A confession: Since AM has been here, I haven't really been counting points. I haven't been eating awfully,and we are keeping each other on task for exercise and walking and being healthy. I haven't been following the Weight Watcher's way, and I haven't been going to meetings, or even really weighing in.
But... I feel healthier. I am happy. I admit, my weight has always been a bit of a hassle for me, a bit of a sore spot, and it's not like I don't care about it, but I am happier and I think healthier even if I'm not really paying attention to points. I eat my vegetables with (nearly) every meal. Instead of candy bars and carbs in my desk, I keep a small container of nuts and dried fruit next to my projector at school and munch a bit while my students are working. Instead of ice cream every night (I was incredibly addicted to Drumsticks for a while), I grab a mandarin orange out of the basket on our table.
Don't get me wrong, I do still eat ice cream and brownies. I still make mini pies for dinner (bacon, mushroom and cheddar are my favorites), but I'm not constantly craving it anymore. I'm not constantly in need of something sweet. I do enjoy it from time to time, but my cravings are starting to go away.
I am watching my carb intake, and my sugar intake (although the White Chocolate Mocha I just had at Starbucks probably would kill any Atkins subscriber immediately), but I'm not starving myself, I'm not feeling deprived. I feel healthier than I have in a really long time. I do sort of envy the people who start and continue a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or even Atkins. These are things I just don't have the mental toughness and will power to follow through on. So, I will just keep on keeping on, making healthier choices without really depriving myself and I will just learn to be happier. I"m learning that happiness, in the long run, means more to me than food.
I am finding other things to be happy about: my Nook, my wonderful boyfriend, a shared meal at the dinner table, a good conversation. I will always be thankful that AM has brought these things into my life. (Ok... ok... enough sappy romance.)
I will continue with my weight loss journey. I will lose weight, but I will not obsess over it. I will eat healthier foods (and share them with you, oh obscure reader). I will strive to lead a healthier, happier, more active lifestyle. For now, I leave with one parting thought:
It is not how much you weigh that will be weighed in the balance at the end of your life. Friends and family will not judge you on how large your casket is, but how large your heart was. Be kind, gentle reader, to those around you. It is the greatest measure of a person.
With love and lollipops,
ToryLynn
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Episode 50: A Review
Wow.. has it been 50 posts so far? Ok. I admit, I have been really lax at posting for the last week or so, mostly because of my complete lack of internet connection. I am currently sitting and soaking up the warmth, the coffee and the ambiance of Noah's bagels... and stealing their internet. I won't get mine back until the seventh.
I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back. I have to get back on track for a few reasons. I may have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong. I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy. I also just want to be healthier. So, that is what I'm going to do.
When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction. If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body. I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!
In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life. I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me. I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in. I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back. As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.
This new year will be a new start for me. I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year. My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner. I guess I just needed a catalyst. I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well. I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully. These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.
Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again. I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel. I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.
I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.
Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new. I hate moving. I hate looking at the old memories. I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself. I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable. I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now. My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while. Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.
I know that I can make it on my own. I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be. Life is what you make of it. Today, I am making it my own.
Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii
ToryLynn
I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back. I have to get back on track for a few reasons. I may have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong. I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy. I also just want to be healthier. So, that is what I'm going to do.
When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction. If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body. I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!
In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life. I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me. I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in. I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back. As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.
This new year will be a new start for me. I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year. My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner. I guess I just needed a catalyst. I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well. I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully. These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.
Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again. I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel. I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.
I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.
Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new. I hate moving. I hate looking at the old memories. I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself. I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable. I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now. My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while. Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.
I know that I can make it on my own. I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be. Life is what you make of it. Today, I am making it my own.
Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii
ToryLynn
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Episode 48: Adulthood
He asked me today what was my proudest moment. I answered without hesitation that it was the day that I got my BA. I continued, volunteering that my second proudest moment was the day that I stood in front of my own classroom for the first time. He still tells me every day, in one way or another, that he is proud of me, but most importantly, I am becoming proud of myself.
