My scariest health scare in a while...

Physically and mentally I have had a really hard time lately. In June or July, my doctor took me off of my blood pressure medication.  My body and my brain have been going through an absolute mess ever since.

The blood pressure medication was discontinued because of an allergy. My face started swelling up. This probably started in 2019, and was mostly just the left side of my face on my jaw. There would be a strange feeling, then a lump, then a little bit of swelling. I finally broke down around January or February of 2020 and finally went to the urgent care doctor that could see me and they diagnosed me with a blocked salivary gland. Try to eat less sodium-- and hey, while you're at it, work on losing some weight. To help activate the salivary glands, why not suck on some hard candies. 

The swelling continued, without any explanation, and sometimes it got into my throat, which would construct as if I had tonsillitis or something. We were told that it was a food allergy, so let's do an allergy diet. Constrict a food, see if that helps. I got rid of cinnamon and mangos and watermelon and lettuce and a few others that I honestly can't remember.  I introduced them back in to no reaction, so continued to eat them. 

I tried that, and for a while, it seemed to work a little bit. Then, sometime during the pandemic, I would guess winter of 2020, I had a major episode. My face started to swell, but this time, it wasn't just my face, but my throat completely closed off as well. I stopped being able to breathe through my mouth. I couldn't breathe if I was laying down. I could sit up with a TON of pillows behind me and my CPAP machine on and sort of breathe that way, but if I laid down at all, everything was completely constricted. Because of the pandemic, the thought of going to the emergency room by myself caused a severe anxiety attack, so I waited it out. The swelling went down, but I decided I was done with this.

I contacted my doctor again, wondering if this could be some kind of autoimmune disease or something strange, and she sent me in for tests.  Nothing too exciting came back. I had some elevated things and some low things. Then on January 20th, Inauguration Day, I woke up at midnight to the itching and swelling -- again.  I posted a picture to my Facebook, joking about how my face was so proud that Biden was President it had swelled right up.

Ultimately, we found out that it was an allergy to a medication. I stopped taking the medication and almost immediately lost 25 pounds.  I found most of it again, since I'm not moving as much as I should, and also because of all of the testing and medical stuff found out that I have some tumors on my hip, arthritis in my back and lymphedema in my legs. 

I don't make resolutions. I'm bad at keeping them, as most people are, so I'm going to leave this here to think about and to encourage myself and others to take better care of themselves. I'm tired of being scared. 

Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Episode 88: Cred

So, I went to a conference this weekend. It was pretty awesome. I learned a lot of educating stuff, and I got to hang out with and strengthen my relationship with some of the teachers around my district.  I would like to see my district, a quite large one, learn to use the information that we were given at the conference.  I would like to see deeper collaboration, time spent on learning, getting to know each other and having a good time doing it.  I think that is what a lot of my district has a problem with. There are so many bitter teachers that sit around and complain about how awful the district is and how we have no choice in the matter without actually wanting to do anything.  They need to change that attitude... and I guess, so do I.

Mostly I need to change my attitude about weight loss and getting healthier.  I admit, my attitude isn't the greatest.  I could be a lot better.  I complain that I hurt; I complain that I'm tired; I complain that I'm just not in the mood.  But when it comes down to it, I think there is a little bit of fear there as well.  While I'm not entirely comfortable in my body.. ok.. I'm not comfortable at all in my body, I have found that I'm sort of scared of the expectations of other people.  I think I had a blog post about this about a month or two ago. I haven't really been blogging and I'm tired of saying "oh, I'll get back to it" and then not, so I'm just going to do it. I was losing weight and being healthier when I blogged, and so I just need to do it.

I am finding that I blog more about what I think people should hear, or do things that people think that people expect me to do or say. I have great ideas, but I'm awful at enforcing them on myself, I guess.

So anyway, to today's topic.  (I did mention I ramble, didn't I?)

