Lighthouse Keeper

  Lately, I've been thinking about this poem that was written back in college, not by me, but by a good friend of mine, Jaye. I'm going to put it here in its entirety because it matters to know what it's about, and it's good words. (formatting is mine)

I am the Lighthouse Keeper.

I live in the Lighthouse, 

Cold, Alone and Waiting

Waiting for the ships to return.

I am the only one left who remembers

when those ships were in port.

One by one they left

Different destinations

But all away from here

Here I stay Here I stand Waiting

I have the list of the names of those ships

I kept tabs on their destinations

I am proud of those boats

I am proud of their journeys

Some traveled across the sevens seas

And carry the circus to towns

One is now private and hosts parties for

the best of Broadway

Some now show other boats 

how to move

Some still wander searching what to do

Some have been updated

Some have been destroyed

I swear one day they'll all come back

That's why I can not leave

For some one must be here

To make sure they're safe,

they're happy, they're proud

For although this boat doesn't leave

and this boat is now rusted

And all the others don't stop moving

And never get rust

I love each and every one

And I will wait for them

right here

For some are destined for greatness

Some find it by chance

Some help others make it

And one must stay behind

One must keep the light on 

So the others can find their way home

So they can come back

enjoy their time together

remember old times

catch up on what's been happening

And hopefully they won't stay

"That poor guy, stuck here all this time,

all these years"

Hopefully they'll thank me

for keeping the lighthouse on.

For I am the Lighthouse Keeper

I've been thinking a lot about this poem lately, which was written probably close to twenty years ago.  

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I've been in my profession for 20 years. I've been working as an English teacher at Stagg High School for 19 years. I have watched people come and go my entire life, and here I sit, hanging on, hoping others will come back to me someday, just to say hi.

I'm not a favorite teacher very often, but I know that I'm liked. I had a student today tell me that I'm his favorite teacher because I try to relate to my students. I said thank you, and he laughed and said "No, I'm really serious. Like-- you try to listen to us!", and I can't imagine being a teacher who doesn't listen to their students and let them talk to you. But, I am here - being a teacher. 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I am here in Stockton, and I don't see me really going anywhere. In spite of the moniker of "Most Miserable City" (Thanks Forbes), and "Murder Capitol" (which I don't think we are) I love my city. I love its diversity. The diversity of the people, the diversity of the opinions, but especially the diversity in restaurants. I can go 4 blocks in any direction from where I am and find Indian food, a few sushi places, a poke salad place, a few Italian restaurants, a decent(ish) diner, a mom and pop hot dog store and even a Panera.  On my drive home from work there is quite a diversity of food - even if I need to cook at home more often.

I've been here in this apartment for the last ten years. It's the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life, but I've (almost) always lived in Stockton, and the neighborhood I'm in now is wonderful. Maybe not the quietest all the time, but a good apartment, the people are friendly and the noisiest it gets is around the 4th of July. The walk around the complex is a quarter mile track, the leaves are just beginning to turn brown and the sparse lawn between the buildings 

I've been thinking about this poem lately because I feel like the Lighthouse Keeper of the poem, I have watched everybody move away and wander to find their destiny. My students, my friends, my lovers. They all go off to find their fortune in the world, and I watch them, and wish for the best for them in everything, hoping that once in a while they look back with fondness on me and maybe think to say "Hi" once in a while, knowing that I think of them fondly. 

Sick Day

 I love Autumn. I love the crisp air, the sound when the wind sussurrates through the trees, and the light is grey from the clouds. It makes me think of flannel sheets, glowing screens and comfort. It has been a beautiful day.  I took a sick day today to catch up on my grading and catch up on my mental health. The weekend just wasn't enough.

I always feel guilty when I take Mondays off, mostly because I think it makes me look lazy, like I'm trying to get a vacation or a three day weekend, but this one was the culmination of too many vegetables - and the resulting upset stomach - and stress. Since I got COVID, my life has been nothing but stress lately: stress because of procrastination; stress because I am just still so tired all the time; stress because I'm me, and I'm not taking care of myself.

Something is motivating me this week, and I hope that I can hold on to this feeling. It felt like something clicked into place. I started journalling again. It feels good to write in my journal again. It's good for my mental health to find a place. One of my students said to me this week "I haven't been using the Word of the Day, Ms. M. I've just been writing to myself, and it really seemed to help!"  I was so proud of him. Writing can be cathartic, and it's good to see that at least something is getting through to some of my students. 

I have two weeks until Fall Break, and then I can relax. I am hoping that I can relax with all of my grades done so that I can sit at Panera, drinking free coffee, writing and planning out this year's novel. It will be so good for my health. (Panera is my favorite third space!) I like to go in the morning when it's cool so that I can write while my husband is still asleep. (He usually doesn't wake up before 10.) I'm trying to write a romance this year- something I really haven't tried in a long time, but many say I would be pretty good at. I'm excited. The idea affords some research and a lot of imagination, but I'm excited.

Two more weeks... I can't wait to get to my writing life again. :)

Working while sick

 From the top of my esophagus to the bottom of my ribs, my entire body aches. This dry cough and sore throat have wracked my body now for over a month, causing my head to ache,  my muscles to tire and my head to go all swimmy every time I cough.  Recovering from COVID sucks.