So, you know how, when you're a kid you often have to have an adult tell you to "eat your vegetables"? I think I need an adult in my life now. I haven't really eaten a lot of vegetables in recent years. In fact, I pretty much hate vegetables. I realize that I'm an adult myself, I realize that I have a lot of really great things going for me right now, but I still hate eating vegetables. It may be that I haven't yet found a vegetable that I like particularly well. I'm willing to try some. I'm willing to try a few, actually. For instance, today I bought some brussel sprouts. Brussel sprouts have been my most maligned vegetable ever. The first time I tried to eat them, they had been boiled and they nearly made me gag. I have had many people tell me that brussel sprouts are actually pretty good, so I am willing to give them another try. Now I need to find some recipes that may make brussel sprouts palatable. I've heard a few.. fry them in butter and garlic, roast them with garlic, roast them with onions... If you have any suggestions, let me know. The bag I got from TraderJoe's says to microwave them within the bag and I'm kinda icked out by the idea.
I'm taking more pride in who I am. When asked about my proudest moments, I have quite a few. College graduation, becoming a teacher, and now, kind of.. getting out on my own and being my own person. I'm not looking to anybody to support me and I can take care of myself. I have worked hard for a lot of my victories. I studied, I read, I planned on ways to help myself become successful. My success is not only my own. Others have helped me along the way, and have supported me, and while I appreciate all of their help, I was the one who got the degree, I was the one who became a teacher. I know this sounds selfish and prideful, and perhaps it is. I worked hard to get where I am today. What I'm going through lately, with my divorce and my weight loss, is also going to take a lot of work and a lot of time to get through. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends and family who will be there to back me up and support me, but I also know that I have hard work that only I can do. I have to start planning out what I eat, making plans, sticking to them, in order to be successful in weight loss. I have to start planning out a budget and sticking to it in order to be successful in my finances.
I've never been much of a planner. In the words of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman", "I'm kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl". EH (changed now, for Ex-Husband) was always the planner. He made elaborate itineraries, booked hotels, figured out what we were doing for vacations, for work, for life. It was his job, and so I let him do it in our lives as well. Now, I'm on my own to do those sorts of things, and I'm finding it difficult. I have to plan out meals, make grocery lists, take care of the cats (which, I feel, are sadly neglected) and learn to finally be an adult.
It is strange to finally take care of myself. Much of my family has said to me in the past that EH was good for me because he "took good care of me". Not to impugn EH, but.. if he took such good care of me, how is it that I nearly had a nervous breakdown a few years ago? How is it that I came to weigh over 300 pounds? Why is it that I'm struggling to pay down the massive credit card debt that we have gotten into over our 9 year marriage, and I have no assets to show for it? Don't get me wrong. I am not angry at him. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like a child and not taking care of - or much interest in - things like my health and my finances before. Much of what I am going through right now could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself in the past. Thirty-five is kind of late in the game to be finally growing up and becoming an adult, but here I am, throwing my hat in the ring of adulthood and hoping that I find myself in the process.
I guess part of that adulthood is that I learn to eat vegetables. Blech...
Got any good recipes?
With love and laughter...
ToryLynn
So, you know how, when you're a kid you often have to have an adult tell you to "eat your vegetables"? I think I need an adult in my life now. I haven't really eaten a lot of vegetables in recent years. In fact, I pretty much hate vegetables. I realize that I'm an adult myself, I realize that I have a lot of really great things going for me right now, but I still hate eating vegetables. It may be that I haven't yet found a vegetable that I like particularly well. I'm willing to try some. I'm willing to try a few, actually. For instance, today I bought some brussel sprouts. Brussel sprouts have been my most maligned vegetable ever. The first time I tried to eat them, they had been boiled and they nearly made me gag. I have had many people tell me that brussel sprouts are actually pretty good, so I am willing to give them another try. Now I need to find some recipes that may make brussel sprouts palatable. I've heard a few.. fry them in butter and garlic, roast them with garlic, roast them with onions... If you have any suggestions, let me know. The bag I got from TraderJoe's says to microwave them within the bag and I'm kinda icked out by the idea.
