Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit. It is hard. I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone. AH moved out on the first of this month. My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here. I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing. I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore. I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.
I eat healthier now. Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing). Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes. I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now. I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective. I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.
I'm not entirely lonely. If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs. Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own. But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around. I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.
Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone. I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.
I am sad for my divorce. I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this. I regret that hurt a lot. I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person. I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be. I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone. I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.
Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.
Deep in thought....