Episode 34: Sleep.. or lack thereof

I have been getting an average of probably 5-4 hours of sleep a night lately.  Down from my usual 7-8.  I am beginning to feel it.  I have been reading a few studies lately about how sleep loss can affect weight loss.

One article says that sleeping less affects weight loss because you are more likely to drink caffeine to keep yourself awake and hit up the donuts or chocolate for a quick sugar rush.  Another article says that when you sleep you produce hormones that hormones that control appetite and metabolism that are required for healthy weight loss.  It wasn't a matter of what foods you ate, or how you ate them, according to this study, because in their fieldwork, they discovered that if you sleep less, you actually eat less too, but you still gain weight.

Getting a bit of shut eye is a bit difficult for me lately.  I want to stay up and talk or watch videos.  My eyes get droopy and my body relaxes, but my mind, for the most part will stay active and alert enough to hold a conversation, or comprehend a video.  I push the barriers of mental alertness until that too finally crashes and I may even drift off mid-sentence.  Even as I close my eyes, I fall quickly into very strange dreamettes. Snippets of dreams, and as my mind tries to struggle to stay alert, I will blend both dream world and real world for some.. very strange conversations.

I will try to catch up to sleep this weekend, but with lesson planning and some reading I want to do, not to mention the myriad events on SL and other (wonderful) distractions, I'm not sure how much rest I will actually get.

Is it worth it to stay up so late?  Emotionally, mentally I can say definitively yes.  Physically though my body is going to revolt soon.  I just hope it's not during class.

Love and lollipops to all. I hope you have a wonderful everything!

ToryLynn

Episode 33: Wherein I break a habit by overdoing it

Morose. Morose Morose Morose Morose.  I like that word, Morose.  I've sort of liked it ever since I heard it on Chasing where Jay comes in on a brooding (yet hot) Ben Affleck (Holden), and says "Well, look at this morose motherfucker".  I just like the word.  Apparently I overuse it though.

I am morose today.  I am sour, glum, moody, crabby, cranky, disconsolate, saturnine, ill natured, splenetic.  If I didn't have to go to work to do my post-observation conference, I probably wouldn't go.  I will go though, with my best smile on and in my most comfortable clothes I can get away with at work (black jeans, black shirt and my new trendy sweater).

I think my observation went well yesterday.  I find out today during my prep, but my students were (mostly) on task, the lesson was well prepared.  I knew what I was doing. If only I could be as well prepared every day.  Teaching is draining. Life is draining.  It's not that I'm exhausted (although I did get up at 2:45 this morning) it's just that I'm drained.  I feel that life has ebbed out of me today.  I know that it is chemical, some neuron in my brain misfiring or some lack of hormone or something, so I am not going to worry about it. I will be on an upswing soon enough.  I can handle this affliction without adding more chemicals to my brain that I don't need.  I will sip my coffee, suckle the caffeine teat, and try to energize myself for just two more days of school until the blessed blessed weekend.

Morose! (You know, the more I use the word.. the less meaning it has.  Maybe I will stop using it.)

(By the way, of all the Kevin Smith View Askewniverse movies, my favorites go in this order... Chasing Amy, Dogma, Clerks, Clerks 2, Jay and Silent Bob, Mallrats.  I have a signed 10th anniversary edition of Clerks.  It is awesomesauce. Oh now I wish I could take those to school and watch them.  Now that would cheer me up.)

Episode 32: Observation

Ok.. this one isn't going to be about weight loss at all, but about school and how incredibly nervous I am!

My evaluation observation is today.  The administrator has been given my lesson plans and I have a my powerpoint ready and all of my lesson plans set up with all of my handouts. My classroom is sort of messy, but as soon as I take a shower, I'm going to go remedy that situation.  I am going to be amazing. I am going to wander and make sure everybody is working. I am going to check for understanding. I am going to make sure that my students all understand what theme is. I am going to be amazing.  I am unnerved.

Because my life has been going through so many changes recently, I am gaining a certain amount of confidence in myself.  I hope that confidence comes through in my classroom today. I hope that I shine as bright as the Chrysler building! :)  I hope I do great things.  I'm not exactly as well planned for my Junior class as I would like, but so that goes, I suppose.