I'm taking more pride in who I am. When asked about my proudest moments, I have quite a few. College graduation, becoming a teacher, and now, kind of.. getting out on my own and being my own person. I'm not looking to anybody to support me and I can take care of myself. I have worked hard for a lot of my victories. I studied, I read, I planned on ways to help myself become successful. My success is not only my own. Others have helped me along the way, and have supported me, and while I appreciate all of their help, I was the one who got the degree, I was the one who became a teacher. I know this sounds selfish and prideful, and perhaps it is. I worked hard to get where I am today. What I'm going through lately, with my divorce and my weight loss, is also going to take a lot of work and a lot of time to get through. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends and family who will be there to back me up and support me, but I also know that I have hard work that only I can do. I have to start planning out what I eat, making plans, sticking to them, in order to be successful in weight loss. I have to start planning out a budget and sticking to it in order to be successful in my finances.
I've never been much of a planner. In the words of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman", "I'm kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl". EH (changed now, for Ex-Husband) was always the planner. He made elaborate itineraries, booked hotels, figured out what we were doing for vacations, for work, for life. It was his job, and so I let him do it in our lives as well. Now, I'm on my own to do those sorts of things, and I'm finding it difficult. I have to plan out meals, make grocery lists, take care of the cats (which, I feel, are sadly neglected) and learn to finally be an adult.
It is strange to finally take care of myself. Much of my family has said to me in the past that EH was good for me because he "took good care of me". Not to impugn EH, but.. if he took such good care of me, how is it that I nearly had a nervous breakdown a few years ago? How is it that I came to weigh over 300 pounds? Why is it that I'm struggling to pay down the massive credit card debt that we have gotten into over our 9 year marriage, and I have no assets to show for it? Don't get me wrong. I am not angry at him. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like a child and not taking care of - or much interest in - things like my health and my finances before. Much of what I am going through right now could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself in the past. Thirty-five is kind of late in the game to be finally growing up and becoming an adult, but here I am, throwing my hat in the ring of adulthood and hoping that I find myself in the process.
I guess part of that adulthood is that I learn to eat vegetables. Blech...
Got any good recipes?
With love and laughter...
ToryLynn
Monday, November 28, 2011
Episode 43: Back to (a new) life
I had planned a different blog post for today, but I forgot what it was. Anyway...
I have to get back on track. Thanksgiving week really screwed up my diet, and so now, I have to do something about it. I have to do something about my life. I have to something about my EVERYTHING! LOL
Ok.. so.. I have six months until my divorce is final. That is six months to get myself started on a routine, develop some good habits and start making myself healthier and happier, as well as help those around me be healthier and happier too.
I do a lot of complaining to other people about my own problems. I also do a lot of gushing to other people that I am in love. It just happens that way. It is because that is what is on my mind at the time. It's not that I don't listen to other people's problems, and it's not that I don't try to help them if I feel that I can do something for them, but I spend a lot of time talking about myself, and I think I need to stop doing that. I'ts very selfish. This is just something that I've noticed about myself. Now, of course, my blog is different. My blog is very selfish and I can be selfish here... because it is my blog. I try not to post anything *too* personal here, or rather, not something that everybody in my life knows about (or at least should be caught up about). I try to post here about my thoughts, but I won't put in details about private stuff, and I try to make sure that I don't get in trouble here. I have paper journals for writing out stuff like that.
But now, I have six months. A time frame for a goal. I think I like that idea.. a sort of deadline for a new life. I'm thinking about joining the Saturday afternoon Stitch n' Bitch group at my local Panera. I'm thinking about maybe going back into therapy for a while, just to have a professional help me work through stuff. (I have been off my pills for a few months now and I'm feeling incredibly stable. Amazing what growing up can do for your emotional state). I have more time to myself, to lesson plan and grade and work on becoming the best damned teacher I can be (in spite of my students). I know that I want to finish a novel in the next six months and start editing it for possible publication. I need to start writing fiction again... not some inane drabble about my life.
I feel refreshed.. renewed. Peaceful.
I know I can do this. I have the strength to do anything. I can pull my friends and loved ones along with me into this new life too, if they want to come for the ride.
