  My refrigerator is full of healthy vegetables and my fruit basket is nearly over-flowing (bet you didn't know I already owned a fruit basket!)  I am just not eating as much as I probably should, according to the plan.  I think my friend last night called it "weight watcher's lethargy".  I thought that was a good term.

As I head into my weigh in for week two.. and my third week of blog posts (if I do 7 more,I will have created a good habit.. and I will do one tonight, for I will have much to report), I wonder what things I can do to motivate myself to push past this lethargy barrier.    

One of my motivations is my friends and family who love me.  I have found that I have such an amazing support circle that wants me to succeed that I almost feel like I am letting them down if I don't.  I even had my sister and my brother's fiance post on my Facebook wall a reminder that I needed to blog.  I love that sort of motivation and caring from people who actually pay attention to what I do.

Another motivation, which sounds weird, is my Second Life.  My avatar in that world is thin and gorgeous, and I would love to look and move like she does.  I would love for people to perceive me in that way (though I admit, the tail and ears will have to stay in Second Life) as it gives me so much confidence to do things I would have never done in this body.  I host poetry shows, I go to writing collectives and I run a short story discussion group with a close friend of mine.  I watch my avatar do all of these things, and want the woman who lives behind the screen to be just as hot and talented as the person that I see on the screen.

My last motivation is a sudden fervor for life that I haven't felt in a long time.  I am ecstatic to be alive right now, which is something I couldn't have said a few years ago, when I was wallowing in a depression.  Today, right now, I am happy to be breathing in air, filling my lungs with oxygen and just simply existing.  Everything looks different through my eyes lately, and I am loving just being alive. The wonderment of the sunset, the way the wind blows through my willow tree outside, the friends and family who love me more than I could ever imagine- these are the things that make my life worth living.  

But for now... I'm going back to sleep :)

Thank you to all who read this, and to all who love me. Your support means more to me than anything.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Episode 12: Energy

Continuing on the same strain as I was writing on yesterday, I was thinking about the childish energy of those tricycling children.  To be able to ride away with the abandon that I watched yesterday, without thought of being hurt and not a care in the world would be so exhilarating.  As I watched them ride, grins of unaware joy on their faces, I wished that I too could be young again, start off life with such enjoyable potential and have that much energy!

Energy is a problem for me.  It comes and goes, but most of the time, because of my weight, because of my hobbies and habits, I am usually on the low end of the energy spectrum.  My favorite past times include playing computer games and reading books.  I don't walk, or do much of anything physical.  My Nintendo Wii goes woefully ignored, though I could spend much time on it exercising.

I know that the equation is often, at least for physical activity, expend energy in exercise and more energy is created.  The more you move, the more you can move and the more you will move.  My body, however, does not believe in that equation.  My body feels that it must store all of the energy that it can and burn it in reading or writing or enjoying the company of others in various virtual realities.

I have tried many ways to increase my activity, and thus, my energy.  I have tried Wii Fit. I have tried Dance Dance Revolution.  I have tried Tai Chi.  None of these seem to fit very well.  To be honest, the only physical activity that seems to rejuvenate my energy levels is swimming.  To feel my body wrapped in water, weightless to the world, and move my limbs through the low resistance exercise makes me feel like one of those children on the tricycles.  It brings a smile to my face, a warm flowing feeling to my muscles, and I feel satisfied.

Unfortunately, my pool is often full of other tenants of my apartment complex, or it is just too cold outside to go swimming.

I need a new way to find energy through exercise. I know I will find one with time, but I also know that I need to start getting up and moving.  It is imperative.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Episode 11: Trike-a-thon!

... which I probably spelled wrong.

I don't think I had ever been to the military base that my sister works on until today.  I didn't get to see much of it, just the preschool, but it was nice, what I saw.  The preschool is a low-lying one story building with a chain link fence surrounding it, where my nephew makes friends. He is easily picked out by the shock of red hair glows copper in the sunlight, and the big goofy smile. This kid is awesome.  He has this excellent sense of wonder, and since he is 2 and a half, he is just learning about the world.  Since he is just 2 and a half, he doesn't quite have the vocabulary or the linguistic skills to fully detail what he is thinking, but the other day, I walked around with him and he told me the colors of everything that he could see.  It was a nice walk.