I am rambly today because I am nervous.  I am nervous because I am afraid to get a bad review. Even though I have tenure, even though I have a decent respect of the administration and my own limitations, I am afraid of getting a bad review.  But I am a great teacher. I connect to my students, I pay attention to their needs. I know my materials and my curriculum.  I *am* a good teacher.  So why do I suddenly feel that I totally lack confidence? Why am I so nervous and scared all of a sudden?  I'm not sure.

I have to take a shower and pick out some clothes to wear.  I have had my coffee for today, eaten my cottage cheese with pineapple, and have plans for lunch with a teacher friend to debrief and talk about lesson plans and stuff and a plan with AM to unwind and watch Full Metal Alchemist (awesome anime) to unwind this evening.  Today will be a good day. I know it will.  I'm just.. crossing my fingers and my toes and would even cross my ovaries..if I could!

Love and lollipops and wish me luck!

Tory

Episode 31: Changes

A lot is changing in my life.  My friends tell me that I am looking thinner.  My body feels better. I feel more confident and more alive than I have in a long time.  I am even noticing the change in a place that I never thought to look for change before... My Google Chrome splash page.

For those of you who don't use Google Chrome, it is my favorite browser and I highly recommend it.  It opens up with the tab that has your home page, but if you click on the "new tab" button, it opens up a screen with your most visited pages.  I find this incredibly helpful as I, like probably 90% of the population, have about 5 to 6 websites I visit nearly daily, just to check up on things.  The standards are all there: school website, email, facebook.  But things are changing...

Where I previously had websites of my favorite web comics, pages I would try to visit whenever they posted an update, now my Google Chrome tells me that I am on the Weight Watcher's site more often than xkcd.  In addition to Giant in the Playground, Blogger shows up instantly to remind me that I have a blog post for the day. If you asked me which websites have been replaced, I probably couldn't tell you, which means they probably didn't matter much to begin with.

I need to start finding foods that I enjoy cooking, healthy meals that make me want to prepare them every night. I need to stop stopping at Burger King or McDonald's on the way home from work, but have a solid plan for dinner that I can cook and enjoy and have enough left overs that maybe I would have the same thing for lunch the next day.  I would love to add some foodie pages to my Chrome splash page.. or an exercise website that has Yoga videos.  All of these would be wonderful right now.

Anyway, work beckons. I hope you are all well and wonderful!

ToryLynn

Episode 30: Support structure

Down even more this week, but not nearly as much as I wanted. 1.2 pounds of fat gone from my body. I feel lighter too.

I am building this strong structure for support of people who love me and cheer me on. Many friendships have strengthened by this. (Yesterday my favorite SL DJ sent me a message that started "hey skinny" and I giggled happily). I feel more confident, more capable and I have so much more energy. Everywhere people tell me that they are happy for me and take pride in my accomplishments. I feel amazing.

I am 15 pounds lighter than I was exactly one month ago. I know I can be healthy and beautiful... Just watch me.

Love and low fat ice cream.

ToryLynn

posted from Bloggeroid

Episode 29: Proud of me

Every night, I sit up for a few minutes and I write down what I ate that day. I used to have a paper book that I recorded everything in, and I have my Droid app for recording stuff in as well, but those mostly get ignored.  I have so many tools at my fingertips, but what seems to be the best thing for me lately is to sit up in the evening, watching movies and talking to AM while I record my food for the day and figure out if I need an evening snack.  Peanut butter from a spoon has become one of my favorite snacks late in the night. High in protein, and only one tablespoon, since it is 5 points for one tablespoon, but once that sticky, sweet almost salty goodness hits my tongue, I am happy.

Every night, as I record my points, he asks me what I am doing and I tell him and then he says "I am so proud of you."  I have heard that statement quite a bit lately, from family and friends.  It is an amazing feeling for someone to take pride in me. It makes me feel amazing every time I hear it.  I know that I shouldn't place my self worth in the opinions of others, but it feels really great to have a little bit of pride in myself.  Yes! I've lost over 10 pounds in the last month. Yes! My clothes are beginning to fit better.  Yes! I can move better now!  I feel amazing and special and it is because so many people have told me that they are proud of me.  I am loving this!

I don't feel depraved.  In fact, just the opposite. I feel satisfied, like the cat that caught the canary and is hiding it under her paw, waiting to savor the experience that skill and life have given her.  I eat enough, I am emotionally fulfilled, I am taking over my own life and it feels amazing. I feel like I can do anything! Now... what was that about Nanowrimo?

