Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Episode 84: My Not so-BFS List!

I saw this on the Nanowrimo forums and I thought I would make one of my own here, so I have a place to keep it.  My BIG, FUN, SCARY List of thing to do.  Now, I know it's getting on towards 2014, but I don't want this to be a list of resolutions. I don't want this to be just one more list of things that I will "try" to do, but a list of things I plan on actually doing, things I can set in motion, make plans for, make a goal for and just.. you know.. be awesome at!  Nanowrimo is sort of the end of the year for me and the beginning of being motivated. If I can write 50,000 words in one month on one story (and not even finish it, but it is there, in a file, waiting to be opened on Martin Luther King Jr. Day where my Writing Monster can cry out "Free at Last" since I have put her away for 6 weeks to let my writing ideas simmer and see what comes to fruition), I can do just about anything I really set my mind to, as long as I break it into smaller chunks.

See, that's the nice thing about Nanowrimo.  I took it day by day. I didn't look at 50,000 words and have a panic attack. I looked at 1667 words a day for 30 days.  So I can't look at the nearly 200 pounds I have to lose as 200 pounds (and believe me, that's a lot of butter!), I can just take it a pound at a time (probably by not eating pounds of butter).

However, this list, this BFS list, is the beginning of the lists, the start, the "Where do I go from here" of lists that may look BIG and SCARY, but will also, ultimately be FUN too!  So, while this list may be a list of BIG things, (though maybe not quite yet a BIG list, I do plan on adding stuff to it), all of these can be broken into smaller, achievable, day by day every day I try this and it works for me goal list.  A list of "I can do it" not.. "I want to do it!"

So, here's my list (in no particular order)

1. Finish my pink and brown quilt that I've been working on since before my divorce.
2. Track my calories and exercise daily.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Record weight, blood pressure, blood sugar and exercise in a chart so I can see my progress.
5. Write an outline for each of the three (so far) books that are in my San Francisco Friends novels.
6. Rewrite/Edit one novel into a publishable draft by August.
7. Work hard and be an awesome teacher!
8. Help my district and my school transition to Common Core Standards and be a great on-campus leader!
9. Help my adorable, loving, wonderful husband get through the next year of college!
10. Complete the next 12 weeks cycle of Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'.
11. Meditate every day.

So, those are things I can do!  Let's get crackin'!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 83: Back at Square One

Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again.  I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body.  But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.

~~end emo rant~~~

OK, so I have backslid.  That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again.  I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been.  The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms.  This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on.  If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.

I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it.  This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out.  So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.

Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 83: My tools

My school year has finished up.  The grading and the reading and the meetings that have kept me from blogging and writing and just finding my place in the world are over and I can be selfish... at least for a little while.

For the next two weeks, I will covet my time, since little of it will be mine. The little bit of time I get to myself, such as now, in the early morning hours, I will cherish.  I will use this time to clean up my office (which badly needs it), work on some craft projects and read and rest and reflect and hopefully do a lot more writing.  I want to do morning pages. I want to read Sophie's World.  I want to get healthy, not just physically, but also mentally.  I want to be able to dance at my wedding, play with my eventual children and live a good long, healthy and happy life.  And I can do it, with the help of some tools that I need to pick up again.

Tools are good things. They help you maintain, reflect, become better.  I am a a huge supporter of tools, and I use a few on a semi-regular basis.  Well.. anybody who really knows me knows that I do very little out of habit or on a regular basis.  I can't even really seem to remember to take my meds every day.  Hmmm

Anyway, here are a few of my tools that I have picked up as I go along my merry way...

Tool One: My big pink notebook. AM calls it my "bible" and it's sort of an apt description.  I keep everything in there. It has 5 sections right now.  The first is my planner, second is food stuffs, third is blog ideas and random writings, fourth is wedding stuffs, and fifth is financial stuffs.  If I lose the thing, I won't be able to remember anything.  It has a nice loop for my pink fountain pen and it is wonderful.  I carry it with me nearly everywhere, though it does need to get cleaned out and replaced sooner or later... probably sooner.

Tool Two: My pen.  I have a hot pink Levenger True Writer fountain pen with Hope Pink ink in it.  (you may be noticing a trend.. it is my favorite color).  I almost put Morning Pages as my second tool, but I don't really write them as habitually as I am supposed to. One of my summer goals that I will be writing about in a later post (probably tomorrow).  My pink pen, like my pink notebook, goes with me everywhere.  It is a reminder that I am supposed to write.  It is a reminder that I can jot down a note and my weird kinesthetic brain will remember it more readily than just reading it or asking someone else to remind me.

