Monday, September 23, 2013

Episode 83: Back at Square One

Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again.  I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body.  But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.

~~end emo rant~~~

OK, so I have backslid.  That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again.  I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been.  The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms.  This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on.  If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.

I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it.  This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out.  So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.

Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!

Love and Lollipops,


1 comment:

  1. When the walls of the pit look unclimbable, remember your name: Victoria. Victory. You are success incarnate. Claim it. Own it. Never doubt it.

    Some have tried to hold you pack in the past. Look at them with fresh eyes. Are they successful, happy people? Or did they fill your mind with doubt to have company in their own despair?

    You've shed those people from your life, so shed any doubts they tried to seed. You're Nike. Fly toward the cheers of adoration. Winning is who you are. Be it.


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