Love and snuggles,

Tory

Episode 28: Exhaustion

Not sleeping. Probably not eating enough. Need to start working out. Too tired to really do much. In academic conferencing all day.  Brain not functioning.  Coffee reboot not helping. Hope I don't blue screen today.  Meh...

Episode 27: Techno JOY!!!

OMIPU!! Can it be? I think it may be true.. my phone is updating to Gingerbread, even as I type.  Squeeeee!!!

I'm kind of a techy, at least as far as PCs and gadgety things go.  I don't have a tablet (though I really want one... but not an iPad, I think. I want something Droidy), I never owned a blackberry, but I love technology.  As Eddie would say, "I have techno JOY!"  So when I woke up this morning and saw that my phone was downloading a pretty hefty update this morning, my joy overflowed and now I am sitting here, obsessively watching the tiny screen, waiting to see what my new OS will be like.

Most of my family belongs to the Cult of Jobs.  There were saddened by the loss of their Appley prophet, and cling to their iPhones and iMacs and iBooks like an iAcolyte.  I was saddened by the loss of a man with a vision, but I haven't felt the need to get a Mac.  Sure, some of the software is exclusive and is pretty cool, but I have always been, and always will be..a PC.  I think it is mostly because I know how to fix them, thanks to an ex who trained me well on PCs. I know how the OS works, I know how to work settings and fix things.  I have helped a lot of my friends on their PCs from long distances away because I am aware of what their operating system works and how to help them fix things.

It's not that I don't appreciate Macs. I do. They are a decent system that I don't know how to run very well.  Every time I have touched a Mac computer, I have found the system laggy, the OS a bit confusing, and for some reason, I'm really good at making them crash.   I don't do it on purpose, and I'm pretty sure that The computer would die a horrible hideous death if I tried to fix it, since I don't know anything about the OS or what is going on within the system.

Someday in the future, I may live with a Mac.  When this day comes, I will smile and help set it up, and proceed to never touch that computer as long as I can help it.  I will not be tempted by the shiny gadgetry, or the photo apps, or even the ability to be both a Mac and a PC (Oh.. if Mac software is so awesome, why don't PCs have their own Mac emulator? Oh.. wait.. because we don't need it! :) )  I will sit on the other side of the room with my PC, typing away merrily, smug in the knowledge that I think my toys are better than yours. (Yes, Yes, I know. I am technology prejudiced... maybe even a techno snob. I can live with that).

My phone is updated (it only took a few minutes) and the screen is very pretty. (Oh.. and.. it never crashed while updating either...) It seems almost a bit bigger, which is ridiculous, but I am loving the way that it is streamlined.  I can't wait to really play with it more, but alas.. work calls.

Hrm... no foodie or weight stuff in this blog today, just a girl with Techno JOY!

Hope all have a lovely day!

ToryLynn

Episode 26: Ouchie!

I know I have to start exercising soon and that it will help with my weight loss. I know I should find some way to get at least 20 minutes a day (or even 30) of walking or some sort of activity that I enjoy that will help me move around a lot better.  But right now, walking or any sort of physical activity seems freakin' impossible...mostly because I am in a world of pain.

Admittedly, it is my fault.  AH and I have a lovely Lay-Z-Boy couch.  Very comfy, with two reclining seats, buff furry type of material, and a remote control holder that I made that rarely ever holds remotes.  In fact, I am sitting on it as I blog. But, there is a problem.  I can't sleep on it when I am reclined.. or not very well anyway.  I sleep on my side, usually my right. So I curl up on the couch talking long distance to AM and watch Netflix, all laying down on my right side. (By the way, I wholly recommend Full Metal Alchemist! What a great storyline!) Well, our wonderful couch has wooden partitions between the seats, and my back, right where it hits the partition, is bruised.  It is so bruised that it hurts to touch it and it hurts to move, but no actual bruise shows on the skin.  Grrrrrr. How am I supposed to go exercise if I can't move!  I think I need to find another way or another place to sit if I'm going to be online watching movies and such.

Anyway, a big happy birthday to BD, who is another year older. I hope your day is wonderful!

