Tuesday, December 7, 2021


My dearest Void.

My void. 


You are a hole so deep. 

There is a hole so deep in me, missing something, feeling that something isn't there. I have - in the past - filled it with lust, and flirtation and hurting others. I never mean to hurt others. In fact, I want to be full of love (not in that way, you perverts...) I want to wrap myself in flannel and warm arms and feel connected again. I think I'm mostly disgusted with myself lately. I have not been taking good care of my world. The pandemic absolutely destroyed my body, and maybe some of my mind. I'm quicker to anger. Probably not healthy.

I had a roommate a long time ago who said I was angry at the world, and I had to learn to deal with that anger. I'm not good at dealing with my anger. I never have been. I'm angry at the world because... well... because of a lot of things. Because I have always felt abandoned maybe?  I try not to abandon people or things. When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I tend to follow through. If I say that I'm going to be there for a person, I will try everything I can to be there. There have been many people in my life who have not treated me the same way. On the other hand, I haven't exactly been fair to everybody in my life either. I guess - in the end- we all hurt someone, whether we mean to or not. 

There is a void in my life where a friend belongs. I lost most of my friends with the divorce. I admit, I pushed people away to focus on the love that was coming in to my life, but most of the friends that I did have at that time were friends of the EX, so when I left the ex for - well, let's say fairer horizons - they went with him. In the ten years since, things have been alright, actually. The ex found a new wife, I found a new husband. The leaving part was inevitable in the relationship with the ex, and with the leaving comes the hurt. 

I had a friend once. I romanticized this friend and maybe I expected too much of them. I have spent time recently thinking about my old friends, people I used to see all the time, people who remember the better me -- not this sick broken down old woman that I've become who weighs way too much and is absolutely broken -- but the young vibrant young woman I used to be.

Body dysmorphia is where your inner vision of yourself does not match up with the outside reality. I have it pretty bad. In my head, I am that youthful, slender, capable woman. I can totally kick butt and take names. I can love hard and lust even harder and everybody wants me. That image of myself in my head gives me confidence that I don't honestly have. When I am faced with the reality of who I am, that image in my head gets in the way and tells me that I am unworthy because I am not her. I am lazy and unworthy and I will never have the friends in my life who will respect me for who I am because I am not that beautiful person that I am in my head. 

I reached out to my friend this week. I reached out because maybe, the vision in my head is the same vision as the one in his head, because he knew me when I wasn't broken. I can't really keep this friend the way I want to without hurting someone, whether it is myself or him or my AM. It hurts me that I have to hurt someone- again. 

Feeling drained-


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