Tool Three: Our big freakin' white boards.  We have two in the house. One of them is our calendar, which we write up every month and our To Do List for that month. It hangs next to our front door in a prominent place near the table in the kitchen. The other, much more neglected one, is in my office, full of project ideas that never really get done.  I have to work on this this summer.

Took Four: My phone.  In this day and age, I couldn't live without my phone. AM is constantly saying that I am always on my phone and I'm afraid he's right. I use my phone to help track everything.  It is my backup calendar which I coordinate with the planner in my pink notebook. It my food tracker, my mood tracker, my link to other people through Facebook.  I use a few fitness apps, and am trying out new ones all the time (most of them are free).

My final and Fifth (and best) tool: AM and my friends circle.  I cannot say how much these people have helped me.  From my online big brother, RO, to our Stockton Writer's Group, I have so much support.  Having a live in personal trainer and personal chef helps, as AM is constantly helping me be a better person and reminding me that I am so much more than I think I am and I can do so much more than I think can.  These people have helped me and made my life amazing.  They are supportive and give me great suggestions and kudos and high fives and big hugs and I appreciate and love them all for it.

Anywaysssss.... before I get too sappy... I am going back to bed.  I walked 3.74 miles yesterday and I am SO feeling it right now.  Now that I'm off for the summer, I plan on making writing part of my regime, as well as some reading, some exercising and a lot of snuggling from my wonderful AM! :)

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 79: Feeling the DOMS

Owie! Owie Owie Owie!  I did my first Curves workout about.. 8 hours ago and now I'm feeling it.  My arms, my back, my legs, even my abs are sore like crazy.  It actually takes an effort to sit and type this because I have to hold up my arms.  I was thinking about going back tomorrow, but screw that! I need time to heal!

What I am feeling is called DOMS, or Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness.  It happens from up to a few hours to a few days after a workout.  When you work out, your muscles stretch and create tiny tears within the muscle.  You don't feel these tears during or right after a workout because your body is producing endorphins and adrenaline and stuff that makes you feel good and want to keep going.  I know that I felt awesome after my workout. I could have done more and wanted to, but two circuits was what I was told to do.  Now the endorphins and adrenaline and everything have moved on and gone back to normal levels and I can feel those little tears.  The pain is good.  The pain is good. (I have to keep telling myself this, or I will not ever go back!)  The pain is good because it means that my body is beginning to repair those tiny little muscle tears by creating more muscle tissue to fill in those spaces.  More muscle tissue burns more fat and more fat burning means a thinner, happier, lighter Tory.  Yay!

It also means I'm exhausted and ready to turn on the sheet and pillowcase show.  I hope the movie behind my eyelids is awesome tonight, because I'm going to be watching it for a while!

Happy dreams everybody!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 77: 60 days

60 days ago, AM challenged me to a walking challenge.  Today, I have completed the challenge.  Because I messed up my knee (something about bursitis), my doctor recommended that I walk for 20 minutes a day, as just light exercise to get the knee going and work out some of the muscles.  AM said that if we created a routine, a daily regime of walking, I could buy myself one small fitness item that will help me continue to get healthier.  That item is a FitBit.

I have been trying to track my steps, exercise and diet on my phone, but I am beginning to find that it drains my battery pretty quickly and it's not really all that constant. I have to have the phone with me, it can't be on the charger, if I want to track the steps that I take.  While they have apps for it, there are no really good apps to track your sleep patterns and sleep quality.  The Fitbit promises to do all that.  It's a gadgety thing that goes in a wristband that you keep on you at all times and tracks everything you do and then syncs wirelessly to your phone or computer or whatever to help you track.  And I get this neat little gadget probably tomorrow (if I can find money in my budget for it) because I kept a goal and I stuck to it for 60 days.

