Episode 85: To be continued...

My part of California hasn't had much rain lately, but this last weekend, I got to snuggle down into my warm little apartment and experience something I have needed for a long, long while: a weekend of rain and relaxation and lots and lots of grading.  I have today off too, and I have a lot of grading to do, since my grades for the progress reports are due on Wedensday, but I got a big chunk of grading done that I had been avoiding for a while. So, Yay me!  

What I haven't been so good at, dear reader, is actually spending any of that time cooking. I have not created anything healthy in my kitchen for.. a few weeks at least. Not for lack of fresh and good ingredients.  My wonderful AM has started his skills based class at San Joaquin Delta College, and he is doing amazing.  So, in his spare time, when he's not doing homework or being awesome, he is spending time practicing his knife skills by cutting up vegetables, or clarifying butter for a sauce or just a lot of things. He is amazing.  But, now I have a refrigerator full of diced, sliced, chopped vegetables, and I haven't been using them.  Bad Tory!

So, today's goal is to pull out the slow cooker and start to make a good stock that we can add some noodly bits to and make a great vegetable soup.  It is getting to be soup weather around here, and it is something I can take to school for lunches and savor.  I hope to get this started before I have a busy busy day off.  Why do I have to schedule all the stuff on my day's off and not actually have a day off? Because I'm a teacher.  So, today's to-do list includes: Start stock, my annual physical (yes, I'm nervous!) and buy clothes for my trip to Arizona next week (and even more nervous!)

I don't really know why I am writing today except that I want to write.  I want to start writing again, and I am tired of saying "Oh, I'm refreshing, or oh.. it's a new me" because it's not. This is the same old me. I am not starting anything new, I am not trying to be anything that I am not.  I am just trying to get healthier. I am trying to be better at being human, but that is all I am doing.  Just becoming a better human.  Coming out of my chrysalis, I suppose.  It has been a long, slow journey and I have a lot more struggling to do.  

I think I'll start writing every day, even if it is just for me.

This is my chronicle.  This is the page that reads: And the story continues...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 76: Happy!!

Every night before we go to bed, we sit at our dining room table, fountain pens in hand, and write on small 2"x2" pieces of paper that are cut from 24lb stock.  These pieces of paper are light blue and pink, the color of youth, the color of gender and for us, the color of happiness.  With my pen, filled with a beautiful hot pink ink called "Hope Pink" for breast cancer awareness I write my happy thoughts for the day.  Across the table from me, AM, with his turquoisish pen, filled with Bahama Blue, writes his happy thoughts for the day.  Our world is color coded in this way. When we are finished, we put them into an 8 cup Ball jar and seal the lid.  In this way, we record our happiness, one day at a time and fill a jar with love and hope.

We've been doing this since around February. Originally the thought had been to start January 1st, but we are slow to get organized.  The jar in the picture is our happy jar, with our happy thoughts color coded to suit us.  We put the day's triumphs, the happy little things that we did for each other, or that we talked about, or even just what we ate for the day.  They can be any thought, as long as they are happy and not negative.

The plan is to open the jar at the end of the year as a New Year's ritual and see all of the happy thoughts that we have created over the year.  Ideally, if we had started on January first, we would have 730 happy thoughts in it by the end of the year.  730 happy memories, 730 meals, 730 joys that we could share.  I am not sure what we will do with them as we review them. Perhaps we will create a scrapbook, putting them in order and gluing them to pages as a reminder of all the happiness that we had the year we got engaged and then got married.  Maybe we will let the jar fill (though it is already getting pretty full and we have to pack the slips down well) until our first anniversary, so we can have a record of our first year together and the time that we were engaged.  Maybe we will just tear them into smaller pieces and throw them over ourselves and our friends at our New Year's celebration.  We have a while to go until we pick out those pieces of paper and find out all of our happiness throughout the year.  I'm excited to see what he wrote, since our happy thoughts are private until the end of the year, locked up in our little jar on little pieces of blue and pink paper.

I hope that you all have your happy thoughts and that you share them with the ones that you love, today and every day.  Keep them somewhere safe, even if it is a journal or notebook, a planner or just in your memory, but my hope is that everybody has at least one happy thought a day, even if it is as simple as "the cute guy on the bus smiled at me" or "I ate all my vegetables" or even "I am still alive and my heart is still pumping blood through my body", everybody should be happy, every single day.