Ok.. my ten minutes of writing for the morning are done. Breakfast is eaten (granola with soy milk and banana), and I have to go start a new day at school. Three weeks until Winter Break. Five weeks to pack up my old place and find a new one. I can live with those timelines.
Peace love and happiness to all!
ToryLynn
I have to get back on track. Thanksgiving week really screwed up my diet, and so now, I have to do something about it. I have to do something about my life. I have to something about my EVERYTHING! LOL
Ok.. so.. I have six months until my divorce is final. That is six months to get myself started on a routine, develop some good habits and start making myself healthier and happier, as well as help those around me be healthier and happier too.
I do a lot of complaining to other people about my own problems. I also do a lot of gushing to other people that I am in love. It just happens that way. It is because that is what is on my mind at the time. It's not that I don't listen to other people's problems, and it's not that I don't try to help them if I feel that I can do something for them, but I spend a lot of time talking about myself, and I think I need to stop doing that. I'ts very selfish. This is just something that I've noticed about myself. Now, of course, my blog is different. My blog is very selfish and I can be selfish here... because it is my blog. I try not to post anything *too* personal here, or rather, not something that everybody in my life knows about (or at least should be caught up about). I try to post here about my thoughts, but I won't put in details about private stuff, and I try to make sure that I don't get in trouble here. I have paper journals for writing out stuff like that.
But now, I have six months. A time frame for a goal. I think I like that idea.. a sort of deadline for a new life. I'm thinking about joining the Saturday afternoon Stitch n' Bitch group at my local Panera. I'm thinking about maybe going back into therapy for a while, just to have a professional help me work through stuff. (I have been off my pills for a few months now and I'm feeling incredibly stable. Amazing what growing up can do for your emotional state). I have more time to myself, to lesson plan and grade and work on becoming the best damned teacher I can be (in spite of my students). I know that I want to finish a novel in the next six months and start editing it for possible publication. I need to start writing fiction again... not some inane drabble about my life.
I feel refreshed.. renewed. Peaceful.
I know I can do this. I have the strength to do anything. I can pull my friends and loved ones along with me into this new life too, if they want to come for the ride.
Ok.. my ten minutes of writing for the morning are done. Breakfast is eaten (granola with soy milk and banana), and I have to go start a new day at school. Three weeks until Winter Break. Five weeks to pack up my old place and find a new one. I can live with those timelines.
Peace love and happiness to all!
ToryLynn
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Episode 41: End of an Era
Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit. It is hard. I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone. AH moved out on the first of this month. My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here. I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing. I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore. I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.
I eat healthier now. Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing). Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes. I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now. I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective. I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.
I'm not entirely lonely. If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs. Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own. But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around. I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.
Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone. I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.
I am sad for my divorce. I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this. I regret that hurt a lot. I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person. I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be. I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone. I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.
Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.
Deep in thought....
ToryLynn
I eat healthier now. Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing). Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes. I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now. I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective. I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.
I'm not entirely lonely. If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs. Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own. But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around. I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.
Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone. I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.
I am sad for my divorce. I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this. I regret that hurt a lot. I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person. I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be. I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone. I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.
Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.
Deep in thought....
ToryLynn
Friday, November 4, 2011
Episode 36: Return to ... life
I'm going through a lot of shit in my life right now, not a whole lot of it that I am willing to discuss on this blog at this moment, as I'm not entirely sure who reads it and there is only so much I want to share with the world. All I know right now is that I am truly, deeply, passionately loved by someone out there who is good for my soul and heart. All I know is that my family and friends are here to support me through whatever choices I make, whether they think of them as good or bad. All I know is that I love deeply, strongly and that I can love with my head as well as my heart.
Someone inside my heart wrote me last night about hiding and breaking free from fear. He wrote of a rebirth and casting a shroud over the old life and letting it be. We can go to cemeteries and look upon something that once was, but we do not dwell in cemeteries. He was right... let the shroud be cast, let the past lie still where it is and let me awaken from this old life renewed and reborn.
