Showing posts with label AM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AM. Show all posts

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Tabula Rasa

 I've been doing a lot of bellybutton gazing lately, much contemplation. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, I have not been kind lately- either to myself or to the people who I care about. 

The beginning of a new year is often a time to restart and refresh. You get a do-over, so that's what I'm giving myself.  I originally was going to title this post "Mea Culpa" and write a long rant about how I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain that I have caused recently to my husband and to a dear friend of mine, but that would just be me throwing myself around and creating drama again- and I don't need to do that anymore.

So, it's time to wipe the slate clean. I have been a bad human. (I can't help but hear some sort of cosmic deity pointing a finger down at me saying "Bad human, bad! No treats for you!" and I deserve that.) I need to get better and move forwards to be the best me I can be. I will listen to people who care about me. I will take care of my physical self as well as my mental and emotional self. I am better than what I have been.

I wish you, my dear readers, only the best in the world. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Episode 88: Cred

So, I went to a conference this weekend. It was pretty awesome. I learned a lot of educating stuff, and I got to hang out with and strengthen my relationship with some of the teachers around my district.  I would like to see my district, a quite large one, learn to use the information that we were given at the conference.  I would like to see deeper collaboration, time spent on learning, getting to know each other and having a good time doing it.  I think that is what a lot of my district has a problem with. There are so many bitter teachers that sit around and complain about how awful the district is and how we have no choice in the matter without actually wanting to do anything.  They need to change that attitude... and I guess, so do I.

Mostly I need to change my attitude about weight loss and getting healthier.  I admit, my attitude isn't the greatest.  I could be a lot better.  I complain that I hurt; I complain that I'm tired; I complain that I'm just not in the mood.  But when it comes down to it, I think there is a little bit of fear there as well.  While I'm not entirely comfortable in my body.. ok.. I'm not comfortable at all in my body, I have found that I'm sort of scared of the expectations of other people.  I think I had a blog post about this about a month or two ago. I haven't really been blogging and I'm tired of saying "oh, I'll get back to it" and then not, so I'm just going to do it. I was losing weight and being healthier when I blogged, and so I just need to do it.

I am finding that I blog more about what I think people should hear, or do things that people think that people expect me to do or say. I have great ideas, but I'm awful at enforcing them on myself, I guess.

So anyway, to today's topic.  (I did mention I ramble, didn't I?)

At my conference this weekend, they gave out these Google Badges, one for each level of learning.  If you went to certain sessions, you got the badges and you had a certain amount of.. well.. teacher cred.   I got all three badges from the conference, and I was able to brag to one of the administrators who had joined us.  And then AM and I were discussing weight loss and Weight Watchers and points and such. We use an app called Fooducate sometimes to tell us how healthy certain foods are.  These foods come with a certain point system.  Point systems just work sometimes, you know.  And badges. Which is why Weight Watchers sort of worked for me.  It was a definitive, easy to count amount of points, and you could earn little trinkets and badges and such.  You got weight loss cred.

Unfortunately, I have lost all of my cred. Excepting the 4 pounds I seem to keep losing and gaining back (and 4 pounds really isn't that much to me) I am at the heaviest weight I can remember being ever.  I need to get my cred back. Maybe the way I can do that is with stickers, or badges that I create. I could have a smallish one that is for each pound that I have lost. A bigger one for when I lose 5% of my body weight, a bigger one and a non-food item that I want when I've lost 10%... and keep going from there. I would often lose 10% of my body weight with Weight Watchers, but because that was the last bit that you could lose before they expected you to get your "lifetime" goal of whatever the BMI recommendations are (which for me are between 110 and 130), I would quit because I didn't have that reward system anymore.  I would have to lose half of myself and then half of that again almost to get down to that place, and that is intimidating.  Lost 30 pounds! Yay.. 10% of my weight, but then.. what after that. It is nearly 200 pounds without any sort of reward, just a massive slog and a lot of plateaus.

No, I won't go back on Weight Watchers, but I do need to start giving myself, or making myself badges.  If I could figure out how, I would post them to my blog, somewhere visible.  A whole stream of little stickery badges down the side, 230 of them for each pound I will lose. Give me some Cred.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Episode 85: To be continued...

My part of California hasn't had much rain lately, but this last weekend, I got to snuggle down into my warm little apartment and experience something I have needed for a long, long while: a weekend of rain and relaxation and lots and lots of grading.  I have today off too, and I have a lot of grading to do, since my grades for the progress reports are due on Wedensday, but I got a big chunk of grading done that I had been avoiding for a while. So, Yay me!  

