Weighing in on: Division in our country

 I know that I started this as a weight loss/health blog, but I think it's just going to become my blog. Just me and my random-ass thoughts that I want to put out there.  Maybe you, dear reader, will agree with them. Maybe you won't. I try not to judge. (There are enough people in the world to do that for me, thank you.)

So, I recently had what was probably food poisoning, but it kept me at home for the last three days, making sure I didn't get too far from the bathroom.  I seem to be recovering. (I lost 13 pounds this week, but will probably get it back when I stop shitting my brains out...Hey! I need those brains!!)

What brought me here, drear reader, is that in my ick addled phase, I didn't want to think very hard, so I turned on a movie that I used to use to teach genocide and the Holocaust: Hotel Rwanda.  I haven't seen it in years, but when I was finished watching it, I was sobbing at the end - and not for all the dead Rwandans, although that was sad as well. 

(Side note: Do you ever get that feeling that everything is just kind of better if you've had a good cry.  Sometimes I put on REALLY sad movies just to make myself cry. I love those movies, and I do have a good cry, and then I feel a bit emotionally better.  Yeah... Catharsis. Love that.... anyway, back to the show).

So, if you haven't seen Hotel Rwanda, here's the plot in a very small nutshell. Rwanda is in political turmoil, some political mucky muck dies, a band of one group of people blame another group of people and decide to kill everybody who they think is responsible because of... some arbitrary bullshit thing that a  group of white Europeans put on them. As this band of people goes around trying to kill everybody (thus the genocide bits), one brave dude is like "not in my hotel" and sort of accidentally ends up turning a hotel into a refugee camp, which gets attacked and threatened and nearly loses his family and his life and... lots of people die. In the end, enough of his guests are important (read: rich) enough to call in some favors and get the UN to help them out. Lots of people die, but hotel dude saves like.. a bit over 1000 people or so. (Kinda like African Schindler's list in the 90's).

Now, that's all sad and stuff. People die. They show a lot of dead people. They show bands of people with machetes and machine guns just murdering swaths of people. It's awful. But that's not the part that got me right in the feels the hardest.

There is a scene where Joaquin Phoenix (as this American camera man) is hitting on one of the young women at a bar, and he asks them which group they belong to. They admit to being on opposites sides (but still friends.. yay!) JP comments that "they could be twins", and that's where I kind of got all chilled up weepy... and scared. Mostly because I see so many parallels to our current political situation and that scares me.

Because- Democrats look just like Republicans. Like the Civil War in the 1860's, people take up arms to  fight against brothers and sisters, cousins and parents, because of a stupid belief, and I worry so much that someone on the internet may just put out the call to "Cut down the tall trees" like they did in Rwanda to signal the time to kill, and then that will be that and we will have blood on our streets again.

No matter what side you are on of the political debate, you have to admit that the internet and everything is kind of making things crazy, and there are people on completely opposite sides of the political spectrum who look like normal people, but when they open their mouth the crazy just pours out.  And that's scary, because on the fringes of "normal people" who are just trying to make a living and get by, are the crazies, and it was the crazies in Rwanda who started taking over and killing people, who took up machetes and machine guns. What's to stop them from doing that here? 

I know, there are a lot of fail-safes and systems in place here to stop that from happening. National Guard, military, normal sane people. But it's still scary when you start seeing the little bits of common sense that you thought people have just sort of leaking away.

Do have I have solution? No. Just fear.  And hope. And hope is stronger. 

We must learn from the past.

Back on the Wagon

 I'm working on getting back on track with my life.  I feel like everything has been so hectic since 2020, and the pandemic and everything else that has just gone crazy in my. life.

I haven't really been trying since 2015, which is when I got the kittens, so I am 8 years behind, and two cats short. Jellybean is still awesome, and sends her love.

So, here's me, trying to get back on track, limiting myself to between 1200 and 1500 calories. I didn't lose any weight last week, but that's okay.  I've been eating a 110 calorie drumstick ice cream every day, so I'm not trying too hard yet.  The ice creams will be gone soon, and I'm not buying any more. I have been eating a lot of sunflower seeds. 

The reason for this change is that I got approved for weight-loss surgery.  I want to try to do this on my own though without starving myself or feeling awful, so I'm trying to do it this way.  I should go to the gym more often, but with the heat and getting heat sickness, I haven't been full of energy enough to go to the gym. I need to fix that.

Anyway, life is life. I'm still working on getting lesson plans done so I'm not working on them the morning of, and grading and getting by.

Hope everything is great with all of you.

T

What I've been going through- lots of gross Lady Stuff :)

 It's been a while since I've updated. I've been sick. I was lucky that I had Thanksgiving Break off, and the last two weeks have been... not fun. Incredibly not fun. (warning, there is gross stuff.)