They say that it takes 27 times of doing something in the same way to create a habit.  60 seems excessive, but it works for me. I feel wrong if I don't do my walking every night now.  In the last 60 days, I have walked.  Sometimes I walked during the morning, sometimes I walked in the evenings. Sometimes, after coming home from gaming or a movie or just hanging out with our friends, we have walked past midnight.  The track that we take is simply around our apartment complex, two laps, which equals roughly between 2/5 and 1/2 a mile.  I didn't always walk in the apartment complex. Sometimes on rainy days I would walk the same approximate distance twice around the grocery store from the produce section to the bakery section and back.  Most of my random zombie walks down to the market and back counted for my walk for the day. Some days I exceeded my half mile by a lot, and sometimes I barely made it, either because of injury or illness (when you can't breathe for coughing, it may not be the best time to walk).  But I made it.

I finished my challenge tonight with one last walk past the mostly brightly lit windows around the apartment complex.  Inside, families and friends were going about their business, most of them watching television, or gathered in some other fashion. Some were using computers, and some were cooking a late meal.  Over the last 60 days, I have gotten to know some of these people. The gentleman in the balcony on the opposite building always smiles and tells us to have a nice evening.  A young mother yesterday told us that she felt it was a strange day when she didn't get a chance to say hello to us.  Though we don't know names, only faces and location, our walks have helped us get to know our neighbors and our neighborhood better.

My next challenge is not to end the walks, but to continue them and add some more to them. Another lap perhaps, or some weight training that my doctor recommends for weight loss.  Perhaps I will do both, but I know that I can create and maintain a habit for 60 days, and I plan on making more plans to become even healthier.

What do you plan to do with the next 60 days?

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 74: Under the wire!

Just made it.  AM is brushing his teeth and we are about to go to bed, but I made it, just in time to share this blog post with you all! Yay!

Today I'm writing about races.  I haven't, nor will I be able to, run a race any time soon.  Maybe in the next year or so, after I've lost some weight, but my doctor and my knees agree that I am not ready for any type of marathon or even a 5k.  However, I have close friends who do these things, and I am in awe of them. In fact, two of them participated in Tour de Cure.  I am so impressed with them. They biked today for 64 miles (correct me if I'm wrong, guys) to help support and raise funds for Diabetes Awareness.  Link site for Tour de Cure.  I think all causes are worthy in some way, and say a lot about what our government really wants to fund, but this isn't the place for that.  This is the place to celebrate what my friends accomplished and how wonderful they are for helping to create hope in people who suffer from a disease that affects many people's lives.

Well done guys, well done.

Off to bed!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S Edited to make the number right! I was off by 18 miles.. OMIPU! I can't even imagine doing just 18!  64 sounds crazy!!

Episode 73: Motivation

Tonight I went with my mother and my sister to pick up my wedding dress.  The picture to the right is me in the dress (AM is in the back, taking pictures and helping me pick it out.).  We had to squeeze me into the dress and, while I could sit down and walk around in it, it felt tight.  Not like "I can't breathe tight", but I was a bit uncomfortable.  Even looking at the picture to the right makes me a bit uncomfortable to see the flabby arms and the back fat.  But, OMIPU!! What a beautiful gorgeous dress and it is so perfect for me.    I can't wait to walk down the aisle and have AM at the end, greeting me.

The stuffing of me into the dress motivates me to take the challenge I am on a bit more seriously.  Tonight's dinner at the Black Bear Diner not withstanding, I need to get more serious about weight loss so that I can look even more stunning in this fabulous dress.  I need to find back and arm exercises that will help me work away some of that fat back there and make it so that the dress just slips on and laces up without me feeling like I am being put into a corset.  This motivates me more than anything else right now.  My hot pink Converse go great with it and are totally me, peeking out from under the dress as I walk (I have to get the hem picked up a bit so I can wear the shoes rather than wear high heels).

Motivation comes from  many places.  My motivation is one of the more commonplace ones.  Many women say "I want to look better on my wedding day".  Some people want to do it so that they can spend more time with their kids. Some just want to be healthier and some want the challenge of doing something that they never thought that they would do before.  I have friends, TG and KT, who do 5k runs and nearly marathon pace running. I am inspired by them, but my motivation comes from myself.  Most motivation must be internally driven, not externally.  If you want to do something, find your own reasons, and whatever reasons they are, and make them yours. Make the challenge yours.  Because if it doesn't come from inside you, if it doesn't come from somewhere internal where that little voice is crying out to tell you that you <b>can</b> be a better person, then it isn't the right motivation for you.  Doing things for other people never helps anybody.