At my conference this weekend, they gave out these Google Badges, one for each level of learning.  If you went to certain sessions, you got the badges and you had a certain amount of.. well.. teacher cred.   I got all three badges from the conference, and I was able to brag to one of the administrators who had joined us.  And then AM and I were discussing weight loss and Weight Watchers and points and such. We use an app called Fooducate sometimes to tell us how healthy certain foods are.  These foods come with a certain point system.  Point systems just work sometimes, you know.  And badges. Which is why Weight Watchers sort of worked for me.  It was a definitive, easy to count amount of points, and you could earn little trinkets and badges and such.  You got weight loss cred.

Unfortunately, I have lost all of my cred. Excepting the 4 pounds I seem to keep losing and gaining back (and 4 pounds really isn't that much to me) I am at the heaviest weight I can remember being ever.  I need to get my cred back. Maybe the way I can do that is with stickers, or badges that I create. I could have a smallish one that is for each pound that I have lost. A bigger one for when I lose 5% of my body weight, a bigger one and a non-food item that I want when I've lost 10%... and keep going from there. I would often lose 10% of my body weight with Weight Watchers, but because that was the last bit that you could lose before they expected you to get your "lifetime" goal of whatever the BMI recommendations are (which for me are between 110 and 130), I would quit because I didn't have that reward system anymore.  I would have to lose half of myself and then half of that again almost to get down to that place, and that is intimidating.  Lost 30 pounds! Yay.. 10% of my weight, but then.. what after that. It is nearly 200 pounds without any sort of reward, just a massive slog and a lot of plateaus.

No, I won't go back on Weight Watchers, but I do need to start giving myself, or making myself badges.  If I could figure out how, I would post them to my blog, somewhere visible.  A whole stream of little stickery badges down the side, 230 of them for each pound I will lose. Give me some Cred.

Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Episode 85: To be continued...

My part of California hasn't had much rain lately, but this last weekend, I got to snuggle down into my warm little apartment and experience something I have needed for a long, long while: a weekend of rain and relaxation and lots and lots of grading.  I have today off too, and I have a lot of grading to do, since my grades for the progress reports are due on Wedensday, but I got a big chunk of grading done that I had been avoiding for a while. So, Yay me!  

What I haven't been so good at, dear reader, is actually spending any of that time cooking. I have not created anything healthy in my kitchen for.. a few weeks at least. Not for lack of fresh and good ingredients.  My wonderful AM has started his skills based class at San Joaquin Delta College, and he is doing amazing.  So, in his spare time, when he's not doing homework or being awesome, he is spending time practicing his knife skills by cutting up vegetables, or clarifying butter for a sauce or just a lot of things. He is amazing.  But, now I have a refrigerator full of diced, sliced, chopped vegetables, and I haven't been using them.  Bad Tory!

So, today's goal is to pull out the slow cooker and start to make a good stock that we can add some noodly bits to and make a great vegetable soup.  It is getting to be soup weather around here, and it is something I can take to school for lunches and savor.  I hope to get this started before I have a busy busy day off.  Why do I have to schedule all the stuff on my day's off and not actually have a day off? Because I'm a teacher.  So, today's to-do list includes: Start stock, my annual physical (yes, I'm nervous!) and buy clothes for my trip to Arizona next week (and even more nervous!)

I don't really know why I am writing today except that I want to write.  I want to start writing again, and I am tired of saying "Oh, I'm refreshing, or oh.. it's a new me" because it's not. This is the same old me. I am not starting anything new, I am not trying to be anything that I am not.  I am just trying to get healthier. I am trying to be better at being human, but that is all I am doing.  Just becoming a better human.  Coming out of my chrysalis, I suppose.  It has been a long, slow journey and I have a lot more struggling to do.  

I think I'll start writing every day, even if it is just for me.

This is my chronicle.  This is the page that reads: And the story continues...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 79: Feeling the DOMS

Owie! Owie Owie Owie!  I did my first Curves workout about.. 8 hours ago and now I'm feeling it.  My arms, my back, my legs, even my abs are sore like crazy.  It actually takes an effort to sit and type this because I have to hold up my arms.  I was thinking about going back tomorrow, but screw that! I need time to heal!

