Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Episode 83: My tools

My school year has finished up.  The grading and the reading and the meetings that have kept me from blogging and writing and just finding my place in the world are over and I can be selfish... at least for a little while.

For the next two weeks, I will covet my time, since little of it will be mine. The little bit of time I get to myself, such as now, in the early morning hours, I will cherish.  I will use this time to clean up my office (which badly needs it), work on some craft projects and read and rest and reflect and hopefully do a lot more writing.  I want to do morning pages. I want to read Sophie's World.  I want to get healthy, not just physically, but also mentally.  I want to be able to dance at my wedding, play with my eventual children and live a good long, healthy and happy life.  And I can do it, with the help of some tools that I need to pick up again.

Tools are good things. They help you maintain, reflect, become better.  I am a a huge supporter of tools, and I use a few on a semi-regular basis.  Well.. anybody who really knows me knows that I do very little out of habit or on a regular basis.  I can't even really seem to remember to take my meds every day.  Hmmm

Anyway, here are a few of my tools that I have picked up as I go along my merry way...

Tool One: My big pink notebook. AM calls it my "bible" and it's sort of an apt description.  I keep everything in there. It has 5 sections right now.  The first is my planner, second is food stuffs, third is blog ideas and random writings, fourth is wedding stuffs, and fifth is financial stuffs.  If I lose the thing, I won't be able to remember anything.  It has a nice loop for my pink fountain pen and it is wonderful.  I carry it with me nearly everywhere, though it does need to get cleaned out and replaced sooner or later... probably sooner.

Tool Two: My pen.  I have a hot pink Levenger True Writer fountain pen with Hope Pink ink in it.  (you may be noticing a trend.. it is my favorite color).  I almost put Morning Pages as my second tool, but I don't really write them as habitually as I am supposed to. One of my summer goals that I will be writing about in a later post (probably tomorrow).  My pink pen, like my pink notebook, goes with me everywhere.  It is a reminder that I am supposed to write.  It is a reminder that I can jot down a note and my weird kinesthetic brain will remember it more readily than just reading it or asking someone else to remind me.

Tool Three: Our big freakin' white boards.  We have two in the house. One of them is our calendar, which we write up every month and our To Do List for that month. It hangs next to our front door in a prominent place near the table in the kitchen. The other, much more neglected one, is in my office, full of project ideas that never really get done.  I have to work on this this summer.

Took Four: My phone.  In this day and age, I couldn't live without my phone. AM is constantly saying that I am always on my phone and I'm afraid he's right. I use my phone to help track everything.  It is my backup calendar which I coordinate with the planner in my pink notebook. It my food tracker, my mood tracker, my link to other people through Facebook.  I use a few fitness apps, and am trying out new ones all the time (most of them are free).

My final and Fifth (and best) tool: AM and my friends circle.  I cannot say how much these people have helped me.  From my online big brother, RO, to our Stockton Writer's Group, I have so much support.  Having a live in personal trainer and personal chef helps, as AM is constantly helping me be a better person and reminding me that I am so much more than I think I am and I can do so much more than I think can.  These people have helped me and made my life amazing.  They are supportive and give me great suggestions and kudos and high fives and big hugs and I appreciate and love them all for it.

Anywaysssss.... before I get too sappy... I am going back to bed.  I walked 3.74 miles yesterday and I am SO feeling it right now.  Now that I'm off for the summer, I plan on making writing part of my regime, as well as some reading, some exercising and a lot of snuggling from my wonderful AM! :)

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 78: The Return of Wegetarian Wednesdays!

MM.. Wegetarian Wednesdays.  Where we wander through culinary bliss into the realm of the meatless.  We eat bean soups and spinach salads and sometimes a Trader Joe's Roasted Veggie pizza, if we're being particularly lazy.  The idea of Wegetarian Wednesdays came with the more frequent trips to the farmers markets, a reason to use up some of our market produce and it just felt right.