I should get one of those shirts that say "Team Bride" on them and wear it to Curves and sweat up a storm.. it can be part of my workout outfit.  I"m off to search Amazon and ThinkGeek!  I hope you all find whatever motivates you to greatness, because I think you are all great!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 71: Challenge accepted

This is me. I weigh, as of this picture of me, standing on a scale, 307.0 pounds. Not the heaviest that I have been, but not the lightest by a long shot. 20 years ago, I weighed half of what I do now. That half, around 150 is my goal. It's not ideal or optimal and it would make my doctor's eyebrows crease on that way that they do to know that I don't plan on my "official" body weight being within "normal BMI limitations for a so called 'healthy' person."  I don't care if I'm not stick thin or absolutely gorgeous. I care that I am healthy enough to chase around my eventual children.  So, here I am, at a friend's house accepting a month long weight loss challenge.  The winner gets a pot of gold and a leprechaun to dance around on it.  Ok, well, maybe I'm wrong about the leprechaun, but there is treasure at the end of this adventure, for she or he who loses the highest percentage of their body mass. I'm gonna try.

I post this picture for a few reasons. One, to motivate me to get my ass moving, and off the couch.  I look awful and I look fat and I have bingo curtains. I mean really!! BINGO CURTAINS!! I cannot believe I let myself get this big.  I post this picture because I am ashamed of the way that I look. I am ashamed of who and what I have become over the years through unhealthy eating, lack of movement and a great deal of depression that I haven't been willing or able to accept over the years.

Another reason I post this picture is because it is real. I am not hiding behind a gorgeous, thin avatar. I am not trying to be someone I am not and I am not trying to fool myself any longer. In my head, I am a much much thinner person, but I have to honest with myself about who I am and what I look like if I want to start to lose the weight. I can't fool myself and eat another doughnut or have another soda thinking "oh, I can work this off later."  It's not going to happen. I have to put down the carbs and be realistic about how I got here in the first place and how I am going to get myself out of it.  I packed on this weight, this fat, this body and it took me years to do it. It is going to take me a long time to get it off, but putting it on took a lot of work too.

The last reason I post this picture now is that it will be different in a month's time.  When I weigh in again in 31 days, at the end of the challenge, my friend, TechnoDude (henceforth referred to as TD) will take another picture of me and I will post that one too and I will be able to see the awesomeness shining through under a much thinner layer of fat.  I don't expect it all to go away in a month, but a month is a good start for starting new habits.

Look out world, here I come!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 68: Braaaaaaiiinnsssss!!!!

You are running through Abel Township, the wind in your face.  You are on a scouting mission, looking for supplies that will help the survivors and trying to dodge zombies... Yes.  Zombies.  As you run or even just walk fast - which is what I do - you hear them lurching and groaning behind you!  The only thing you can do is walk - or run, if you're healthier than I am - a bit faster.  Just a bit.  The voice of the zombie detector alerts you that zombies are only 100 yards behind you.  You put on a burst of speed, hoping against hope that you can outdistance them as they make their way towards you and you make your way towards the gate of the complex.  Your only chance of survival is getting back to civilization.  This is Zombies, Run!

I've only used the app a few times, but I can certainly see the merit in it.  Zombies run is a cross platform app that is meant to help motivate you to move more.  You put your headphones in, select an episode (I'm halfway through episode 2), turn on your GPS and head out for a morning walk.  The app does the rest for you, adding in music from a playlist that you tell it you want to hear music from (mine is called zombies and I'm constantly adding to it) and then interspersing story bits between songs.  As you go, you collect bits of helpful materials that will add to the health and happiness of Abel Township is currently second level.  The story is interesting and you hear a bit of sadness as the backstory of the encampment is revealed.  I'm not sure what is going on quite yet, but I have learned that I am the new Runner Five and in the first campaign, I happen to run into the first Runner Five, which turns into a tragic story of its own.

So far I am enjoying the app.  It is getting me out there; it is getting me moving.  My doctor was happy to hear I have something that helps to motivate me to move.  Because of an inflamed bursa in my knee, he asked me to take it slow, I will, but I am looking forward to my next zombie walk.

Oh, the program also has a Couch to 5k add on that I'm going to get as soon as I get used to walking more often.  Maybe not by April, but sometime in the next year, I will be able to walk a 5k.  Then, perhaps, I will work up to a light jog.

Here's to a happy, healthy New Year... with zombies!!

ToryLynn (who knows she can survive the zombie apocalypse given enough training!)