Anyway, I am off to work! I hope you all have a lovely everything!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 25: Hush

My first alarm clock goes off at 4, gently waking me up if I happen to be in the right part of REM.  This morning, I was, and it was singing love songs by the Beatles for me.  I hit snooze, reluctantly, and opened my eyes to the darkness of my bedroom, AH breathing deeply beside me as he slept through the alarm.  All I could hear was his breathing and my CPAP machine, telling me that I continued to breathe.  The wooshy sound of my own breath, helped along by a force of air that keeps me from snoring (and loudly, I might add) was relaxing, and my mind became peaceful and let go.

I fall into dream quickly, and anybody who has ever heard me fall into these dreams knows that I kinda talk in my sleep (at least, just as I am falling asleep), so it wasn't surprising when I heard myself mumbling, though I have no idea what I was saying.  Fortunately, I think AH slept through it but I wonder what causes me to do this.  I think, most of the time, that as I sleep, as I dream, I am talking to someone.  This morning's conversation was with a close friend, but if you asked me what I was dreaming about, I couldn't tell you.  All I know is that I was sitting across a table from him drinking coffee and enjoying a deep conversation, and answering questions aloud, because I could hear my voice being used in the awake world.  It was strange, but also rather oddly comforting.  In my dream, the conversation lasted hours.  In the real world, I had to get up an hour later.  I don't remember what was discussed, I don't remember if there was anything more than talking, but I do remember that I woke up an hour later, not realizing that I had hit snooze on my alarm clock 3 times, but feeling better rested and at peace.

So, now I am up with my granola and yogurt and coffee ready to face the world for another day, happy that I have friends to talk to... even if I am just talking to them in my sleep.

So, a rather thoughtful blog today about nothing incredibly important. I'm kind of rambly, but I am happy nonetheless.  I hope all of you are too.

ToryLynn

Episode 24: Shopping spree!

So... weighed in and lost 3.6 pounds this week! Woot! I was super stoked and went clothes shopping to get a new pair of black jeans and discovered that I went down an entire pants size! Woot again! Not only that but they aren't super tight. They fit me perfectly. I also got a really nice brown cardigan that was 30% off.

AH and I are spending the day at mini golf and the corn maze (it is amaizing says AM) and testing out my new pedometer. So yay exercise, and if I am a really good girl, maybe he will take me to Ghirardelli for some ice cream, but he says he doesn't want to be responsible for me gaining the weight back.

So.. even more people tell me they are reading my blog, and one of LS's (Little Sister, for those who care) friends said that it is inspiring her to get in shape. So yay! My role as muse is being extended to weight loss fairy as well as inspiration for writers and musicians too.

Anyway, I am blogging as AH drives and he is giving me that look that says I have been on my phone for too long.

EDIT: I didn't lose 36 pounds... I forgot the decimal in the original. I would have to lop off a limb to lose that the much! Thanks mom for pointing that the out.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

posted from Bloggeroid

Episode 23: Soup making

So today, after I finish cleaning my kitchen, I will sit and chop vegetables while listening to people talk about books on Second Life.  I will combine celery and broccoli and spinach and carrots and cabbage to add to the pleasing scent of garlic and onions sauteed to perfection before I add my beef broth and tomato paste to create a really awesome soup that has no points to it, but tastes wonderful.

After that, I may make some salmon cakes, using more of the celery and adding light mayo and bread crumbs to create perfect patties of salmony goodness that I dip in a effusion of light mayo and balsamic vinegar (OMG! SO YUMMY!).

Then I will go party with the fam as we look at beautiful jewelry and talk about fall fashions (I am, after all.. SUCH a fashion diva. </sarcasm>

Love love to all.  I'm going to have a wonderful day, because I am loved.

Tory

Episode 22: Thar she blows!

Ugh.  I woke up at 5:15 this morning, after having tried to snooze myself back into some sort of blissful stasis where I dreamed of (oddly) musicians and puppies.  But the puppies, and the musicians for that matter, were very cute, and I wanted to go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, my allergies really had other plans.

A lot of people have spring, pollen allergies.  AH gets them the worst when the trees behind our apartment (beautiful willows which hang down near the water's edge) begin to blossom their tiny yellow buds.  They spray green pollen everywhere, so much that AH's car will look like it's ready to say "Hulk Smash".  Spring allergies come and go with the season, the flowers closing up and dropping off to leave behind the fruits of summer and the harvest.