What I am feeling is called DOMS, or Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness.  It happens from up to a few hours to a few days after a workout.  When you work out, your muscles stretch and create tiny tears within the muscle.  You don't feel these tears during or right after a workout because your body is producing endorphins and adrenaline and stuff that makes you feel good and want to keep going.  I know that I felt awesome after my workout. I could have done more and wanted to, but two circuits was what I was told to do.  Now the endorphins and adrenaline and everything have moved on and gone back to normal levels and I can feel those little tears.  The pain is good.  The pain is good. (I have to keep telling myself this, or I will not ever go back!)  The pain is good because it means that my body is beginning to repair those tiny little muscle tears by creating more muscle tissue to fill in those spaces.  More muscle tissue burns more fat and more fat burning means a thinner, happier, lighter Tory.  Yay!

It also means I'm exhausted and ready to turn on the sheet and pillowcase show.  I hope the movie behind my eyelids is awesome tonight, because I'm going to be watching it for a while!

Happy dreams everybody!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 78: The Return of Wegetarian Wednesdays!

MM.. Wegetarian Wednesdays.  Where we wander through culinary bliss into the realm of the meatless.  We eat bean soups and spinach salads and sometimes a Trader Joe's Roasted Veggie pizza, if we're being particularly lazy.  The idea of Wegetarian Wednesdays came with the more frequent trips to the farmers markets, a reason to use up some of our market produce and it just felt right.

I like doing Wegetarian Wednesday on a Wednesday because it's the middle of the week. Some people prefer something like "Meatless Mondays" where they feel better about themselves after gorging all weekend by reasserting the diet mythos of "Oh, I will start over on Monday", which means that if you screw up on a Thursday afternoon, you have three free days of gorging yourself into oblivion which you can excuse by saying "Oh, it's ok. I'm starting a diet on Monday".  The point of Wegetarian Wednesdays isn't to start over, but to rededicate yourself.  If you slipped up a little on Tuesday, don't give up, but eat healthier.  That way you have Thursday, Friday and Saturday and you can go "I survived until Wednesday, why give up now?"  Wednesday is that hump in the road, that road block that we have to hurtle past into the unknown realms of diethood, where we can keep our heads held high and say "No, I ate Vegetarian last night.  I don't need that piece of Thursday morning bagel, and I don't have to take part in that Friday morning box of doughnuts that my boss just brought in. I have more willpower than that!"

Tonight's Wegetarian Wednesday was bean soup, which will get posted tomorrow for recipe Thursday.  It was a good thick hearty soup that was delicious.  I've noticed lately that a lot of our vegetarian meals sort of revolve around the idea of beans.  Beans for protein or beans just as a filling substitute to something that would normally be meat.  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with beans, and they certainly made a delicious meal tonight, but there has to be more out there. 

AM and I switch off making meals every other night.  He is training and reading up on being a chef since he is going to culinary school, but I like to cook too, so every other night (well... hopefully), I am cooking. That means in an average month, I am preparing about 2 vegetarian dishes a month.  I need more variety with less starch.

So, I call out to you, gentle reader.  Help me increase my repertoire of vegetarian meals into my beautiful pink Arc planner, so that I can create a wonderful cookbook and have a whole slew of meals to create that will satisfy our tastebuds and our budget and not be just another bean soup or salad.

Hoping to hear from you soon...

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S.  I hope I never have to type Wednesday that many times ever again! :)

Episode 75: To market, to market

The cool morning air buzzed with the voices of the patrons and from the center of the market stalls, a single violinist fiddled away, singing folksy country songs  behind a metal can.  Familiar voices ring out from the stall and the scent of barbecuing meat wafts over the open market stalls.  There is no need for catcalls or showmanship by the sellers.  It is market day and there is very little reason to call attention to any particular booth, as all are busy with customers, some empty handed, some laden with goods from other booths, pick over the selection, chose their week's produce and go away happy.

