Lighthouse Keeper

  Lately, I've been thinking about this poem that was written back in college, not by me, but by a good friend of mine, Jaye. I'm going to put it here in its entirety because it matters to know what it's about, and it's good words. (formatting is mine)

I am the Lighthouse Keeper.

I live in the Lighthouse, 

Cold, Alone and Waiting

Waiting for the ships to return.

I am the only one left who remembers

when those ships were in port.

One by one they left

Different destinations

But all away from here

Here I stay Here I stand Waiting

I have the list of the names of those ships

I kept tabs on their destinations

I am proud of those boats

I am proud of their journeys

Some traveled across the sevens seas

And carry the circus to towns

One is now private and hosts parties for

the best of Broadway

Some now show other boats 

how to move

Some still wander searching what to do

Some have been updated

Some have been destroyed

I swear one day they'll all come back

That's why I can not leave

For some one must be here

To make sure they're safe,

they're happy, they're proud

For although this boat doesn't leave

and this boat is now rusted

And all the others don't stop moving

And never get rust

I love each and every one

And I will wait for them

right here

For some are destined for greatness

Some find it by chance

Some help others make it

And one must stay behind

One must keep the light on 

So the others can find their way home

So they can come back

enjoy their time together

remember old times

catch up on what's been happening

And hopefully they won't stay

"That poor guy, stuck here all this time,

all these years"

Hopefully they'll thank me

for keeping the lighthouse on.

For I am the Lighthouse Keeper

I've been thinking a lot about this poem lately, which was written probably close to twenty years ago.  

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I've been in my profession for 20 years. I've been working as an English teacher at Stagg High School for 19 years. I have watched people come and go my entire life, and here I sit, hanging on, hoping others will come back to me someday, just to say hi.

I'm not a favorite teacher very often, but I know that I'm liked. I had a student today tell me that I'm his favorite teacher because I try to relate to my students. I said thank you, and he laughed and said "No, I'm really serious. Like-- you try to listen to us!", and I can't imagine being a teacher who doesn't listen to their students and let them talk to you. But, I am here - being a teacher. 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I am here in Stockton, and I don't see me really going anywhere. In spite of the moniker of "Most Miserable City" (Thanks Forbes), and "Murder Capitol" (which I don't think we are) I love my city. I love its diversity. The diversity of the people, the diversity of the opinions, but especially the diversity in restaurants. I can go 4 blocks in any direction from where I am and find Indian food, a few sushi places, a poke salad place, a few Italian restaurants, a decent(ish) diner, a mom and pop hot dog store and even a Panera.  On my drive home from work there is quite a diversity of food - even if I need to cook at home more often.

I've been here in this apartment for the last ten years. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life, but I've (almost) always lived in Stockton, and the neighborhood I'm in now is wonderful. Maybe not the quietest all the time, but a good apartment, the people are friendly and the noisiest it gets is around the 4th of July. The walk around the complex is a quarter mile track, the leaves are just beginning to turn brown and the sparse lawn between the buildings 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I feel like the Lighthouse Keeper of the poem, I have watched everybody move away and wander to find their destiny. My students, my friends, my lovers. They all go off to find their fortune in the world, and I watch them, and wish for the best for them in everything, hoping that once in a while they look back with fondness on me and maybe think to say "Hi" once in a while, knowing that I think of them fondly. 

Episode 84: My Not so-BFS List!

I saw this on the Nanowrimo forums and I thought I would make one of my own here, so I have a place to keep it.  My BIG, FUN, SCARY List of thing to do.  Now, I know it's getting on towards 2014, but I don't want this to be a list of resolutions. I don't want this to be just one more list of things that I will "try" to do, but a list of things I plan on actually doing, things I can set in motion, make plans for, make a goal for and just.. you know.. be awesome at!  Nanowrimo is sort of the end of the year for me and the beginning of being motivated. If I can write 50,000 words in one month on one story (and not even finish it, but it is there, in a file, waiting to be opened on Martin Luther King Jr. Day where my Writing Monster can cry out "Free at Last" since I have put her away for 6 weeks to let my writing ideas simmer and see what comes to fruition), I can do just about anything I really set my mind to, as long as I break it into smaller chunks.

