Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Episode 41: End of an Era

Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit.  It is hard.  I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone.  AH moved out on the first of this month.  My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here.  I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing.  I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore.  I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.

I eat healthier now.  Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing).  Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes.  I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now.  I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective.  I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.

I'm not entirely lonely.  If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs.  Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own.  But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around.  I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.

Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone.  I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.

I am sad for my divorce.  I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this.  I regret that hurt a lot.  I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person.  I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be.  I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone.  I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.

Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful  I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.

Deep in thought....



  1. "I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world"

    A good plan... incorporate this with the walks? Plan stops along walks and such, leave the headphones off... "Oh, are you reading that, I just read that, how do you like it so far?" best opening line ever.

    (Of course, I used that on someone reading a fire escape map, but the idea's the same.)


  2. heheh.. unfortunately, I live in a small neighborhood where everybody is reclusive and nobody leaves their house except in their vehicles. I guess I could go wander around in a bookstore and smile at people.. but.. I'm afraid "creepy" just wouldn't cover it. :)

  3. It takes a lot of courage to walk into the shadows, even if what you see in the light isn't making you happy. There's a comfort in the known. And yet, we find that as we walk into the shadows of the unknown, the light follows us. That which was known and comfortable becomes a shadowy memory, and the present becomes an adventure of discovery. Embrace the adventure: you will find new aspects of yourself along the way.

  4. Thank you, Rich. I'm glad that yours is one of the candles that helps to light my way.

  5. Divorce stinks, but you'll make it through. Be kind and loving- to others and yourself. And know that you are loved.

  6. I love you too Gina!! Thank you for being an awesome cousin and supporting me. :)


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