About two months ago, I switched my birth control to Depo. I'm officially done with that! I have, in my past, always had really really bad migraines that come with my cycle. Like.. debilitatingly bad, lay in bed with no lights on and stop existing for the day bad migraines. Sometime in February, they took me off of my estrogen based pills because of fear of blood clots, so I hadn't been on anything for a while. Cue migraines.

In October, I contacted my doctor to see if there was an alternative, so I wouldn't have to worry about the migraines. Depo was suggested. I thought.. 1 shot every three months, and no more periods and no more migraines. Sign me up! I wasn't planning on having kids anyway. So, there I was, October 7th, peeing into a cup and getting a shot. This was going to solve everything, right?

WRONG!

November 18th, I start having back cramps. I know it's coming. I expect my normal cycle.. 2-3 days. Friday, the 19th, not bad, kinda normal. A bit crampy and headachy, but I make it through the day. We have a week off, I can make it through one day of school. 

It really really hit on the 21st, that something might be a little bit... off. Really bad cramps throughout my whole body, mostly centered in my back and abdomen. I start passing little clots of blood, and going through a pad an hour or so. Ok, maybe this is just heavy because it's the last one for a while. I make it through Thanksgiving with a few really bad cramps (AM has been amazing in holding my hand and letting me squeeze until his fingers hurt). I can do this.

I rest on Friday and Saturday, do my normal lesson planning on Sunday. We're going into the last three weeks of school. I'm excited. I have really great plans for the last few weeks. We're going to focus on audience for writing, and we're going to be amazing. I go to school on Monday, and while I don't move around the classroom much, there is movement involved in teaching and being at school in general (the bathrooms are not ten feet away like they are at home), and I learn the more I move the worse it gets. I bleed through everything. It's awful. I called the nurse line, they tell me to call if it gets worse. They schedule another Depo shot for Wednesday morning. I take Tuesday off, and the clots are getting worse.. like.. dime sized. (SOOO GROSS... but still not as bad as it's going to get.)

By Wednesday, I'm resting and things seem to be going okay. I think I can make it back to school, so I decide to go in on Thursday. Thursdays are minimum days. Surely I can make it through one minimum day. I miss my students!

Thursday reminded me of how much I love teaching and how much I love my students. We had a fun day talking about dialects, learning some new vocabulary. My fourth period class was quite lively as we discussed regionalisms in dialect and dialogue.  But all of that moving around reminded me of why I shouldn't have moved around. 

Thursday night and it all gets worse. The cramping, the clotting. They've gone from dimes to quarters. Every time I move, I can feel something falling out of me. I hold out hope that I can make it on Monday to school, but when I end up in the bathroom Sunday night literally passing chunks of my endometrial lining in a way that I can feel them sliding out of me. I wake up and can feel them lodged in my vagina, waiting to be pushed out. (I warned you, it's gross)- I know I'm not going to make it. 

I call in Monday, call the doctor's office and get an actual physical appointment for Monday afternoon. I finally get to see a real doctor. I talk to him, and now it's suddenly urgent. They do a(n incredibly painful) endometrial biopsy and I have to get tested for iron deficiency, and they send me to the pharmacy for new hormones and an iron supplement. I hate sitting in the Kaiser pharmacy. Test results pushed through fast and I'm anemic, though not bad enough that I have to go and get a transfusion. Other numbers are off as well. I am told to take the rest of the week off and rest.

Now it's Sunday. I plan on going back to school tomorrow, but not moving much. Because of the weakness and the tiredness, I haven't done much grading or school work, and we only have a week left of the semester. I'm probably going to be grading and lesson planning through break, but when life throws wrenches at you, you have to find alternate means, I guess. Because of the anemia, I wear out fast and have been eating a lot of beef - steak, triple cheeseburgers, beef tamales, beef tacos.  I should probably add some more vegetables to that, and AM has been great making sure I get squash and zucchini and lots of vitamins. 

The results so far: it's been 24 days. I'm still bleeding, but not hemorrhaging anymore. I'm on at least three new medications for the foreseeable future, and I have a week left with this set of kids. I am going to be at school for this entire week. I know I can do this. I may move a little slower, and take a little more time, but I want to be there for my students. I miss them, and this is my last week with this batch. 

I started off this school year with two weeks out for COVID and end the term with two weeks out for anemia. This has not been a healthy semester. Here's hoping to a much healthier 2023.

Tory :)

My Schedule-- Where do I find the time?

 I have been... lectured lately on my "priorities".  My husband asked me to pick three things in my life that I have to consider my "priorities", things that I should work on to make my life more fulfilling.

These are the three that I came up with:

1. My job

2. My health

3. Writing

I feel bad that he's not in there, but he asked me to pick three. 

I try to reflect this on the way I spend my time...