I like doing Wegetarian Wednesday on a Wednesday because it's the middle of the week. Some people prefer something like "Meatless Mondays" where they feel better about themselves after gorging all weekend by reasserting the diet mythos of "Oh, I will start over on Monday", which means that if you screw up on a Thursday afternoon, you have three free days of gorging yourself into oblivion which you can excuse by saying "Oh, it's ok. I'm starting a diet on Monday".  The point of Wegetarian Wednesdays isn't to start over, but to rededicate yourself.  If you slipped up a little on Tuesday, don't give up, but eat healthier.  That way you have Thursday, Friday and Saturday and you can go "I survived until Wednesday, why give up now?"  Wednesday is that hump in the road, that road block that we have to hurtle past into the unknown realms of diethood, where we can keep our heads held high and say "No, I ate Vegetarian last night.  I don't need that piece of Thursday morning bagel, and I don't have to take part in that Friday morning box of doughnuts that my boss just brought in. I have more willpower than that!"

Tonight's Wegetarian Wednesday was bean soup, which will get posted tomorrow for recipe Thursday.  It was a good thick hearty soup that was delicious.  I've noticed lately that a lot of our vegetarian meals sort of revolve around the idea of beans.  Beans for protein or beans just as a filling substitute to something that would normally be meat.  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with beans, and they certainly made a delicious meal tonight, but there has to be more out there. 

AM and I switch off making meals every other night.  He is training and reading up on being a chef since he is going to culinary school, but I like to cook too, so every other night (well... hopefully), I am cooking. That means in an average month, I am preparing about 2 vegetarian dishes a month.  I need more variety with less starch.

So, I call out to you, gentle reader.  Help me increase my repertoire of vegetarian meals into my beautiful pink Arc planner, so that I can create a wonderful cookbook and have a whole slew of meals to create that will satisfy our tastebuds and our budget and not be just another bean soup or salad.

Hoping to hear from you soon...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S.  I hope I never have to type Wednesday that many times ever again! :)

Episode 71: Challenge accepted

This is me. I weigh, as of this picture of me, standing on a scale, 307.0 pounds. Not the heaviest that I have been, but not the lightest by a long shot. 20 years ago, I weighed half of what I do now. That half, around 150 is my goal. It's not ideal or optimal and it would make my doctor's eyebrows crease on that way that they do to know that I don't plan on my "official" body weight being within "normal BMI limitations for a so called 'healthy' person."  I don't care if I'm not stick thin or absolutely gorgeous. I care that I am healthy enough to chase around my eventual children.  So, here I am, at a friend's house accepting a month long weight loss challenge.  The winner gets a pot of gold and a leprechaun to dance around on it.  Ok, well, maybe I'm wrong about the leprechaun, but there is treasure at the end of this adventure, for she or he who loses the highest percentage of their body mass. I'm gonna try.

I post this picture for a few reasons. One, to motivate me to get my ass moving, and off the couch.  I look awful and I look fat and I have bingo curtains. I mean really!! BINGO CURTAINS!! I cannot believe I let myself get this big.  I post this picture because I am ashamed of the way that I look. I am ashamed of who and what I have become over the years through unhealthy eating, lack of movement and a great deal of depression that I haven't been willing or able to accept over the years.

Another reason I post this picture is because it is real. I am not hiding behind a gorgeous, thin avatar. I am not trying to be someone I am not and I am not trying to fool myself any longer. In my head, I am a much much thinner person, but I have to honest with myself about who I am and what I look like if I want to start to lose the weight. I can't fool myself and eat another doughnut or have another soda thinking "oh, I can work this off later."  It's not going to happen. I have to put down the carbs and be realistic about how I got here in the first place and how I am going to get myself out of it.  I packed on this weight, this fat, this body and it took me years to do it. It is going to take me a long time to get it off, but putting it on took a lot of work too.