What I haven't been so good at, dear reader, is actually spending any of that time cooking. I have not created anything healthy in my kitchen for.. a few weeks at least. Not for lack of fresh and good ingredients.  My wonderful AM has started his skills based class at San Joaquin Delta College, and he is doing amazing.  So, in his spare time, when he's not doing homework or being awesome, he is spending time practicing his knife skills by cutting up vegetables, or clarifying butter for a sauce or just a lot of things. He is amazing.  But, now I have a refrigerator full of diced, sliced, chopped vegetables, and I haven't been using them.  Bad Tory!

So, today's goal is to pull out the slow cooker and start to make a good stock that we can add some noodly bits to and make a great vegetable soup.  It is getting to be soup weather around here, and it is something I can take to school for lunches and savor.  I hope to get this started before I have a busy busy day off.  Why do I have to schedule all the stuff on my day's off and not actually have a day off? Because I'm a teacher.  So, today's to-do list includes: Start stock, my annual physical (yes, I'm nervous!) and buy clothes for my trip to Arizona next week (and even more nervous!)

I don't really know why I am writing today except that I want to write.  I want to start writing again, and I am tired of saying "Oh, I'm refreshing, or oh.. it's a new me" because it's not. This is the same old me. I am not starting anything new, I am not trying to be anything that I am not.  I am just trying to get healthier. I am trying to be better at being human, but that is all I am doing.  Just becoming a better human.  Coming out of my chrysalis, I suppose.  It has been a long, slow journey and I have a lot more struggling to do.  

I think I'll start writing every day, even if it is just for me.

This is my chronicle.  This is the page that reads: And the story continues...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Episode 84: My Not so-BFS List!

I saw this on the Nanowrimo forums and I thought I would make one of my own here, so I have a place to keep it.  My BIG, FUN, SCARY List of thing to do.  Now, I know it's getting on towards 2014, but I don't want this to be a list of resolutions. I don't want this to be just one more list of things that I will "try" to do, but a list of things I plan on actually doing, things I can set in motion, make plans for, make a goal for and just.. you know.. be awesome at!  Nanowrimo is sort of the end of the year for me and the beginning of being motivated. If I can write 50,000 words in one month on one story (and not even finish it, but it is there, in a file, waiting to be opened on Martin Luther King Jr. Day where my Writing Monster can cry out "Free at Last" since I have put her away for 6 weeks to let my writing ideas simmer and see what comes to fruition), I can do just about anything I really set my mind to, as long as I break it into smaller chunks.

See, that's the nice thing about Nanowrimo.  I took it day by day. I didn't look at 50,000 words and have a panic attack. I looked at 1667 words a day for 30 days.  So I can't look at the nearly 200 pounds I have to lose as 200 pounds (and believe me, that's a lot of butter!), I can just take it a pound at a time (probably by not eating pounds of butter).

However, this list, this BFS list, is the beginning of the lists, the start, the "Where do I go from here" of lists that may look BIG and SCARY, but will also, ultimately be FUN too!  So, while this list may be a list of BIG things, (though maybe not quite yet a BIG list, I do plan on adding stuff to it), all of these can be broken into smaller, achievable, day by day every day I try this and it works for me goal list.  A list of "I can do it" not.. "I want to do it!"

So, here's my list (in no particular order)

1. Finish my pink and brown quilt that I've been working on since before my divorce.
2. Track my calories and exercise daily.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Record weight, blood pressure, blood sugar and exercise in a chart so I can see my progress.
5. Write an outline for each of the three (so far) books that are in my San Francisco Friends novels.
6. Rewrite/Edit one novel into a publishable draft by August.
7. Work hard and be an awesome teacher!
8. Help my district and my school transition to Common Core Standards and be a great on-campus leader!
9. Help my adorable, loving, wonderful husband get through the next year of college!
10. Complete the next 12 weeks cycle of Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'.
11. Meditate every day.

So, those are things I can do!  Let's get crackin'!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Monday, September 23, 2013

Episode 83: Back at Square One

Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again.  I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body.  But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.

~~end emo rant~~~

OK, so I have backslid.  That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again.  I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been.  The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms.  This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on.  If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.

I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it.  This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out.  So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.

Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Episode 83: My tools

My school year has finished up.  The grading and the reading and the meetings that have kept me from blogging and writing and just finding my place in the world are over and I can be selfish... at least for a little while.

