Episode 50: A Review

Wow.. has it been 50 posts so far?  Ok. I admit, I have been really lax at posting for the last week or so, mostly because of my complete lack of internet connection.  I am currently sitting and soaking up the warmth, the coffee and the ambiance of Noah's bagels... and stealing their internet.  I won't get mine back until the seventh.

I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back.  I have to get back on track for a few reasons.  I may  have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong.  I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy.  I also just want to be healthier.  So, that is what I'm going to do.

When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction.  If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body.  I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!

In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life.  I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me.  I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in.  I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back.  As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.

This new year will be a new start for me.  I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year.  My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner.  I guess I just needed a catalyst.  I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well.  I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully.  These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.

Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again.  I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel.  I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.

I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.

Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new.  I hate moving.  I hate looking at the old memories.  I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself.  I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable.  I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now.  My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while.  Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.

I know that I can make it on my own.  I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be.  Life is what you make of it.  Today, I am making it my own.

Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii

ToryLynn

Episode 41: End of an Era

Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit.  It is hard.  I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone.  AH moved out on the first of this month.  My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here.  I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing.  I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore.  I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.

I eat healthier now.  Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing).  Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes.  I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now.  I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective.  I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.

I'm not entirely lonely.  If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs.  Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own.  But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around.  I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.

Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone.  I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.

I am sad for my divorce.  I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this.  I regret that hurt a lot.  I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person.  I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be.  I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone.  I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.

Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful  I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.

Deep in thought....

ToryLynn

Episode 35: Separated but equal

A lot of stuff going in my life right now.  Too much to post, and I'm not in the mood to talk about it.  Suffice it to say, I've sort of fallen off the bandwagon here lately, though I am getting all my fruits and veggies and trying to stick, at least, to the basics of eating right.

I live in fantasy too often. My life is about to get real in a lot of different ways.  I'm scared, but I know that I can make it through.

You have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. That is just the way life is.  I guess I should stop being a hoarder.

Love is a strange, weird thing sometimes.

It is time to be strong.

Episode 26: Ouchie!

I know I have to start exercising soon and that it will help with my weight loss. I know I should find some way to get at least 20 minutes a day (or even 30) of walking or some sort of activity that I enjoy that will help me move around a lot better.  But right now, walking or any sort of physical activity seems freakin' impossible...mostly because I am in a world of pain.

Admittedly, it is my fault.  AH and I have a lovely Lay-Z-Boy couch.  Very comfy, with two reclining seats, buff furry type of material, and a remote control holder that I made that rarely ever holds remotes.  In fact, I am sitting on it as I blog. But, there is a problem.  I can't sleep on it when I am reclined.. or not very well anyway.  I sleep on my side, usually my right. So I curl up on the couch talking long distance to AM and watch Netflix, all laying down on my right side. (By the way, I wholly recommend Full Metal Alchemist! What a great storyline!) Well, our wonderful couch has wooden partitions between the seats, and my back, right where it hits the partition, is bruised.  It is so bruised that it hurts to touch it and it hurts to move, but no actual bruise shows on the skin.  Grrrrrr. How am I supposed to go exercise if I can't move!  I think I need to find another way or another place to sit if I'm going to be online watching movies and such.

Anyway, a big happy birthday to BD, who is another year older. I hope your day is wonderful!

Anyway, I am off to work! I hope you all have a lovely everything!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 24: Shopping spree!

So... weighed in and lost 3.6 pounds this week! Woot! I was super stoked and went clothes shopping to get a new pair of black jeans and discovered that I went down an entire pants size! Woot again! Not only that but they aren't super tight. They fit me perfectly. I also got a really nice brown cardigan that was 30% off.

AH and I are spending the day at mini golf and the corn maze (it is amaizing says AM) and testing out my new pedometer. So yay exercise, and if I am a really good girl, maybe he will take me to Ghirardelli for some ice cream, but he says he doesn't want to be responsible for me gaining the weight back.

So.. even more people tell me they are reading my blog, and one of LS's (Little Sister, for those who care) friends said that it is inspiring her to get in shape. So yay! My role as muse is being extended to weight loss fairy as well as inspiration for writers and musicians too.

Anyway, I am blogging as AH drives and he is giving me that look that says I have been on my phone for too long.

EDIT: I didn't lose 36 pounds... I forgot the decimal in the original. I would have to lop off a limb to lose that the much! Thanks mom for pointing that the out.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

posted from Bloggeroid

Episode 15: Renaissance and Coffee :)

Sounds like an interesting book title, doesn't it?