I wake up at 5am.

After morning human time, I should compress from 5:30-6:30. Compression involves putting on a huge pair of blue space bants, hooking myself up to a machine and sitting still for an hour while my legs are pumped to move around fluids that have built up due to illness and heart problems.

I said should. I usually end up journalling and eating breakfast.

• 6:30-7:00 I get ready for work. Dress myself and all of that fun stuff.
• 7 to 7:30, maybe pick up breakfast or make myself something fast that I can eat in the car and get to work. Otherwise, just drive to work.
• 7:30-8:30- Prep for my day.
• 8:30-11:45- Teach
• 11:45-2- Lunch and Prep, which is mostly grading and making handouts and meetings and other fun teacher stuff.
• 2-3:35- Teach some more.
• 3:35-4ish- Clean up my classroom and sometimes talk to other teachers who stop by. (less of this since they moved me away from the other teachers).
• 4-5, run errands.
• 5-6:30: Make and eat dinner. If it's not my turn, I'll do some reading.
• 6:30-7:30 Write or crochet, whatever creative endeavors my brain is working on.
• 7:30-8:30- Compress... again. More sitting still. Mostly I read or watch TV. My current watch is Mythic Quest or Reboot. Both cute shows.
• 8:30-9:30- Get ready for bed, shower, self care.
• 9:30- bed. 

My doctor and my husband want me to find at least 30-60 minutes a day for cardio activity and some time for strength training.

Where?

Teacher Sick (Warning: Naughty words rant)

 We started Thanksgiving Break on Friday afternoon. I spent Thursday night, some of Friday, some of Saturday and ALL DAY SUNDAY in SO MUCH PAIN! My period, which shows up now about once every three months, showed up with the fucking cavalry, and I want to curl up into a tiny ball and make all of the world just fuck off right now. It's gross, it's painful, I don't like it. One of my good friends is - unfortunately - having a hysterectomy because of reasons, and right now I am so fucking envious of her.

On top of that, and the reason for today's post, I have something akin to a cold, or something. It started Friday night. Now, this is something I'm used to. Nearly every break, I spend the first few days sick. (Yes, I am wishing that Thanksgiving Break was longer.) I'll be fine after a few days, but it almost always happens. 

According to WebMD, I have what is called "leisure sickness."  It's where you have a job that is so stressful that you build up this strange immunity and "put off" being sick until your body can handle being sick, which is when you're "not stressed".  I guess it's like if I am going to have a cold, or the flu or something like that (or, I guess, my period) my body realizes that I am too stressed out to deal with that illness right now and instead files it away for "later" when I'm not as stressed out.  And later comes during holiday breaks. 

Apparently this can happen for emotional distress too, I think. I can deal with emotional stress and not get emotional about it.. until I'm on break. So I not only spend my first few days of nearly every vacation in a ball of pain and phlegm (pretty picture, I know), but I'm also a crying, emotionally wrecked ball of phlegm. So much fun.

Fortunately, Thanksgiving isn't until Thursday. I should be done with all of this (hopefully) by tomorrow and be able to make wonderful pies for my family for Thanksgiving as well as some broccoli in brown butter with cotija (because I can't find mizithra cheese anywhere). 

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm going to go drink a Monster, write five thousand words and crochet until all the stress leaves my body.

Yay!

Witchy Autumn Nights

 The spooky season is upon us. I'm so excited. This is the season where I feel the most powerful.  It's the season I'm most likely to believe in magic and do magic and be magic. It makes me feel amazing. It makes me feel alive.

Maybe I'll write some spells or spell like poems.  I've considered learning how to kitchen witch for my own health as well as my own energy. I think it might help, but I will need to do research on some of the healthier vegetables and what to put in my cauldron.  I have a cauldron... it's adorable.  It was a present from my father-in-law, and AM says that it is proof that my father-in-law likes me better than him. I think I got it because I asked for it.

My cauldron is pumpkin shaped; a cast iron enameled pumpkin in orange. It was a toss up between orange and black, but I decided I want an orange one. It's made by Staub, and the perfect size for my stovetop to sit there, but it is heavy. so moving it from the stove to the sink is difficult.  I don't use it enough because it is difficult to clean, but I love it, and it helps me feel that autumn powerful witchy vibe. The lid makes a delicious scraping noise when I take it off to check if it is bubbling and boiling and toiling. 

I've already changed my journal over to my spooky season notebook, which is a gorgeous black wrap from GameTee (love those girls!) that I have a Kanso Noto notebook from JetPens in.  My pen and ink of choice right now is my Parker Sonnet with Diamine Black Ivy.  I even made a custom bookmark for the journal out of a skull and an anatomically correct heart charm. I joke that the heart was stolen from a fairy- but I would never do that. 