For the next two weeks, I will covet my time, since little of it will be mine. The little bit of time I get to myself, such as now, in the early morning hours, I will cherish.  I will use this time to clean up my office (which badly needs it), work on some craft projects and read and rest and reflect and hopefully do a lot more writing.  I want to do morning pages. I want to read Sophie's World.  I want to get healthy, not just physically, but also mentally.  I want to be able to dance at my wedding, play with my eventual children and live a good long, healthy and happy life.  And I can do it, with the help of some tools that I need to pick up again.

Tools are good things. They help you maintain, reflect, become better.  I am a a huge supporter of tools, and I use a few on a semi-regular basis.  Well.. anybody who really knows me knows that I do very little out of habit or on a regular basis.  I can't even really seem to remember to take my meds every day.  Hmmm

Anyway, here are a few of my tools that I have picked up as I go along my merry way...

Tool One: My big pink notebook. AM calls it my "bible" and it's sort of an apt description.  I keep everything in there. It has 5 sections right now.  The first is my planner, second is food stuffs, third is blog ideas and random writings, fourth is wedding stuffs, and fifth is financial stuffs.  If I lose the thing, I won't be able to remember anything.  It has a nice loop for my pink fountain pen and it is wonderful.  I carry it with me nearly everywhere, though it does need to get cleaned out and replaced sooner or later... probably sooner.

Tool Two: My pen.  I have a hot pink Levenger True Writer fountain pen with Hope Pink ink in it.  (you may be noticing a trend.. it is my favorite color).  I almost put Morning Pages as my second tool, but I don't really write them as habitually as I am supposed to. One of my summer goals that I will be writing about in a later post (probably tomorrow).  My pink pen, like my pink notebook, goes with me everywhere.  It is a reminder that I am supposed to write.  It is a reminder that I can jot down a note and my weird kinesthetic brain will remember it more readily than just reading it or asking someone else to remind me.

Tool Three: Our big freakin' white boards.  We have two in the house. One of them is our calendar, which we write up every month and our To Do List for that month. It hangs next to our front door in a prominent place near the table in the kitchen. The other, much more neglected one, is in my office, full of project ideas that never really get done.  I have to work on this this summer.

Took Four: My phone.  In this day and age, I couldn't live without my phone. AM is constantly saying that I am always on my phone and I'm afraid he's right. I use my phone to help track everything.  It is my backup calendar which I coordinate with the planner in my pink notebook. It my food tracker, my mood tracker, my link to other people through Facebook.  I use a few fitness apps, and am trying out new ones all the time (most of them are free).

My final and Fifth (and best) tool: AM and my friends circle.  I cannot say how much these people have helped me.  From my online big brother, RO, to our Stockton Writer's Group, I have so much support.  Having a live in personal trainer and personal chef helps, as AM is constantly helping me be a better person and reminding me that I am so much more than I think I am and I can do so much more than I think can.  These people have helped me and made my life amazing.  They are supportive and give me great suggestions and kudos and high fives and big hugs and I appreciate and love them all for it.

Anywaysssss.... before I get too sappy... I am going back to bed.  I walked 3.74 miles yesterday and I am SO feeling it right now.  Now that I'm off for the summer, I plan on making writing part of my regime, as well as some reading, some exercising and a lot of snuggling from my wonderful AM! :)

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Episode 78: The Return of Wegetarian Wednesdays!

MM.. Wegetarian Wednesdays.  Where we wander through culinary bliss into the realm of the meatless.  We eat bean soups and spinach salads and sometimes a Trader Joe's Roasted Veggie pizza, if we're being particularly lazy.  The idea of Wegetarian Wednesdays came with the more frequent trips to the farmers markets, a reason to use up some of our market produce and it just felt right.

I like doing Wegetarian Wednesday on a Wednesday because it's the middle of the week. Some people prefer something like "Meatless Mondays" where they feel better about themselves after gorging all weekend by reasserting the diet mythos of "Oh, I will start over on Monday", which means that if you screw up on a Thursday afternoon, you have three free days of gorging yourself into oblivion which you can excuse by saying "Oh, it's ok. I'm starting a diet on Monday".  The point of Wegetarian Wednesdays isn't to start over, but to rededicate yourself.  If you slipped up a little on Tuesday, don't give up, but eat healthier.  That way you have Thursday, Friday and Saturday and you can go "I survived until Wednesday, why give up now?"  Wednesday is that hump in the road, that road block that we have to hurtle past into the unknown realms of diethood, where we can keep our heads held high and say "No, I ate Vegetarian last night.  I don't need that piece of Thursday morning bagel, and I don't have to take part in that Friday morning box of doughnuts that my boss just brought in. I have more willpower than that!"