My allergies, however, are autumn and winter allergies. And just to be extra fun, they usually end up being spring allergies too.  I'm allergic to molds and dust. (I won't give up bleu cheese dressing though... just sayin'.)  My allergies come in the form of anything damp, which means that when it rains, or gets particularly humid, or even sometimes just a bit cold, my nose starts acting up and I can sneeze upwards of 15 times sometimes.  AH swears I sneeze this much because I don't know how to sneeze properly, but I seem to do just fine.  He will usually say "bless you" for the first 2 or 3, but after the sixth or seventh, he tells me that I'm greedy and I am left to sneeze in peace.  If there was any truth to the rumor that 15 sneezes is equivalent to a heart attack, and sixteen to an orgasm, I would have had many many orgasms.. right after a pretty decent heart attack.  Fortunately, I am proof that none of that is true.  Sneezing just happens... again... and again.. and again.  Blech.

I'm gonna spend a few minutes this morning taking my Friday measurements. AH says it looks like I have physically lost weight, but we'll see.  This has been another pretty bad week for me, what with school starting and the campus cafe making such delicious (and pointiful) lunches.  I need to start bringing my own lunches, making them at home, and planning out my foods for the week ahead of time so that I know I'm hitting my mark and then can have a few extras when I want them.

Ka welo happy.

Have a lovely day!  Love to all

EDIT: After taking measurements, I have lost 8 inches off of my body. I hope it keeps going down.

ToryLynn

Episode 21: Yogurt and Granola

So, Dannon Light and Fit Vanilla Yogurt paired with Special K Honey Granola is my new favorite breakfast of champions.  Don't get me wrong, I do like to mix it up once in a while and have maybe some Corn Chex or Special K, but the mixture of granola and yogurt gets me every time in just the right place.

I used to not like yogurt at all.  The acidophiles or whatever left a strange taste in my mouth and I also was (and still am) a bit creeped out that there are things *living* in my yogurt as I eat it.  But now those little cultures are like heaven on my tongue, when combined with the crunchiness of really good granola.  The granola I get has honey in it, and is pretty standard.  We went grocery shopping yesterday and passed through the "healthy" food isle, and I was tempted to stop and get some of the different flavored granola, and maybe I will, but not yet.  This is wonderful! (and very healthy.. altogether only about 3 points for the whole breakfast!).  Combined with the Folger's Caramel K-cup, and I'm in breakfast heaven.

I think the root of my sweet tooth goes all the way down to my toes. Total yummy deliciousness.

Work calls, and while I am sort of reluctant to go, I have Prep today. Two hours of time to work on lesson plans and grading, alone in my blissfully quiet classroom.

Have a lovely day all.. I know I started mine out right.

Love and lollipops (and thanks, Dad, for that phrase).

ToryLynn

Episode 20: Anywhere but Here

Ok.. so.. because I didn't exactly make my coffee the right way this morning I am blogging late.  My lesson plans aren't exactly done, since I came home and literally crashed yesterday afternoon for about 3 hours, and my hair is a mess.

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer a lot when I was in college (and I do happen to own the DVDs), and in one episode, I think at the beginning of the second season, Willow and Xander are walking around near the graveyard playing a game of "Anywhere but here".  Fun game and I can think of a few places that fit the bill right now. (Xander was boring and always had the same answer).

I'm tired today down to my bones, and I'm coming down from a 2 week really awesome high.  Fortunately, even though I'm coming down from it, my feet haven't quite hit the ground yet.  Getting back to school is where my focus should lie right now, but life has a funny way of making us wish that we weren't where we actually are.

I listen to Norah Jones.  She has a lovely voice, and most of her songs are pretty well within my range.  She has one, probably her best known one, called "Come Away with Me."  That song has all of my "Anywhere but Here"s right now. ("I wanna walk with you/on a cloudy day/in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high....I want to wake up/to the rain/falling on a tin roof/while I'm safe there in your arms/)  Doesn't that sound nice?

Anyway, school calls and grades are due today.  I think I can get away with watching a movie, perhaps.  I know that none of my students are going to be prepared for class today... I know I'm not.

Hugs and kisses and love to all...

ToryLynn

Episode 19: Struggling to eat

Ugh.  It is a strange state of affairs when I actually have to like... find something to eat later at night because I  have 17 points left that I'm supposed to be eating for the day.  The logical part of me - which, for those of you who know me, is actually pretty small - says that I should actually make out a food plan well in advance, so that I know what I'm eating and I can make sure that I get all of my points in.  I know that I should cook more often.  I know that I have a lot of things that I could be doing, but I'm not actually doing them.