Episode 65: Perceived Energy vs. Actual Energy

I just spent three days on a whirlwind tour of the East Coast.  What I could see of New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New York it is a beautiful place full of wonderful people, wonderful conversation and wonderful food.  And the great thing was the food wasn't the focus. I didn't come here to eat, I came her to see people and see things.  I found all to my satisfaction.

But Oh My Invisible Purple Unicorn!!!  I am SOOOOOOOOO sore.  My entire body is literally aching and sore right now and I have the beginnings of an awful headache. (Which will shortly be cut off by some of the best medication for headaches! Advil!!!--hey... I wouldn't mind an endorsement!)  However, it brings to mind an interesting point that AM pointed out on our travels.

I CAN MOVE!!!

When we're at home, I resist moving. It is nearly impossible to cajole me into an hour long walk, or even to walk to the grocery store.  Getting on the Wii takes promises of chocolate and doing the Tai Chi video takes promises of some good red wine.  I get snarky and complain that I don't want to, and you can't make me!

I have noticed that, while I'm not actual losing weight lately, I am losing my pain.  I used to have to sit on a walk around campus. My back would cramp up, followed by my calves tightening and I would absolutely need a rest. That is beginning to go away though and this year, I started the school year with a nearly non-stop walk around school because I needed to.

Friday, AM and I touristed our way around New York.  I walked for countless hours around the Museum of Natural History.  I strolled through (and got slightly lost) in Central Park, and we wandered around Times Square and then walked up to Broadway and then walked to Penn Station.  Yesterday, I went to a wedding reception and danced for hours!!  Today I plan on walking around Philadelphia to learn about the birth of our great nation!

If I was at home, I would have never moved this much! I would never have done this much!  I feel amazing (if not incredibly, painfully tired!) because of the high that this vacation gave me.  I love it!  Which brings me to my topic.

At home, I think that I won't have the energy to move around. I get home, I want to sit in front of the television or sit in front of the computer.  I will get up and maybe move to make dinner, but I won't work out, I won't go for walks because I am "too tired" to do anything.  I do not want to move.  I feel that my energy levels are absolutely drained as soon as I get home from work. This was my Perceived Energy.

But they're not! That is just what I think!  This idea that I have a finite amount of energy and that I cannot move is crap!  Proven by this weekend, there is so much that I am capable of!  I can walk for hours. I can get out and get up and do things! I have the energy in spite of my weight. In fact, with this new found knowledge, I have the power to make myself better.  This is my Actual Energy.

And I realized I have more Actual Energy than I have Perceived Energy.  I can do a lot of things in my life if I start looking at my Perceived Energy and considering my Actual Energy levels and try to make them match up more often.  It may make me feel more exhausted, but eventually, my Perceived Energy will increase because I will learn that I can do that much more.  And as my Perceived Energy goes up and I begin to lose weight, my Actual Energy will probably increase as well.  So, I've decided once a year (at least) I will come out to the East Coast and test my energy level and find out how much Actual Energy I have gained and adjust my life accordingly.

This should be a fun experiment! So, gentle reader, this is a consideration for you.  What is your Actual Energy (the amount of energy you can expend on things that you want to do) and what is your Perceived Energy (what you only think you can do).  You may find yourself surprised!

Until next time,

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 56: Rebirth

Hi! 

I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose.  Well, mostly bliss anyway.  Things are good... for the most part.

Except my weight.

I seem to have reached some sort of plateau.  I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.

This needs to stop.

So, Easter is coming up.  I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion.  That being said, Easter is an interesting time.  It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals.  But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking. 

Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year.  Their God is reborn after three days.  I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.

I need to get back on track.  I need to be counting points, spending time exercising.  Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking.  We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company.  We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza.  (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures).  We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful!  And we walked so much!!

And when we got home... we felt it!  I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often.  Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system.  So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.

Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points.  Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you.  Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places).  Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing.  Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list. 

But they need to be.  I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either.  If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure.  My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on.  If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet.  It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.

The last part of my rebirth is my blog.  I need to start blogging again.  I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it.  I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately.  I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it.  This is (mostly) for me.

I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating.  I am a responsible adult.  I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.

Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 45: Yogi Barely

It is time to start moving!  So, I am trying, very hard, to do that. :)

AM suggested this book called Richard Hittleman's 28 day yoga. I like books, I like it when people suggest books to me, and so I bought it!  I'm on day 3 now, with having skipped a day just out of sheer stubbornness.