This is the paradise I stepped in to this morning. The sun wasn't hiding so much as clothed gently in the wispy clouds, making the temperatures bearable in the early May morning.  I love going to the farmer's market.  We try to go weekly, but we will sometimes skip a week, but we are never really disappointed either.  WE go so often that we are beginning to know which stalls are our favorite. We are beginning to learn the names of the men and women who work behind the tables planted under canopies and tents.  They recognize us and smile and ask how we liked the selection that we took last week.  We mention soups and they smile, recommending cooking methods.  One merchant even gave us a handout with a recipe for red bean chocolate cake.  

I've written before about using locally grown produce, and about supporting our local economy and eating what is in season, what we find there at that market. It is wonderful to watch the colors change in the booths, from the verdant greens and yellows of the winter squashes to the bright beautiful redness of the ripest sweetest strawberries I have tasted in a long time.  We walk up the rows before we buy anything, checking prices against prices, looking for the best produce, never buying everything from just one booth.  

Market day used to be a tradition. It was a gathering place once a week for the town to get together and celebrate the harvest, celebrate the products that people brought out.  It was a chance for money to exchange, for a local economy to grow strong and for an area to flourish.  It kept the people together, and it kept the people's safe.  You didn't steal from the guy who sold you your food and if you were the seller, you didn't steal from your customers. In fact, you would often give someone down on their luck who was a good customer a deal on food.  

I think this is what we need to go back to. Create a community around these markets, create an idea that we are all in this together, and the world will be more peaceful!  Yay for market days! :)

Off to bed!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 70: Whole

Wow.. new blog window.  Kind of looks like Google Docs! Cool!

I went to the grocery store today to pick up some stuff that we needed around the house.  Some of those essential things that seem to be on everybody's weekly shopping list.  Today I bought: a half gallon of milk, a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread.

A couple of years ago, that would have been just those things. The half gallon of milk would have probably been 2%, the bread would have been cheap white bread and the eggs would be the store brand.  Today, those purchases were very different.  I bought whole milk, cage free eggs and multigrain whole wheat bread. Not to presume what you are thinking, dear reader, but I know that many people would say "Wait a minute! That milk is bad for you!  It's got all sorts of fat in it and you should drink something with less fat.  It's better for you!"  This may be true, but.. let me justify myself a bit.

I believe in whole foods. If I could find and drink raw milk and cream, I would, but pasteurized is good enough, since it is just a process that heats and cools the milk, killing bacteria, so it doesn't kill you. Other than process, and skimming off the milk fats to make butter (which I also buy in whole fat variety), that's about all the processing I would really like to see my foods go through. If I could live on a farm where I could make sure that my chickens are well treated and well fed and their eggs are healthy, I would, but the eggs I buy are certified by the American Humane society, which is good enough for me.  When I have time and the inclination, I make my own breads, so that I know that it is whole wheat flour that goes into it, and I know I'm not using artificial chemicals to make that bread last longer in my bread box.  Sure, it's not sliced to perfect uniformity, but I feel better knowing what goes into my bread won't kill me or make me even sicker.

We live in an age where everything is highly processed.  We drink and eat things with high fructose corn syrup, where the sugars have been pulled out of corn, melted down, made into syrup and added back into things that have sugar in them.  Much of our food has chemicals that are nearly impossible to pronounce added to them.  Much of our food comes from a plant where workers and machines process whole foods into something that doesn't even look like food anymore and then add dyes and chemicals so that it looks like food again and is something that we will bring to our table and share with our family.

If I have children, I want to be able to raise them to make healthy choices and eat real food, food like it used to taste in the time of my grandmother and my great grandmother.  I want them to choose foods that are good for them.  I buy whole milk.  I buy fresh, cage free eggs. These are the choices that I make for myself and my family.