I think this afternoon I am going to go grocery shopping.  Today is a prep day and I have lunch with some really awesome history teachers who work at my school, and I think I'll take my Weight Watcher's stuff with me, do all of my grading and get that all caught up, make sure that I am doing well as a teacher, and then start planning out my meals for the week, just to make sure I get all of my points in.  I'll take my weight watcher's cookbook and the cookbooks that Awesome Musician (AM) gave me, and really focus on finding healthy recipes that I can make that will help me lose weight.

I have started to lose patience with this process and I'm sort of disheartened by this week's weight gain.  I know that it wasn't much, and that I could probably rack it up to water weight or something feministic and girly, but I really hadn't been trying very hard last week.  In all honesty, I haven't really started to try very hard this week either.  I am distracted and not obsessing over it, which is what I should be doing.  My most important goal in starting to work out my life and get myself really and truly sorted out should be the weight loss.  I shouldn't worry about much of anything else, because as long as I am healthy, the rest will sort itself out... right?

The shower is calling me, and maybe as I let the past day's dust and dirt wash off of me, I can also let some of the emotional baggage that goes with weight loss run off of me as well.

Just breathe...

Love and hugs!

ToryLynn

Episode 18: Here I go again...

OK, so, after a 2 week break, and a weekend of not blogging, or keeping track of much of my food and stuff, I am back.  I am back because I need to work on myself and this seems to be the only way that it happens, if I am beholden to a large group of people who follow.  I am back because truly I am exhausted with myself and that my weight seems to be holding me back from so much.  I need to really work out this change.

I have two alarm clocks.  One of them is on my phone and the other is an actual physical alarm clock.  My phone is using an app called "Gentle Alarm" which is supposed to work with your circadian rhythms and if you happen to be waking up a half an hour earlier than your regular alarm clock, coming out of that deep REM cycle where exhaustion lies, Gentle Alarm nudges you during that time and reminds you that you should probably be getting up soon, as that sleep cycle is done.  If you happen to be in deep REM sleep at that time,  you simply ignore whatever sound the alarm plays and continue to sleep for another half an hour. Today, REM was not in my favor and I woke up at 4:30 instead of 4.  My "get the hell out of bed, you can't snooze me!" alarm is set for 5 and resides across my bedroom from where I normally sleep.  This alarm affords me an hour or so before I have to go to work, wherein I hope to complete my daily ablutions, have coffee, confirm my lesson plans for the day and and get ready for work.

So, rather than develop this as an evening habit after I put in my points and review my day, I am hoping to make this a morning habit, where I motivate myself (and perhaps my friends and family around me) to lose weight and get healthier.  I know I can use the motivation.  I gained .2 pounds this week.  It's not a huge gain, and it could probably be water weight or just regular body fluctuations, but I really want to see the little minus signs before the numbers instead of after them.

So, new schedule has to be set.  It is time for me to grow up and take over my life.. because nobody else is going to do it for me.

Love to all who support and follow me. This is going to be a great day!

ToryLynn

Episode 17: In which a habit falters

Umm... ok... so the blog didn't work out very well yesterday/this morning.  I haven't been tracking my foods, I haven't been blogging, and I haven't been exercising.  This may not be a good week for me.  Things are rocking in my life right now, but I know need to take care of myself, and right now the best way for me to care for myself is to take a step back for a moment, try eat right, even if I'm not writing it all down, and take few really deep breaths, holding them and letting them out slowly.  I will write in this again, I promise.  I just.. am not in the mood tonight.

Signing off kinda tired and cranky (God, don't we all just love PMS)

ToryLynn

Episode 16: Not Eating Enough

Every day I get a certain amount of points that I am supposed to eat.  I remember that it was always so hard to stay under these points, when I previously joined Weight Watchers.  Now... something odd is happening.

I am not eating enough.

I add in my points at the end of the day, look at the total and wonder how I could have eaten so little!  It is a strange feeling indeed.  It is not that I am completely forgetting to eat, because I do eat a pretty steady 3 meals a day.  It is that my meals seem to be getting smaller.. or perhaps it is my appetite.