What I don't have, and I am hoping to set up this Fall Break, is an altar.  It's been so long since I've practiced that I have no idea what to put on an altar anymore or how to set one up.  Based on the limited space in my apartment, I think I may have to make it one that I can break down and put up when I want to cast with maybe something I put on the windowsill for protection all of the time.  I'm not sure.  My room is very small, but my desk is very big, but with all of my Horizontal Surface disorder... well... It's messy.

What I look forward to the most is my Autumn dreams. I climb into my warm flannel sheets and it's like being wrapped in warm fuzzy arms of protection, and then I dream of comfort. My dream self is ... much smaller than I am around the waist, and tucks perfectly in the comfortable shoulder and arm of a certain someone. We sit, sip chocolate and read books together and I am happy. The only thing I don't like is waking up, to find myself most often alone, wrapped around my huge stuffed shark. While I appreciate my shark, he's not really what I want to be holding on to. So, I spent the rest of my day sort of sleep walking, wanting to fall into the comfort of my dreams.

Here's to the conjuring season. May you find the comfort and love that you are looking for. The veil grows thin.

Lighthouse Keeper

  Lately, I've been thinking about this poem that was written back in college, not by me, but by a good friend of mine, Jaye. I'm going to put it here in its entirety because it matters to know what it's about, and it's good words. (formatting is mine)

I am the Lighthouse Keeper.

I live in the Lighthouse, 

Cold, Alone and Waiting

Waiting for the ships to return.

I am the only one left who remembers

when those ships were in port.

One by one they left

Different destinations

But all away from here

Here I stay Here I stand Waiting

I have the list of the names of those ships

I kept tabs on their destinations

I am proud of those boats

I am proud of their journeys

Some traveled across the sevens seas

And carry the circus to towns

One is now private and hosts parties for

the best of Broadway

Some now show other boats 

how to move

Some still wander searching what to do

Some have been updated

Some have been destroyed

I swear one day they'll all come back

That's why I can not leave

For some one must be here

To make sure they're safe,

they're happy, they're proud

For although this boat doesn't leave

and this boat is now rusted

And all the others don't stop moving

And never get rust

I love each and every one

And I will wait for them

right here

For some are destined for greatness

Some find it by chance

Some help others make it

And one must stay behind

One must keep the light on 

So the others can find their way home

So they can come back

enjoy their time together

remember old times

catch up on what's been happening

And hopefully they won't stay

"That poor guy, stuck here all this time,

all these years"

Hopefully they'll thank me

for keeping the lighthouse on.

For I am the Lighthouse Keeper

I've been thinking a lot about this poem lately, which was written probably close to twenty years ago.  

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I've been in my profession for 20 years. I've been working as an English teacher at Stagg High School for 19 years. I have watched people come and go my entire life, and here I sit, hanging on, hoping others will come back to me someday, just to say hi.

I'm not a favorite teacher very often, but I know that I'm liked. I had a student today tell me that I'm his favorite teacher because I try to relate to my students. I said thank you, and he laughed and said "No, I'm really serious. Like-- you try to listen to us!", and I can't imagine being a teacher who doesn't listen to their students and let them talk to you. But, I am here - being a teacher. 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I am here in Stockton, and I don't see me really going anywhere. In spite of the moniker of "Most Miserable City" (Thanks Forbes), and "Murder Capitol" (which I don't think we are) I love my city. I love its diversity. The diversity of the people, the diversity of the opinions, but especially the diversity in restaurants. I can go 4 blocks in any direction from where I am and find Indian food, a few sushi places, a poke salad place, a few Italian restaurants, a decent(ish) diner, a mom and pop hot dog store and even a Panera.  On my drive home from work there is quite a diversity of food - even if I need to cook at home more often.

I've been here in this apartment for the last ten years. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life, but I've (almost) always lived in Stockton, and the neighborhood I'm in now is wonderful. Maybe not the quietest all the time, but a good apartment, the people are friendly and the noisiest it gets is around the 4th of July. The walk around the complex is a quarter mile track, the leaves are just beginning to turn brown and the sparse lawn between the buildings 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I feel like the Lighthouse Keeper of the poem, I have watched everybody move away and wander to find their destiny. My students, my friends, my lovers. They all go off to find their fortune in the world, and I watch them, and wish for the best for them in everything, hoping that once in a while they look back with fondness on me and maybe think to say "Hi" once in a while, knowing that I think of them fondly. 

Sick Day

 I love Autumn. I love the crisp air, the sound when the wind sussurrates through the trees, and the light is grey from the clouds. It makes me think of flannel sheets, glowing screens and comfort. It has been a beautiful day.  I took a sick day today to catch up on my grading and catch up on my mental health. The weekend just wasn't enough.