Here is to all of your happy thoughts!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 73: Motivation

Tonight I went with my mother and my sister to pick up my wedding dress.  The picture to the right is me in the dress (AM is in the back, taking pictures and helping me pick it out.).  We had to squeeze me into the dress and, while I could sit down and walk around in it, it felt tight.  Not like "I can't breathe tight", but I was a bit uncomfortable.  Even looking at the picture to the right makes me a bit uncomfortable to see the flabby arms and the back fat.  But, OMIPU!! What a beautiful gorgeous dress and it is so perfect for me.    I can't wait to walk down the aisle and have AM at the end, greeting me.

The stuffing of me into the dress motivates me to take the challenge I am on a bit more seriously.  Tonight's dinner at the Black Bear Diner not withstanding, I need to get more serious about weight loss so that I can look even more stunning in this fabulous dress.  I need to find back and arm exercises that will help me work away some of that fat back there and make it so that the dress just slips on and laces up without me feeling like I am being put into a corset.  This motivates me more than anything else right now.  My hot pink Converse go great with it and are totally me, peeking out from under the dress as I walk (I have to get the hem picked up a bit so I can wear the shoes rather than wear high heels).

Motivation comes from  many places.  My motivation is one of the more commonplace ones.  Many women say "I want to look better on my wedding day".  Some people want to do it so that they can spend more time with their kids. Some just want to be healthier and some want the challenge of doing something that they never thought that they would do before.  I have friends, TG and KT, who do 5k runs and nearly marathon pace running. I am inspired by them, but my motivation comes from myself.  Most motivation must be internally driven, not externally.  If you want to do something, find your own reasons, and whatever reasons they are, and make them yours. Make the challenge yours.  Because if it doesn't come from inside you, if it doesn't come from somewhere internal where that little voice is crying out to tell you that you <b>can</b> be a better person, then it isn't the right motivation for you.  Doing things for other people never helps anybody.

I should get one of those shirts that say "Team Bride" on them and wear it to Curves and sweat up a storm.. it can be part of my workout outfit.  I"m off to search Amazon and ThinkGeek!  I hope you all find whatever motivates you to greatness, because I think you are all great!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 70: Whole

Wow.. new blog window.  Kind of looks like Google Docs! Cool!

I went to the grocery store today to pick up some stuff that we needed around the house.  Some of those essential things that seem to be on everybody's weekly shopping list.  Today I bought: a half gallon of milk, a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread.

A couple of years ago, that would have been just those things. The half gallon of milk would have probably been 2%, the bread would have been cheap white bread and the eggs would be the store brand.  Today, those purchases were very different.  I bought whole milk, cage free eggs and multigrain whole wheat bread. Not to presume what you are thinking, dear reader, but I know that many people would say "Wait a minute! That milk is bad for you!  It's got all sorts of fat in it and you should drink something with less fat.  It's better for you!"  This may be true, but.. let me justify myself a bit.

I believe in whole foods. If I could find and drink raw milk and cream, I would, but pasteurized is good enough, since it is just a process that heats and cools the milk, killing bacteria, so it doesn't kill you. Other than process, and skimming off the milk fats to make butter (which I also buy in whole fat variety), that's about all the processing I would really like to see my foods go through. If I could live on a farm where I could make sure that my chickens are well treated and well fed and their eggs are healthy, I would, but the eggs I buy are certified by the American Humane society, which is good enough for me.  When I have time and the inclination, I make my own breads, so that I know that it is whole wheat flour that goes into it, and I know I'm not using artificial chemicals to make that bread last longer in my bread box.  Sure, it's not sliced to perfect uniformity, but I feel better knowing what goes into my bread won't kill me or make me even sicker.

We live in an age where everything is highly processed.  We drink and eat things with high fructose corn syrup, where the sugars have been pulled out of corn, melted down, made into syrup and added back into things that have sugar in them.  Much of our food has chemicals that are nearly impossible to pronounce added to them.  Much of our food comes from a plant where workers and machines process whole foods into something that doesn't even look like food anymore and then add dyes and chemicals so that it looks like food again and is something that we will bring to our table and share with our family.