The last reason I post this picture now is that it will be different in a month's time.  When I weigh in again in 31 days, at the end of the challenge, my friend, TechnoDude (henceforth referred to as TD) will take another picture of me and I will post that one too and I will be able to see the awesomeness shining through under a much thinner layer of fat.  I don't expect it all to go away in a month, but a month is a good start for starting new habits.

Look out world, here I come!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 66: Putting Color Into Life

Today we went to the Farmer's Market behind the Weberstown Mall.  We got up, even before breakfast, put on clothes, braved the cold, crisp morning (at 8:45) and went out to see what sort of fresh produce they had for us today.  What you see in the picture is what we bought.  Fresh veggies, raspberry jams and some pomegranates.  They are all glorious (and barely fit in our tiny tiny apartment fridge).  The plan is to make some really awesome veggie soup, since we're on a type of Weight Watchers.

 In fact, I'm sort of cheating.  I have no money and very little resources to rejoin Weight Watchers at this time, but I have all of my old book and all of my old program stuff, so we're using these as resources, with some help from some web sources, to create our own version of Weight Watchers.  I haven't given up on the whole milk or the whole fat yogurt, as they seem to be better for my digestion than the low fat stuff (I don't get nearly as may ucky tummies), but we are adding many more veggies and things to our diet.  I feel healthier.  According to my Wii, I have lost about 5 pounds in the last two weeks.

Just looking at that picture makes me happy!  The colors, the vibrancy, and I've noticed that since we have been eating better, cleaning our apartment more often and working out a bit more, my whole life seems to be coated in this new vibrant color.  A year or more ago, I was feeling kind of in the doldrums.  I lived in a beautiful place, I had everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't satisfying. I was unhappy.  I was overweight. I was lazy and in pain and everything seemed like crap.  I was taking medication for bipolar disorder and it wasn't helping much.  And the food I was eating was awful!  Looking back at my Weight Watcher's books from a year ago, I was eating fast food daily.  One day was Wendys. One day was Subway. One day was Taco Bell.  Fried foods, foods full of fat, foods full of fillers. These were the things that I was putting into my body, and my body fought back with depression, acne and weight gain.

Now I eat what you see on the table.  Fresh fruits, fresh veggies. I make my own breads sometimes.

 I take a vitamin daily, and I cook my own food. I have even, on occasion, made my own butter (which is absolutely delicious!)  I know exactly what goes in my food. If I write down a recipe, or a list of ingredients, I can pronounce every single one of them.  I still eat meat, though we do have our Wegitarian Wednesdays, and Pizza Fridays (our one little concession to the "how do you pronounce that?" foods).  We will eat out, but we go places where we can eat healthfully.  We found this great little sushi place (at Sherwood Mall, no less) that makes great rolls and you can watch them make them, so we know exactly what goes into them.  All of these things have greatly improved the quality of my life.

I plan on keeping up with this blog some more.  I want to write and keep track.  I want to post about how I organize my life, how I make it can make it better, and how I have learned to enjoy a life lived in less space and fewer calories but much more enriched.  I'll post some of my recipes that we have found particularly yummy, some ideas for keeping life organized, and my adventures of jumping off the high dive of life and just, well... Weighting in the Deep End!

Keeping happy and healthy!

ToryLynn

Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?

AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer.  Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:

Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.

Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.

I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it.  I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.

I'm also a sucker for good advertising.  Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item.  I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost".  I love to buy things.

Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware.  Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides.  Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off.  (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless.  I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).

Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands.  We coveted that shiny metal cookware.  We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.

And then we went to the State Fair.  And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware.  Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware.  It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying.  He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables.  We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices.  We had to have this cookware!

So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it.  Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed.  I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.

It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new.  I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair.  I succeeded in burning the pan.  A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...

Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food.  Chicken without any seasonings is amazing!  Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic.  I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.

Now, I want to learn to really cook!  I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water.  AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado.  It all looks really great!

In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase.  So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too.  This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life.  With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right,  I have no doubts that I will test that claim.

Here's to our health!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!

