Episode 75: To market, to market

The cool morning air buzzed with the voices of the patrons and from the center of the market stalls, a single violinist fiddled away, singing folksy country songs  behind a metal can.  Familiar voices ring out from the stall and the scent of barbecuing meat wafts over the open market stalls.  There is no need for catcalls or showmanship by the sellers.  It is market day and there is very little reason to call attention to any particular booth, as all are busy with customers, some empty handed, some laden with goods from other booths, pick over the selection, chose their week's produce and go away happy.

This is the paradise I stepped in to this morning. The sun wasn't hiding so much as clothed gently in the wispy clouds, making the temperatures bearable in the early May morning.  I love going to the farmer's market.  We try to go weekly, but we will sometimes skip a week, but we are never really disappointed either.  WE go so often that we are beginning to know which stalls are our favorite. We are beginning to learn the names of the men and women who work behind the tables planted under canopies and tents.  They recognize us and smile and ask how we liked the selection that we took last week.  We mention soups and they smile, recommending cooking methods.  One merchant even gave us a handout with a recipe for red bean chocolate cake.  

I've written before about using locally grown produce, and about supporting our local economy and eating what is in season, what we find there at that market. It is wonderful to watch the colors change in the booths, from the verdant greens and yellows of the winter squashes to the bright beautiful redness of the ripest sweetest strawberries I have tasted in a long time.  We walk up the rows before we buy anything, checking prices against prices, looking for the best produce, never buying everything from just one booth.  

Market day used to be a tradition. It was a gathering place once a week for the town to get together and celebrate the harvest, celebrate the products that people brought out.  It was a chance for money to exchange, for a local economy to grow strong and for an area to flourish.  It kept the people together, and it kept the people's safe.  You didn't steal from the guy who sold you your food and if you were the seller, you didn't steal from your customers. In fact, you would often give someone down on their luck who was a good customer a deal on food.  

I think this is what we need to go back to. Create a community around these markets, create an idea that we are all in this together, and the world will be more peaceful!  Yay for market days! :)

Off to bed!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

2012 Thankful Post

This year I am thankful for so many things, so many wonderful people and so many great things happening to me this year that I don't even really know where to start.

First, I am thankful for AM, as always, my rock and my roll, who makes me happy every day and lets me take care of him as much as he takes care of me.

I am thankful for my family, who have been there for me.  I know I don't see you enough lately, but you are always on my mind and in my heart..

I am thankful for the wonderful change that has taken place in my life that has allowed me to get a hold on who I am.

I am thankful for my job and that Prop 30 passes this year so that I can keep it.  I love what I do, even if I get frustrated sometimes. I love talking about literature, watching children learn who they really are and I love that moment when you're in a classroom conversation when a child knows that they can say anything and be listened to and respected.  I love all of my students.

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For the lunch crowd at Stagg and the writers of Wrimo.  It is good to know that there are kindred out there.

I am thankful for these and everybody around me.  I am thankful that I can make minipies to share with my family.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

Love and Lollipops and lots of cranberry sauce,

ToryLynn

Episode 49: What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet, so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes."
Juliet said it best.  A name is just a marker that is chosen for us at birth, something that our parents choose for us, something that we don't really think about, because we think it is out of our control. If I change my name, I will still be the same perfect person that I am. And so, as Juliet requests of Romeo, I may doff my name.

As we grow up, we identify with our names, we become attached to them, for the most part. As a woman gets married, in subservience to her husband, she changes her name to his, allowing him to dominate her nomenclature and taking away a part of her orginal identity, melding herself with him. He does not take her name, and stays the same person, not allowing himself to be subjugated, but instead becoming dominant.  It's been this way in our society for at least a thousand years, and women have put up with it. Hell, I've put up with it.  I changed my name when I got married. I thought it would bring me closer to my husband.  Things change.

I've been thinking a lot about my name, and posted a bit to Facebook about a possible name change, which prompted this post.

Now that I am divorcing, I have a chance to go back to my original name. Actually, it's even drawn up in my divorce papers that I will return to Victoria H----, but I'm not sure about this.  My name has become sort of a sticking point for me for as long as I can remember.

I was born Victoria H---- over 35 years ago.  My parents decided to call me Vicky, which changed to Vicki when I got to kindergarten and was asked which way I would like to spell my name.  (I think I simply asked which letter comes first in the alphabet and decided that was how I would spell my name.)  I was Vicki H--- from kindergarten until my sophomore year of high school.  As Vicki H----, I was mostly subservient, quiet, kind, polite, not much of a troublemaker... for the most part.  I had my fits of teenaged rebellion, but Vicki H---- was who I remained for a very very long time.

In my sophomore year of high school, I grew very rebellious and changed quite a bit.  This new identity that I created, this rebellious teenager who wouldn't take shit from anybody was called Tory.  When I moved in with my grandmother briefly during my sophomore year, when asked what I would like to be called (Victoria was too formal), I told the teacher's Tory, and for three months, Tory went to Menlo-Atherton high school.  Tory H----- was kind of a no nonsense kind of girl. I liked her.

