Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Episode 87: Fear or No Fear

I promised AM that when school was over, I would work on getting healthier again. Well, I have 3 more school days, and so here I am, considering and thinking about what I want to do to get healthy again.  I have taken almost a year off - a year since my wedding last June - from thinking about my health. I have reveled in the convenience of fast food and eating out, quick meals from Trader Joe's that weren't  always the healthiest choices and I haven't tracked or done much exercise since I got my Fitbit, figuring it would do all of my tracking for me.  But now that the date for me getting healthier is less than a week away...I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous, or to put it more precisely, I'm scared.

I am scared that I will try to start something and my body will just give up or not let me do that something.  I am scared that the pain will be so overwhelming that not want to move at all.  I am afraid that I won't be able to eat carbs anymore and that all of my food will become bland and tasteless.  I am scared I won't find healthy recipes that I like and be forced to eat foods that are boring. I am scared that when I become healthier, people will expect more of me and I won't be able to give it to them.

On the other hand, I am scared that I won't be able to walk around Disneyland when AM and I go there for our humungous Anniversary bash in a few years once alimony is over.  I am scared that I will keep gaining weight instead of losing it and become one of those people who has to be cut out of her house and put into a truck in order to go to the hospital.  I am scared every night that I will go to bed and not wake up the next morning and then I would be without AM, without my life, that I will leave the people I love the most behind me.

Fear plays a big role in my life.  I know that I have to get over some of these fears in order to be healthy again.  When I was in high school, there were all of these T-shirts that said "No Fear" and I didn't really get it back then.  I still don't honestly get the idea now, except that it was a brand name, but you know, fear is healthy. Fear is something that, while not entirely tangible, we can feel.  In a genetic, predispositioned, evolutionary way, we are programmed to feel fear and to react to it. Fight or flight.  Well, I guess it is time to stop flying and time to start fighting...and that scares me even more.

I start at the end of this week.  More moving, more fruits and veggies, more posting here about how I'm feeling.  I need to get back into the habit of this again too.  It is good for me, and I miss the feedback from people who support and love me.  I can do it this time.  Time for the next round.  Fight the fear!

Episode 84: My Not so-BFS List!

I saw this on the Nanowrimo forums and I thought I would make one of my own here, so I have a place to keep it.  My BIG, FUN, SCARY List of thing to do.  Now, I know it's getting on towards 2014, but I don't want this to be a list of resolutions. I don't want this to be just one more list of things that I will "try" to do, but a list of things I plan on actually doing, things I can set in motion, make plans for, make a goal for and just.. you know.. be awesome at!  Nanowrimo is sort of the end of the year for me and the beginning of being motivated. If I can write 50,000 words in one month on one story (and not even finish it, but it is there, in a file, waiting to be opened on Martin Luther King Jr. Day where my Writing Monster can cry out "Free at Last" since I have put her away for 6 weeks to let my writing ideas simmer and see what comes to fruition), I can do just about anything I really set my mind to, as long as I break it into smaller chunks.

See, that's the nice thing about Nanowrimo.  I took it day by day. I didn't look at 50,000 words and have a panic attack. I looked at 1667 words a day for 30 days.  So I can't look at the nearly 200 pounds I have to lose as 200 pounds (and believe me, that's a lot of butter!), I can just take it a pound at a time (probably by not eating pounds of butter).

However, this list, this BFS list, is the beginning of the lists, the start, the "Where do I go from here" of lists that may look BIG and SCARY, but will also, ultimately be FUN too!  So, while this list may be a list of BIG things, (though maybe not quite yet a BIG list, I do plan on adding stuff to it), all of these can be broken into smaller, achievable, day by day every day I try this and it works for me goal list.  A list of "I can do it" not.. "I want to do it!"

So, here's my list (in no particular order)

1. Finish my pink and brown quilt that I've been working on since before my divorce.
2. Track my calories and exercise daily.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Record weight, blood pressure, blood sugar and exercise in a chart so I can see my progress.
5. Write an outline for each of the three (so far) books that are in my San Francisco Friends novels.
6. Rewrite/Edit one novel into a publishable draft by August.
7. Work hard and be an awesome teacher!
8. Help my district and my school transition to Common Core Standards and be a great on-campus leader!
9. Help my adorable, loving, wonderful husband get through the next year of college!
10. Complete the next 12 weeks cycle of Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'.
11. Meditate every day.