Episode 62: Low Carb

AM has been talking to me a lot about this new book that he is reading called Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It by Gary Taubes.  In this book it talks about good foods and bad foods, and apparently most of the foods that are "bad" for you are full of carbs, full of sugar.  I haven't read the whole book, but I probably will, and it got me thinking about my favorite foods.  I adore chocolate, and ice cream and caramel sauce.  I adore bread and pasta, and cupcakes and little tiny apple pies.  Apparently, I need to learn to give these up. Ugh.

My doctor, on the other hand, tells me that I should only eat meat once a month.  "Once a month!" I bellow.  "That will never happen!"  I eat eggs for breakfast every morning. I eat bacon, and I love steak.  The blood bank keeps telling me that I am slightly anemic and I often get turned down because of a low iron count.

So, if I take both Taubes's advice and my doctor's advice, all I can really eat is vegetables.  Lots and lots of vegetables.  Not to make fun of vegetables or anything, but.. um.. no.  I am not going to eat nothing but vegetables.  If I wanted to be thought of as really strange, I could one of those "take my energy from the sun" sort of people who refuse to do anything but drink water.  But I'm not that strange.

I will continue to eat carbs, though I will limit them.  I will continue to eat meat, though maybe I could buy some more white meat and perhaps some leaner cuts of beef.  I will continue to eat my 2 eggs a day and my yogurt with honey in the morning.  I will eat what I like, but I will not over indulge. If I am full, I will stop eating. I will eat what I like, but I will be moderate, temperate and happy.  I don't like the idea of denying myself, but I can limit myself and I can learn to enjoy the foods that I eat.

I hope you all find the finer things in your life to enjoy.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 56: Rebirth

Hi! 

I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose.  Well, mostly bliss anyway.  Things are good... for the most part.

Except my weight.

I seem to have reached some sort of plateau.  I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.

This needs to stop.

So, Easter is coming up.  I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion.  That being said, Easter is an interesting time.  It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals.  But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking. 

Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year.  Their God is reborn after three days.  I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.

I need to get back on track.  I need to be counting points, spending time exercising.  Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking.  We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company.  We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza.  (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures).  We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful!  And we walked so much!!

And when we got home... we felt it!  I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often.  Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system.  So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.

Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points.  Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you.  Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places).  Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing.  Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list. 

But they need to be.  I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either.  If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure.  My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on.  If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet.  It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.

The last part of my rebirth is my blog.  I need to start blogging again.  I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it.  I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately.  I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it.  This is (mostly) for me.

I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating.  I am a responsible adult.  I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.

Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 55: Renouncing my citizenship

I, ToryLynn, hereby renounce my citizenship to the Fast Food Nation.

AM and I have been mostly avoiding the fast food since he moved out here, and because both of us were not feeling very well, we decided that we would skip making dinner at home (which we have been very good about) and have fast food.  So, we looked through the adverts for something to eat and found that Carl's Jr. had a 2 for $5 deal on Western Bacon Cheeseburgers.  These are awesome hunks of meat topped with bacon, barbecue sauce and an onion ring.  We ordered some criss-cut fries to go with it, and went home.

Now lately, I have been eating a mostly healthier diet: Tortillas with a bit of butter and cheese, Vietnamese soup with vegetables, baked chicken with mashed potatoes.  I hadn't though, however, that I had gotten so far from my former grease laden diet and I thought I would be fine.  I was soooo wrong.

Almost immediately after eating the fast food, wave after wave of nausea flowed over me. My skin felt like I had bathed in bacon grease, and the meat wad that was my dinner weighed heavily in my stomach.  I was not fine.  And then I thought back on what I had been eating lately.  No McDonald's, no Burger King, no Wendy's.  These were all things that had been a staple in my diet and I remembered calling EH very often on my way home and asking what I should pick up on the way home for dinner.  I don't do that anymore. If I call on the way home from work, it is now so that I can tell AM that he needs to get dressed and I'm picking him up to go grocery shopping, or go to the mall for a walk, or we will go out for Non-fat yogurt with some toasted coconut. (Ok.. ok.. so the chocolate syrup is probably not the best thing to add to it, but it's SOO yummy!)  Fast food with all of its grease and carbs and meat wads just isn't something I eat much of anymore.