So, first bit of news! I got my new Keurig!!  I got a serious bonus in overages this month and I earned a beautiful reward of a new Keurig coffee system.  It is amazing.  From the first sip of my cup of French Vanilla Roast to my last sip of the Hazelnut that I had today, the coffee is amazing. And! I can program it to make me a cup of coffee upon my waking up in the morning! How awesome is that!  But wow.. that liquid comes out hot!

So anyway... Yesterday was sort of a whirlwind and I had an amazing day with AH.  I woke up, took a bath, blow dried my hair (wouldn't want the extra water in my hair to weigh me down) and went to weigh in. I lost 7 pounds this week.  The outpouring of pride in me has been especially felt deep in my heart, and it makes me want to keep going... no matter how bumpy it's beginning to look on the outside...

So, I pack AH in the car and he sleeps on the way to the Northern California Renaissance Faire.  For some reason, I feel extremely at peace with this world.  As I enter the gates, I just become enveloped in the experience.  I nod my head to passersby; I politely bow my body to those in a higher position than I; I smile at fools and small children, and something inside me clicks.  It's like my heart settles and my mind sort of goes on autopilot.

The Ren Faire we go to is set up like a marketplace. There are a lot of shops and some stages, and games and more shops and gypsies and pirates and fairies and royalty and peasants and everything wonderful. There are bright vivid costumes, loud bustling talk as people haggle and negotiate and laugh. There are bawdy performances, there are street hockers, there are musicians wandering through the street playing their instruments.  This noisy, glorious, tumultuous experience is where I feel a deep sense of peacefulness.  I wander through the stores, glance at wares I am interested in (I got a lovely new leather bound journal for poems written by hand. The cotton paper drinks up the ink from my fountain pen, and AH got some pouches for his eventual garb. I even got a new silver barrette for my hair.)  I sit down to watch the Bold and Stupid Men show (though it is with different people, it is still amusing) and get a medallion stamped (This year's is a beautiful silver clad necklace with a claddagh on one side and the Green man on the other).  Everything put me at ease.  I felt that I belonged to this era of hand crafted books and cacophonous brilliance roaming through the streets of the dirt path that mapped out our way through the market.  It was wonderful!

We stopped by In-N-Out on the way home and I got to eat anything I wanted, as I still had all of my weekly points remaining, and I was glad that I wasn't eating the turkey legs and roasted skewered vegetables that were the fare of the faire.

We had a lovely time, and came home happy. He fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from an oveworked week, and I went to some poetry reading and spent time with great friends.  Altogether, a wonderful Sunday.

I am to bed.. It is time.

I love you all and hope that you keep safe and happy!

Tory

Episode 9: Vitamins and Vegetables

So, I am supposed to take a multivitamin every day and I have been neglecting it out of laziness.  I finally found my bottle of Woman's One-A-Day (which, oddly enough are called petites and you have to take 2 a day), but I am finally adding vitamins to my weight loss regime.

You know, I'm surprised that I made it to nine posts.  Twelve to go until I feel that I have really made it a good habit.

So, today I made Weight Watcher's Garden Vegetable soup.  It smells divine.  My refrigerator looks like a farmer's market, full of greenery and color and 4 identical containers of soup in beef broth.  Some things I learned today while making soup...

1. We do not own a vegetable peeler.
2. Carrots still taste ok with their skins on.
3. If you mix garlic and onion together in a pot with carrots and saute them, the air will become filled with a thick vapor of onion-garlic essence that makes AH's eyes nearly swell shut.
4. Spinach is remarkably easy to cut into soup-making bites.
5. Carrots are not so easy to cut...

The soup tastes pretty good though. I'm looking for ways to make variations on it, like figuring out some winter veggies that would go well in it, or finding a way to make it perhaps a bit thicker, like a stew, and add some points and meat pieces.  Figuring out how to make it in my crock pot would be great, as I want to make it on Sunday mornings and package it for lunches for school.

I am trying, and I am keeping up with it.  Exact points used today, though I didn't get all of my veggies in like I should have, I did get all of my low-fat milks in, which was always the hardest part for me before.  I am feeling gorgeous today, and my confidence is amazing.  I feel good about myself because I know I am loved.

Speaking of being loved, AH has the evening off for the first time in about 2 weeks.  I am going to go spend some unconscious time with him.. though in reality, I'll probably just fall asleep on the couch!

Thanks for reading!

ToryLynn