Tonight's Wegetarian Wednesday was bean soup, which will get posted tomorrow for recipe Thursday.  It was a good thick hearty soup that was delicious.  I've noticed lately that a lot of our vegetarian meals sort of revolve around the idea of beans.  Beans for protein or beans just as a filling substitute to something that would normally be meat.  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with beans, and they certainly made a delicious meal tonight, but there has to be more out there. 

AM and I switch off making meals every other night.  He is training and reading up on being a chef since he is going to culinary school, but I like to cook too, so every other night (well... hopefully), I am cooking. That means in an average month, I am preparing about 2 vegetarian dishes a month.  I need more variety with less starch.

So, I call out to you, gentle reader.  Help me increase my repertoire of vegetarian meals into my beautiful pink Arc planner, so that I can create a wonderful cookbook and have a whole slew of meals to create that will satisfy our tastebuds and our budget and not be just another bean soup or salad.

Hoping to hear from you soon...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S.  I hope I never have to type Wednesday that many times ever again! :)

Monday, May 6, 2013

Episode 76: Happy!!

Every night before we go to bed, we sit at our dining room table, fountain pens in hand, and write on small 2"x2" pieces of paper that are cut from 24lb stock.  These pieces of paper are light blue and pink, the color of youth, the color of gender and for us, the color of happiness.  With my pen, filled with a beautiful hot pink ink called "Hope Pink" for breast cancer awareness I write my happy thoughts for the day.  Across the table from me, AM, with his turquoisish pen, filled with Bahama Blue, writes his happy thoughts for the day.  Our world is color coded in this way. When we are finished, we put them into an 8 cup Ball jar and seal the lid.  In this way, we record our happiness, one day at a time and fill a jar with love and hope.

We've been doing this since around February. Originally the thought had been to start January 1st, but we are slow to get organized.  The jar in the picture is our happy jar, with our happy thoughts color coded to suit us.  We put the day's triumphs, the happy little things that we did for each other, or that we talked about, or even just what we ate for the day.  They can be any thought, as long as they are happy and not negative.

The plan is to open the jar at the end of the year as a New Year's ritual and see all of the happy thoughts that we have created over the year.  Ideally, if we had started on January first, we would have 730 happy thoughts in it by the end of the year.  730 happy memories, 730 meals, 730 joys that we could share.  I am not sure what we will do with them as we review them. Perhaps we will create a scrapbook, putting them in order and gluing them to pages as a reminder of all the happiness that we had the year we got engaged and then got married.  Maybe we will let the jar fill (though it is already getting pretty full and we have to pack the slips down well) until our first anniversary, so we can have a record of our first year together and the time that we were engaged.  Maybe we will just tear them into smaller pieces and throw them over ourselves and our friends at our New Year's celebration.  We have a while to go until we pick out those pieces of paper and find out all of our happiness throughout the year.  I'm excited to see what he wrote, since our happy thoughts are private until the end of the year, locked up in our little jar on little pieces of blue and pink paper.

I hope that you all have your happy thoughts and that you share them with the ones that you love, today and every day.  Keep them somewhere safe, even if it is a journal or notebook, a planner or just in your memory, but my hope is that everybody has at least one happy thought a day, even if it is as simple as "the cute guy on the bus smiled at me" or "I ate all my vegetables" or even "I am still alive and my heart is still pumping blood through my body", everybody should be happy, every single day.

Here is to all of your happy thoughts!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Friday, May 3, 2013

Episode 73: Motivation

Tonight I went with my mother and my sister to pick up my wedding dress.  The picture to the right is me in the dress (AM is in the back, taking pictures and helping me pick it out.).  We had to squeeze me into the dress and, while I could sit down and walk around in it, it felt tight.  Not like "I can't breathe tight", but I was a bit uncomfortable.  Even looking at the picture to the right makes me a bit uncomfortable to see the flabby arms and the back fat.  But, OMIPU!! What a beautiful gorgeous dress and it is so perfect for me.    I can't wait to walk down the aisle and have AM at the end, greeting me.