It's actually not too bad.  I hear my bones in my back popping more than I like, but I am definitely increasing my flexibility, even after three days.  When I am done, I feel better.  Much more stretched out and calmer (although today I have a bit of a headache, but I think I woke up with that.. or it's just my caffeine addiction kicking in).  The book recommends doing the exercises in the afternoon or the evening, but I find that after a day spent chasing high school students around, I really just don't have the energy to be rolling around on my floor. I exercise in the morning.  I'm hoping to make a bit of a routine of it.. like this blog, and get into a type of habit.  The book says you can skip a day once in a while, but try not to skip more than one day at a time, and take it sloooooowly.

Anyway, people who study and practice Yoga are Yogis.  I don't consider myself a Yogi yet, but it's an interesting program. I flipped forward a few weeks, just to see what is in store for me... and some of them look a little bit impossible.  Of course, it really doesn't help that the model that is used is incredibly thin and lithe and I just can't picture myself like that at all.  Especially doing the head stand. That looks SO painful and I can't imagine putting my fat ass over my head.  It's just a matter of gravity and neck compression!

Anyway, my ten minutes for blogging is up.  Have a great day everybody and remember to breathe!

Love and happiness,

ToryLynn

Episode 26: Ouchie!

I know I have to start exercising soon and that it will help with my weight loss. I know I should find some way to get at least 20 minutes a day (or even 30) of walking or some sort of activity that I enjoy that will help me move around a lot better.  But right now, walking or any sort of physical activity seems freakin' impossible...mostly because I am in a world of pain.

Admittedly, it is my fault.  AH and I have a lovely Lay-Z-Boy couch.  Very comfy, with two reclining seats, buff furry type of material, and a remote control holder that I made that rarely ever holds remotes.  In fact, I am sitting on it as I blog. But, there is a problem.  I can't sleep on it when I am reclined.. or not very well anyway.  I sleep on my side, usually my right. So I curl up on the couch talking long distance to AM and watch Netflix, all laying down on my right side. (By the way, I wholly recommend Full Metal Alchemist! What a great storyline!) Well, our wonderful couch has wooden partitions between the seats, and my back, right where it hits the partition, is bruised.  It is so bruised that it hurts to touch it and it hurts to move, but no actual bruise shows on the skin.  Grrrrrr. How am I supposed to go exercise if I can't move!  I think I need to find another way or another place to sit if I'm going to be online watching movies and such.

Anyway, a big happy birthday to BD, who is another year older. I hope your day is wonderful!

Anyway, I am off to work! I hope you all have a lovely everything!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 12: Energy

Continuing on the same strain as I was writing on yesterday, I was thinking about the childish energy of those tricycling children.  To be able to ride away with the abandon that I watched yesterday, without thought of being hurt and not a care in the world would be so exhilarating.  As I watched them ride, grins of unaware joy on their faces, I wished that I too could be young again, start off life with such enjoyable potential and have that much energy!

Energy is a problem for me.  It comes and goes, but most of the time, because of my weight, because of my hobbies and habits, I am usually on the low end of the energy spectrum.  My favorite past times include playing computer games and reading books.  I don't walk, or do much of anything physical.  My Nintendo Wii goes woefully ignored, though I could spend much time on it exercising.

I know that the equation is often, at least for physical activity, expend energy in exercise and more energy is created.  The more you move, the more you can move and the more you will move.  My body, however, does not believe in that equation.  My body feels that it must store all of the energy that it can and burn it in reading or writing or enjoying the company of others in various virtual realities.

I have tried many ways to increase my activity, and thus, my energy.  I have tried Wii Fit. I have tried Dance Dance Revolution.  I have tried Tai Chi.  None of these seem to fit very well.  To be honest, the only physical activity that seems to rejuvenate my energy levels is swimming.  To feel my body wrapped in water, weightless to the world, and move my limbs through the low resistance exercise makes me feel like one of those children on the tricycles.  It brings a smile to my face, a warm flowing feeling to my muscles, and I feel satisfied.

Unfortunately, my pool is often full of other tenants of my apartment complex, or it is just too cold outside to go swimming.

I need a new way to find energy through exercise. I know I will find one with time, but I also know that I need to start getting up and moving.  It is imperative.