So, because of this, I am renouncing my citizenship to the Fast Food Nation. No longer will I hold thrall to the  sticky greasy fries and filler packed meat of a hamburger with no vegetables except the rehydrated onions and  pickles.  I will no longer be enthralled by potatoes that have been chopped and drowned in oils and salted to near unrecognizableness.  If I can help it, I will no longer stop off for foods that I know will clog my arteries and raise my blood pressure, and if I do, I will try to make healthier choices and find foods that may actually have vegetables in them and which aren't drowned in oils and salt.

That isn't saying that I am completely giving up on some foods.  KFC, for instance, is always a favorite of mine, but on the healthiness of fast food, isn't all that bad when paired with something like corn on the cob or even mashed potatoes.  I will occasionally enjoy a slushy or even a milkshake.  But I will make better choices.

In other, rather health related news, my blood tests all came back good. No cholesterol problems, no thyroid problems, my blood sugar is within normal limits.  I am healthy, though I am large.  More exercise (Today is my 1000th day of using Wii Fit, though I have large period of non-use, I started using it 1000 days ago and have been at least doing a body test daily for the last week and half or so), less fatty foods and lots of happy  thoughts will keep me living long and healthily.  Won't you all join me?

With love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 54: Starbucks Sunday

It is a beautiful day today.  The sun is shining, leaving golden streaks of light across the floors, there is soft music playing over the loud speakers and the woosh and swirl of coffee drinks being made fill the air as well as the chatter of my fellow diners.  My keyboard clicks pleasantly, and the cares of my week sort of melt away.  It is Starbucks Sunday, and I sit in my neighborhood Starbucks, typing up a new blog post and enjoying the companionship of AM.

It's funny sitting here, drinking my Grande Skinny Cafe Mocha (which we figured at 4 points) and eating my Noah's Everything Bagel Thin with Garlic Cream Cheese and Lox (7 points), for a satisfying, healthyish breakfast.  AM really fell into my Sunday morning routine pretty quickly, and nearly every other day of the week, is trying to feed me healthy foods like vegetables (gasp!) and fruits (swoon!) and even... even.. some Pho soup, which he makes pretty well! 

The last couple of weeks haven't been entirely good for my diet though.  My birthday came and went with two different chocolate cakes (I totally *don't* recommend the Chewy Fudge Bistro Cake from Safeway if you aren't prepared to die in a decadent chocolate heaven and want to eat the entire thing in one evening... which I did with the help of a few of my friends) and Valentine's Day as well as one of my students selling Girl Scout cookies.  Thin Mints are evil little minions of the diet devils!  AM finally hid the box of cookies for me on the top shelf of our kitchen storage in a place that I can't get to unless I use the foot stool. So, they are safe for now.  

So, we are rededicating ourselves to the idea of tracking points again, reading articles on the Weight Watchers website, and doing Wii Fit and walking to melt off the weight.  It is just as easy to buy and eat healthy food as it is to buy and eat junk food. There is a sign at the Weight Watchers that says "If you don't buy it, you can't eat it" and I was looking at that sign and thinking about how that is so true. If I don't buy the healthy foods, I can't eat healthy foods and get myself better.  If I don't buy the junk foods, I won't eat them because they won't be at my house.  I think that's a fairly good idea.  And with time, I will start to look at the vegetable aisle more than the cookie aisle; I will start to scope out the flavored waters instead of the Monsters; I will make a berry cobbler rather than a whole tray of cinnamon rolls.  I will be a healthier, happier person... and I will love myself more for it.