Today was especially nice to see the outpouring of support for my sister, which came after a great outpouring of support for me from a lot of outlets after my fairly whiny post yesterday.  My mom and her husband were there, video-taping and taking pictures of all of the kids gathered.  My sister's best friend came over and watched for a while.  At first, there were about 20 kids, altogether in the 3-4 age group. Their tricycles, or sometimes even bicycles with the spindly training wheels which are never on the ground at the same time, riding around like a NASCAR circle, and causing just as many accidents, as they spontaneously decide to abandon their tricycles and go for the watermelon and water bottles that the preschool teachers offer them for refreshment.  Being around children all day seems to me that it would be so exhilarating, but also so incredibly exhausting.  Not a job I think I would be very good at.. at least not that age group.  I asked one of the teachers if she often went home with bruises on her shins, and I think her answer was something like "You have no idea", after she rolled her eyes.

When my nephew's (IN from now on.. for Incredible Nephew) group came up.. the 2-3 group (or possibly younger.. he's getting to be such a big boy), IN brought out his shining blue tricycle, which I am sure had been newly washed, and shone brightly in the sun.  It was the most resplendent of all of the tricycles there, the wheels painted to match, and the wooden board on the back.  My brother-in-law could step on the bike and make it speed to incredible speeds (for a tricycle) and I could hear IN laughing with that cheerful childhood abandon that we seem to lose and only find when in the presence of close friends and lovers.  No times were taken for his age group, and my only complaint is that they didn't give them longer to ride, and instead went back after 15 minutes.

Altogether, a good day, followed by a good (if pointy) lunch, followed by a wonderful evening of killing stuff with AH and then a good conversation and a Haunted House roam in SL to cap off a really great day.  Even after all of that eating, I only had 4 points more than my daily allowance, and I am keeping on track.  I am trying to make healthy choices for myself, not just in what I eat, but also in the people that I share my life with.  I think I am doing pretty well so far! :)

Thanks for reading, and thank you all so much for your love and support!


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Episode 10.5: My sister is wonderful!

Hehe.. quick update as I go back to cleaning my floor... My little sister came and cheered me up by bringing me flowers and eating bugs on my front porch and talking to me a little.  Yay for my wonderful little sister!  I feel better... now for some cleaning, and maybe yoga!

Episode 10: Emotional Eating

I'm depressed today.  Recently, I have been on this huge upswing, riding high, sort of on a giggling manic, but today my mood took a dive and I feel horrible.  Part of me wants to chuck this diet and head straight for the ice cream that is in the fridge.  Part of me wants to rip open the bag of Creme d'Menthe bits that AH bought me to make cookies out of - once I had a few extra points - and devour the entire bag.  I hate being depressed, but what I hate worse is being an emotional eater.

The problem with being an emotional eater is that I may head for that bag of chocolates, or down that half gallon of ice cream and it will make me feel temporarily better with the sugar rush and the endorphins that make my blood go whee!  But in the end, I know it will make everything worse. I will end up on a sugar high, an artificial mood, for a little while, and then I will crash worse than I started.  I will look at the empty container and the guilt will creep in.  I will think "Oh! I was so awful!  Look what I did.. I am never going to get thin."  This will, of course, build on the cycle of emotional eating.  I will get even more depressed at the thought of gaining back all the weight that I just lost, at my deteriorating health. Everything I do or think will have a black cloud of doubt and gloom cast over it and I will get even more negative than I already am.

The other part of depression is the lethargy.  I do not want to move. I do not want to think. This slothlike feeling goes hand in hand with the depression and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch sappy romantic movies and cry my eyes out. (The Notebook being the movie I cannot watch during these downswings as it will leave me a pile of sobbing goo on my couch.)

In my head, I know I just have to wait for it to pass.  I know that my mind is just playing tricks on my body and I have to wait it out, don't do anything drastic, and try to surround myself with positive thoughts and influences.  I need to accomplish something that will make me feel better about myself.  