I've been making these choices for myself for over a year now.  Though I haven't lost a lot of weight (mostly because of my sloth-like lifestyle and lack of willpower, which I will get to in a future post), there have been a lot of changes because of these choices.  My skin is healthier and clear where I used to get tons of acne.  My perpetual battle with cold sores has become nearly non-existent.  My cheeks are rosier and I recently went into my hairdresser, who I visited a year ago, and she was amazed at how fast my hair grows and how much healthier, thicker and fuller it was.  My energy levels are increasing, I can do a lot more for myself.  I am empowered... I am healthier, I am happier and I feel like I am becoming whole again.

Episode 68: Braaaaaaiiinnsssss!!!!

You are running through Abel Township, the wind in your face.  You are on a scouting mission, looking for supplies that will help the survivors and trying to dodge zombies... Yes.  Zombies.  As you run or even just walk fast - which is what I do - you hear them lurching and groaning behind you!  The only thing you can do is walk - or run, if you're healthier than I am - a bit faster.  Just a bit.  The voice of the zombie detector alerts you that zombies are only 100 yards behind you.  You put on a burst of speed, hoping against hope that you can outdistance them as they make their way towards you and you make your way towards the gate of the complex.  Your only chance of survival is getting back to civilization.  This is Zombies, Run!

I've only used the app a few times, but I can certainly see the merit in it.  Zombies run is a cross platform app that is meant to help motivate you to move more.  You put your headphones in, select an episode (I'm halfway through episode 2), turn on your GPS and head out for a morning walk.  The app does the rest for you, adding in music from a playlist that you tell it you want to hear music from (mine is called zombies and I'm constantly adding to it) and then interspersing story bits between songs.  As you go, you collect bits of helpful materials that will add to the health and happiness of Abel Township is currently second level.  The story is interesting and you hear a bit of sadness as the backstory of the encampment is revealed.  I'm not sure what is going on quite yet, but I have learned that I am the new Runner Five and in the first campaign, I happen to run into the first Runner Five, which turns into a tragic story of its own.

So far I am enjoying the app.  It is getting me out there; it is getting me moving.  My doctor was happy to hear I have something that helps to motivate me to move.  Because of an inflamed bursa in my knee, he asked me to take it slow, I will, but I am looking forward to my next zombie walk.

Oh, the program also has a Couch to 5k add on that I'm going to get as soon as I get used to walking more often.  Maybe not by April, but sometime in the next year, I will be able to walk a 5k.  Then, perhaps, I will work up to a light jog.

Here's to a happy, healthy New Year... with zombies!!

ToryLynn (who knows she can survive the zombie apocalypse given enough training!)

Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?

AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer.  Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:

Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.

Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.

I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it.  I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.

I'm also a sucker for good advertising.  Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item.  I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost".  I love to buy things.

Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware.  Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides.  Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off.  (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless.  I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).

Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands.  We coveted that shiny metal cookware.  We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.

And then we went to the State Fair.  And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware.  Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware.  It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying.  He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables.  We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices.  We had to have this cookware!

So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it.  Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed.  I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.

It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new.  I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair.  I succeeded in burning the pan.  A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...

Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food.  Chicken without any seasonings is amazing!  Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic.  I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.

Now, I want to learn to really cook!  I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water.  AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado.  It all looks really great!

In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase.  So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too.  This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life.  With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right,  I have no doubts that I will test that claim.

Here's to our health!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!

Episode 56: Rebirth

Hi! 

I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose.  Well, mostly bliss anyway.  Things are good... for the most part.

Except my weight.

I seem to have reached some sort of plateau.  I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.

This needs to stop.

So, Easter is coming up.  I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion.  That being said, Easter is an interesting time.  It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals.  But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking. 

Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year.  Their God is reborn after three days.  I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.

I need to get back on track.  I need to be counting points, spending time exercising.  Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking.  We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company.  We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza.  (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures).  We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful!  And we walked so much!!

And when we got home... we felt it!  I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often.  Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system.  So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.

Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points.  Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you.  Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places).  Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing.  Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list. 

But they need to be.  I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either.  If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure.  My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on.  If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet.  It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.