I always feel guilty when I take Mondays off, mostly because I think it makes me look lazy, like I'm trying to get a vacation or a three day weekend, but this one was the culmination of too many vegetables - and the resulting upset stomach - and stress. Since I got COVID, my life has been nothing but stress lately: stress because of procrastination; stress because I am just still so tired all the time; stress because I'm me, and I'm not taking care of myself.

Something is motivating me this week, and I hope that I can hold on to this feeling. It felt like something clicked into place. I started journalling again. It feels good to write in my journal again. It's good for my mental health to find a place. One of my students said to me this week "I haven't been using the Word of the Day, Ms. M. I've just been writing to myself, and it really seemed to help!"  I was so proud of him. Writing can be cathartic, and it's good to see that at least something is getting through to some of my students. 

I have two weeks until Fall Break, and then I can relax. I am hoping that I can relax with all of my grades done so that I can sit at Panera, drinking free coffee, writing and planning out this year's novel. It will be so good for my health. (Panera is my favorite third space!) I like to go in the morning when it's cool so that I can write while my husband is still asleep. (He usually doesn't wake up before 10.) I'm trying to write a romance this year- something I really haven't tried in a long time, but many say I would be pretty good at. I'm excited. The idea affords some research and a lot of imagination, but I'm excited.

Two more weeks... I can't wait to get to my writing life again. :)

Working while sick

 From the top of my esophagus to the bottom of my ribs, my entire body aches. This dry cough and sore throat have wracked my body now for over a month, causing my head to ache,  my muscles to tire and my head to go all swimmy every time I cough.  Recovering from COVID sucks.

This cough isn't unusual for me, however.  It is a cough that I have lived with every winter as the air gets chillier and the temperatures head into the 30s (that's -1 to anybody who isn't in America). Seven years ago, coming home from New Jersey, I developed pneumonia that required a fun regiment of medicines and a week of bedrest. Ever since then, I have spent every winter racking my lungs with harsh coughs that hurts everything and makes me tired and weak. My worst month is January, but the coughs will continue through to March. I have developed a taste for Fisherman's Friend cough drops- pure menthol that soothes the beast that is my lungs.

And yet, here I am, still sitting at my desk at school teaching. I can't take the time off that I would need in order to make myself better because I have only 11 school days in the year that I can take off as sick days and ten COVID days paid for by the state. I've taken 6 COVID days and was docked pay because the government only covers so much per day, and apparently I make more than that.

 When I do take sick days,  I take them for physical illness as well as mental illness. If I was to stay home during the entirety of my coughing days, I would lose all of my sick days and then some. And that then some is the problem. Any days that I take beyond those 11 days I have to pay for out of my own salary to help cover the costs of my substitute teacher. I get "docked" those days essentially.  So, instead of staying home and fully recovering and making myself better by being home, I come to school, and I sit at my desk, and I teach, and I cough... and I cough.... and I cough. 

I'm fortunate to be in an industry that allows me paid days off. If I was in the service industry or if I was perhaps a retail worker, I wouldn't have the option of taking a day off and still getting compensated for that, and living in California - probably one of the most expensive States- means that every penny is important and accounted for.  If I worked in a job that didn't afford me the sick days, I would not be able to afford life. I would have to think of something that I could let go of in order to take the day off, or I would have to work sick.

 A quick Google search for "Sickness and productivity" shows many results that talk about the affect of working while sick, and most of them say that you are definitely not going to be at 100% when you are working. There are also results about how to tell your boss that you're sick, and what to do if your boss refuses to let you stay home from work, which is a sad state of affairs. Businesses that care more for capital rather than people have become the standard.  

Unless the system changes and we can take care of ourselves rather than sacrifice ourselves to the mighty god that we call Commerce, we will continue to work while we are sick and continue to spread diseases.

My scariest health scare in a while...

Physically and mentally I have had a really hard time lately. In June or July, my doctor took me off of my blood pressure medication.  My body and my brain have been going through an absolute mess ever since.

The blood pressure medication was discontinued because of an allergy. My face started swelling up. This probably started in 2019, and was mostly just the left side of my face on my jaw. There would be a strange feeling, then a lump, then a little bit of swelling. I finally broke down around January or February of 2020 and finally went to the urgent care doctor that could see me and they diagnosed me with a blocked salivary gland. Try to eat less sodium-- and hey, while you're at it, work on losing some weight. To help activate the salivary glands, why not suck on some hard candies. 

The swelling continued, without any explanation, and sometimes it got into my throat, which would construct as if I had tonsillitis or something. We were told that it was a food allergy, so let's do an allergy diet. Constrict a food, see if that helps. I got rid of cinnamon and mangos and watermelon and lettuce and a few others that I honestly can't remember.  I introduced them back in to no reaction, so continued to eat them. 