Writing is out of the question. There is nothing more depressing than sitting down to write when I'm in one of my "moods" and finding all the poetry coming out of me, or even writing, being about heartbreak, sadness, and death.  As a former recovering Goth kid, this was the tenure of much of my teen angst writing.  I could work on my novel, but my mood will inevitably shift to that of my characters and they may do something drastic.  I'm all for editing, but really often, the characters run the story and I just write down what they tell me to do.  Right now, they're telling me to go eat all the ice cream in the fridge and write them into torrid love affairs that will all end badly.  Not an option.

Instead, I think I will go clean something.  Empty the dishwasher, clean up around my desk (which has the detritus of probably 3 weeks of lack of cleaning surrounding it), maybe even get up the nerve to finally sort out and clean off my dinner table... but I wouldn't hold my breath about that.  

Altogether, writing this made me smile a little bit, which is good and I can feel my spirits picking up.  I had better go clean something while I still have the energy.

Thanks for reading!  (and to my followers! I have three now! How awesome is that!)  I hope you have a lovely everything.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Episode 9: Vitamins and Vegetables

So, I am supposed to take a multivitamin every day and I have been neglecting it out of laziness.  I finally found my bottle of Woman's One-A-Day (which, oddly enough are called petites and you have to take 2 a day), but I am finally adding vitamins to my weight loss regime.

You know, I'm surprised that I made it to nine posts.  Twelve to go until I feel that I have really made it a good habit.

So, today I made Weight Watcher's Garden Vegetable soup.  It smells divine.  My refrigerator looks like a farmer's market, full of greenery and color and 4 identical containers of soup in beef broth.  Some things I learned today while making soup...

1. We do not own a vegetable peeler.
2. Carrots still taste ok with their skins on.
3. If you mix garlic and onion together in a pot with carrots and saute them, the air will become filled with a thick vapor of onion-garlic essence that makes AH's eyes nearly swell shut.
4. Spinach is remarkably easy to cut into soup-making bites.
5. Carrots are not so easy to cut...

The soup tastes pretty good though. I'm looking for ways to make variations on it, like figuring out some winter veggies that would go well in it, or finding a way to make it perhaps a bit thicker, like a stew, and add some points and meat pieces.  Figuring out how to make it in my crock pot would be great, as I want to make it on Sunday mornings and package it for lunches for school.

I am trying, and I am keeping up with it.  Exact points used today, though I didn't get all of my veggies in like I should have, I did get all of my low-fat milks in, which was always the hardest part for me before.  I am feeling gorgeous today, and my confidence is amazing.  I feel good about myself because I know I am loved.

Speaking of being loved, AH has the evening off for the first time in about 2 weeks.  I am going to go spend some unconscious time with him.. though in reality, I'll probably just fall asleep on the couch!

Thanks for reading!


Monday, September 26, 2011

Episode 8: Stress sucks!

Got a call this morning for the cardiologist who has been trying to get in touch with me for the last week to schedule a treadmill stress test.  I finally agreed to come in, and the nurse decided to pin me down then and there and tell me to come in that afternoon and that I wasn't allowed to eat anything at all until the test.  Suddenly I found myself getting very incredibly hungry, and stayed so until after I was done and finally got something to eat.

Not the healthiest eating today because of it, but I stayed under points, and if I needed to, I could have a banana with my corn chex "dessert" that will help build my fruits and veggies up to where I want them.

So, dressed in my comfy sweats, Nanowrimo T-shirt and tennis shoes, I wandered over to the doctor's office and was greeted by a form explaining that they weren't responsible if I had to have extra tests or if I had a heart attack as I was on the treadmill.  I skimmed the letter, signed it and waited for them to hook me up the machine.

The very kind cardiac nurse offered me a hospital gown made of stiff cotton and approximately 8 sizes too big for me. It felt like a tent, which is sort of impressive in its size.  She then wrapped a belt around my waist and proceeded to rub an abrasive lotion on my skin so that the test nodules would stick better.  She added an octopus looking device - a small black box with numerous wires extending from it- and began to attach the octopus to the indicators around my chest and under my breast.  Then a sock of a blood pressure cuff that wrapped around my arm tightly, and I was ready.

