Episode 50: A Review

Wow.. has it been 50 posts so far?  Ok. I admit, I have been really lax at posting for the last week or so, mostly because of my complete lack of internet connection.  I am currently sitting and soaking up the warmth, the coffee and the ambiance of Noah's bagels... and stealing their internet.  I won't get mine back until the seventh.

I didn't weigh in this week (mostly because they were closed on Christmas day), so I don't know my current weight loss situation, but I have lost over 15 pounds so far, but that isn't far enough, and I'm pretty sure with the holiday gluttony I have probably gained some back.  I have to get back on track for a few reasons.  I may  have a fairly strong heart, but I want to give it as much of a chance as I can to live and be strong.  I want to be the girl that I see when think of myself in fantasy.  I also just want to be healthier.  So, that is what I'm going to do.

When I think of 15 pounds in the grand scheme of how much I have to lose, it doesn't seem like a whole lot, but at least it's a step in the right direction.  If I put three bags of sugar together, that's how much weight I've lost. I've lost 15 packs of butter from my body.  I've lost 32 8oz filet mignons.. and I'm only bound to lose more. When I put it like that.. it makes me feel like I can do anything!

In the week without internet, I have moved into a new apartment and started a new life.  I'm spending today finishing cleaning out the old apartment and getting everything out of it, even if it kills me.  I know I can do this. I am strong enough to do this. It requires that I clean out my car first, and throw away some of the boxes that I have in my current apartment to make room for the stuff coming in.  I'm almost done packing and I'm only going to give the old place a sort of cursory cleaning, hoping to get my deposit back.  As I have my rent paid up for next month, and a few other things, I may take a small part of that deposit and get my bass guitar kit and then put the rest on the credit card to pay back the exorbitant amount of money that I put on it in the moving expenses.

This new year will be a new start for me.  I think back on my last few years, and I think about EH and AM and everything that has come and gone from my life this year.  My family and my friends all say that the divorce was a long time coming and probably should have been done sooner.  I guess I just needed a catalyst.  I regret hurting my husband, who has taken care of me in the past, but in taking care of me, he stunted me as well.  I am 35 and I'm just learning how to balance a check book, how to pay attention and pay my bills and how to eat correctly and healthfully.  These are all things I should have been doing my entire adult life, but that I have neglected because I thought that someone else would take care of me.

Now, as I begin to grow up, I eat my vegetables (Brussel sprouts ARE palatable when roasted with garlic and olive oil!), I pay my bills, I have my own place and I am rediscovering my creativity again.  I am rededicating myself to The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and I am hoping to rediscover my creative self and finish a damned novel.  I only have 283 days left to get it finished and I hope.. publishable. I start on Sunday... a new year.. a finished novel... a new love.. a new life... all in my new apartment.

I have to become a better teacher too, but with living on my own and everything, I think I will have plenty of time to work on grading and lesson planning and being the best teacher and writer and poet and singer and artist (and bass player) that I can be.

Anyway, I have about a mile to walk back home (it's .91 miles from home to Noah's), and then unpack and clean out my car and go move everything in my old life in order to start my new.  I hate moving.  I hate looking at the old memories.  I think back to the good times, and I know that I will miss them, but I also know that I am making the right choice for myself.  I can't go on living like I did, because I just kept getting more and more miserable.  I have been posting my emocubes (or emorbs as the case may be) on Facebook. I've been tracking those for about six months now.  My little emo chart had been going steadily down, with a few up spikes every once in a while for a while.  Once I made the decision to change my life.. the line on the chart has been going steadily up, with a few little dips here and there.

I know that I can make it on my own.  I know that I am strong enough to do this, and that my life can be anything I want it to be.  Life is what you make of it.  Today, I am making it my own.

Love, hugs.. and Chiiiii

ToryLynn

Episode 2: So.. I can't do math

This tracking my foods thing is easy, but not as easy as I had thought.

I bought this three month planner to keep track of all of my food.  This is what I've eaten today with the corresponding point value and how I had it figured out. I get 45 points a day

0 Banana (power food! yay!) 45 left
6  Lemon Treats (yummy!) 39
8 Cobb Salad 31 (more powerfood!)
0 Grapes from Frank 31
0 Clemintines 31
3 lemon chiffon cookies (sugar free) 28
3 chocolate chip cookies (sugar free) 25
6 wendy's chicken nuggets 19
12 Wendy's homestyle chicken 7
11 Wendy's medium fries -4
3 Wendy's BBQ sauce -7
0 Banana (power food again!) -7
4 chocolate chips -11
1 creme d'menthe -12

So.. 45 + (-12) = 57.  Right? I'm not insane?  But when I put all of this into the food tracker for weight watchers, it tells me that I've used 65.  Huh?  OK.. recalcuate... Still not getting it. Recalcuate again. Hrm..

I'm confused.  So.. look at the meal points...

Breakfast = Bananas, Lemon treats and Cobb Salad.
Lunch = Cobb Salad.. wait.. um.. ok.. my eight points off.. is right there, I'm too much of a math doofus not to see it and I'm stressing over numbers. BAH!

So go back to the tracker, check all the foods, it says I've used 57 points... I'm all right now. Just a little bit of stress, but hey.  I can handle it.  I add in a few of my activity points (6 earned) and that leaves 51.. so I take 6 from my left over weekly allowance of 42.. and I still have 35 glorious points left for the week.

I should take a few of those off, since I decided that my weigh in and meeting time will be on Sundays and I technically started on a Monday, but I'm not going to.

This might be a bit difficult for me to do, what with all the math, but I know I can do this.  It will just take time and patience and the ability to add and subtract numbers.  I can do that (maybe).  I think I just have to be a bit more careful about adding in foods and keep everything in my written tracker (which lets me use my fancy pens anyway), and then add it into the computer tracker every evening.  Then I blog to you fine folks, which really is just for me, since I am writing this mostly to keep track of my journey for myself.  If I happen to inspire anybody on my way through, even better!  I can accept my musey glory, even if it comes in delicious treats.

I know I can't post the weight watcher's recipes here, since they're probably all copyrighted and everything, but any new recipes I come up with that I think are scrumptious will go here with a point value and everything.  Maybe even pictures, but I'm not going to get ahead of myself. Hehehe.. food blog. How awesome would that be. (/me Imagines paparazzi following her around asking her about her latest fabulous low-calorie recipe, NBC on the line to discuss a new hit cooking show, cookbook signing tours.... hey! It could happen!)

The downside of all of this exercise and lower calorie regime is that my energy levels have dropped to seriously declining levels.  I am *exhausted* most of the time... and an exhausted TL is a cranky TL!  So, I am off to curl up with a good McEwan novel and listen to the beautiful voice of my favorite executive transvestite, Eddie Izzard, as he lulls me into hilarous, happy dream filled sleep.

Goodnight all!

TL