Thank you all in my life for your love and support. It is time to start a new life. I know that you'll be there with me!
ToryLynn
(Oh, also.. discovered new yummy awesome goodness, thanks to AM. Peanut butter, butter, honey and granola sammiches. Sooooo awesome!!!.. but about 14 points per sammich. Goes well with bananas.)
Someone inside my heart wrote me last night about hiding and breaking free from fear. He wrote of a rebirth and casting a shroud over the old life and letting it be. We can go to cemeteries and look upon something that once was, but we do not dwell in cemeteries. He was right... let the shroud be cast, let the past lie still where it is and let me awaken from this old life renewed and reborn.
Thank you all in my life for your love and support. It is time to start a new life. I know that you'll be there with me!
ToryLynn
(Oh, also.. discovered new yummy awesome goodness, thanks to AM. Peanut butter, butter, honey and granola sammiches. Sooooo awesome!!!.. but about 14 points per sammich. Goes well with bananas.)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Episode 33: Wherein I break a habit by overdoing it
Morose. Morose Morose Morose Morose. I like that word, Morose. I've sort of liked it ever since I heard it on Chasing where Jay comes in on a brooding (yet hot) Ben Affleck (Holden), and says "Well, look at this morose motherfucker". I just like the word. Apparently I overuse it though.
I am morose today. I am sour, glum, moody, crabby, cranky, disconsolate, saturnine, ill natured, splenetic. If I didn't have to go to work to do my post-observation conference, I probably wouldn't go. I will go though, with my best smile on and in my most comfortable clothes I can get away with at work (black jeans, black shirt and my new trendy sweater).
I think my observation went well yesterday. I find out today during my prep, but my students were (mostly) on task, the lesson was well prepared. I knew what I was doing. If only I could be as well prepared every day. Teaching is draining. Life is draining. It's not that I'm exhausted (although I did get up at 2:45 this morning) it's just that I'm drained. I feel that life has ebbed out of me today. I know that it is chemical, some neuron in my brain misfiring or some lack of hormone or something, so I am not going to worry about it. I will be on an upswing soon enough. I can handle this affliction without adding more chemicals to my brain that I don't need. I will sip my coffee, suckle the caffeine teat, and try to energize myself for just two more days of school until the blessed blessed weekend.
Morose! (You know, the more I use the word.. the less meaning it has. Maybe I will stop using it.)
(By the way, of all the Kevin Smith View Askewniverse movies, my favorites go in this order... Chasing Amy, Dogma, Clerks, Clerks 2, Jay and Silent Bob, Mallrats. I have a signed 10th anniversary edition of Clerks. It is awesomesauce. Oh now I wish I could take those to school and watch them. Now that would cheer me up.)
I am morose today. I am sour, glum, moody, crabby, cranky, disconsolate, saturnine, ill natured, splenetic. If I didn't have to go to work to do my post-observation conference, I probably wouldn't go. I will go though, with my best smile on and in my most comfortable clothes I can get away with at work (black jeans, black shirt and my new trendy sweater).
I think my observation went well yesterday. I find out today during my prep, but my students were (mostly) on task, the lesson was well prepared. I knew what I was doing. If only I could be as well prepared every day. Teaching is draining. Life is draining. It's not that I'm exhausted (although I did get up at 2:45 this morning) it's just that I'm drained. I feel that life has ebbed out of me today. I know that it is chemical, some neuron in my brain misfiring or some lack of hormone or something, so I am not going to worry about it. I will be on an upswing soon enough. I can handle this affliction without adding more chemicals to my brain that I don't need. I will sip my coffee, suckle the caffeine teat, and try to energize myself for just two more days of school until the blessed blessed weekend.
Morose! (You know, the more I use the word.. the less meaning it has. Maybe I will stop using it.)
(By the way, of all the Kevin Smith View Askewniverse movies, my favorites go in this order... Chasing Amy, Dogma, Clerks, Clerks 2, Jay and Silent Bob, Mallrats. I have a signed 10th anniversary edition of Clerks. It is awesomesauce. Oh now I wish I could take those to school and watch them. Now that would cheer me up.)
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