If I have children, I want to be able to raise them to make healthy choices and eat real food, food like it used to taste in the time of my grandmother and my great grandmother.  I want them to choose foods that are good for them.  I buy whole milk.  I buy fresh, cage free eggs. These are the choices that I make for myself and my family.

I've been making these choices for myself for over a year now.  Though I haven't lost a lot of weight (mostly because of my sloth-like lifestyle and lack of willpower, which I will get to in a future post), there have been a lot of changes because of these choices.  My skin is healthier and clear where I used to get tons of acne.  My perpetual battle with cold sores has become nearly non-existent.  My cheeks are rosier and I recently went into my hairdresser, who I visited a year ago, and she was amazed at how fast my hair grows and how much healthier, thicker and fuller it was.  My energy levels are increasing, I can do a lot more for myself.  I am empowered... I am healthier, I am happier and I feel like I am becoming whole again.

Episode 69: Oh What a Beautiful Morning!!!

I love mornings like this.  I love these types of beautiful mornings where there is just the thinnest layer of frost on the roof (just enough to leave a white  transluscent layer) and as I walk, the grass crunches beneath my feet in a white layer.  This will all wear off within an hour of the sun rising, but getting to school early enough to see this is stunning. I'm a morning person. Something I do not share with my life partner, AM. He would rather sleep until noon and then stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning. This affords me a few quiet hours on my days off to let me just reset and work... Or to just to sit around watching Netflix and reading, but we all find our happiness in different places. This means though, that I fall asleep at 10ish. If not am not recumbent by 9:30, I get cranky... Like bear coming out of hibernation cranky. AM is patient though, and loves me and so when I get, cranky, he hugs me and tells me he loves me. When I get up tomorrow morning, I am going to wake up happy and alive, get out of bed and be excited to start my day. I will see my students tomorrow after over a week away from them. (I missed them, but you will never hear ever admit it... Much). Tomorrow is going to be a good morning, just like today was a good day. Goodnight, gentle readers. I wish you all the happy mornings to come. Love and Lollipops, ToryLynn

2012 Thankful Post

This year I am thankful for so many things, so many wonderful people and so many great things happening to me this year that I don't even really know where to start.

First, I am thankful for AM, as always, my rock and my roll, who makes me happy every day and lets me take care of him as much as he takes care of me.

I am thankful for my family, who have been there for me.  I know I don't see you enough lately, but you are always on my mind and in my heart..

I am thankful for the wonderful change that has taken place in my life that has allowed me to get a hold on who I am.

I am thankful for my job and that Prop 30 passes this year so that I can keep it.  I love what I do, even if I get frustrated sometimes. I love talking about literature, watching children learn who they really are and I love that moment when you're in a classroom conversation when a child knows that they can say anything and be listened to and respected.  I love all of my students.

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For the lunch crowd at Stagg and the writers of Wrimo.  It is good to know that there are kindred out there.

I am thankful for these and everybody around me.  I am thankful that I can make minipies to share with my family.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!

Love and Lollipops and lots of cranberry sauce,

ToryLynn

Episode 66: Putting Color Into Life

Today we went to the Farmer's Market behind the Weberstown Mall.  We got up, even before breakfast, put on clothes, braved the cold, crisp morning (at 8:45) and went out to see what sort of fresh produce they had for us today.  What you see in the picture is what we bought.  Fresh veggies, raspberry jams and some pomegranates.  They are all glorious (and barely fit in our tiny tiny apartment fridge).  The plan is to make some really awesome veggie soup, since we're on a type of Weight Watchers.

 In fact, I'm sort of cheating.  I have no money and very little resources to rejoin Weight Watchers at this time, but I have all of my old book and all of my old program stuff, so we're using these as resources, with some help from some web sources, to create our own version of Weight Watchers.  I haven't given up on the whole milk or the whole fat yogurt, as they seem to be better for my digestion than the low fat stuff (I don't get nearly as may ucky tummies), but we are adding many more veggies and things to our diet.  I feel healthier.  According to my Wii, I have lost about 5 pounds in the last two weeks.

