Thursday, December 29, 2011

Episode 50: A Review

Wow.. has it been 50 posts so far?  Ok. I admit, I have been really lax at posting for the last week or so, mostly because of my complete lack of internet connection.  I am currently sitting and soaking up the warmth, the coffee and the ambiance of Noah's bagels... and stealing their internet.  I won't get mine back until the seventh.

I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back.  I have to get back on track for a few reasons.  I may  have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong.  I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy.  I also just want to be healthier.  So, that is what I'm going to do.

When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction.  If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body.  I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!

In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life.  I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me.  I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in.  I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back.  As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.

This new year will be a new start for me.  I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year.  My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner.  I guess I just needed a catalyst.  I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well.  I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully.  These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.

Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again.  I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel.  I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.

I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.

Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new.  I hate moving.  I hate looking at the old memories.  I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself.  I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable.  I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now.  My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while.  Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.

I know that I can make it on my own.  I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be.  Life is what you make of it.  Today, I am making it my own.

Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii


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