For instance, AH and I ordered breakfast yesterday as we were both up at 4am, and got Denny's.  Poached eggs, french toast and bacon for me.  A breakfast worth 21 points but... I couldn't eat it all. I couldn't hardly eat half.  I finished the eggs, because I like poached eggs, but only made it through about half of the bacon and 1/3 of the french toast.  I sat looking at the platter, wondering what was wrong that I couldn't finish it.  I used to be able to polish that off no problem without much thought, but for some reason my stomach just couldn't stomach it.  I left half the platter empty and sat wondering why.

I really haven't been eating much lately.  I pick at my food and oftentimes, I just sometimes forget to eat.  I don't know if it is that I am distracted, too busy to do much eating. I don't know if it is that I am not finding myself hungry as often as I used to.  I don't know that my stomach isn't shrinking to much smaller proprotions.  It just seems weird to me.

Another thing is that I'm finding the changes to the plan a bit.. well.. different.  All the fruits I can eat means that I can eat a lot of fruit and not have to worry about points.  I find that rather than grazing on high calorie snacks like potato chips or chocolate, I am picking a grape out of the fruit basket more often than not and eating that instead of heading into the kitchen to find something horrible for me.  I'll peel an orange and leave it open on my desk and nibble on it as absentmindedly as I used to nibble on Chex mix, or something like that.  I love fruit and want to keep lots of it around so that I eat it, but I don't have to count it for anything and I suddenly feel full.

I guess we'll find out if my adventures in undereating will get me any weight loss, but I don't think that it will.  I think that this week may be a bad one at the scale, but we will see.  I need to be healthier and I need to post on this blog more often .

Sorry again for the late post.. it was a late night, but a good one.  Thank you for reading...

ToryLynn

Episode 15: Renaissance and Coffee :)

Sounds like an interesting book title, doesn't it?

So, first bit of news! I got my new Keurig!!  I got a serious bonus in overages this month and I earned a beautiful reward of a new Keurig coffee system.  It is amazing.  From the first sip of my cup of French Vanilla Roast to my last sip of the Hazelnut that I had today, the coffee is amazing. And! I can program it to make me a cup of coffee upon my waking up in the morning! How awesome is that!  But wow.. that liquid comes out hot!

So anyway... Yesterday was sort of a whirlwind and I had an amazing day with AH.  I woke up, took a bath, blow dried my hair (wouldn't want the extra water in my hair to weigh me down) and went to weigh in. I lost 7 pounds this week.  The outpouring of pride in me has been especially felt deep in my heart, and it makes me want to keep going... no matter how bumpy it's beginning to look on the outside...

So, I pack AH in the car and he sleeps on the way to the Northern California Renaissance Faire.  For some reason, I feel extremely at peace with this world.  As I enter the gates, I just become enveloped in the experience.  I nod my head to passersby; I politely bow my body to those in a higher position than I; I smile at fools and small children, and something inside me clicks.  It's like my heart settles and my mind sort of goes on autopilot.

The Ren Faire we go to is set up like a marketplace. There are a lot of shops and some stages, and games and more shops and gypsies and pirates and fairies and royalty and peasants and everything wonderful. There are bright vivid costumes, loud bustling talk as people haggle and negotiate and laugh. There are bawdy performances, there are street hockers, there are musicians wandering through the street playing their instruments.  This noisy, glorious, tumultuous experience is where I feel a deep sense of peacefulness.  I wander through the stores, glance at wares I am interested in (I got a lovely new leather bound journal for poems written by hand. The cotton paper drinks up the ink from my fountain pen, and AH got some pouches for his eventual garb. I even got a new silver barrette for my hair.)  I sit down to watch the Bold and Stupid Men show (though it is with different people, it is still amusing) and get a medallion stamped (This year's is a beautiful silver clad necklace with a claddagh on one side and the Green man on the other).  Everything put me at ease.  I felt that I belonged to this era of hand crafted books and cacophonous brilliance roaming through the streets of the dirt path that mapped out our way through the market.  It was wonderful!

We stopped by In-N-Out on the way home and I got to eat anything I wanted, as I still had all of my weekly points remaining, and I was glad that I wasn't eating the turkey legs and roasted skewered vegetables that were the fare of the faire.

We had a lovely time, and came home happy. He fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from an oveworked week, and I went to some poetry reading and spent time with great friends.  Altogether, a wonderful Sunday.

I am to bed.. It is time.

I love you all and hope that you keep safe and happy!

Tory

Episode 14: Wherein I had a Long day! :)

Lost 7 pounds even this week!! Whoo hooo!! That's a total of 10 pounds.  Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and being proud of me.  I love you all.