They asked me to sit for five minutes to get a "resting" reading. I read McEwan, barely noticing what was on the page.  My blood pressure was 146/70.. or something close to that. Heart rate at 76.  My target for the day was 157.  Not too bad...Then the very nice nurse practitioner came in, asked if I had any questions (I rarely do) and then stuck me on the treadmill.

It started off slow enough, and then rose to an incline.  I could feel the muscles in my legs begin to burn, and my left arm begin to tingle again, the numbness spreading to my fingers.  The speed increased and the treadmill continued to incline, and I felt my calves continue to burn and the air in my lungs constricting as I struggled.  Looking at the heart monitor, my pulse began to rise.. 100... 100.. 115.  In continued to huff and puff, breathing in deeply through my nose but feeling the pain with every breath.  My chest felt that familiar constricting feeling, but I kept going.  120... 130... 140...  My arm constrained against the blood pressure cuff and I watched the reading of that rise as well.. hitting 160/70.. 165/75.. Everything tingled and hurt and burned.

The nurse warned me that the treadmill would increase in speed and inclination and I can only nod, I cannot speak at all.  It begins to rise and all I can think is "I don't want to pass out... I don't want to pass out."  Breathing has become much more difficult and my lungs feel like someone is squeezing them  together. I can barely catch a breath.  The NP starts to cheer me on.. "Only 5 more.. only 3 more.. you can do it".

Finally... finally, they let me sit down again and start to measure my recovering heart rate.  I watch it slow down on the monitor, the little peaks of the EKG becoming fewer and farther between until my heart rate gets near to 100 again and my breathing starts to normalize. I am still wheezing and fighting a cough, but I made it through. Pink paper cycles through the printer and shows them exactly what my heart was doing.

The nurse explains that I am fine.  My heart is strong, but I still need to lose weight (duh!).  My 10 year survival rate is calculated at 99%. I think I'll be fine.

Good.  I never ever ever want to do that again!

Episode 7: Sunday Meetings

My first meeting was today.  I chose Sunday morning as my meeting time mostly because it is the only morning that I don't have anything else to do.  As I drove through the nearly deserted streets this morning, I noticed that there were cars lining the streets of otherwise deserted neighborhoods.  These cars grouped around the early morning services of the local Catholic and Presbyterian churches that I happened to pass by as I drove to the shopping center. Once I got to the shopping center, there were cars that were grouped around the small store front just as they had been around the church.  I park at the very end of the parking lot and walk in.

The voices inside are hushed, people milling around, standing in line waiting to see the cashiers and be weighed.  Again, images of church and a sort of communion occur to me.  The scale of weight judgement awaits and we stand there, practically naked in front of our confessor, in this case a nice lady who helps me purchase a food scale and talks about her own weight loss experience.

Once I have been told of my worthiness (I lost 3.4 pounds! Yay!), I wandered to the meeting area, where there was more milling and more conversation.  When I had walked in, I stood behind a young lady that looked familiar. Behind me came another one, and they talked through me, barely noticing I was there.  I was currently fumbling in my purse and didn't care to look up until I had my necessary paperwork that I needed, and when I looked up, I saw two old friends that I had gone to college with.  We all expressed joyful surprise at seeing each other and caught up about jobs and where life had taken us in the last 10 years.  We scattered off to weigh in, and one left early for work and I chatted with the other one before the meeting.

The meeting reminded me of many of the church services I had been to.  It started with an affirmation, discussed our reason for being there and how we can make ourselves better. She preached about her own experiences with weight loss, made reference to the holy book "Points Plus Getting Started Guide" and passed out manna in the form of weight loss strategies and an anchoring technique.  Altogether, I felt very positive about myself as I walked out the doors and towards my car.

Afterward, I went out and bought a car load of healthy food and groceries. Fruits and vegetables now overflow my fridge.  I will wake up tomorrow, clean my kitchen and make myself a great Garden Vegetable soup and prepare for another great week of weight loss.

Thanks to all of my support and friends and thanks for reading!


Weighing in on: Division in our country

 I know that I started this as a weight loss/health blog, but I think it's just going to become my blog. Just me and my random-ass thoug...