The stuffing of me into the dress motivates me to take the challenge I am on a bit more seriously.  Tonight's dinner at the Black Bear Diner not withstanding, I need to get more serious about weight loss so that I can look even more stunning in this fabulous dress.  I need to find back and arm exercises that will help me work away some of that fat back there and make it so that the dress just slips on and laces up without me feeling like I am being put into a corset.  This motivates me more than anything else right now.  My hot pink Converse go great with it and are totally me, peeking out from under the dress as I walk (I have to get the hem picked up a bit so I can wear the shoes rather than wear high heels).

Motivation comes from  many places.  My motivation is one of the more commonplace ones.  Many women say "I want to look better on my wedding day".  Some people want to do it so that they can spend more time with their kids. Some just want to be healthier and some want the challenge of doing something that they never thought that they would do before.  I have friends, TG and KT, who do 5k runs and nearly marathon pace running. I am inspired by them, but my motivation comes from myself.  Most motivation must be internally driven, not externally.  If you want to do something, find your own reasons, and whatever reasons they are, and make them yours. Make the challenge yours.  Because if it doesn't come from inside you, if it doesn't come from somewhere internal where that little voice is crying out to tell you that you <b>can</b> be a better person, then it isn't the right motivation for you.  Doing things for other people never helps anybody.

I should get one of those shirts that say "Team Bride" on them and wear it to Curves and sweat up a storm.. it can be part of my workout outfit.  I"m off to search Amazon and ThinkGeek!  I hope you all find whatever motivates you to greatness, because I think you are all great!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Friday, January 18, 2013

Episode 69: Oh What a Beautiful Morning!!!

I love mornings like this.  I love these types of beautiful mornings where there is just the thinnest layer of frost on the roof (just enough to leave a white  transluscent layer) and as I walk, the grass crunches beneath my feet in a white layer.  This will all wear off within an hour of the sun rising, but getting to school early enough to see this is stunning. I'm a morning person. Something I do not share with my life partner, AM. He would rather sleep until noon and then stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning. This affords me a few quiet hours on my days off to let me just reset and work... Or to just to sit around watching Netflix and reading, but we all find our happiness in different places. This means though, that I fall asleep at 10ish. If not am not recumbent by 9:30, I get cranky... Like bear coming out of hibernation cranky. AM is patient though, and loves me and so when I get, cranky, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. When I get up tomorrow morning, I am going to wake up happy and alive, get out of bed and be excited to start my day. I will see my students tomorrow after over a week away from them. (I missed them, but you will never hear ever admit it... Much). Tomorrow is going to be a good morning, just like today was a good day. Goodnight, gentle readers. I wish you all the happy mornings to come. Love and Lollipops, ToryLynn

Thursday, November 22, 2012

2012 Thankful Post

This year I am thankful for so many things, so many wonderful people and so many great things happening to me this year that I don't even really know where to start.

First, I am thankful for AM, as always, my rock and my roll, who makes me happy every day and lets me take care of him as much as he takes care of me.

I am thankful for my family, who have been there for me.  I know I don't see you enough lately, but you are always on my mind and in my heart..

I am thankful for the wonderful change that has taken place in my life that has allowed me to get a hold on who I am.

I am thankful for my job and that Prop 30 passes this year so that I can keep it.  I love what I do, even if I get frustrated sometimes. I love talking about literature, watching children learn who they really are and I love that moment when you're in a classroom conversation when a child knows that they can say anything and be listened to and respected.  I love all of my students.

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For the lunch crowd at Stagg and the writers of Wrimo.  It is good to know that there are kindred out there.

I am thankful for these and everybody around me.  I am thankful that I can make minipies to share with my family.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

Love and Lollipops and lots of cranberry sauce,

ToryLynn

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Episode 66: Putting Color Into Life

Today we went to the Farmer's Market behind the Weberstown Mall.  We got up, even before breakfast, put on clothes, braved the cold, crisp morning (at 8:45) and went out to see what sort of fresh produce they had for us today.  What you see in the picture is what we bought.  Fresh veggies, raspberry jams and some pomegranates.  They are all glorious (and barely fit in our tiny tiny apartment fridge).  The plan is to make some really awesome veggie soup, since we're on a type of Weight Watchers.
So many colors!
 In fact, I'm sort of cheating.  I have no money and very little resources to rejoin Weight Watchers at this time, but I have all of my old book and all of my old program stuff, so we're using these as resources, with some help from some web sources, to create our own version of Weight Watchers.  I haven't given up on the whole milk or the whole fat yogurt, as they seem to be better for my digestion than the low fat stuff (I don't get nearly as may ucky tummies), but we are adding many more veggies and things to our diet.  I feel healthier.  According to my Wii, I have lost about 5 pounds in the last two weeks.

