Episode 71: Challenge accepted

This is me. I weigh, as of this picture of me, standing on a scale, 307.0 pounds. Not the heaviest that I have been, but not the lightest by a long shot. 20 years ago, I weighed half of what I do now. That half, around 150 is my goal. It's not ideal or optimal and it would make my doctor's eyebrows crease on that way that they do to know that I don't plan on my "official" body weight being within "normal BMI limitations for a so called 'healthy' person."  I don't care if I'm not stick thin or absolutely gorgeous. I care that I am healthy enough to chase around my eventual children.  So, here I am, at a friend's house accepting a month long weight loss challenge.  The winner gets a pot of gold and a leprechaun to dance around on it.  Ok, well, maybe I'm wrong about the leprechaun, but there is treasure at the end of this adventure, for she or he who loses the highest percentage of their body mass. I'm gonna try.

I post this picture for a few reasons. One, to motivate me to get my ass moving, and off the couch.  I look awful and I look fat and I have bingo curtains. I mean really!! BINGO CURTAINS!! I cannot believe I let myself get this big.  I post this picture because I am ashamed of the way that I look. I am ashamed of who and what I have become over the years through unhealthy eating, lack of movement and a great deal of depression that I haven't been willing or able to accept over the years.

Another reason I post this picture is because it is real. I am not hiding behind a gorgeous, thin avatar. I am not trying to be someone I am not and I am not trying to fool myself any longer. In my head, I am a much much thinner person, but I have to honest with myself about who I am and what I look like if I want to start to lose the weight. I can't fool myself and eat another doughnut or have another soda thinking "oh, I can work this off later."  It's not going to happen. I have to put down the carbs and be realistic about how I got here in the first place and how I am going to get myself out of it.  I packed on this weight, this fat, this body and it took me years to do it. It is going to take me a long time to get it off, but putting it on took a lot of work too.

The last reason I post this picture now is that it will be different in a month's time.  When I weigh in again in 31 days, at the end of the challenge, my friend, TechnoDude (henceforth referred to as TD) will take another picture of me and I will post that one too and I will be able to see the awesomeness shining through under a much thinner layer of fat.  I don't expect it all to go away in a month, but a month is a good start for starting new habits.

Look out world, here I come!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 16: Not Eating Enough

Every day I get a certain amount of points that I am supposed to eat.  I remember that it was always so hard to stay under these points, when I previously joined Weight Watchers.  Now... something odd is happening.

I am not eating enough.

I add in my points at the end of the day, look at the total and wonder how I could have eaten so little!  It is a strange feeling indeed.  It is not that I am completely forgetting to eat, because I do eat a pretty steady 3 meals a day.  It is that my meals seem to be getting smaller.. or perhaps it is my appetite.

For instance, AH and I ordered breakfast yesterday as we were both up at 4am, and got Denny's.  Poached eggs, french toast and bacon for me.  A breakfast worth 21 points but... I couldn't eat it all. I couldn't hardly eat half.  I finished the eggs, because I like poached eggs, but only made it through about half of the bacon and 1/3 of the french toast.  I sat looking at the platter, wondering what was wrong that I couldn't finish it.  I used to be able to polish that off no problem without much thought, but for some reason my stomach just couldn't stomach it.  I left half the platter empty and sat wondering why.

I really haven't been eating much lately.  I pick at my food and oftentimes, I just sometimes forget to eat.  I don't know if it is that I am distracted, too busy to do much eating. I don't know if it is that I am not finding myself hungry as often as I used to.  I don't know that my stomach isn't shrinking to much smaller proprotions.  It just seems weird to me.

Another thing is that I'm finding the changes to the plan a bit.. well.. different.  All the fruits I can eat means that I can eat a lot of fruit and not have to worry about points.  I find that rather than grazing on high calorie snacks like potato chips or chocolate, I am picking a grape out of the fruit basket more often than not and eating that instead of heading into the kitchen to find something horrible for me.  I'll peel an orange and leave it open on my desk and nibble on it as absentmindedly as I used to nibble on Chex mix, or something like that.  I love fruit and want to keep lots of it around so that I eat it, but I don't have to count it for anything and I suddenly feel full.

I guess we'll find out if my adventures in undereating will get me any weight loss, but I don't think that it will.  I think that this week may be a bad one at the scale, but we will see.  I need to be healthier and I need to post on this blog more often .

Sorry again for the late post.. it was a late night, but a good one.  Thank you for reading...

ToryLynn