Just looking at that picture makes me happy!  The colors, the vibrancy, and I've noticed that since we have been eating better, cleaning our apartment more often and working out a bit more, my whole life seems to be coated in this new vibrant color.  A year or more ago, I was feeling kind of in the doldrums.  I lived in a beautiful place, I had everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't satisfying. I was unhappy.  I was overweight. I was lazy and in pain and everything seemed like crap.  I was taking medication for bipolar disorder and it wasn't helping much.  And the food I was eating was awful!  Looking back at my Weight Watcher's books from a year ago, I was eating fast food daily.  One day was Wendys. One day was Subway. One day was Taco Bell.  Fried foods, foods full of fat, foods full of fillers. These were the things that I was putting into my body, and my body fought back with depression, acne and weight gain.

Now I eat what you see on the table.  Fresh fruits, fresh veggies. I make my own breads sometimes.

 I take a vitamin daily, and I cook my own food. I have even, on occasion, made my own butter (which is absolutely delicious!)  I know exactly what goes in my food. If I write down a recipe, or a list of ingredients, I can pronounce every single one of them.  I still eat meat, though we do have our Wegitarian Wednesdays, and Pizza Fridays (our one little concession to the "how do you pronounce that?" foods).  We will eat out, but we go places where we can eat healthfully.  We found this great little sushi place (at Sherwood Mall, no less) that makes great rolls and you can watch them make them, so we know exactly what goes into them.  All of these things have greatly improved the quality of my life.

I plan on keeping up with this blog some more.  I want to write and keep track.  I want to post about how I organize my life, how I make it can make it better, and how I have learned to enjoy a life lived in less space and fewer calories but much more enriched.  I'll post some of my recipes that we have found particularly yummy, some ideas for keeping life organized, and my adventures of jumping off the high dive of life and just, well... Weighting in the Deep End!

Keeping happy and healthy!

ToryLynn

Episode 65: Perceived Energy vs. Actual Energy

I just spent three days on a whirlwind tour of the East Coast.  What I could see of New Jersey, Pennsylvania and New York it is a beautiful place full of wonderful people, wonderful conversation and wonderful food.  And the great thing was the food wasn't the focus. I didn't come here to eat, I came her to see people and see things.  I found all to my satisfaction.

But Oh My Invisible Purple Unicorn!!!  I am SOOOOOOOOO sore.  My entire body is literally aching and sore right now and I have the beginnings of an awful headache. (Which will shortly be cut off by some of the best medication for headaches! Advil!!!--hey... I wouldn't mind an endorsement!)  However, it brings to mind an interesting point that AM pointed out on our travels.

I CAN MOVE!!!

When we're at home, I resist moving. It is nearly impossible to cajole me into an hour long walk, or even to walk to the grocery store.  Getting on the Wii takes promises of chocolate and doing the Tai Chi video takes promises of some good red wine.  I get snarky and complain that I don't want to, and you can't make me!

I have noticed that, while I'm not actual losing weight lately, I am losing my pain.  I used to have to sit on a walk around campus. My back would cramp up, followed by my calves tightening and I would absolutely need a rest. That is beginning to go away though and this year, I started the school year with a nearly non-stop walk around school because I needed to.

Friday, AM and I touristed our way around New York.  I walked for countless hours around the Museum of Natural History.  I strolled through (and got slightly lost) in Central Park, and we wandered around Times Square and then walked up to Broadway and then walked to Penn Station.  Yesterday, I went to a wedding reception and danced for hours!!  Today I plan on walking around Philadelphia to learn about the birth of our great nation!

If I was at home, I would have never moved this much! I would never have done this much!  I feel amazing (if not incredibly, painfully tired!) because of the high that this vacation gave me.  I love it!  Which brings me to my topic.

At home, I think that I won't have the energy to move around. I get home, I want to sit in front of the television or sit in front of the computer.  I will get up and maybe move to make dinner, but I won't work out, I won't go for walks because I am "too tired" to do anything.  I do not want to move.  I feel that my energy levels are absolutely drained as soon as I get home from work. This was my Perceived Energy.