So, those are things I can do!  Let's get crackin'!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 83: Back at Square One

Like an interminable game of chutes and ladders, I have slid back into the first spot of the board again.  I gained 10 pounds, at least, since the wedding, and my body is feeling it and my health - both physical and mental - have declined. My darling AM has been patient with me, and caring and loving, as I have mentally and emotionally tortured myself because of the great burden of guilt that weighs down my thoughts and my body.  But he loves me, and because he loves me, I can fight from this pit of toxic despair and go on.

~~end emo rant~~~

OK, so I have backslid.  That doesn't mean that I can't get back up and do it again.  I have the tools, I have the support system and I have the ability to be better than I have been.  The first step is admitting there is a problem, and there is and I can help that and move on from this... whatever it is... and start using my coping mechanisms.  This blog is one of them. Even if I only post for myself, even if it is just my thoughts and a few things once in a while, I can use this space to think, to clear out and to consider the journey that I am on.  If I want to have children, if I want to live a long happy life with AM, this is what I have to do.

I have watched my friends get healthier lately, and I have stood by as a cheerleader and a supporter as I wave my little flag from the sidelines of My Fitness Pal, Fitbit and Superbetter, but I need that support as well, and I have been ignoring the cheerleaders on the sidelines of my life. My apologies. When one finds oneself at the bottom of a pit, all you tend to look at is the dirt walls, and not look up to see the many faces and hands that are there trying to help you come out of it.  This weekend AM reached out a hand and gave the top of my down-turned head a good smacking (metaphorically) and then offered his hand to pull me out.  So, I'm climbing out, and while the walls are slippery and there are many pitfalls, I know I can make it out.

Calling all cheerleaders, you are needed... and gratefully appreciated!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?

AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer.  Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:

Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.

Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.

I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it.  I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.

I'm also a sucker for good advertising.  Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item.  I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost".  I love to buy things.

Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware.  Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides.  Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off.  (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless.  I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).

Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands.  We coveted that shiny metal cookware.  We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.

And then we went to the State Fair.  And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware.  Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware.  It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying.  He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables.  We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices.  We had to have this cookware!

So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it.  Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed.  I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.

It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new.  I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair.  I succeeded in burning the pan.  A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...

Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food.  Chicken without any seasonings is amazing!  Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic.  I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.

Now, I want to learn to really cook!  I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water.  AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado.  It all looks really great!

In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase.  So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too.  This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life.  With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right,  I have no doubts that I will test that claim.

Here's to our health!

Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!

Episode 57: Point-less

A confession: Since AM has been here, I haven't really been counting points.  I haven't been eating awfully,and we are keeping each other on task for exercise and walking and being healthy.  I haven't been following the Weight Watcher's way, and I haven't been going to meetings, or even really weighing in.

But... I feel healthier.  I am happy.  I admit, my weight has always been a bit of a hassle for me, a bit of a sore spot, and it's not like I don't care about it, but I am happier and I think healthier even if I'm not really paying attention to points.  I eat my vegetables with (nearly) every meal. Instead of candy bars and carbs in my desk, I keep a small container of nuts and dried fruit next to my projector at school and munch a bit while my students are working.  Instead of ice cream every night (I was incredibly addicted to Drumsticks for a while), I grab a mandarin orange out of the basket on our table.

Don't get me wrong, I do still eat ice cream and brownies. I still make mini pies for dinner (bacon, mushroom and cheddar are my favorites), but I'm not constantly craving it anymore.  I'm not constantly in need of something sweet.  I do enjoy it from time to time, but my cravings are starting to go away.

I am watching my carb intake, and my sugar intake (although the White Chocolate Mocha I just had at Starbucks probably would kill any Atkins subscriber immediately), but I'm not starving myself, I'm not feeling deprived.  I feel healthier than I have in a really long time.  I do sort of envy the people who start and continue a program like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or even Atkins.  These are things I just don't have the mental toughness and will power to follow through on.  So, I will just keep on keeping on, making healthier choices without really depriving myself and I will just learn to be happier.  I"m learning that happiness, in the long run, means more to me than food.

I am finding other things to be happy about:  my Nook, my wonderful boyfriend, a shared meal at the dinner table, a good conversation.  I will always be thankful that AM has brought these things into my life. (Ok... ok... enough sappy romance.)

I will continue with my weight loss journey.  I will lose weight, but I will not obsess over it.  I will eat healthier foods (and share them with you, oh obscure reader).  I will strive to lead a healthier, happier, more active lifestyle.  For now, I leave with one parting thought:

It is not how much you weigh that will be weighed in the balance at the end of your life. Friends and family will not judge you on how large your casket is, but how large your heart was.  Be kind, gentle reader, to those around you.  It is the greatest measure of a person.

With love and lollipops,

ToryLynn