I have been eating a lot healthier than I was before, and amazingly enough, I am seeing the rewards.  My skin is clearer, my moods aren't fluctuating nearly as rapidly, and I can almost say that my bipolar disorder is a thing of the past.  I still get sad, and I still get happy, but everything seems so much more controllable. 

I am happy... and that is the best thing in the world.  Thank you to all of my friends and family for helping me to take care of myself.  Thanks most to AM who is helping me be a better person.  

Love, lollipops and hugs!

ToryLynn

P.S. I do plan on posting more often.  Hopefully I can get back to nearly daily updates.  I have a lot to think about and.. Spring Break in 2 weeks! Woot woot!!

Episode 52: Hiatus Over!

This blog was meant to record my weight loss journey, and quickly became just a place for me to talk about my life, my divorce, new love and getting myself back in order.  The last three weeks or so have been crazy in the "not caring about what I eat or taking care of myself at all" end, but food has definitely taken center stage in the last few weeks.  Such delicious, wonderful food.

So, on the 7th, I picked up AM from SFO and really, we have been eating up a storm ever since he landed! Bubba Gump's, Dante's Pizza, Ghirardelli (for breakfast on a Sunday morning.. mmm)... well... let's say they haven't been good for my waistline.  In the last two weeks, I have gained almost 6 pounds.  Ugh... time to get back to writing down everything I eat and start looking at the way that I eat.  I guess you can't live like a teenager forever.

It's not that eating right when I'm with someone is difficult.  I can make healthy meals and share them.  I have kind of taken to ordering great meals, and sharing them with someone now.  The problem is that I am not keeping track of what I am eating, and I am not really ordering the lowest point food on the menu.  I have been eating a lot of high calorie foods that just aren't good for me.

On the other hand, I have also been discovering a new love for some foods I would have never thought to try before.  One night we tried Vietnamese food, specifically a place called "Pho Lucky" which has wonderful noodle soup and some really great sweet and sour pork. I probably didn't need the sweet and sour pork, but every time I go to any place with Asian cuisine, I have to order sweet and sour pork. It is the touchstone I use to judge.  They have really awesome sweet and sour pork. The batter is light and fluffy and the sauce isn't drowning the pork, but rather lightly poured on so that you can try the pork without any sauce as well.  It's awesome!

Pho has been the only cuisine I have really discovered that I haven't tried yet, but we do plan on having different cuisines that are new to me, including Thai, Indian, and Japanese hibachi, and a few others that I can't really think of right now.

So, I am starting a new culinary exploration, but I am also going to try and stick to the diet plan, so if we go out, it will only be once a week.  We will try new foods, old foods and foods we enjoy.  I want to find healthy meals at new places, but also try some of the full fat stuff as well, so this is what I plan.  I am planning on documenting our culinary journeys in this blog, as well as keeping it full of my thoughts on weight loss and life and everything.  When we go out (and it should be limited to maybe once a week instead of once a day), I will take a picture of both of our meals and write a review of how they taste. (AM is ok with me stealing a few bites from his plate for a good cause) and write a blog of the best food places in California.  We plan on going to San Francisco about once a month (definitely for my birthday this year, if anybody wants to hang out), and out to dinner once a week and to Noah's and Starbucks every Sunday morning where we hang out and have bagels, coffee and spend an hour or so writing (until my laptop battery dies).  Altogether, I am having a pretty good existence.  Now.. I need to have a good existence with some healthy food thrown in as well.

I will definitely update this blog at least once a week, if not more often.  For now, know that I am happy, I am safe, I am well nagged, and I am loved.  Life couldn't be better than this. Well, it could if I was about 150 pound lighter and without an ear infection, but those will all pass away into memory and I will be happy, sexy and so blissful they will see me glowing from the Empire State building.

Love and hugs and happy nibbles to all!

Tory

Episode 44: How to open a banana

Ok.. so.. my breakfast of late has been some sort of cereal with soy milk and a banana added.  Quite the healthy eater I am, eh?  