Just looking at that picture makes me happy!  The colors, the vibrancy, and I've noticed that since we have been eating better, cleaning our apartment more often and working out a bit more, my whole life seems to be coated in this new vibrant color.  A year or more ago, I was feeling kind of in the doldrums.  I lived in a beautiful place, I had everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't satisfying. I was unhappy.  I was overweight. I was lazy and in pain and everything seemed like crap.  I was taking medication for bipolar disorder and it wasn't helping much.  And the food I was eating was awful!  Looking back at my Weight Watcher's books from a year ago, I was eating fast food daily.  One day was Wendys. One day was Subway. One day was Taco Bell.  Fried foods, foods full of fat, foods full of fillers. These were the things that I was putting into my body, and my body fought back with depression, acne and weight gain.

Now I eat what you see on the table.  Fresh fruits, fresh veggies. I make my own breads sometimes.
 I take a vitamin daily, and I cook my own food. I have even, on occasion, made my own butter (which is absolutely delicious!)  I know exactly what goes in my food. If I write down a recipe, or a list of ingredients, I can pronounce every single one of them.  I still eat meat, though we do have our Wegitarian Wednesdays, and Pizza Fridays (our one little concession to the "how do you pronounce that?" foods).  We will eat out, but we go places where we can eat healthfully.  We found this great little sushi place (at Sherwood Mall, no less) that makes great rolls and you can watch them make them, so we know exactly what goes into them.  All of these things have greatly improved the quality of my life.

I plan on keeping up with this blog some more.  I want to write and keep track.  I want to post about how I organize my life, how I make it can make it better, and how I have learned to enjoy a life lived in less space and fewer calories but much more enriched.  I'll post some of my recipes that we have found particularly yummy, some ideas for keeping life organized, and my adventures of jumping off the high dive of life and just, well... Weighting in the Deep End!

Keeping happy and healthy!

ToryLynn

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Episode 65: Perceived Energy vs. Actual Energy

I just spent three days on a whirlwind tour of the East Coast.  What I could see of New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New York it is a beautiful place full of wonderful people, wonderful conversation and wonderful food.  And the great thing was the food wasn't the focus. I didn't come here to eat, I came her to see people and see things.  I found all to my satisfaction.

But Oh My Invisible Purple Unicorn!!!  I am SOOOOOOOOO sore.  My entire body is literally aching and sore right now and I have the beginnings of an awful headache. (Which will shortly be cut off by some of the best medication for headaches! Advil!!!--hey... I wouldn't mind an endorsement!)  However, it brings to mind an interesting point that AM pointed out on our travels.

I CAN MOVE!!!

When we're at home, I resist moving. It is nearly impossible to cajole me into an hour long walk, or even to walk to the grocery store.  Getting on the Wii takes promises of chocolate and doing the Tai Chi video takes promises of some good red wine.  I get snarky and complain that I don't want to, and you can't make me!

I have noticed that, while I'm not actual losing weight lately, I am losing my pain.  I used to have to sit on a walk around campus. My back would cramp up, followed by my calves tightening and I would absolutely need a rest. That is beginning to go away though and this year, I started the school year with a nearly non-stop walk around school because I needed to.

Friday, AM and I touristed our way around New York.  I walked for countless hours around the Museum of Natural History.  I strolled through (and got slightly lost) in Central Park, and we wandered around Times Square and then walked up to Broadway and then walked to Penn Station.  Yesterday, I went to a wedding reception and danced for hours!!  Today I plan on walking around Philadelphia to learn about the birth of our great nation!

If I was at home, I would have never moved this much! I would never have done this much!  I feel amazing (if not incredibly, painfully tired!) because of the high that this vacation gave me.  I love it!  Which brings me to my topic.

At home, I think that I won't have the energy to move around. I get home, I want to sit in front of the television or sit in front of the computer.  I will get up and maybe move to make dinner, but I won't work out, I won't go for walks because I am "too tired" to do anything.  I do not want to move.  I feel that my energy levels are absolutely drained as soon as I get home from work. This was my Perceived Energy.