I returned to Stockton and my name, changing it just a little bit to Vicky H----. The addition of the Y did little to change me and I returned to the girl I was. When I became interested in computers, my computer handle was Vixen, or sometimes Vixen Vipere, after a old device that my boyfriend and I had used in our writing. It was short for Vixantrayil, a name that I played with like a toy, a character I had created for a book that we had written together. 

When I got married, I took my husband's last name as was tradition and was Vicky L---.  We got married in 1998 and I stayed Vicky L--- for at least 7 years. Everybody still called me Vicky, at least family and friends, but I was in college and Vicky just seemed too..childish.  Vicky, in my mind, was a cheerleader, a sorority sister, a little girl with pigtails and just wasn't who I was anymore.  I attempted to get people to call me Victoria, which seemed much more professional and was the name that was put on all of my degrees. But my friends and family insisted on calling me Vicky... except one person. 

With one person, I confident and powerful and I didn't take shit. He made me feel strong.  For this person, I was Tory again.  He called me Tory for a good five years, and I loved him for the confidence that he seemed to give me.  A false confidence, I am sorry to say, for when he pushed me away, all of that confidence broke. 

With a little time and healing, I knew that I could not go back to being Vicky again and Victoria didn't quite fit right. It felt a bit big for me, so I took the name Tory back and made it my own. I grew confident, I added my middle name to it and became ToryLynn online (although everybody still called me Tory).  I grew into ToryLynn and became strong. I felt confident, I felt powerful, and I felt good finally being who I really wanted to be.  I joined writing groups, I became a big part of the writing community on Second Life for a while, and I felt like a better person. I had found my power. 

Unfortunately, as I gained my power as ToryLynn, Vicky was being left far behind with my husband.  I grew apart from him as I pursued my creativity and my power.  I feel bad about doing that, especially today.  Now, I am leaving him. It's not like I suddenly stopped loving. It is that I grew up and became a different person.

So, now this new person needs a new name.  In some societies, you are given a child name, something that your parents and family call you which is a personal name just for them.  When you grow up in this society, you are given a new name by an elder, or are asked to choose your own, something that represents you.  This new stage in my life is giving me a chance to choose my name and become a new person. The strong, confident, beautiful woman that I know I can be am.

I am reluctant to return to H----- as I don't want to be the child that I was before I got married, and I don't want to keep my husband's last name, since I have outgrown that as well.  I consider changing it to McGregor and becoming Victoria McGregor, which would look good on a book jacket, and Tory McGregor, which sounds awesome, and very ethnic to me.  Back to my Scottish ancestors, honoring my blood.  Another option is Victoria French, my grandmother's last name. Both are options which I find interesting, which I think are good. 

I will try on both for the next five months, and make my decision once my divorce is final.   I will give it a lot of thought.

Until next time, I am just

ToryLynn

Episode 42: The Obligatory Thankful list

Ok. I wrote a longer version of this, but I can't post it here as it is waaay too personal.  Let's just say that I am very thankful for all of the blessings in my life.  Here is a quick list:

I am thankful for:

AM

change

my job

my friends

my family

my best friend

I could elaborate on all of them, but I won't.  I am happy, I am fulfilled, and I am going to go eat some Turkey and Cranberry Sauce and FUCK thinking about points or diets or anything. I will probably gain weight this week.  I think I am perfectly ok with that!

I hope this finds you all well, happy and peaceful on this beautiful American Holiday.  To all of those who aren't aren't American who read my blog.. I hope you have a happy Thursday!

Love,

ToryLynn

Episode 23: Soup making

So today, after I finish cleaning my kitchen, I will sit and chop vegetables while listening to people talk about books on Second Life.  I will combine celery and broccoli and spinach and carrots and cabbage to add to the pleasing scent of garlic and onions sauteed to perfection before I add my beef broth and tomato paste to create a really awesome soup that has no points to it, but tastes wonderful.

After that, I may make some salmon cakes, using more of the celery and adding light mayo and bread crumbs to create perfect patties of salmony goodness that I dip in a effusion of light mayo and balsamic vinegar (OMG! SO YUMMY!).

Then I will go party with the fam as we look at beautiful jewelry and talk about fall fashions (I am, after all.. SUCH a fashion diva. </sarcasm>

Love love to all.  I'm going to have a wonderful day, because I am loved.

Tory

Episode 13: The Post that Wasn't

My apologies to my audience that this didn't get posted last night.  I stayed up late talking to a friend and nearly fell asleep on the computer. I postponed this posting until this morning, so here I am, blurry eyed and droopy tailed saying good morning! :)  (Puck, who decided that my normal work schedule wake up call at 5:30 was exactly what I needed, says hi too!)