Bananas have always bothered me.  They are difficult to open sometimes, and then you get that weird thing where the top of the banana will fall off or become mushy from all of the trying to open the banana at the stem.  Well... I found this tip, I think in Google+ (and if you don't use G+, you should), for opening bananas easier.  So.. here is a tip.

First, don't start at the stem side. Start at the bottom of the banana. This is the new top. It has a tip.. kinda of a squarish roundish bit at pinnacle. Then, pinch the tip until it pops. It will usually split into two, sometimes three sections.  Grasp these sections and pull back and.. Viola!! Opened banana without having to struggle with the stem!

My work here is done.  Enjoy your bananas with confidence and joy... as they are yummy and fruitful! (and 0 points, for those of you following along on the WW side!)

Have a great day!

ToryLynn

Episode 43: Back to (a new) life

I had planned a different blog post for today, but I forgot what it was. Anyway...

I have to get back on track.  Thanksgiving week really screwed up my diet, and so now, I have to do something about it.  I have to do something about my life.  I have to something about my EVERYTHING! LOL

Ok.. so.. I have six months until my divorce is final.  That is six months to get myself started on a routine, develop some good habits and start making myself healthier and happier, as well as help those around me be healthier and happier too.

I do a lot of complaining to other people about my own problems.  I also do a lot of gushing to other people that I am in love.  It just happens that way.  It is because that is what is on my mind at the time. It's not that I don't listen to other people's problems, and it's not that I don't try to help them if I feel that I can do something for them, but I spend a lot of time talking about myself, and I think I need to stop doing that.  I'ts very selfish.  This is just something that I've noticed about myself.  Now, of course, my blog is different. My blog is very selfish and I can be selfish here... because it is my blog.  I try not to post anything *too* personal here, or rather, not something that everybody in my life knows about (or at least should be caught up about).  I try to post here about my thoughts, but I won't put in details about private stuff, and I try to make sure that I don't get in trouble here.  I have paper journals for writing out stuff like that.

But now, I have six months.  A time frame for a goal.  I think I like that idea.. a sort of deadline for a new life. I'm thinking about joining the Saturday afternoon Stitch n' Bitch group at my local Panera.  I'm thinking about maybe going back into therapy for a while, just to have a professional help me work through stuff. (I have been off my pills for a few months now and I'm feeling incredibly stable. Amazing what growing up can do for your emotional state).  I have more time to myself, to lesson plan and grade and work on becoming the best damned teacher I can be (in spite of my students).  I know that I want to finish a novel in the next six months and start editing it for possible publication.  I need to start writing fiction again... not some inane drabble about my life.

I feel refreshed.. renewed.  Peaceful.

I know I can do this. I have the strength to do anything.  I can pull my friends and loved ones along with me into this new life too, if they want to come for the ride.

Ok.. my ten minutes of writing for the morning are done.  Breakfast is eaten (granola with soy milk and banana), and I have to go start a new day at school.  Three weeks until Winter Break.  Five weeks to pack up my old place and find a new one. I can live with those timelines.

Peace love and happiness to all!

ToryLynn

Episode 37: Brrrrrrr

Ok, so.. is it true that living in a cold place helps you burn fat because you're body is spending so much time trying to keep you warm? Please please please let it be true! I am FREEZING for a good cause, right?

Warm fuzzy socks donned, hoody hooded and coffee cup clutched in slightly icy fingers, I am cold!!  I know that my friends who live anywhere but California are going to laugh at me for complaining that I'm freezing here, when they are dealing with temperatures way below the 40 degrees that is says it is outside, but BRRRRR!!  It is 60 degrees inside my house and I am trying to conserve energy, so I am living with the cold, but I am complaining about it too!  It's not chilly enough to use my fireplace though.

Cleaning up around my apartment and trying to get things done. No diet this week, but I will get back on it next week.  I can stock my fridge with healthy food and eat vegetables and be a grown up. I really can!

Hope this finds you all well and happy!

ToryLynn