But they're not! That is just what I think!  This idea that I have a finite amount of energy and that I cannot move is crap!  Proven by this weekend, there is so much that I am capable of!  I can walk for hours. I can get out and get up and do things! I have the energy in spite of my weight. In fact, with this new found knowledge, I have the power to make myself better.  This is my Actual Energy.

And I realized I have more Actual Energy than I have Perceived Energy.  I can do a lot of things in my life if I start looking at my Perceived Energy and considering my Actual Energy levels and try to make them match up more often.  It may make me feel more exhausted, but eventually, my Perceived Energy will increase because I will learn that I can do that much more.  And as my Perceived Energy goes up and I begin to lose weight, my Actual Energy will probably increase as well.  So, I've decided once a year (at least) I will come out to the East Coast and test my energy level and find out how much Actual Energy I have gained and adjust my life accordingly.

This should be a fun experiment! So, gentle reader, this is a consideration for you.  What is your Actual Energy (the amount of energy you can expend on things that you want to do) and what is your Perceived Energy (what you only think you can do).  You may find yourself surprised!

Until next time,

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?

AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer.  Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:

Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.

Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.

I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it.  I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.

I'm also a sucker for good advertising.  Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item.  I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost".  I love to buy things.

Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware.  Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides.  Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off.  (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless.  I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).

Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands.  We coveted that shiny metal cookware.  We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.

And then we went to the State Fair.  And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware.  Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware.  It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying.  He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables.  We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices.  We had to have this cookware!

So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it.  Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed.  I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.

It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new.  I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair.  I succeeded in burning the pan.  A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...

Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food.  Chicken without any seasonings is amazing!  Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic.  I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.

Now, I want to learn to really cook!  I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water.  AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado.  It all looks really great!

In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase.  So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too.  This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life.  With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right,  I have no doubts that I will test that claim.

Here's to our health!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!

Episode 61: Experimentation

Yesterday I posted about how I'm cooking from scratch and how I'm learning to cook with fresh ingredients and whole foods.  Here is an example of what I made!  

A while ago, for Christmas, AM got me a great little book called Cutie Pies.  My cousin, John, decided to make an apple pie this week, and it sounded so good (and I am too far away from Arizona to go and try his), I decided to make my own.

Rather than go with the traditional apple pie and crust, since I don't even think I am capable of latticing a crust as well as John, I chose to make a Sour Cream Apple Pie.  The recipe can be found here Sour Cream Apple Pie Deluxe, with a few minor tweaks.  Rather than use sour cream, which I don't actually have any of, I used plain full fat yogurt.  This added a bit of a tang that was really taken care of by the sugar in the mix. A pretty good addition, I think.  Instead of using white sugar in the topping, I used brown sugar, which is my favorite sugar. 

The pie crust I got from the Cutie Pies book and used a 6 inch pie shape to cut the pie crusts, which I pushed into buttered muffin tins.  Added the filling and the topping, and put in a 375 degree oven.  I checked on the pies every 5 minutes or so, and it took about 25 minutes for the crust to get golden brown and the topping to set just right.

AM says they're wonderful, and went back for seconds (which he split with me), and we have 9 little pies left over in the fridge for a future dessert craving.  

Yay for little pies!

May you find your own world to experiment with this week. Let me know what you've done to free some creativity!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 60: Nature

I was up at 6am going to the grocery store to buy milk.  As I walked back to my apartment in the cool morning air, my bag laden with milk, butter, brown sugar, bread and apples, I stopped for a moment and looked around me.  The air was crisp and there was dew hanging from a spider's web on a nearby rose bush.   The grass was lush and green and sparkling.  The sky was blue, as it is often here in California, and everything seemed to be at peace.  Even the birds seemed happier.  And I've noticed... I've been having more and more of these moments.  I will stop and think and wonder at the beauty of nature, the brilliance of everything around me, and I will be happy.

Lately, AM and I have been eating healthier.  Less processed foods, less junk.  We watch the sugars on foods that we buy like yogurt, and we don't buy diet foods (except Lo-Carb Monsters... because caffeine is essential).  More often than not, we will make things at home, using natural and fresher ingredients, and I am finally finally learning to cook in a way that is healthy.  I'm not losing weight, but I am not gaining weight either and my body feels a lot healthier and trimmer.  We use whole milk, full fat yogurts, real butter, real eggs, lean cuts of meat and vegetables. Every meal must have some sort of vegetables or fruit... or at least we try to make that happen.

