Teacher Sick (Warning: Naughty words rant)

 We started Thanksgiving Break on Friday afternoon. I spent Thursday night, some of Friday, some of Saturday and ALL DAY SUNDAY in SO MUCH PAIN! My period, which shows up now about once every three months, showed up with the fucking cavalry, and I want to curl up into a tiny ball and make all of the world just fuck off right now. It's gross, it's painful, I don't like it. One of my good friends is - unfortunately - having a hysterectomy because of reasons, and right now I am so fucking envious of her.

On top of that, and the reason for today's post, I have something akin to a cold, or something. It started Friday night. Now, this is something I'm used to. Nearly every break, I spend the first few days sick. (Yes, I am wishing that Thanksgiving Break was longer.) I'll be fine after a few days, but it almost always happens. 

According to WebMD, I have what is called "leisure sickness."  It's where you have a job that is so stressful that you build up this strange immunity and "put off" being sick until your body can handle being sick, which is when you're "not stressed".  I guess it's like if I am going to have a cold, or the flu or something like that (or, I guess, my period) my body realizes that I am too stressed out to deal with that illness right now and instead files it away for "later" when I'm not as stressed out.  And later comes during holiday breaks. 

Apparently this can happen for emotional distress too, I think. I can deal with emotional stress and not get emotional about it.. until I'm on break. So I not only spend my first few days of nearly every vacation in a ball of pain and phlegm (pretty picture, I know), but I'm also a crying, emotionally wrecked ball of phlegm. So much fun.

Fortunately, Thanksgiving isn't until Thursday. I should be done with all of this (hopefully) by tomorrow and be able to make wonderful pies for my family for Thanksgiving as well as some broccoli in brown butter with cotija (because I can't find mizithra cheese anywhere). 

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm going to go drink a Monster, write five thousand words and crochet until all the stress leaves my body.

Yay!

Sick Day

 I love Autumn. I love the crisp air, the sound when the wind sussurrates through the trees, and the light is grey from the clouds. It makes me think of flannel sheets, glowing screens and comfort. It has been a beautiful day.  I took a sick day today to catch up on my grading and catch up on my mental health. The weekend just wasn't enough.

I always feel guilty when I take Mondays off, mostly because I think it makes me look lazy, like I'm trying to get a vacation or a three day weekend, but this one was the culmination of too many vegetables - and the resulting upset stomach - and stress. Since I got COVID, my life has been nothing but stress lately: stress because of procrastination; stress because I am just still so tired all the time; stress because I'm me, and I'm not taking care of myself.

Something is motivating me this week, and I hope that I can hold on to this feeling. It felt like something clicked into place. I started journalling again. It feels good to write in my journal again. It's good for my mental health to find a place. One of my students said to me this week "I haven't been using the Word of the Day, Ms. M. I've just been writing to myself, and it really seemed to help!"  I was so proud of him. Writing can be cathartic, and it's good to see that at least something is getting through to some of my students. 

I have two weeks until Fall Break, and then I can relax. I am hoping that I can relax with all of my grades done so that I can sit at Panera, drinking free coffee, writing and planning out this year's novel. It will be so good for my health. (Panera is my favorite third space!) I like to go in the morning when it's cool so that I can write while my husband is still asleep. (He usually doesn't wake up before 10.) I'm trying to write a romance this year- something I really haven't tried in a long time, but many say I would be pretty good at. I'm excited. The idea affords some research and a lot of imagination, but I'm excited.

Two more weeks... I can't wait to get to my writing life again. :)

Working while sick

 From the top of my esophagus to the bottom of my ribs, my entire body aches. This dry cough and sore throat have wracked my body now for over a month, causing my head to ache,  my muscles to tire and my head to go all swimmy every time I cough.  Recovering from COVID sucks.

This cough isn't unusual for me, however.  It is a cough that I have lived with every winter as the air gets chillier and the temperatures head into the 30s (that's -1 to anybody who isn't in America). Seven years ago, coming home from New Jersey, I developed pneumonia that required a fun regiment of medicines and a week of bedrest. Ever since then, I have spent every winter racking my lungs with harsh coughs that hurts everything and makes me tired and weak. My worst month is January, but the coughs will continue through to March. I have developed a taste for Fisherman's Friend cough drops- pure menthol that soothes the beast that is my lungs.

And yet, here I am, still sitting at my desk at school teaching. I can't take the time off that I would need in order to make myself better because I have only 11 school days in the year that I can take off as sick days and ten COVID days paid for by the state. I've taken 6 COVID days and was docked pay because the government only covers so much per day, and apparently I make more than that.

 When I do take sick days,  I take them for physical illness as well as mental illness. If I was to stay home during the entirety of my coughing days, I would lose all of my sick days and then some. And that then some is the problem. Any days that I take beyond those 11 days I have to pay for out of my own salary to help cover the costs of my substitute teacher. I get "docked" those days essentially.  So, instead of staying home and fully recovering and making myself better by being home, I come to school, and I sit at my desk, and I teach, and I cough... and I cough.... and I cough. 

I'm fortunate to be in an industry that allows me paid days off. If I was in the service industry or if I was perhaps a retail worker, I wouldn't have the option of taking a day off and still getting compensated for that, and living in California - probably one of the most expensive States- means that every penny is important and accounted for.  If I worked in a job that didn't afford me the sick days, I would not be able to afford life. I would have to think of something that I could let go of in order to take the day off, or I would have to work sick.

 A quick Google search for "Sickness and productivity" shows many results that talk about the affect of working while sick, and most of them say that you are definitely not going to be at 100% when you are working. There are also results about how to tell your boss that you're sick, and what to do if your boss refuses to let you stay home from work, which is a sad state of affairs. Businesses that care more for capital rather than people have become the standard.  

Unless the system changes and we can take care of ourselves rather than sacrifice ourselves to the mighty god that we call Commerce, we will continue to work while we are sick and continue to spread diseases.

Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Episode 46: What is Healthy?

Can't post long.  I have to take a shower and get to work.

So, I lost my five percent.  My next goal is to get to 10%, which doesn't seem all that far off. But after that, what is my weight goal?  According to Weight Watchers, in order to reach life time membership, I should weight between 106 and 132.  I don't think I've weighed 132 since I was in grade school. That doesn't mean I wasn't healthy though.  Around 150, I think was when I was "fit" and "healthy".  I may have had a few pounds, but I felt like I wasn't doing too bad for myself.  I've always had broad shoulders and wide hips (makes for a nice hourglass shape), but I can say that at 150, I was healthy.  Getting down to 132, which would be more than losing half of who I am now, would be.. well.. amazing, but weird for me.

Through right now, I'm not feeling too healthy.  I have, I think, developed a cold, and a splitting migraine.  My eyes have gone all wonky and if it wasn't the week before finals, I probably wouldn't be going to school.  I wish I could throw on a movie and just let them learn something that way, but it wouldn't be fair to them. The students do need to learn something.

So, I am off for a long hot shower and a day of teaching poetry!  Fortunately, poetry is one of my favorite things (as well as raindrops on roses and warn woolen mittens).

I hope you have a glorious Tuesday.  I want to go back to bed...

ToryLynn