But they're not! That is just what I think!  This idea that I have a finite amount of energy and that I cannot move is crap!  Proven by this weekend, there is so much that I am capable of!  I can walk for hours. I can get out and get up and do things! I have the energy in spite of my weight. In fact, with this new found knowledge, I have the power to make myself better.  This is my Actual Energy.

And I realized I have more Actual Energy than I have Perceived Energy.  I can do a lot of things in my life if I start looking at my Perceived Energy and considering my Actual Energy levels and try to make them match up more often.  It may make me feel more exhausted, but eventually, my Perceived Energy will increase because I will learn that I can do that much more.  And as my Perceived Energy goes up and I begin to lose weight, my Actual Energy will probably increase as well.  So, I've decided once a year (at least) I will come out to the East Coast and test my energy level and find out how much Actual Energy I have gained and adjust my life accordingly.

This should be a fun experiment! So, gentle reader, this is a consideration for you.  What is your Actual Energy (the amount of energy you can expend on things that you want to do) and what is your Perceived Energy (what you only think you can do).  You may find yourself surprised!

Until next time,

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?

AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer.  Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:

Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.

Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.

I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it.  I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.

I'm also a sucker for good advertising.  Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item.  I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost".  I love to buy things.

Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware.  Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides.  Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off.  (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless.  I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).

Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands.  We coveted that shiny metal cookware.  We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.

And then we went to the State Fair.  And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware.  Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware.  It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying.  He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables.  We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices.  We had to have this cookware!

So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it.  Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed.  I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.

It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new.  I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair.  I succeeded in burning the pan.  A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...

Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food.  Chicken without any seasonings is amazing!  Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic.  I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.

Now, I want to learn to really cook!  I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water.  AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado.  It all looks really great!

In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase.  So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too.  This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life.  With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right,  I have no doubts that I will test that claim.

Here's to our health!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Episode 62: Low Carb

AM has been talking to me a lot about this new book that he is reading called Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It by Gary Taubes.  In this book it talks about good foods and bad foods, and apparently most of the foods that are "bad" for you are full of carbs, full of sugar.  I haven't read the whole book, but I probably will, and it got me thinking about my favorite foods.  I adore chocolate, and ice cream and caramel sauce.  I adore bread and pasta, and cupcakes and little tiny apple pies.  Apparently, I need to learn to give these up. Ugh.

My doctor, on the other hand, tells me that I should only eat meat once a month.  "Once a month!" I bellow.  "That will never happen!"  I eat eggs for breakfast every morning. I eat bacon, and I love steak.  The blood bank keeps telling me that I am slightly anemic and I often get turned down because of a low iron count.

So, if I take both Taubes's advice and my doctor's advice, all I can really eat is vegetables.  Lots and lots of vegetables.  Not to make fun of vegetables or anything, but.. um.. no.  I am not going to eat nothing but vegetables.  If I wanted to be thought of as really strange, I could one of those "take my energy from the sun" sort of people who refuse to do anything but drink water.  But I'm not that strange.

I will continue to eat carbs, though I will limit them.  I will continue to eat meat, though maybe I could buy some more white meat and perhaps some leaner cuts of beef.  I will continue to eat my 2 eggs a day and my yogurt with honey in the morning.  I will eat what I like, but I will not over indulge. If I am full, I will stop eating. I will eat what I like, but I will be moderate, temperate and happy.  I don't like the idea of denying myself, but I can limit myself and I can learn to enjoy the foods that I eat.

I hope you all find the finer things in your life to enjoy.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Monday, May 28, 2012

Episode 61: Experimentation

Yesterday I posted about how I'm cooking from scratch and how I'm learning to cook with fresh ingredients and whole foods.  Here is an example of what I made!  

A while ago, for Christmas, AM got me a great little book called Cutie Pies.  My cousin, John, decided to make an apple pie this week, and it sounded so good (and I am too far away from Arizona to go and try his), I decided to make my own.

Rather than go with the traditional apple pie and crust, since I don't even think I am capable of latticing a crust as well as John, I chose to make a Sour Cream Apple Pie.  The recipe can be found here Sour Cream Apple Pie Deluxe, with a few minor tweaks.  Rather than use sour cream, which I don't actually have any of, I used plain full fat yogurt.  This added a bit of a tang that was really taken care of by the sugar in the mix. A pretty good addition, I think.  Instead of using white sugar in the topping, I used brown sugar, which is my favorite sugar. 