The last part of my rebirth is my blog.  I need to start blogging again.  I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it.  I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately.  I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it.  This is (mostly) for me.

I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating.  I am a responsible adult.  I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.

Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 55: Renouncing my citizenship

I, ToryLynn, hereby renounce my citizenship to the Fast Food Nation.

AM and I have been mostly avoiding the fast food since he moved out here, and because both of us were not feeling very well, we decided that we would skip making dinner at home (which we have been very good about) and have fast food.  So, we looked through the adverts for something to eat and found that Carl's Jr. had a 2 for $5 deal on Western Bacon Cheeseburgers.  These are awesome hunks of meat topped with bacon, barbecue sauce and an onion ring.  We ordered some criss-cut fries to go with it, and went home.

Now lately, I have been eating a mostly healthier diet: Tortillas with a bit of butter and cheese, Vietnamese soup with vegetables, baked chicken with mashed potatoes.  I hadn't though, however, that I had gotten so far from my former grease laden diet and I thought I would be fine.  I was soooo wrong.

Almost immediately after eating the fast food, wave after wave of nausea flowed over me. My skin felt like I had bathed in bacon grease, and the meat wad that was my dinner weighed heavily in my stomach.  I was not fine.  And then I thought back on what I had been eating lately.  No McDonald's, no Burger King, no Wendy's.  These were all things that had been a staple in my diet and I remembered calling EH very often on my way home and asking what I should pick up on the way home for dinner.  I don't do that anymore. If I call on the way home from work, it is now so that I can tell AM that he needs to get dressed and I'm picking him up to go grocery shopping, or go to the mall for a walk, or we will go out for Non-fat yogurt with some toasted coconut. (Ok.. ok.. so the chocolate syrup is probably not the best thing to add to it, but it's SOO yummy!)  Fast food with all of its grease and carbs and meat wads just isn't something I eat much of anymore.

So, because of this, I am renouncing my citizenship to the Fast Food Nation. No longer will I hold thrall to the  sticky greasy fries and filler packed meat of a hamburger with no vegetables except the rehydrated onions and  pickles.  I will no longer be enthralled by potatoes that have been chopped and drowned in oils and salted to near unrecognizableness.  If I can help it, I will no longer stop off for foods that I know will clog my arteries and raise my blood pressure, and if I do, I will try to make healthier choices and find foods that may actually have vegetables in them and which aren't drowned in oils and salt.

That isn't saying that I am completely giving up on some foods.  KFC, for instance, is always a favorite of mine, but on the healthiness of fast food, isn't all that bad when paired with something like corn on the cob or even mashed potatoes.  I will occasionally enjoy a slushy or even a milkshake.  But I will make better choices.

In other, rather health related news, my blood tests all came back good. No cholesterol problems, no thyroid problems, my blood sugar is within normal limits.  I am healthy, though I am large.  More exercise (Today is my 1000th day of using Wii Fit, though I have large period of non-use, I started using it 1000 days ago and have been at least doing a body test daily for the last week and half or so), less fatty foods and lots of happy  thoughts will keep me living long and healthily.  Won't you all join me?

With love and lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 48: Adulthood

He asked me today what was my proudest moment.  I answered without hesitation that it was the day that I got my BA.  I continued, volunteering that my second proudest moment was the day that I stood in front of my own classroom for the first time.  He still tells me every day, in one way or another, that he is proud of me, but most importantly, I am becoming proud of myself.

So, you know how, when you're a kid you often have to have an adult tell you to "eat your vegetables"?  I think I need an adult in my life now.  I haven't really eaten a lot of vegetables in recent years. In fact, I pretty much hate vegetables.  I realize that I'm an adult myself, I realize that I have a lot of really great things going for me right now, but I still hate eating vegetables.  It may be that I haven't yet found a vegetable that I like particularly well.  I'm willing to try some.  I'm willing to try a few, actually. For instance, today I bought some brussel sprouts.  Brussel sprouts have been my most maligned vegetable ever. The first time I tried to eat them, they had been boiled and they nearly made me gag.  I have had many people tell me that brussel sprouts are actually pretty good, so I am willing to give them another try. Now I need to find some recipes that may make brussel sprouts palatable.  I've heard a few.. fry them in butter and garlic, roast them with garlic, roast them with onions... If you have any suggestions, let me know. The bag I got from TraderJoe's says to microwave them within the bag and I'm kinda icked out by the idea.