Will post about Ren Faire tomorrow, as I'm exhausted.

ToryLynn

Episode 13: The Post that Wasn't

My apologies to my audience that this didn't get posted last night.  I stayed up late talking to a friend and nearly fell asleep on the computer. I postponed this posting until this morning, so here I am, blurry eyed and droopy tailed saying good morning! :)  (Puck, who decided that my normal work schedule wake up call at 5:30 was exactly what I needed, says hi too!)

I am beginning to struggle.  It's not just that I forget to eat, which I have been having a problem with doing lately. I'm not actually getting to my point total that is supposed to be my minimum. I am sort of finding it difficult to remember to record what little I do eat.  My meals have been healthy, and I have been trying to create healthy choices of food around me.  My refrigerator is full of healthy vegetables and my fruit basket is nearly over-flowing (bet you didn't know I already owned a fruit basket!)  I am just not eating as much as I probably should, according to the plan.  I think my friend last night called it "weight watcher's lethargy".  I thought that was a good term.

As I head into my weigh in for week two.. and my third week of blog posts (if I do 7 more,I will have created a good habit.. and I will do one tonight, for I will have much to report), I wonder what things I can do to motivate myself to push past this lethargy barrier.    

One of my motivations is my friends and family who love me.  I have found that I have such an amazing support circle that wants me to succeed that I almost feel like I am letting them down if I don't.  I even had my sister and my brother's fiance post on my Facebook wall a reminder that I needed to blog.  I love that sort of motivation and caring from people who actually pay attention to what I do.

Another motivation, which sounds weird, is my Second Life.  My avatar in that world is thin and gorgeous, and I would love to look and move like she does.  I would love for people to perceive me in that way (though I admit, the tail and ears will have to stay in Second Life) as it gives me so much confidence to do things I would have never done in this body.  I host poetry shows, I go to writing collectives and I run a short story discussion group with a close friend of mine.  I watch my avatar do all of these things, and want the woman who lives behind the screen to be just as hot and talented as the person that I see on the screen.

My last motivation is a sudden fervor for life that I haven't felt in a long time.  I am ecstatic to be alive right now, which is something I couldn't have said a few years ago, when I was wallowing in a depression.  Today, right now, I am happy to be breathing in air, filling my lungs with oxygen and just simply existing.  Everything looks different through my eyes lately, and I am loving just being alive. The wonderment of the sunset, the way the wind blows through my willow tree outside, the friends and family who love me more than I could ever imagine- these are the things that make my life worth living.  

But for now... I'm going back to sleep :)

Thank you to all who read this, and to all who love me. Your support means more to me than anything.

ToryLynn

Episode 12: Energy

Continuing on the same strain as I was writing on yesterday, I was thinking about the childish energy of those tricycling children.  To be able to ride away with the abandon that I watched yesterday, without thought of being hurt and not a care in the world would be so exhilarating.  As I watched them ride, grins of unaware joy on their faces, I wished that I too could be young again, start off life with such enjoyable potential and have that much energy!

Energy is a problem for me.  It comes and goes, but most of the time, because of my weight, because of my hobbies and habits, I am usually on the low end of the energy spectrum.  My favorite past times include playing computer games and reading books.  I don't walk, or do much of anything physical.  My Nintendo Wii goes woefully ignored, though I could spend much time on it exercising.

I know that the equation is often, at least for physical activity, expend energy in exercise and more energy is created.  The more you move, the more you can move and the more you will move.  My body, however, does not believe in that equation.  My body feels that it must store all of the energy that it can and burn it in reading or writing or enjoying the company of others in various virtual realities.

I have tried many ways to increase my activity, and thus, my energy.  I have tried Wii Fit. I have tried Dance Dance Revolution.  I have tried Tai Chi.  None of these seem to fit very well.  To be honest, the only physical activity that seems to rejuvenate my energy levels is swimming.  To feel my body wrapped in water, weightless to the world, and move my limbs through the low resistance exercise makes me feel like one of those children on the tricycles.  It brings a smile to my face, a warm flowing feeling to my muscles, and I feel satisfied.

Unfortunately, my pool is often full of other tenants of my apartment complex, or it is just too cold outside to go swimming.

I need a new way to find energy through exercise. I know I will find one with time, but I also know that I need to start getting up and moving.  It is imperative.