The pie crust I got from the Cutie Pies book and used a 6 inch pie shape to cut the pie crusts, which I pushed into buttered muffin tins.  Added the filling and the topping, and put in a 375 degree oven.  I checked on the pies every 5 minutes or so, and it took about 25 minutes for the crust to get golden brown and the topping to set just right.

AM says they're wonderful, and went back for seconds (which he split with me), and we have 9 little pies left over in the fridge for a future dessert craving.  

Yay for little pies!

May you find your own world to experiment with this week. Let me know what you've done to free some creativity!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Episode 60: Nature

I was up at 6am going to the grocery store to buy milk.  As I walked back to my apartment in the cool morning air, my bag laden with milk, butter, brown sugar, bread and apples, I stopped for a moment and looked around me.  The air was crisp and there was dew hanging from a spider's web on a nearby rose bush.   The grass was lush and green and sparkling.  The sky was blue, as it is often here in California, and everything seemed to be at peace.  Even the birds seemed happier.  And I've noticed... I've been having more and more of these moments.  I will stop and think and wonder at the beauty of nature, the brilliance of everything around me, and I will be happy.

Lately, AM and I have been eating healthier.  Less processed foods, less junk.  We watch the sugars on foods that we buy like yogurt, and we don't buy diet foods (except Lo-Carb Monsters... because caffeine is essential).  More often than not, we will make things at home, using natural and fresher ingredients, and I am finally finally learning to cook in a way that is healthy.  I'm not losing weight, but I am not gaining weight either and my body feels a lot healthier and trimmer.  We use whole milk, full fat yogurts, real butter, real eggs, lean cuts of meat and vegetables. Every meal must have some sort of vegetables or fruit... or at least we try to make that happen.

Yesterday's lunch was tortillas with tomato basil hummus and feta cheese.  Very yummy.  This morning we are going German with some German puffed pancakes and apple slices.  I haven't made German pancakes in ages, and they used to be my sister and my favorite food when we were kids.  I'm using the half recipe here German Pancakes, and slicing up some apples and mixing them with brown sugar and baking them down a little bit until they are tender.  Should be great! I'll let you know how they turn out.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday morning and stay happy and healthy!

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Episode 57: Point-less

A confession: Since AM has been here, I haven't really been counting points.  I haven't been eating awfully,and we are keeping each other on task for exercise and walking and being healthy.  I haven't been following the Weight Watcher's way, and I haven't been going to meetings, or even really weighing in.

But... I feel healthier.  I am happy.  I admit, my weight has always been a bit of a hassle for me, a bit of a sore spot, and it's not like I don't care about it, but I am happier and I think healthier even if I'm not really paying attention to points.  I eat my vegetables with (nearly) every meal. Instead of candy bars and carbs in my desk, I keep a small container of nuts and dried fruit next to my projector at school and munch a bit while my students are working.  Instead of ice cream every night (I was incredibly addicted to Drumsticks for a while), I grab a mandarin orange out of the basket on our table.

Don't get me wrong, I do still eat ice cream and brownies. I still make mini pies for dinner (bacon, mushroom and cheddar are my favorites), but I'm not constantly craving it anymore.  I'm not constantly in need of something sweet.  I do enjoy it from time to time, but my cravings are starting to go away.

I am watching my carb intake, and my sugar intake (although the White Chocolate Mocha I just had at Starbucks probably would kill any Atkins subscriber immediately), but I'm not starving myself, I'm not feeling deprived.  I feel healthier than I have in a really long time.  I do sort of envy the people who start and continue a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or even Atkins.  These are things I just don't have the mental toughness and will power to follow through on.  So, I will just keep on keeping on, making healthier choices without really depriving myself and I will just learn to be happier.  I"m learning that happiness, in the long run, means more to me than food.

I am finding other things to be happy about:  my Nook, my wonderful boyfriend, a shared meal at the dinner table, a good conversation.  I will always be thankful that AM has brought these things into my life. (Ok... ok... enough sappy romance.)

I will continue with my weight loss journey.  I will lose weight, but I will not obsess over it.  I will eat healthier foods (and share them with you, oh obscure reader).  I will strive to lead a healthier, happier, more active lifestyle.  For now, I leave with one parting thought:

It is not how much you weigh that will be weighed in the balance at the end of your life. Friends and family will not judge you on how large your casket is, but how large your heart was.  Be kind, gentle reader, to those around you.  It is the greatest measure of a person.

With love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Weighing in on: Division in our country

 I know that I started this as a weight loss/health blog, but I think it's just going to become my blog. Just me and my random-ass thoug...