I am beginning to struggle.  It's not just that I forget to eat, which I have been having a problem with doing lately. I'm not actually getting to my point total that is supposed to be my minimum. I am sort of finding it difficult to remember to record what little I do eat.  My meals have been healthy, and I have been trying to create healthy choices of food around me.  My refrigerator is full of healthy vegetables and my fruit basket is nearly over-flowing (bet you didn't know I already owned a fruit basket!)  I am just not eating as much as I probably should, according to the plan.  I think my friend last night called it "weight watcher's lethargy".  I thought that was a good term.

As I head into my weigh in for week two.. and my third week of blog posts (if I do 7 more,I will have created a good habit.. and I will do one tonight, for I will have much to report), I wonder what things I can do to motivate myself to push past this lethargy barrier.    

One of my motivations is my friends and family who love me.  I have found that I have such an amazing support circle that wants me to succeed that I almost feel like I am letting them down if I don't.  I even had my sister and my brother's fiance post on my Facebook wall a reminder that I needed to blog.  I love that sort of motivation and caring from people who actually pay attention to what I do.

Another motivation, which sounds weird, is my Second Life.  My avatar in that world is thin and gorgeous, and I would love to look and move like she does.  I would love for people to perceive me in that way (though I admit, the tail and ears will have to stay in Second Life) as it gives me so much confidence to do things I would have never done in this body.  I host poetry shows, I go to writing collectives and I run a short story discussion group with a close friend of mine.  I watch my avatar do all of these things, and want the woman who lives behind the screen to be just as hot and talented as the person that I see on the screen.

My last motivation is a sudden fervor for life that I haven't felt in a long time.  I am ecstatic to be alive right now, which is something I couldn't have said a few years ago, when I was wallowing in a depression.  Today, right now, I am happy to be breathing in air, filling my lungs with oxygen and just simply existing.  Everything looks different through my eyes lately, and I am loving just being alive. The wonderment of the sunset, the way the wind blows through my willow tree outside, the friends and family who love me more than I could ever imagine- these are the things that make my life worth living.  

But for now... I'm going back to sleep :)

Thank you to all who read this, and to all who love me. Your support means more to me than anything.

ToryLynn

Episode 11: Trike-a-thon!

... which I probably spelled wrong.

I don't think I had ever been to the military base that my sister works on until today.  I didn't get to see much of it, just the preschool, but it was nice, what I saw.  The preschool is a low-lying one story building with a chain link fence surrounding it, where my nephew makes friends. He is easily picked out by the shock of red hair glows copper in the sunlight, and the big goofy smile. This kid is awesome.  He has this excellent sense of wonder, and since he is 2 and a half, he is just learning about the world.  Since he is just 2 and a half, he doesn't quite have the vocabulary or the linguistic skills to fully detail what he is thinking, but the other day, I walked around with him and he told me the colors of everything that he could see.  It was a nice walk.

Today was especially nice to see the outpouring of support for my sister, which came after a great outpouring of support for me from a lot of outlets after my fairly whiny post yesterday.  My mom and her husband were there, video-taping and taking pictures of all of the kids gathered.  My sister's best friend came over and watched for a while.  At first, there were about 20 kids, altogether in the 3-4 age group. Their tricycles, or sometimes even bicycles with the spindly training wheels which are never on the ground at the same time, riding around like a NASCAR circle, and causing just as many accidents, as they spontaneously decide to abandon their tricycles and go for the watermelon and water bottles that the preschool teachers offer them for refreshment.  Being around children all day seems to me that it would be so exhilarating, but also so incredibly exhausting.  Not a job I think I would be very good at.. at least not that age group.  I asked one of the teachers if she often went home with bruises on her shins, and I think her answer was something like "You have no idea", after she rolled her eyes.

When my nephew's (IN from now on.. for Incredible Nephew) group came up.. the 2-3 group (or possibly younger.. he's getting to be such a big boy), IN brought out his shining blue tricycle, which I am sure had been newly washed, and shone brightly in the sun.  It was the most resplendent of all of the tricycles there, the wheels painted to match, and the wooden board on the back.  My brother-in-law could step on the bike and make it speed to incredible speeds (for a tricycle) and I could hear IN laughing with that cheerful childhood abandon that we seem to lose and only find when in the presence of close friends and lovers.  No times were taken for his age group, and my only complaint is that they didn't give them longer to ride, and instead went back after 15 minutes.

Altogether, a good day, followed by a good (if pointy) lunch, followed by a wonderful evening of killing stuff with AH and then a good conversation and a Haunted House roam in SL to cap off a really great day.  Even after all of that eating, I only had 4 points more than my daily allowance, and I am keeping on track.  I am trying to make healthy choices for myself, not just in what I eat, but also in the people that I share my life with.  I think I am doing pretty well so far! :)

Thanks for reading, and thank you all so much for your love and support!

-ToryLynn

Episode 10.5: My sister is wonderful!

Hehe.. quick update as I go back to cleaning my floor... My little sister came and cheered me up by bringing me flowers and eating bugs on my front porch and talking to me a little.  Yay for my wonderful little sister!  I feel better... now for some cleaning, and maybe yoga!