I tried that, and for a while, it seemed to work a little bit. Then, sometime during the pandemic, I would guess winter of 2020, I had a major episode. My face started to swell, but this time, it wasn't just my face, but my throat completely closed off as well. I stopped being able to breathe through my mouth. I couldn't breathe if I was laying down. I could sit up with a TON of pillows behind me and my CPAP machine on and sort of breathe that way, but if I laid down at all, everything was completely constricted. Because of the pandemic, the thought of going to the emergency room by myself caused a severe anxiety attack, so I waited it out. The swelling went down, but I decided I was done with this.

I contacted my doctor again, wondering if this could be some kind of autoimmune disease or something strange, and she sent me in for tests.  Nothing too exciting came back. I had some elevated things and some low things. Then on January 20th, Inauguration Day, I woke up at midnight to the itching and swelling -- again.  I posted a picture to my Facebook, joking about how my face was so proud that Biden was President it had swelled right up.

Ultimately, we found out that it was an allergy to a medication. I stopped taking the medication and almost immediately lost 25 pounds.  I found most of it again, since I'm not moving as much as I should, and also because of all of the testing and medical stuff found out that I have some tumors on my hip, arthritis in my back and lymphedema in my legs. 

I don't make resolutions. I'm bad at keeping them, as most people are, so I'm going to leave this here to think about and to encourage myself and others to take better care of themselves. I'm tired of being scared. 

Tabula Rasa

 I've been doing a lot of bellybutton gazing lately, much contemplation. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, I have not been kind lately- either to myself or to the people who I care about. 

The beginning of a new year is often a time to restart and refresh. You get a do-over, so that's what I'm giving myself.  I originally was going to title this post "Mea Culpa" and write a long rant about how I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain that I have caused recently to my husband and to a dear friend of mine, but that would just be me throwing myself around and creating drama again- and I don't need to do that anymore.

So, it's time to wipe the slate clean. I have been a bad human. (I can't help but hear some sort of cosmic deity pointing a finger down at me saying "Bad human, bad! No treats for you!" and I deserve that.) I need to get better and move forwards to be the best me I can be. I will listen to people who care about me. I will take care of my physical self as well as my mental and emotional self. I am better than what I have been.

I wish you, my dear readers, only the best in the world. 

Empty

My dearest Void.

My void. 

Void- 

You are a hole so deep. 

There is a hole so deep in me, missing something, feeling that something isn't there. I have - in the past - filled it with lust, and flirtation and hurting others. I never mean to hurt others. In fact, I want to be full of love (not in that way, you perverts...) I want to wrap myself in flannel and warm arms and feel connected again. I think I'm mostly disgusted with myself lately. I have not been taking good care of my world. The pandemic absolutely destroyed my body, and maybe some of my mind. I'm quicker to anger. Probably not healthy.

I had a roommate a long time ago who said I was angry at the world, and I had to learn to deal with that anger. I'm not good at dealing with my anger. I never have been. I'm angry at the world because... well... because of a lot of things. Because I have always felt abandoned maybe?  I try not to abandon people or things. When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I tend to follow through. If I say that I'm going to be there for a person, I will try everything I can to be there. There have been many people in my life who have not treated me the same way. On the other hand, I haven't exactly been fair to everybody in my life either. I guess - in the end- we all hurt someone, whether we mean to or not. 

There is a void in my life where a friend belongs. I lost most of my friends with the divorce. I admit, I pushed people away to focus on the love that was coming in to my life, but most of the friends that I did have at that time were friends of the EX, so when I left the ex for - well, let's say fairer horizons - they went with him. In the ten years since, things have been alright, actually. The ex found a new wife, I found a new husband. The leaving part was inevitable in the relationship with the ex, and with the leaving comes the hurt. 

I had a friend once. I romanticized this friend and maybe I expected too much of them. I have spent time recently thinking about my old friends, people I used to see all the time, people who remember the better me -- not this sick broken down old woman that I've become who weighs way too much and is absolutely broken -- but the young vibrant young woman I used to be.

Body dysmorphia is where your inner vision of yourself does not match up with the outside reality. I have it pretty bad. In my head, I am that youthful, slender, capable woman. I can totally kick butt and take names. I can love hard and lust even harder and everybody wants me. That image of myself in my head gives me confidence that I don't honestly have. When I am faced with the reality of who I am, that image in my head gets in the way and tells me that I am unworthy because I am not her. I am lazy and unworthy and I will never have the friends in my life who will respect me for who I am because I am not that beautiful person that I am in my head. 

I reached out to my friend this week. I reached out because maybe, the vision in my head is the same vision as the one in his head, because he knew me when I wasn't broken. I can't really keep this friend the way I want to without hurting someone, whether it is myself or him or my AM. It hurts me that I have to hurt someone- again. 

