I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something. I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all. I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless. I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.
On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over. I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital. I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.
Fear plays a big role in my life. I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again. When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then. I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel. In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight. Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.
I start at the end of this week. More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling. I need to get back into the habit of this again too. It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me. I can do it this time. Time for the next round. Fight the fear!
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