See, that's the nice thing about Nanowrimo.  I took it day by day. I didn't look at 50,000 words and have a panic attack. I looked at 1667 words a day for 30 days.  So I can't look at the nearly 200 pounds I have to lose as 200 pounds (and believe me, that's a lot of butter!), I can just take it a pound at a time (probably by not eating pounds of butter).

However, this list, this BFS list, is the beginning of the lists, the start, the "Where do I go from here" of lists that may look BIG and SCARY, but will also, ultimately be FUN too!  So, while this list may be a list of BIG things, (though maybe not quite yet a BIG list, I do plan on adding stuff to it), all of these can be broken into smaller, achievable, day by day every day I try this and it works for me goal list.  A list of "I can do it" not.. "I want to do it!"

So, here's my list (in no particular order)

1. Finish my pink and brown quilt that I've been working on since before my divorce.
2. Track my calories and exercise daily.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Record weight, blood pressure, blood sugar and exercise in a chart so I can see my progress.
5. Write an outline for each of the three (so far) books that are in my San Francisco Friends novels.
6. Rewrite/Edit one novel into a publishable draft by August.
7. Work hard and be an awesome teacher!
8. Help my district and my school transition to Common Core Standards and be a great on-campus leader!
9. Help my adorable, loving, wonderful husband get through the next year of college!
10. Complete the next 12 weeks cycle of Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'.
11. Meditate every day.

So, those are things I can do!  Let's get crackin'!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 76: Happy!!

Every night before we go to bed, we sit at our dining room table, fountain pens in hand, and write on small 2"x2" pieces of paper that are cut from 24lb stock.  These pieces of paper are light blue and pink, the color of youth, the color of gender and for us, the color of happiness.  With my pen, filled with a beautiful hot pink ink called "Hope Pink" for breast cancer awareness I write my happy thoughts for the day.  Across the table from me, AM, with his turquoisish pen, filled with Bahama Blue, writes his happy thoughts for the day.  Our world is color coded in this way. When we are finished, we put them into an 8 cup Ball jar and seal the lid.  In this way, we record our happiness, one day at a time and fill a jar with love and hope.

We've been doing this since around February. Originally the thought had been to start January 1st, but we are slow to get organized.  The jar in the picture is our happy jar, with our happy thoughts color coded to suit us.  We put the day's triumphs, the happy little things that we did for each other, or that we talked about, or even just what we ate for the day.  They can be any thought, as long as they are happy and not negative.

The plan is to open the jar at the end of the year as a New Year's ritual and see all of the happy thoughts that we have created over the year.  Ideally, if we had started on January first, we would have 730 happy thoughts in it by the end of the year.  730 happy memories, 730 meals, 730 joys that we could share.  I am not sure what we will do with them as we review them. Perhaps we will create a scrapbook, putting them in order and gluing them to pages as a reminder of all the happiness that we had the year we got engaged and then got married.  Maybe we will let the jar fill (though it is already getting pretty full and we have to pack the slips down well) until our first anniversary, so we can have a record of our first year together and the time that we were engaged.  Maybe we will just tear them into smaller pieces and throw them over ourselves and our friends at our New Year's celebration.  We have a while to go until we pick out those pieces of paper and find out all of our happiness throughout the year.  I'm excited to see what he wrote, since our happy thoughts are private until the end of the year, locked up in our little jar on little pieces of blue and pink paper.

I hope that you all have your happy thoughts and that you share them with the ones that you love, today and every day.  Keep them somewhere safe, even if it is a journal or notebook, a planner or just in your memory, but my hope is that everybody has at least one happy thought a day, even if it is as simple as "the cute guy on the bus smiled at me" or "I ate all my vegetables" or even "I am still alive and my heart is still pumping blood through my body", everybody should be happy, every single day.

Here is to all of your happy thoughts!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 54: Starbucks Sunday

It is a beautiful day today.  The sun is shining, leaving golden streaks of light across the floors, there is soft music playing over the loud speakers and the woosh and swirl of coffee drinks being made fill the air as well as the chatter of my fellow diners.  My keyboard clicks pleasantly, and the cares of my week sort of melt away.  It is Starbucks Sunday, and I sit in my neighborhood Starbucks, typing up a new blog post and enjoying the companionship of AM.

It's funny sitting here, drinking my Grande Skinny Cafe Mocha (which we figured at 4 points) and eating my Noah's Everything Bagel Thin with Garlic Cream Cheese and Lox (7 points), for a satisfying, healthyish breakfast.  AM really fell into my Sunday morning routine pretty quickly, and nearly every other day of the week, is trying to feed me healthy foods like vegetables (gasp!) and fruits (swoon!) and even... even.. some Pho soup, which he makes pretty well! 

The last couple of weeks haven't been entirely good for my diet though.  My birthday came and went with two different chocolate cakes (I totally *don't* recommend the Chewy Fudge Bistro Cake from Safeway if you aren't prepared to die in a decadent chocolate heaven and want to eat the entire thing in one evening... which I did with the help of a few of my friends) and Valentine's Day as well as one of my students selling Girl Scout cookies.  Thin Mints are evil little minions of the diet devils!  AM finally hid the box of cookies for me on the top shelf of our kitchen storage in a place that I can't get to unless I use the foot stool. So, they are safe for now.  

So, we are rededicating ourselves to the idea of tracking points again, reading articles on the Weight Watchers website, and doing Wii Fit and walking to melt off the weight.  It is just as easy to buy and eat healthy food as it is to buy and eat junk food. There is a sign at the Weight Watchers that says "If you don't buy it, you can't eat it" and I was looking at that sign and thinking about how that is so true. If I don't buy the healthy foods, I can't eat healthy foods and get myself better.  If I don't buy the junk foods, I won't eat them because they won't be at my house.  I think that's a fairly good idea.  And with time, I will start to look at the vegetable aisle more than the cookie aisle; I will start to scope out the flavored waters instead of the Monsters; I will make a berry cobbler rather than a whole tray of cinnamon rolls.  I will be a healthier, happier person... and I will love myself more for it.

I have been eating a lot healthier than I was before, and amazingly enough, I am seeing the rewards.  My skin is clearer, my moods aren't fluctuating nearly as rapidly, and I can almost say that my bipolar disorder is a thing of the past.  I still get sad, and I still get happy, but everything seems so much more controllable. 

I am happy... and that is the best thing in the world.  Thank you to all of my friends and family for helping me to take care of myself.  Thanks most to AM who is helping me be a better person.  

Love, lollipops and hugs!

ToryLynn

P.S. I do plan on posting more often.  Hopefully I can get back to nearly daily updates.  I have a lot to think about and.. Spring Break in 2 weeks! Woot woot!!

Episode 53: Super Sunday

I am at a loss for words today.  My life has been great lately, and I have nothing to complain about and I haven't been following the WW lifestyle (though I did do some point counting at the beginning of the week), but I didn't do nearly enough and I am sort of glad that I have gone to a  biweekly weigh in.  I have enough motivation to eat right at home, right now.

Today is the Superbowl, and honestly, I couldn't really care.  The only team I care even vaguely about (since I'm not a huge football fan to begin with) got kicked out with the NFC Championship game.  So, I think I will spend my time grading during the Superbowl.. aah.. an old standby.  You will all let me know about the awesome commercials, right? So I can look them up on YouTube later on this week?

Actually, I  love SuperBowl Sunday just for the ads.  They give me a great lesson plan that my students really get into.. they let me show my students the way things are marketed and let them look at how media influences their lives. It's actually a pretty fun lesson plan, if I do it right.

I have been pretty exhausted lately, fighting off an ear infection which has evolved into a sinus infection of some sort.  I could totally go back to bed for a few more hours, eat some sub sandwiches and just sit back and enjoy life.  With the CAHSEE coming up, as well as two three day weekends, and the greatest holiday of all (also known as my birthday), February is going to be a busy month.  I can't afford to be sick!

Ok, so, I'm kind of rambly today, so I will get to the point of the post, which is this picture!  AM and I went to a great Dim Sum place called Fu Yuan (where Louis' Chinese food used to be for those who know Stockton) and we didn't have any Dim Sum! What the heck!  What we did have was a great recommendation from the waitress!  Just a tip, when you go someplace new, completely ignore the menu. Ask the wait staff what is the best food on the menu and order that. You get to try something new, and they usually have great recommendations, and will ask you about your own culinary tastes as well.  So, what you see in the picture is the shrimp dumpling soup, which was the first thing that she recommended. We got ours with Yau Choy (what our waitress called Chinese tender greens), but there were a few vegetable options for the soup.  The broth was tasty, and didn't need any extra salt, and the dumplings were perfectly soft and filled with delicious shrimp.

The next thing that she recommended was Pot Stickers.  She proudly told us that these were handmade in the restaurant, not frozen like many of the area places make, and when we tasted them.. we could taste the love!  These Pot Stickers were filled with tasty meat mixture, folded in a tender wrapper and offered with a very flavorful sauce. Altogether, they were wonderful!  

I did not get my usual Sweet and Sour Pork, but instead tried for fried wontons.  I originally was going to get the thin crispy fried wontons that come with the sweet and sour dipping sauce, but the waitress recommended cream cheese filled wontons. (I asked for half and half, but they couldn't do that, but they wer still yummy!)  Bad for the diet.. so tasty on the tongue!  (Those are the fried triangles you see in the picture.)  The filling was hot and I burned the roof of my mouth a bit, but they were incredibly tasty. Where I had kind of expected a sort of savory, perhaps a bit garlicy taste, the filling was sweet and almost honey tasting.  Once they cooled off a bit, the filling was complimented by the traditional sweet and sour sauce for a delicious dinner pastry.  It was almost desert like!  Very good food!

We finished our meal with something sweet. My companion had asked if they had any black bean cakes, which he described as sort of rice type patties with sweet black paste in the center.  Our waitress brought us sesame balls, which he said were similar, but sticky and round.  As I had had neither before, I didn't have anything to compare it to, but these little balls were delicious (and not shown in the photo).  They were covered in sesame seeds, which made them not sticky to the touch, but the insides were soft, sweet and sticky in the mouth.  The dollop of what I have to assume was black bean paste added an almost raisinlike flavor to it, but without that edge and tongue feel like you get with raisins. (I dislike raisins because they feel like the coat the tongue a bit and the fact that they are desiccated grapes always bothered me).  Tasty little dumplings, these were, and AM and I split the last one.  They were incredibly delicious. 

It was late afternoon when we went for lunch, but the restaurant was deserted, which was unfortunate, since the meals were delicious.  I wondered if there was more of a rush with the dinner hours later, or a lunch rush for the dim sum earlier.  We went at an odd time.  I would hate to think that this wonderful restaurant, with the very nice waitress, would eventually close because they don't get enough business. I didn't try the sweet and sour pork, but the food was excellent (we actually cleaned our plates at a Chinese food place!) and the service was wonderful (probably because we were the only ones there, but still!) 


Ratings: 
Food: Totally Five Stars. It was yummy, and well prepared.  I loved it!
Service: Three stars.  She didn't bring us the Dim Sum menu until halfway through our meal, but she didn't push food on us and actually recommended that we not order more, since we had ordered enough for a full meal.  
Cleanliness: Four. They had lovely white tablecloths, but they also had plastic sheets on the table. Easier to clean, but not as classy. It was a nice place to eat though.

Final Rating: Four stars.  Food for 2 was about $29, with a tip, and the food was good quality and very tasty.  If we weren't on a culinary adventure, we would definitely be returning there again and again... if only just to try the Dim Sum!  

I hope your culinary adventures are just as fun! If you have a blog that you think I should read, or that I can put in my blog roll, please leave me a message with the address! I'm always looking for interesting things to add to my reader!

Love and lollipops,

Tory (geez, I'm rambly today) Lynn

Episode 52: Hiatus Over!

This blog was meant to record my weight loss journey, and quickly became just a place for me to talk about my life, my divorce, new love and getting myself back in order.  The last three weeks or so have been crazy in the "not caring about what I eat or taking care of myself at all" end, but food has definitely taken center stage in the last few weeks.  Such delicious, wonderful food.

So, on the 7th, I picked up AM from SFO and really, we have been eating up a storm ever since he landed! Bubba Gump's, Dante's Pizza, Ghirardelli (for breakfast on a Sunday morning.. mmm)... well... let's say they haven't been good for my waistline.  In the last two weeks, I have gained almost 6 pounds.  Ugh... time to get back to writing down everything I eat and start looking at the way that I eat.  I guess you can't live like a teenager forever.

It's not that eating right when I'm with someone is difficult.  I can make healthy meals and share them.  I have kind of taken to ordering great meals, and sharing them with someone now.  The problem is that I am not keeping track of what I am eating, and I am not really ordering the lowest point food on the menu.  I have been eating a lot of high calorie foods that just aren't good for me.

On the other hand, I have also been discovering a new love for some foods I would have never thought to try before.  One night we tried Vietnamese food, specifically a place called "Pho Lucky" which has wonderful noodle soup and some really great sweet and sour pork. I probably didn't need the sweet and sour pork, but every time I go to any place with Asian cuisine, I have to order sweet and sour pork. It is the touchstone I use to judge.  They have really awesome sweet and sour pork. The batter is light and fluffy and the sauce isn't drowning the pork, but rather lightly poured on so that you can try the pork without any sauce as well.  It's awesome!

Pho has been the only cuisine I have really discovered that I haven't tried yet, but we do plan on having different cuisines that are new to me, including Thai, Indian, and Japanese hibachi, and a few others that I can't really think of right now.

So, I am starting a new culinary exploration, but I am also going to try and stick to the diet plan, so if we go out, it will only be once a week.  We will try new foods, old foods and foods we enjoy.  I want to find healthy meals at new places, but also try some of the full fat stuff as well, so this is what I plan.  I am planning on documenting our culinary journeys in this blog, as well as keeping it full of my thoughts on weight loss and life and everything.  When we go out (and it should be limited to maybe once a week instead of once a day), I will take a picture of both of our meals and write a review of how they taste. (AM is ok with me stealing a few bites from his plate for a good cause) and write a blog of the best food places in California.  We plan on going to San Francisco about once a month (definitely for my birthday this year, if anybody wants to hang out), and out to dinner once a week and to Noah's and Starbucks every Sunday morning where we hang out and have bagels, coffee and spend an hour or so writing (until my laptop battery dies).  Altogether, I am having a pretty good existence.  Now.. I need to have a good existence with some healthy food thrown in as well.

I will definitely update this blog at least once a week, if not more often.  For now, know that I am happy, I am safe, I am well nagged, and I am loved.  Life couldn't be better than this. Well, it could if I was about 150 pound lighter and without an ear infection, but those will all pass away into memory and I will be happy, sexy and so blissful they will see me glowing from the Empire State building.

Love and hugs and happy nibbles to all!

Tory

Episode 41: End of an Era

Yesterday I filed my divorce papers. I don't really want to talk about it on this blog, as it has little to do with my weight loss journey, or food or anything, but I need to talk about it a little bit.  It is hard.  I feel like the last two months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion, of hurt, of happiness, of feeling free and feeling so totally alone.  AH moved out on the first of this month.  My apartment is emptier, not just of furniture and stuff, but also of his presence here.  I can't say that I don't miss him, but things in my life are changing.  I am starting to pack up old memories, clear out bookshelves, sort out clothes and things that I no longer need anymore.  I am starting to make a real change in my life and I feel like these changes are good for me.

I eat healthier now.  Last night's dinner was a roasted veggie pizza from Trader Joe's. (I should have only eaten half, but I ate the whole thing).  Tonight's will be Maryland Crab Cakes.  I am learning that I can eat or do just about anything I want now.  I am trying to go out more often, see the world from a new perspective.  I am trying to keep the dishes out of my sink and the plates from around my computer and I'm trying to get more exercise.

I'm not entirely lonely.  If I absolutely need people, there are people out there who I can talk to through this glorious contraption called the interwebs.  Physically, in real life, I'm spending more time on my own.  But I have AM in my ear very often, I have good friends who type at me, who talk about writing and literature and those sorts of things that I have wrapped my entire life around.  I am considering getting more involved in things in the real world, so that when love comes to me, I don't hover around it like a vulture, smothering it to death and then picking at the remains of a corpse that hasn't figured out it is dead yet.

Wandering around downtown yesterday, I found a nice Greek restaurant called Yadoo Yasni, which was sort of a nice surprise. I had an hour to kill between courthouse and paralegal, so I sat and ate breakfast alone.  I texted with a friend, I read some Gaiman (in the middle of American Gods, if you care) and just learned that it's not so bad being on my own because really.. I'm never really alone.

I am sad for my divorce.  I am sad for AH, who has treated me so well over the years and who I am hurting with all of this.  I regret that hurt a lot.  I feel though that it is time for me to move on, to become my own person.  I have never been on my own before, and while it may be a lonely journey, it is a journey that I have to take to learn who I really am, without looking at someone else and trying to define myself by who they want me to be.  I'm ready to do this, but I know that I don't have to do it completely alone.  I have friends who are there for me, holding up the net as I dance on this tightrope called life, ready to catch me when I fall... and then send me back to the tightrope again.

Thank you to all who read this blog. Thank you to all who have been so supportive and wonderful  I know that I am rambly and cranky sometimes, and I know that some of this is probably a bit personal, but it is good to speak out into the void... and hear the echoes of my friends and family telling me that I am strong.

Deep in thought....

ToryLynn

Episode 40: Fresh Flowers

Ok.. so.. it has been Waaay too long since I have been here, writing, sitting at my desk.  I should get back on track with this, since the motivation to eat better is here with my friends and family and those who love me.

I bought myself flowers today.  I have been buying myself fresh cut flowers every Sunday for the last two weeks and I plan on keeping it up every Sunday for as long as I can.  I love flowers.  I think that they are pretty.  I probably could have arranged these better, but it is what it is.  I will buy more next week and try to arrange them.

This week I bought myself roses.. hot pink and white roses, which I love.  I bought them because I deserve them, and I also bought them to celebrate the 4.6 pounds I lost this week.  I have lost 5% of my total body weight so far!  ::happy dances::

Sometimes when I buy myself flowers, I like to make believe that they came from someone who loves me. That some romantic guy (ok.. one in particular) has sent me flowers and is thinking about me.  A silly thought, I know. It's a silly thought because someone who does love me has bought them for me. I bought them for me.. and I love me!  (ok. so I'm a bit of a dork too!)

Anyway... I am off to make pumpkin bread today, and clean my bedroom and do laundry and ignore SL a bit and spend time with myself and maybe do some reading and maybe do some writing and maybe just sit and veg and watch movies or Full Metal Alchemist or find a new girly Anime to watch. (Oh.. I *loved* Angel Beats!  Thank you, AM, for recommending it! I send you much snuggleness for the happy Anime watching!)