Yesterday's lunch was tortillas with tomato basil hummus and feta cheese.  Very yummy.  This morning we are going German with some German puffed pancakes and apple slices.  I haven't made German pancakes in ages, and they used to be my sister and my favorite food when we were kids.  I'm using the half recipe here German Pancakes, and slicing up some apples and mixing them with brown sugar and baking them down a little bit until they are tender.  Should be great! I'll let you know how they turn out.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday morning and stay happy and healthy!

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 59: Cloud Bank

There are clouds over Stockton today.  As the criminologist would say, they are heavy, black... but maybe not so pendulous.  But I can see the edges of the clouds, and I can see the blue sky just beyond that rim of moisture.  The edges of the clouds are white, and if I look up with an anchoring point, like a telephone pole or a tree, I can see this cloud bank that hangs heavily over my life beginning to shift and move away.

That is how I feel lately, like I am under a huge black cloud that threatens rain. A storm cloud seems to be hanging over me constantly.  I feel like this cloud bank has been there for years.  Rain has been coming on and off in my life, and it feels like the bleakest hour, and I have been just waiting around for the sky to open up and rain to fall on my head.  I kept myself protected, I kept myself safe, and got used to this little black storm for years.  I even felt that it was what I needed, what I deserved and eventually came to the conclusion that it was what I wanted, what was right for me.

But now, I am seeing the edge of my own little black cloud bank.  I can see the sunlight, just beyond that white line.  I don't know what waits for me beyond, in the sunlight, but I can see real true happiness coming for me in the promise of no more rain.  Not saying that there won't be the occasional storm, because everybody needs a little rain from time to time to clean out the system, but I think that my life is going to get a lot sunnier soon.

To get ready for this new, sunshine filled life I am beginning to blossom, or as one of my long distance friends says, I am beginning to make my way out of my chrysalis.  I am signing up for classes, going out of my way to meet people and sometimes talk to them.  I smile more at people, and find that if you smile at someone and give them a cheery "Good day!", they will often smile back and respond in kind.  I really really like people, and I don't feel as scared anymore.

I live in one of the most crime filled places in the United States.  We recently had, in my city, our twenty first and twenty second homicides, one where a man was gunned down in the streets.  We have a horrible reputation, and cities that surround us often try to avoid us.  But I don't see that violence, I don't see that crime. I look in people's faces and often see potential for some sort of good in the world, some sort of happiness.  I hope I never have to lose that outlook.  Our news programs and media often highlight the violence, the terror, the fear and the hate that goes on around us, because fear is a real emotion that we all can experience.  By bringing these awful horrible things to the front of everybody's mind, they create fear and the masses don't realize that they are being emotionally manipulated to stay inside, lock up their children, keep them indoors watching more media, more fear, more hate.  It is very rare to see the sunlight in the news anymore, in the world anymore because all we see is the dark storm clouds overhead, and don't look for the edge where everything is going to be better, if we just look up and see that the storm clouds are moving away from us.

Smile at someone today, and say "Good Day" to them. See if they don't smile back.  It makes a world of difference to someone, sometimes.

Love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 57: Point-less

A confession: Since AM has been here, I haven't really been counting points.  I haven't been eating awfully,and we are keeping each other on task for exercise and walking and being healthy.  I haven't been following the Weight Watcher's way, and I haven't been going to meetings, or even really weighing in.

But... I feel healthier.  I am happy.  I admit, my weight has always been a bit of a hassle for me, a bit of a sore spot, and it's not like I don't care about it, but I am happier and I think healthier even if I'm not really paying attention to points.  I eat my vegetables with (nearly) every meal. Instead of candy bars and carbs in my desk, I keep a small container of nuts and dried fruit next to my projector at school and munch a bit while my students are working.  Instead of ice cream every night (I was incredibly addicted to Drumsticks for a while), I grab a mandarin orange out of the basket on our table.