This cough isn't unusual for me, however.  It is a cough that I have lived with every winter as the air gets chillier and the temperatures head into the 30s (that's -1 to anybody who isn't in America). Seven years ago, coming home from New Jersey, I developed pneumonia that required a fun regiment of medicines and a week of bedrest. Ever since then, I have spent every winter racking my lungs with harsh coughs that hurts everything and makes me tired and weak. My worst month is January, but the coughs will continue through to March. I have developed a taste for Fisherman's Friend cough drops- pure menthol that soothes the beast that is my lungs.

And yet, here I am, still sitting at my desk at school teaching. I can't take the time off that I would need in order to make myself better because I have only 11 school days in the year that I can take off as sick days and ten COVID days paid for by the state. I've taken 6 COVID days and was docked pay because the government only covers so much per day, and apparently I make more than that.

 When I do take sick days,  I take them for physical illness as well as mental illness. If I was to stay home during the entirety of my coughing days, I would lose all of my sick days and then some. And that then some is the problem. Any days that I take beyond those 11 days I have to pay for out of my own salary to help cover the costs of my substitute teacher. I get "docked" those days essentially.  So, instead of staying home and fully recovering and making myself better by being home, I come to school, and I sit at my desk, and I teach, and I cough... and I cough.... and I cough. 

I'm fortunate to be in an industry that allows me paid days off. If I was in the service industry or if I was perhaps a retail worker, I wouldn't have the option of taking a day off and still getting compensated for that, and living in California - probably one of the most expensive States- means that every penny is important and accounted for.  If I worked in a job that didn't afford me the sick days, I would not be able to afford life. I would have to think of something that I could let go of in order to take the day off, or I would have to work sick.

 A quick Google search for "Sickness and productivity" shows many results that talk about the affect of working while sick, and most of them say that you are definitely not going to be at 100% when you are working. There are also results about how to tell your boss that you're sick, and what to do if your boss refuses to let you stay home from work, which is a sad state of affairs. Businesses that care more for capital rather than people have become the standard.  

Unless the system changes and we can take care of ourselves rather than sacrifice ourselves to the mighty god that we call Commerce, we will continue to work while we are sick and continue to spread diseases.

Episode 32: Observation

Ok.. this one isn't going to be about weight loss at all, but about school and how incredibly nervous I am!

My evaluation observation is today.  The administrator has been given my lesson plans and I have a my powerpoint ready and all of my lesson plans set up with all of my handouts. My classroom is sort of messy, but as soon as I take a shower, I'm going to go remedy that situation.  I am going to be amazing. I am going to wander and make sure everybody is working. I am going to check for understanding. I am going to make sure that my students all understand what theme is. I am going to be amazing.  I am unnerved.

Because my life has been going through so many changes recently, I am gaining a certain amount of confidence in myself.  I hope that confidence comes through in my classroom today. I hope that I shine as bright as the Chrysler building! :)  I hope I do great things.  I'm not exactly as well planned for my Junior class as I would like, but so that goes, I suppose.

I am rambly today because I am nervous.  I am nervous because I am afraid to get a bad review. Even though I have tenure, even though I have a decent respect of the administration and my own limitations, I am afraid of getting a bad review.  But I am a great teacher. I connect to my students, I pay attention to their needs. I know my materials and my curriculum.  I *am* a good teacher.  So why do I suddenly feel that I totally lack confidence? Why am I so nervous and scared all of a sudden?  I'm not sure.

I have to take a shower and pick out some clothes to wear.  I have had my coffee for today, eaten my cottage cheese with pineapple, and have plans for lunch with a teacher friend to debrief and talk about lesson plans and stuff and a plan with AM to unwind and watch Full Metal Alchemist (awesome anime) to unwind this evening.  Today will be a good day. I know it will.  I'm just.. crossing my fingers and my toes and would even cross my ovaries..if I could!

Love and lollipops and wish me luck!

Tory

Episode 20: Anywhere but Here

Ok.. so.. because I didn't exactly make my coffee the right way this morning I am blogging late.  My lesson plans aren't exactly done, since I came home and literally crashed yesterday afternoon for about 3 hours, and my hair is a mess.

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer a lot when I was in college (and I do happen to own the DVDs), and in one episode, I think at the beginning of the second season, Willow and Xander are walking around near the graveyard playing a game of "Anywhere but here".  Fun game and I can think of a few places that fit the bill right now. (Xander was boring and always had the same answer).

I'm tired today down to my bones, and I'm coming down from a 2 week really awesome high.  Fortunately, even though I'm coming down from it, my feet haven't quite hit the ground yet.  Getting back to school is where my focus should lie right now, but life has a funny way of making us wish that we weren't where we actually are.

I listen to Norah Jones.  She has a lovely voice, and most of her songs are pretty well within my range.  She has one, probably her best known one, called "Come Away with Me."  That song has all of my "Anywhere but Here"s right now. ("I wanna walk with you/on a cloudy day/in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high....I want to wake up/to the rain/falling on a tin roof/while I'm safe there in your arms/)  Doesn't that sound nice?

Anyway, school calls and grades are due today.  I think I can get away with watching a movie, perhaps.  I know that none of my students are going to be prepared for class today... I know I'm not.

Hugs and kisses and love to all...

ToryLynn