Feeling drained-

ToryLynn

Trying this again...Ten Years Later

 I started this blog about 10 years ago to deal with a health issue that surprised me.  That health issue didn't go away.  I had some really serious chest pain, and it scared the hell out of me. 

Ten years later, I am dealing with different ailments. My heart seems to be fine.  My lungs hate me, but I live in the San Joaquin Valley of California, which means that everybody's lungs hate them. I have lymphedema in my legs and feet, which makes me feel like a very swelled up monster.      I got a walker so that I could start walking and getting back in to society now that society seems to be a place to get back in to. I did not get COVID (as far as I'm aware). I am still scared to get COVID. I am vaccinated. I hate that there are people in my family who are not vaccinated when they can be. I wish they would get vaccinated so that I don't have to worry about them dying. 

I need to eat better and have considered changing to a vegetarian diet. My love of cheese and ice cream keep me from going vegan. 

Mentally, I have little focus - you can probably tell by my rambling - but I need to get more focused. During the pandemic I finished my Master's degree in Creative Writing and Literature for Educators. Now I teach 5 sections of Creative Writing. I wish I could get my students more interested in writing and telling their own stories. 

Romantically, everything is going great. My Awesome Musician has become my Awesome Husband. He is my rock, and my reason for not jumping off a bridge somewhere.  He keeps me mostly sane, kisses my boo-boos and tries to motivate me to be a better person. (He doesn't even yell at me when I order ice cream I shouldn't have). 

The last ten years have been kind of a whirlwind of so much stuff going on in our lives. I want to keep things going, and I want to get back to a place where I feel complete again. Maybe starting a blog will be a good start... again.

ToryLynn

...And then some stuff happened

Maybe I'll get to it. Maybe I won't. But... watch this space. It's time for a Revolution.

Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Episode 88: Cred

So, I went to a conference this weekend. It was pretty awesome. I learned a lot of educating stuff, and I got to hang out with and strengthen my relationship with some of the teachers around my district.  I would like to see my district, a quite large one, learn to use the information that we were given at the conference.  I would like to see deeper collaboration, time spent on learning, getting to know each other and having a good time doing it.  I think that is what a lot of my district has a problem with. There are so many bitter teachers that sit around and complain about how awful the district is and how we have no choice in the matter without actually wanting to do anything.  They need to change that attitude... and I guess, so do I.

Mostly I need to change my attitude about weight loss and getting healthier.  I admit, my attitude isn't the greatest.  I could be a lot better.  I complain that I hurt; I complain that I'm tired; I complain that I'm just not in the mood.  But when it comes down to it, I think there is a little bit of fear there as well.  While I'm not entirely comfortable in my body.. ok.. I'm not comfortable at all in my body, I have found that I'm sort of scared of the expectations of other people.  I think I had a blog post about this about a month or two ago. I haven't really been blogging and I'm tired of saying "oh, I'll get back to it" and then not, so I'm just going to do it. I was losing weight and being healthier when I blogged, and so I just need to do it.

I am finding that I blog more about what I think people should hear, or do things that people think that people expect me to do or say. I have great ideas, but I'm awful at enforcing them on myself, I guess.

So anyway, to today's topic.  (I did mention I ramble, didn't I?)

At my conference this weekend, they gave out these Google Badges, one for each level of learning.  If you went to certain sessions, you got the badges and you had a certain amount of.. well.. teacher cred.   I got all three badges from the conference, and I was able to brag to one of the administrators who had joined us.  And then AM and I were discussing weight loss and Weight Watchers and points and such. We use an app called Fooducate sometimes to tell us how healthy certain foods are.  These foods come with a certain point system.  Point systems just work sometimes, you know.  And badges. Which is why Weight Watchers sort of worked for me.  It was a definitive, easy to count amount of points, and you could earn little trinkets and badges and such.  You got weight loss cred.

Unfortunately, I have lost all of my cred. Excepting the 4 pounds I seem to keep losing and gaining back (and 4 pounds really isn't that much to me) I am at the heaviest weight I can remember being ever.  I need to get my cred back. Maybe the way I can do that is with stickers, or badges that I create. I could have a smallish one that is for each pound that I have lost. A bigger one for when I lose 5% of my body weight, a bigger one and a non-food item that I want when I've lost 10%... and keep going from there. I would often lose 10% of my body weight with Weight Watchers, but because that was the last bit that you could lose before they expected you to get your "lifetime" goal of whatever the BMI recommendations are (which for me are between 110 and 130), I would quit because I didn't have that reward system anymore.  I would have to lose half of myself and then half of that again almost to get down to that place, and that is intimidating.  Lost 30 pounds! Yay.. 10% of my weight, but then.. what after that. It is nearly 200 pounds without any sort of reward, just a massive slog and a lot of plateaus.