Don't get me wrong, I do still eat ice cream and brownies. I still make mini pies for dinner (bacon, mushroom and cheddar are my favorites), but I'm not constantly craving it anymore.  I'm not constantly in need of something sweet.  I do enjoy it from time to time, but my cravings are starting to go away.

I am watching my carb intake, and my sugar intake (although the White Chocolate Mocha I just had at Starbucks probably would kill any Atkins subscriber immediately), but I'm not starving myself, I'm not feeling deprived.  I feel healthier than I have in a really long time.  I do sort of envy the people who start and continue a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or even Atkins.  These are things I just don't have the mental toughness and will power to follow through on.  So, I will just keep on keeping on, making healthier choices without really depriving myself and I will just learn to be happier.  I"m learning that happiness, in the long run, means more to me than food.

I am finding other things to be happy about:  my Nook, my wonderful boyfriend, a shared meal at the dinner table, a good conversation.  I will always be thankful that AM has brought these things into my life. (Ok... ok... enough sappy romance.)

I will continue with my weight loss journey.  I will lose weight, but I will not obsess over it.  I will eat healthier foods (and share them with you, oh obscure reader).  I will strive to lead a healthier, happier, more active lifestyle.  For now, I leave with one parting thought:

It is not how much you weigh that will be weighed in the balance at the end of your life. Friends and family will not judge you on how large your casket is, but how large your heart was.  Be kind, gentle reader, to those around you.  It is the greatest measure of a person.

With love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 47: Taking Care of Myself

I talk about change a lot here, but that is because I feel like I'm changing.. and I am.

I used to be a slob.  Ok.. well.. I'm a little bit of a slob still, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be.  I can actually see the carpet in my apartment, I can actually move around without tripping over something.  But, I have also noticed that my slovenly ways are receding from my personal self too.

Showers and long hot baths are something that I have always enjoyed immensely.  I used to just jump out, grab my clothes (whatever I was wearing that day) and get dressed quickly and be out the door.  My morning routine is beginning to take a bit of a longer time, and I think it is because I'm beginning to respect myself more. Now, when I get out of the shower, I put lotion on, to keep my skin soft.  I like the feel of it on newly shaved legs, and the way that the cloth of my pants sort of slides over this newly treated skin.  It feels good on my arms and the rest of my body as well, but I notice it most on newly shaved legs.  I LOVE Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber. It is my favorite scent (even though today I found an old container of Chocolate Body Butter, so I smell like a chocolate bar yay!) and I have the body wash and the lotion and the triple hydrating body cream as well.  So, that makes me smell good.

I used to just throw my hair up in a bun, wet or not, and let it dry that way. It made for some interesting curls.. or very damp hair, when I finally took out the bun at the end of the day.  Now, after putting on my lotion, I take the towel off of my hair and actually use the blow dryer.  It makes my hair soft and shiny and while it doesn't add any curl (my hair is really really naturally straight) it does give it a lot of shine and a lot less of that horrible fuzziness.

I tend towards comfortable clothes.. jeans and t-shirts, rather than stylish or overly professional, but even with this, as I put on my clothes, I am finding that I choose them much more carefully.  I look over what I plan to wear, I pick it out and feel good about my choices.  It may not be perfect or what is the most latest or modern thing, but I feel good getting dressed in the morning.  I can't wait to weigh a LOT less so that when I do put on clothes, they fit really well, and look stylish.  Even in Second Life, where my body is perfect, I tend towards jeans and sweaters.  It's just my style (unless I'm being cute, and then it's mini-skirts and thigh high stockings and sweaters... and maybe I'll wear more of that if I get myself down to a good 130 pounds or so. LOL)

Anyway, the gist is that...I feel better about myself.  I am respecting myself more and I feel that I am worth taking care of.  The wrinkles that are coming in on my face from age are all laugh lines, my body is beginning to be in the best shape I've been in for at least five years, and I feel that with time and effort, I can do just about anything.

On a side note, just a little one, this new self respect.. is making me not want to take shit from my students anymore so I'm really getting annoyed at disrespectful behavior.  Looks like I have some behavior modifications to do in my classroom as well.

Off for a glorious day watching movies with my students! (Premonition is a great follow up to irony and ambiguity!)

Have a glorious day!

ToryLynn