I'm taking more pride in who I am.  When asked about my proudest moments, I have quite a few.  College graduation, becoming a teacher, and now, kind of.. getting out on my own and being my own person.  I'm not looking to anybody to support me and I can take care of myself.  I have worked hard for a lot of my victories.  I studied, I read, I planned on ways to help myself become successful.  My success is not only my own. Others have helped me along the way, and have supported me, and while I appreciate all of their help, I was the one who got the degree, I was the one who became a teacher.  I know this sounds selfish and prideful, and perhaps it is. I worked hard to get where I am today.  What I'm going through lately, with my divorce and my weight loss, is also going to take a lot of work and a lot of time to get through.  I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends and family who will be there to back me up and support me, but I also know that I have hard work that only I can do.  I have to start planning out what I eat, making plans, sticking to them, in order to be successful in weight loss.  I have to start planning out a budget and sticking to it in order to be successful in my finances.

I've never been much of a planner. In the words of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman", "I'm kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl".  EH (changed now, for Ex-Husband) was always the planner.  He made elaborate itineraries, booked hotels, figured out what we were doing for vacations, for work, for life.  It was his job, and so I let him do it in our lives as well.  Now, I'm on my own to do those sorts of things, and I'm finding it difficult.  I have to plan out meals, make grocery lists, take care of the cats (which, I feel, are sadly neglected) and learn to finally be an adult.

It is strange to finally take care of myself.  Much of my family has said to me in the past that EH was good for me because he "took good care of me".  Not to impugn EH, but.. if he took such good care of me, how is it that I nearly had a nervous breakdown a few years ago? How is it that I came to weigh over 300 pounds? Why is it that I'm struggling to pay down the massive credit card debt that we have gotten into over our 9 year marriage, and I have no assets to show for it?  Don't get me wrong. I am not angry at him. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like a child and not taking care of - or much interest in - things like my health and my finances before.  Much of what I am going through right now could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself in the past.  Thirty-five is kind of late in the game to be finally growing up and becoming an adult, but here I am, throwing my hat in the ring of adulthood and hoping that I find myself in the process.

I guess part of that adulthood is that I learn to eat vegetables. Blech...

Got any good recipes?

With love and laughter...

ToryLynn

Episode 46: What is Healthy?

Can't post long.  I have to take a shower and get to work.

So, I lost my five percent.  My next goal is to get to 10%, which doesn't seem all that far off. But after that, what is my weight goal?  According to Weight Watchers, in order to reach life time membership, I should weight between 106 and 132.  I don't think I've weighed 132 since I was in grade school. That doesn't mean I wasn't healthy though.  Around 150, I think was when I was "fit" and "healthy".  I may have had a few pounds, but I felt like I wasn't doing too bad for myself.  I've always had broad shoulders and wide hips (makes for a nice hourglass shape), but I can say that at 150, I was healthy.  Getting down to 132, which would be more than losing half of who I am now, would be.. well.. amazing, but weird for me.

Through right now, I'm not feeling too healthy.  I have, I think, developed a cold, and a splitting migraine.  My eyes have gone all wonky and if it wasn't the week before finals, I probably wouldn't be going to school.  I wish I could throw on a movie and just let them learn something that way, but it wouldn't be fair to them. The students do need to learn something.

So, I am off for a long hot shower and a day of teaching poetry!  Fortunately, poetry is one of my favorite things (as well as raindrops on roses and warn woolen mittens).

I hope you have a glorious Tuesday.  I want to go back to bed...

ToryLynn