No, I won't go back on Weight Watchers, but I do need to start giving myself, or making myself badges.  If I could figure out how, I would post them to my blog, somewhere visible.  A whole stream of little stickery badges down the side, 230 of them for each pound I will lose. Give me some Cred.

Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Episode 85: To be continued...

My part of California hasn't had much rain lately, but this last weekend, I got to snuggle down into my warm little apartment and experience something I have needed for a long, long while: a weekend of rain and relaxation and lots and lots of grading.  I have today off too, and I have a lot of grading to do, since my grades for the progress reports are due on Wedensday, but I got a big chunk of grading done that I had been avoiding for a while. So, Yay me!  

What I haven't been so good at, dear reader, is actually spending any of that time cooking. I have not created anything healthy in my kitchen for.. a few weeks at least. Not for lack of fresh and good ingredients.  My wonderful AM has started his skills based class at San Joaquin Delta College, and he is doing amazing.  So, in his spare time, when he's not doing homework or being awesome, he is spending time practicing his knife skills by cutting up vegetables, or clarifying butter for a sauce or just a lot of things. He is amazing.  But, now I have a refrigerator full of diced, sliced, chopped vegetables, and I haven't been using them.  Bad Tory!

So, today's goal is to pull out the slow cooker and start to make a good stock that we can add some noodly bits to and make a great vegetable soup.  It is getting to be soup weather around here, and it is something I can take to school for lunches and savor.  I hope to get this started before I have a busy busy day off.  Why do I have to schedule all the stuff on my day's off and not actually have a day off? Because I'm a teacher.  So, today's to-do list includes: Start stock, my annual physical (yes, I'm nervous!) and buy clothes for my trip to Arizona next week (and even more nervous!)

I don't really know why I am writing today except that I want to write.  I want to start writing again, and I am tired of saying "Oh, I'm refreshing, or oh.. it's a new me" because it's not. This is the same old me. I am not starting anything new, I am not trying to be anything that I am not.  I am just trying to get healthier. I am trying to be better at being human, but that is all I am doing.  Just becoming a better human.  Coming out of my chrysalis, I suppose.  It has been a long, slow journey and I have a lot more struggling to do.  

I think I'll start writing every day, even if it is just for me.

This is my chronicle.  This is the page that reads: And the story continues...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 84: My Not so-BFS List!

I saw this on the Nanowrimo forums and I thought I would make one of my own here, so I have a place to keep it.  My BIG, FUN, SCARY List of thing to do.  Now, I know it's getting on towards 2014, but I don't want this to be a list of resolutions. I don't want this to be just one more list of things that I will "try" to do, but a list of things I plan on actually doing, things I can set in motion, make plans for, make a goal for and just.. you know.. be awesome at!  Nanowrimo is sort of the end of the year for me and the beginning of being motivated. If I can write 50,000 words in one month on one story (and not even finish it, but it is there, in a file, waiting to be opened on Martin Luther King Jr. Day where my Writing Monster can cry out "Free at Last" since I have put her away for 6 weeks to let my writing ideas simmer and see what comes to fruition), I can do just about anything I really set my mind to, as long as I break it into smaller chunks.

See, that's the nice thing about Nanowrimo.  I took it day by day. I didn't look at 50,000 words and have a panic attack. I looked at 1667 words a day for 30 days.  So I can't look at the nearly 200 pounds I have to lose as 200 pounds (and believe me, that's a lot of butter!), I can just take it a pound at a time (probably by not eating pounds of butter).

However, this list, this BFS list, is the beginning of the lists, the start, the "Where do I go from here" of lists that may look BIG and SCARY, but will also, ultimately be FUN too!  So, while this list may be a list of BIG things, (though maybe not quite yet a BIG list, I do plan on adding stuff to it), all of these can be broken into smaller, achievable, day by day every day I try this and it works for me goal list.  A list of "I can do it" not.. "I want to do it!"

So, here's my list (in no particular order)

1. Finish my pink and brown quilt that I've been working on since before my divorce.
2. Track my calories and exercise daily.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Record weight, blood pressure, blood sugar and exercise in a chart so I can see my progress.
5. Write an outline for each of the three (so far) books that are in my San Francisco Friends novels.
6. Rewrite/Edit one novel into a publishable draft by August.
7. Work hard and be an awesome teacher!
8. Help my district and my school transition to Common Core Standards and be a great on-campus leader!
9. Help my adorable, loving, wonderful husband get through the next year of college!
10. Complete the next 12 weeks cycle of Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'.
11. Meditate every day.

So, those are things I can do!  Let's get crackin'!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 83: Back at Square One

Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again.  I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body.  But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.

~~end emo rant~~~

OK, so I have backslid.  That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again.  I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been.  The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms.  This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on.  If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.

I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it.  This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out.  So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.

Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn