Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again. I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body. But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.
~~end emo rant~~~
OK, so I have backslid. That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again. I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been. The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms. This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on. If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.
I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it. This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out. So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.
Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
Showing posts with label restart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label restart. Show all posts
Monday, September 23, 2013
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Episode 49: What's in a name?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet, so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes."
Juliet said it best. A name is just a marker that is chosen for us at birth, something that our parents choose for us, something that we don't really think about, because we think it is out of our control. If I change my name, I will still be the same perfect person that I am. And so, as Juliet requests of Romeo, I may doff my name.
As we grow up, we identify with our names, we become attached to them, for the most part. As a woman gets married, in subservience to her husband, she changes her name to his, allowing him to dominate her nomenclature and taking away a part of her orginal identity, melding herself with him. He does not take her name, and stays the same person, not allowing himself to be subjugated, but instead becoming dominant. It's been this way in our society for at least a thousand years, and women have put up with it. Hell, I've put up with it. I changed my name when I got married. I thought it would bring me closer to my husband. Things change.
I've been thinking a lot about my name, and posted a bit to Facebook about a possible name change, which prompted this post.
Now that I am divorcing, I have a chance to go back to my original name. Actually, it's even drawn up in my divorce papers that I will return to Victoria H----, but I'm not sure about this. My name has become sort of a sticking point for me for as long as I can remember.
I was born Victoria H---- over 35 years ago. My parents decided to call me Vicky, which changed to Vicki when I got to kindergarten and was asked which way I would like to spell my name. (I think I simply asked which letter comes first in the alphabet and decided that was how I would spell my name.) I was Vicki H--- from kindergarten until my sophomore year of high school. As Vicki H----, I was mostly subservient, quiet, kind, polite, not much of a troublemaker... for the most part. I had my fits of teenaged rebellion, but Vicki H---- was who I remained for a very very long time.
In my sophomore year of high school, I grew very rebellious and changed quite a bit. This new identity that I created, this rebellious teenager who wouldn't take shit from anybody was called Tory. When I moved in with my grandmother briefly during my sophomore year, when asked what I would like to be called (Victoria was too formal), I told the teacher's Tory, and for three months, Tory went to Menlo-Atherton high school. Tory H----- was kind of a no nonsense kind of girl. I liked her.
I returned to Stockton and my name, changing it just a little bit to Vicky H----. The addition of the Y did little to change me and I returned to the girl I was. When I became interested in computers, my computer handle was Vixen, or sometimes Vixen Vipere, after a old device that my boyfriend and I had used in our writing. It was short for Vixantrayil, a name that I played with like a toy, a character I had created for a book that we had written together.
When I got married, I took my husband's last name as was tradition and was Vicky L---. We got married in 1998 and I stayed Vicky L--- for at least 7 years. Everybody still called me Vicky, at least family and friends, but I was in college and Vicky just seemed too..childish. Vicky, in my mind, was a cheerleader, a sorority sister, a little girl with pigtails and just wasn't who I was anymore. I attempted to get people to call me Victoria, which seemed much more professional and was the name that was put on all of my degrees. But my friends and family insisted on calling me Vicky... except one person.
With one person, I confident and powerful and I didn't take shit. He made me feel strong. For this person, I was Tory again. He called me Tory for a good five years, and I loved him for the confidence that he seemed to give me. A false confidence, I am sorry to say, for when he pushed me away, all of that confidence broke.
With a little time and healing, I knew that I could not go back to being Vicky again and Victoria didn't quite fit right. It felt a bit big for me, so I took the name Tory back and made it my own. I grew confident, I added my middle name to it and became ToryLynn online (although everybody still called me Tory). I grew into ToryLynn and became strong. I felt confident, I felt powerful, and I felt good finally being who I really wanted to be. I joined writing groups, I became a big part of the writing community on Second Life for a while, and I felt like a better person. I had found my power.
Unfortunately, as I gained my power as ToryLynn, Vicky was being left far behind with my husband. I grew apart from him as I pursued my creativity and my power. I feel bad about doing that, especially today. Now, I am leaving him. It's not like I suddenly stopped loving. It is that I grew up and became a different person.
So, now this new person needs a new name. In some societies, you are given a child name, something that your parents and family call you which is a personal name just for them. When you grow up in this society, you are given a new name by an elder, or are asked to choose your own, something that represents you. This new stage in my life is giving me a chance to choose my name and become a new person. The strong, confident, beautiful woman that I know Ican be am.
I am reluctant to return to H----- as I don't want to be the child that I was before I got married, and I don't want to keep my husband's last name, since I have outgrown that as well. I consider changing it to McGregor and becoming Victoria McGregor, which would look good on a book jacket, and Tory McGregor, which sounds awesome, and very ethnic to me. Back to my Scottish ancestors, honoring my blood. Another option is Victoria French, my grandmother's last name. Both are options which I find interesting, which I think are good.
I will try on both for the next five months, and make my decision once my divorce is final. I will give it a lot of thought.
Until next time, I am just
ToryLynn
Juliet said it best. A name is just a marker that is chosen for us at birth, something that our parents choose for us, something that we don't really think about, because we think it is out of our control. If I change my name, I will still be the same perfect person that I am. And so, as Juliet requests of Romeo, I may doff my name.
As we grow up, we identify with our names, we become attached to them, for the most part. As a woman gets married, in subservience to her husband, she changes her name to his, allowing him to dominate her nomenclature and taking away a part of her orginal identity, melding herself with him. He does not take her name, and stays the same person, not allowing himself to be subjugated, but instead becoming dominant. It's been this way in our society for at least a thousand years, and women have put up with it. Hell, I've put up with it. I changed my name when I got married. I thought it would bring me closer to my husband. Things change.
I've been thinking a lot about my name, and posted a bit to Facebook about a possible name change, which prompted this post.
Now that I am divorcing, I have a chance to go back to my original name. Actually, it's even drawn up in my divorce papers that I will return to Victoria H----, but I'm not sure about this. My name has become sort of a sticking point for me for as long as I can remember.
I was born Victoria H---- over 35 years ago. My parents decided to call me Vicky, which changed to Vicki when I got to kindergarten and was asked which way I would like to spell my name. (I think I simply asked which letter comes first in the alphabet and decided that was how I would spell my name.) I was Vicki H--- from kindergarten until my sophomore year of high school. As Vicki H----, I was mostly subservient, quiet, kind, polite, not much of a troublemaker... for the most part. I had my fits of teenaged rebellion, but Vicki H---- was who I remained for a very very long time.
In my sophomore year of high school, I grew very rebellious and changed quite a bit. This new identity that I created, this rebellious teenager who wouldn't take shit from anybody was called Tory. When I moved in with my grandmother briefly during my sophomore year, when asked what I would like to be called (Victoria was too formal), I told the teacher's Tory, and for three months, Tory went to Menlo-Atherton high school. Tory H----- was kind of a no nonsense kind of girl. I liked her.
I returned to Stockton and my name, changing it just a little bit to Vicky H----. The addition of the Y did little to change me and I returned to the girl I was. When I became interested in computers, my computer handle was Vixen, or sometimes Vixen Vipere, after a old device that my boyfriend and I had used in our writing. It was short for Vixantrayil, a name that I played with like a toy, a character I had created for a book that we had written together.
When I got married, I took my husband's last name as was tradition and was Vicky L---. We got married in 1998 and I stayed Vicky L--- for at least 7 years. Everybody still called me Vicky, at least family and friends, but I was in college and Vicky just seemed too..childish. Vicky, in my mind, was a cheerleader, a sorority sister, a little girl with pigtails and just wasn't who I was anymore. I attempted to get people to call me Victoria, which seemed much more professional and was the name that was put on all of my degrees. But my friends and family insisted on calling me Vicky... except one person.
With one person, I confident and powerful and I didn't take shit. He made me feel strong. For this person, I was Tory again. He called me Tory for a good five years, and I loved him for the confidence that he seemed to give me. A false confidence, I am sorry to say, for when he pushed me away, all of that confidence broke.
With a little time and healing, I knew that I could not go back to being Vicky again and Victoria didn't quite fit right. It felt a bit big for me, so I took the name Tory back and made it my own. I grew confident, I added my middle name to it and became ToryLynn online (although everybody still called me Tory). I grew into ToryLynn and became strong. I felt confident, I felt powerful, and I felt good finally being who I really wanted to be. I joined writing groups, I became a big part of the writing community on Second Life for a while, and I felt like a better person. I had found my power.
Unfortunately, as I gained my power as ToryLynn, Vicky was being left far behind with my husband. I grew apart from him as I pursued my creativity and my power. I feel bad about doing that, especially today. Now, I am leaving him. It's not like I suddenly stopped loving. It is that I grew up and became a different person.
So, now this new person needs a new name. In some societies, you are given a child name, something that your parents and family call you which is a personal name just for them. When you grow up in this society, you are given a new name by an elder, or are asked to choose your own, something that represents you. This new stage in my life is giving me a chance to choose my name and become a new person. The strong, confident, beautiful woman that I know I
I am reluctant to return to H----- as I don't want to be the child that I was before I got married, and I don't want to keep my husband's last name, since I have outgrown that as well. I consider changing it to McGregor and becoming Victoria McGregor, which would look good on a book jacket, and Tory McGregor, which sounds awesome, and very ethnic to me. Back to my Scottish ancestors, honoring my blood. Another option is Victoria French, my grandmother's last name. Both are options which I find interesting, which I think are good.
I will try on both for the next five months, and make my decision once my divorce is final. I will give it a lot of thought.
Until next time, I am just
ToryLynn
Monday, October 10, 2011
Episode 18: Here I go again...
OK, so, after a 2 week break, and a weekend of not blogging, or keeping track of much of my food and stuff, I am back. I am back because I need to work on myself and this seems to be the only way that it happens, if I am beholden to a large group of people who follow. I am back because truly I am exhausted with myself and that my weight seems to be holding me back from so much. I need to really work out this change.
I have two alarm clocks. One of them is on my phone and the other is an actual physical alarm clock. My phone is using an app called "Gentle Alarm" which is supposed to work with your circadian rhythms and if you happen to be waking up a half an hour earlier than your regular alarm clock, coming out of that deep REM cycle where exhaustion lies, Gentle Alarm nudges you during that time and reminds you that you should probably be getting up soon, as that sleep cycle is done. If you happen to be in deep REM sleep at that time, you simply ignore whatever sound the alarm plays and continue to sleep for another half an hour. Today, REM was not in my favor and I woke up at 4:30 instead of 4. My "get the hell out of bed, you can't snooze me!" alarm is set for 5 and resides across my bedroom from where I normally sleep. This alarm affords me an hour or so before I have to go to work, wherein I hope to complete my daily ablutions, have coffee, confirm my lesson plans for the day and and get ready for work.
So, rather than develop this as an evening habit after I put in my points and review my day, I am hoping to make this a morning habit, where I motivate myself (and perhaps my friends and family around me) to lose weight and get healthier. I know I can use the motivation. I gained .2 pounds this week. It's not a huge gain, and it could probably be water weight or just regular body fluctuations, but I really want to see the little minus signs before the numbers instead of after them.
So, new schedule has to be set. It is time for me to grow up and take over my life.. because nobody else is going to do it for me.
Love to all who support and follow me. This is going to be a great day!
ToryLynn
I have two alarm clocks. One of them is on my phone and the other is an actual physical alarm clock. My phone is using an app called "Gentle Alarm" which is supposed to work with your circadian rhythms and if you happen to be waking up a half an hour earlier than your regular alarm clock, coming out of that deep REM cycle where exhaustion lies, Gentle Alarm nudges you during that time and reminds you that you should probably be getting up soon, as that sleep cycle is done. If you happen to be in deep REM sleep at that time, you simply ignore whatever sound the alarm plays and continue to sleep for another half an hour. Today, REM was not in my favor and I woke up at 4:30 instead of 4. My "get the hell out of bed, you can't snooze me!" alarm is set for 5 and resides across my bedroom from where I normally sleep. This alarm affords me an hour or so before I have to go to work, wherein I hope to complete my daily ablutions, have coffee, confirm my lesson plans for the day and and get ready for work.
So, rather than develop this as an evening habit after I put in my points and review my day, I am hoping to make this a morning habit, where I motivate myself (and perhaps my friends and family around me) to lose weight and get healthier. I know I can use the motivation. I gained .2 pounds this week. It's not a huge gain, and it could probably be water weight or just regular body fluctuations, but I really want to see the little minus signs before the numbers instead of after them.
So, new schedule has to be set. It is time for me to grow up and take over my life.. because nobody else is going to do it for me.
Love to all who support and follow me. This is going to be a great day!
ToryLynn
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