Thursday, December 23, 2021

Tabula Rasa

 I've been doing a lot of bellybutton gazing lately, much contemplation. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, I have not been kind lately- either to myself or to the people who I care about. 

The beginning of a new year is often a time to restart and refresh. You get a do-over, so that's what I'm giving myself.  I originally was going to title this post "Mea Culpa" and write a long rant about how I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain that I have caused recently to my husband and to a dear friend of mine, but that would just be me throwing myself around and creating drama again- and I don't need to do that anymore.

So, it's time to wipe the slate clean. I have been a bad human. (I can't help but hear some sort of cosmic deity pointing a finger down at me saying "Bad human, bad! No treats for you!" and I deserve that.) I need to get better and move forwards to be the best me I can be. I will listen to people who care about me. I will take care of my physical self as well as my mental and emotional self. I am better than what I have been.

I wish you, my dear readers, only the best in the world. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2021


My dearest Void.

My void. 


You are a hole so deep. 

There is a hole so deep in me, missing something, feeling that something isn't there. I have - in the past - filled it with lust, and flirtation and hurting others. I never mean to hurt others. In fact, I want to be full of love (not in that way, you perverts...) I want to wrap myself in flannel and warm arms and feel connected again. I think I'm mostly disgusted with myself lately. I have not been taking good care of my world. The pandemic absolutely destroyed my body, and maybe some of my mind. I'm quicker to anger. Probably not healthy.

I had a roommate a long time ago who said I was angry at the world, and I had to learn to deal with that anger. I'm not good at dealing with my anger. I never have been. I'm angry at the world because... well... because of a lot of things. Because I have always felt abandoned maybe?  I try not to abandon people or things. When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I tend to follow through. If I say that I'm going to be there for a person, I will try everything I can to be there. There have been many people in my life who have not treated me the same way. On the other hand, I haven't exactly been fair to everybody in my life either. I guess - in the end- we all hurt someone, whether we mean to or not. 

There is a void in my life where a friend belongs. I lost most of my friends with the divorce. I admit, I pushed people away to focus on the love that was coming in to my life, but most of the friends that I did have at that time were friends of the EX, so when I left the ex for - well, let's say fairer horizons - they went with him. In the ten years since, things have been alright, actually. The ex found a new wife, I found a new husband. The leaving part was inevitable in the relationship with the ex, and with the leaving comes the hurt. 

I had a friend once. I romanticized this friend and maybe I expected too much of them. I have spent time recently thinking about my old friends, people I used to see all the time, people who remember the better me -- not this sick broken down old woman that I've become who weighs way too much and is absolutely broken -- but the young vibrant young woman I used to be.

Body dysmorphia is where your inner vision of yourself does not match up with the outside reality. I have it pretty bad. In my head, I am that youthful, slender, capable woman. I can totally kick butt and take names. I can love hard and lust even harder and everybody wants me. That image of myself in my head gives me confidence that I don't honestly have. When I am faced with the reality of who I am, that image in my head gets in the way and tells me that I am unworthy because I am not her. I am lazy and unworthy and I will never have the friends in my life who will respect me for who I am because I am not that beautiful person that I am in my head. 

I reached out to my friend this week. I reached out because maybe, the vision in my head is the same vision as the one in his head, because he knew me when I wasn't broken. I can't really keep this friend the way I want to without hurting someone, whether it is myself or him or my AM. It hurts me that I have to hurt someone- again. 

Feeling drained-


Thursday, September 2, 2021

Trying this again...Ten Years Later

 I started this blog about 10 years ago to deal with a health issue that surprised me.  That health issue didn't go away.  I had some really serious chest pain, and it scared the hell out of me. 

Ten years later, I am dealing with different ailments. My heart seems to be fine.  My lungs hate me, but I live in the San Joaquin Valley of California, which means that everybody's lungs hate them. I have lymphedema in my legs and feet, which makes me feel like a very swelled up monster.      I got a walker so that I could start walking and getting back in to society now that society seems to be a place to get back in to. I did not get COVID (as far as I'm aware). I am still scared to get COVID. I am vaccinated. I hate that there are people in my family who are not vaccinated when they can be. I wish they would get vaccinated so that I don't have to worry about them dying. 

I need to eat better and have considered changing to a vegetarian diet. My love of cheese and ice cream keep me from going vegan. 

Mentally, I have little focus - you can probably tell by my rambling - but I need to get more focused. During the pandemic I finished my Master's degree in Creative Writing and Literature for Educators. Now I teach 5 sections of Creative Writing. I wish I could get my students more interested in writing and telling their own stories. 

Romantically, everything is going great. My Awesome Musician has become my Awesome Husband. He is my rock, and my reason for not jumping off a bridge somewhere.  He keeps me mostly sane, kisses my boo-boos and tries to motivate me to be a better person. (He doesn't even yell at me when I order ice cream I shouldn't have). 

The last ten years have been kind of a whirlwind of so much stuff going on in our lives. I want to keep things going, and I want to get back to a place where I feel complete again. Maybe starting a blog will be a good start... again.


Weighing in on: Division in our country

 I know that I started this as a weight loss/health blog, but I think it's just going to become my blog. Just me and my random-ass thoug...