Friday, May 4, 2012

Episode 59: Cloud Bank

There are clouds over Stockton today.  As the criminologist would say, they are heavy, black... but maybe not so pendulous.  But I can see the edges of the clouds, and I can see the blue sky just beyond that rim of moisture.  The edges of the clouds are white, and if I look up with an anchoring point, like a telephone pole or a tree, I can see this cloud bank that hangs heavily over my life beginning to shift and move away.

That is how I feel lately, like I am under a huge black cloud that threatens rain. A storm cloud seems to be hanging over me constantly.  I feel like this cloud bank has been there for years.  Rain has been coming on and off in my life, and it feels like the bleakest hour, and I have been just waiting around for the sky to open up and rain to fall on my head.  I kept myself protected, I kept myself safe, and got used to this little black storm for years.  I even felt that it was what I needed, what I deserved and eventually came to the conclusion that it was what I wanted, what was right for me.

But now, I am seeing the edge of my own little black cloud bank.  I can see the sunlight, just beyond that white line.  I don't know what waits for me beyond, in the sunlight, but I can see real true happiness coming for me in the promise of no more rain.  Not saying that there won't be the occasional storm, because everybody needs a little rain from time to time to clean out the system, but I think that my life is going to get a lot sunnier soon.

To get ready for this new, sunshine filled life I am beginning to blossom, or as one of my long distance friends says, I am beginning to make my way out of my chrysalis.  I am signing up for classes, going out of my way to meet people and sometimes talk to them.  I smile more at people, and find that if you smile at someone and give them a cheery "Good day!", they will often smile back and respond in kind.  I really really like people, and I don't feel as scared anymore.

I live in one of the most crime filled places in the United States.  We recently had, in my city, our twenty first and twenty second homicides, one where a man was gunned down in the streets.  We have a horrible reputation, and cities that surround us often try to avoid us.  But I don't see that violence, I don't see that crime. I look in people's faces and often see potential for some sort of good in the world, some sort of happiness.  I hope I never have to lose that outlook.  Our news programs and media often highlight the violence, the terror, the fear and the hate that goes on around us, because fear is a real emotion that we all can experience.  By bringing these awful horrible things to the front of everybody's mind, they create fear and the masses don't realize that they are being emotionally manipulated to stay inside, lock up their children, keep them indoors watching more media, more fear, more hate.  It is very rare to see the sunlight in the news anymore, in the world anymore because all we see is the dark storm clouds overhead, and don't look for the edge where everything is going to be better, if we just look up and see that the storm clouds are moving away from us.

Smile at someone today, and say "Good Day" to them. See if they don't smile back.  It makes a world of difference to someone, sometimes.

Love and lollipops,


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