Dorkness must be gone now. I am happy and busy and I feel really really awesome today.  I hope you all do too!

Episode 36: Return to ... life

I'm going through a lot of shit in my life right now, not a whole lot of it that I am willing to discuss on this blog at this moment, as I'm not entirely sure who reads it and there is only so much I want to share with the world.  All I know right now is that I am truly, deeply, passionately loved by someone out there who is good for my soul and heart.  All I know is that my family and friends are here to support me through whatever choices I make, whether they think of them as good or bad.  All I know is that I love deeply, strongly and that I can love with my head as well as my heart.

Someone inside my heart wrote me last night about hiding and breaking free from fear.  He wrote of a rebirth and casting a shroud over the old life and letting it be.  We can go to cemeteries and look upon something that once was, but we do not dwell in cemeteries.  He was right... let the shroud be cast, let the past lie still where it is and let me awaken from this old life renewed and reborn.

Thank you all in my life for your love and support.  It is time to start a new life. I know that you'll be there with me!

ToryLynn

(Oh, also.. discovered new yummy awesome goodness, thanks to AM.  Peanut butter, butter, honey and granola sammiches.  Sooooo awesome!!!.. but about 14 points per sammich. Goes well with bananas.)

Episode 13: The Post that Wasn't

My apologies to my audience that this didn't get posted last night.  I stayed up late talking to a friend and nearly fell asleep on the computer. I postponed this posting until this morning, so here I am, blurry eyed and droopy tailed saying good morning! :)  (Puck, who decided that my normal work schedule wake up call at 5:30 was exactly what I needed, says hi too!)

I am beginning to struggle.  It's not just that I forget to eat, which I have been having a problem with doing lately. I'm not actually getting to my point total that is supposed to be my minimum. I am sort of finding it difficult to remember to record what little I do eat.  My meals have been healthy, and I have been trying to create healthy choices of food around me.  My refrigerator is full of healthy vegetables and my fruit basket is nearly over-flowing (bet you didn't know I already owned a fruit basket!)  I am just not eating as much as I probably should, according to the plan.  I think my friend last night called it "weight watcher's lethargy".  I thought that was a good term.

As I head into my weigh in for week two.. and my third week of blog posts (if I do 7 more,I will have created a good habit.. and I will do one tonight, for I will have much to report), I wonder what things I can do to motivate myself to push past this lethargy barrier.    

One of my motivations is my friends and family who love me.  I have found that I have such an amazing support circle that wants me to succeed that I almost feel like I am letting them down if I don't.  I even had my sister and my brother's fiance post on my Facebook wall a reminder that I needed to blog.  I love that sort of motivation and caring from people who actually pay attention to what I do.

Another motivation, which sounds weird, is my Second Life.  My avatar in that world is thin and gorgeous, and I would love to look and move like she does.  I would love for people to perceive me in that way (though I admit, the tail and ears will have to stay in Second Life) as it gives me so much confidence to do things I would have never done in this body.  I host poetry shows, I go to writing collectives and I run a short story discussion group with a close friend of mine.  I watch my avatar do all of these things, and want the woman who lives behind the screen to be just as hot and talented as the person that I see on the screen.

My last motivation is a sudden fervor for life that I haven't felt in a long time.  I am ecstatic to be alive right now, which is something I couldn't have said a few years ago, when I was wallowing in a depression.  Today, right now, I am happy to be breathing in air, filling my lungs with oxygen and just simply existing.  Everything looks different through my eyes lately, and I am loving just being alive. The wonderment of the sunset, the way the wind blows through my willow tree outside, the friends and family who love me more than I could ever imagine- these are the things that make my life worth living.  

But for now... I'm going back to sleep :)

Thank you to all who read this, and to all who love me. Your support means more to me than anything.

ToryLynn