Lighthouse Keeper

  Lately, I've been thinking about this poem that was written back in college, not by me, but by a good friend of mine, Jaye. I'm going to put it here in its entirety because it matters to know what it's about, and it's good words. (formatting is mine)

I am the Lighthouse Keeper.

I live in the Lighthouse, 

Cold, Alone and Waiting

Waiting for the ships to return.

I am the only one left who remembers

when those ships were in port.

One by one they left

Different destinations

But all away from here

Here I stay Here I stand Waiting

I have the list of the names of those ships

I kept tabs on their destinations

I am proud of those boats

I am proud of their journeys

Some traveled across the sevens seas

And carry the circus to towns

One is now private and hosts parties for

the best of Broadway

Some now show other boats 

how to move

Some still wander searching what to do

Some have been updated

Some have been destroyed

I swear one day they'll all come back

That's why I can not leave

For some one must be here

To make sure they're safe,

they're happy, they're proud

For although this boat doesn't leave

and this boat is now rusted

And all the others don't stop moving

And never get rust

I love each and every one

And I will wait for them

right here

For some are destined for greatness

Some find it by chance

Some help others make it

And one must stay behind

One must keep the light on 

So the others can find their way home

So they can come back

enjoy their time together

remember old times

catch up on what's been happening

And hopefully they won't stay

"That poor guy, stuck here all this time,

all these years"

Hopefully they'll thank me

for keeping the lighthouse on.

For I am the Lighthouse Keeper

I've been thinking a lot about this poem lately, which was written probably close to twenty years ago.  

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I've been in my profession for 20 years. I've been working as an English teacher at Stagg High School for 19 years. I have watched people come and go my entire life, and here I sit, hanging on, hoping others will come back to me someday, just to say hi.

I'm not a favorite teacher very often, but I know that I'm liked. I had a student today tell me that I'm his favorite teacher because I try to relate to my students. I said thank you, and he laughed and said "No, I'm really serious. Like-- you try to listen to us!", and I can't imagine being a teacher who doesn't listen to their students and let them talk to you. But, I am here - being a teacher. 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I am here in Stockton, and I don't see me really going anywhere. In spite of the moniker of "Most Miserable City" (Thanks Forbes), and "Murder Capitol" (which I don't think we are) I love my city. I love its diversity. The diversity of the people, the diversity of the opinions, but especially the diversity in restaurants. I can go 4 blocks in any direction from where I am and find Indian food, a few sushi places, a poke salad place, a few Italian restaurants, a decent(ish) diner, a mom and pop hot dog store and even a Panera.  On my drive home from work there is quite a diversity of food - even if I need to cook at home more often.

I've been here in this apartment for the last ten years. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life, but I've (almost) always lived in Stockton, and the neighborhood I'm in now is wonderful. Maybe not the quietest all the time, but a good apartment, the people are friendly and the noisiest it gets is around the 4th of July. The walk around the complex is a quarter mile track, the leaves are just beginning to turn brown and the sparse lawn between the buildings 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I feel like the Lighthouse Keeper of the poem, I have watched everybody move away and wander to find their destiny. My students, my friends, my lovers. They all go off to find their fortune in the world, and I watch them, and wish for the best for them in everything, hoping that once in a while they look back with fondness on me and maybe think to say "Hi" once in a while, knowing that I think of them fondly. 

Episode 59: Cloud Bank

There are clouds over Stockton today.  As the criminologist would say, they are heavy, black... but maybe not so pendulous.  But I can see the edges of the clouds, and I can see the blue sky just beyond that rim of moisture.  The edges of the clouds are white, and if I look up with an anchoring point, like a telephone pole or a tree, I can see this cloud bank that hangs heavily over my life beginning to shift and move away.

That is how I feel lately, like I am under a huge black cloud that threatens rain. A storm cloud seems to be hanging over me constantly.  I feel like this cloud bank has been there for years.  Rain has been coming on and off in my life, and it feels like the bleakest hour, and I have been just waiting around for the sky to open up and rain to fall on my head.  I kept myself protected, I kept myself safe, and got used to this little black storm for years.  I even felt that it was what I needed, what I deserved and eventually came to the conclusion that it was what I wanted, what was right for me.

But now, I am seeing the edge of my own little black cloud bank.  I can see the sunlight, just beyond that white line.  I don't know what waits for me beyond, in the sunlight, but I can see real true happiness coming for me in the promise of no more rain.  Not saying that there won't be the occasional storm, because everybody needs a little rain from time to time to clean out the system, but I think that my life is going to get a lot sunnier soon.

To get ready for this new, sunshine filled life I am beginning to blossom, or as one of my long distance friends says, I am beginning to make my way out of my chrysalis.  I am signing up for classes, going out of my way to meet people and sometimes talk to them.  I smile more at people, and find that if you smile at someone and give them a cheery "Good day!", they will often smile back and respond in kind.  I really really like people, and I don't feel as scared anymore.

I live in one of the most crime filled places in the United States.  We recently had, in my city, our twenty first and twenty second homicides, one where a man was gunned down in the streets.  We have a horrible reputation, and cities that surround us often try to avoid us.  But I don't see that violence, I don't see that crime. I look in people's faces and often see potential for some sort of good in the world, some sort of happiness.  I hope I never have to lose that outlook.  Our news programs and media often highlight the violence, the terror, the fear and the hate that goes on around us, because fear is a real emotion that we all can experience.  By bringing these awful horrible things to the front of everybody's mind, they create fear and the masses don't realize that they are being emotionally manipulated to stay inside, lock up their children, keep them indoors watching more media, more fear, more hate.  It is very rare to see the sunlight in the news anymore, in the world anymore because all we see is the dark storm clouds overhead, and don't look for the edge where everything is going to be better, if we just look up and see that the storm clouds are moving away from us.

Smile at someone today, and say "Good Day" to them. See if they don't smile back.  It makes a world of difference to someone, sometimes.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn