Chapter 2: Episode 1

Chapter 2: Episode 1

I am by no means a health guru.  Anybody looking at me can tell that I haven't really taken my health seriously in a long time.  From the rolls of fat on my body to my incredibly split ends and fairly sallow skin as well as the way I sort of waddle when I walk, you can tell that I am in poor health.

Since the last time this journal was active, I have been in poorer health. I am on blood pressure medication, pain medication and my total lack of exercise in the last year or so has made my weight go up in excess of 340 pounds.  This is not a healthy way to live.

Some little bell rang in my head last night. Maybe it was a long talk my husband and I had, sitting on the couch, surrounded by our three cats that woke up me up.  Maybe I was the way my back hurts, even when I'm just sitting still. Maybe it was my recent study of recent philosophy and religion.  I am not actually sure, but I finally decided last night that something has to be Fixed because I look around and I don't see any little old ladies who weigh 340 pounds.  And I would really like to be a little old lady who chases my husband around, trying to tickle him and joke about how awesome our old folks home is and how much I like the tapioca pudding.

So, this little voice woke up. It is a mean little voice, and sounds a bit like a cross between a sarcastic version of me and Bette Middler.  It tells me that I'm fat. It tells me that if I don't lose the weight, I may as well just hire a truck to move my fat body to the hospital.  It whispers to me that I will be so embarrassed when I can't even walk around the Asparagus festival next week because I can barely walk 300 feet.   And, it says in it's snarky tone, I can just forget about Las Vegas and having time with the other teachers away from my school learning about how to make my school a better place for my students. If I don't get in shape and learn to walk a mile (A MILE) without sitting, then I may as well forget about all of those things, because I'll never be able to do it.

The thing about this snarky little voice is not that it's totally mean or anything... Or not completely mean.  It also whispers to me, “You know you can do this because you've done it before."  Not more than a year ago.. March 2015, I started a campaign to walk more.  I started to use Zombies Run. I was using My Fitness Pal and Argus.  I was able to move. I could even walk a 5k.  I had to sit down a few times, but I would walk a 5k every Saturday while My Awesome Musician slept peacefully in our comfy bed with our one cat. Now we have three cats and an even comfier bed , and I don't move.  But, the voice tells me, "You Can."

And I guess that is the point of me coming back to this blog.  I can.  I can do the exercise. I can lose the 60 or so pounds I've gained.  I can even, someday soon, be the weight that is on my driver's license.  I just need motivation and the belief that I can.

So, I return to this blog to record my triumphs, my failures, my weaknesses and those little things that help me along the way. I'm going to use recipes, I'm going to use philosophy, I'm going to use meditation, but I am going to.  I have to.  Because I can.

Episode 56: Rebirth

Hi! 

I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose.  Well, mostly bliss anyway.  Things are good... for the most part.

Except my weight.

I seem to have reached some sort of plateau.  I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.

This needs to stop.

So, Easter is coming up.  I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion.  That being said, Easter is an interesting time.  It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals.  But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking. 

Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year.  Their God is reborn after three days.  I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.

I need to get back on track.  I need to be counting points, spending time exercising.  Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking.  We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company.  We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza.  (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures).  We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful!  And we walked so much!!

And when we got home... we felt it!  I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often.  Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system.  So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.

Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points.  Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you.  Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places).  Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing.  Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list. 

But they need to be.  I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either.  If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure.  My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on.  If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet.  It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.

The last part of my rebirth is my blog.  I need to start blogging again.  I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it.  I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately.  I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it.  This is (mostly) for me.

I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating.  I am a responsible adult.  I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.

Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,

ToryLynn

Episode 54: Starbucks Sunday

It is a beautiful day today.  The sun is shining, leaving golden streaks of light across the floors, there is soft music playing over the loud speakers and the woosh and swirl of coffee drinks being made fill the air as well as the chatter of my fellow diners.  My keyboard clicks pleasantly, and the cares of my week sort of melt away.  It is Starbucks Sunday, and I sit in my neighborhood Starbucks, typing up a new blog post and enjoying the companionship of AM.

It's funny sitting here, drinking my Grande Skinny Cafe Mocha (which we figured at 4 points) and eating my Noah's Everything Bagel Thin with Garlic Cream Cheese and Lox (7 points), for a satisfying, healthyish breakfast.  AM really fell into my Sunday morning routine pretty quickly, and nearly every other day of the week, is trying to feed me healthy foods like vegetables (gasp!) and fruits (swoon!) and even... even.. some Pho soup, which he makes pretty well! 

The last couple of weeks haven't been entirely good for my diet though.  My birthday came and went with two different chocolate cakes (I totally *don't* recommend the Chewy Fudge Bistro Cake from Safeway if you aren't prepared to die in a decadent chocolate heaven and want to eat the entire thing in one evening... which I did with the help of a few of my friends) and Valentine's Day as well as one of my students selling Girl Scout cookies.  Thin Mints are evil little minions of the diet devils!  AM finally hid the box of cookies for me on the top shelf of our kitchen storage in a place that I can't get to unless I use the foot stool. So, they are safe for now.  

So, we are rededicating ourselves to the idea of tracking points again, reading articles on the Weight Watchers website, and doing Wii Fit and walking to melt off the weight.  It is just as easy to buy and eat healthy food as it is to buy and eat junk food. There is a sign at the Weight Watchers that says "If you don't buy it, you can't eat it" and I was looking at that sign and thinking about how that is so true. If I don't buy the healthy foods, I can't eat healthy foods and get myself better.  If I don't buy the junk foods, I won't eat them because they won't be at my house.  I think that's a fairly good idea.  And with time, I will start to look at the vegetable aisle more than the cookie aisle; I will start to scope out the flavored waters instead of the Monsters; I will make a berry cobbler rather than a whole tray of cinnamon rolls.  I will be a healthier, happier person... and I will love myself more for it.

I have been eating a lot healthier than I was before, and amazingly enough, I am seeing the rewards.  My skin is clearer, my moods aren't fluctuating nearly as rapidly, and I can almost say that my bipolar disorder is a thing of the past.  I still get sad, and I still get happy, but everything seems so much more controllable. 

I am happy... and that is the best thing in the world.  Thank you to all of my friends and family for helping me to take care of myself.  Thanks most to AM who is helping me be a better person.  

Love, lollipops and hugs!

ToryLynn

P.S. I do plan on posting more often.  Hopefully I can get back to nearly daily updates.  I have a lot to think about and.. Spring Break in 2 weeks! Woot woot!!

Episode 52: Hiatus Over!

This blog was meant to record my weight loss journey, and quickly became just a place for me to talk about my life, my divorce, new love and getting myself back in order.  The last three weeks or so have been crazy in the "not caring about what I eat or taking care of myself at all" end, but food has definitely taken center stage in the last few weeks.  Such delicious, wonderful food.

So, on the 7th, I picked up AM from SFO and really, we have been eating up a storm ever since he landed! Bubba Gump's, Dante's Pizza, Ghirardelli (for breakfast on a Sunday morning.. mmm)... well... let's say they haven't been good for my waistline.  In the last two weeks, I have gained almost 6 pounds.  Ugh... time to get back to writing down everything I eat and start looking at the way that I eat.  I guess you can't live like a teenager forever.

It's not that eating right when I'm with someone is difficult.  I can make healthy meals and share them.  I have kind of taken to ordering great meals, and sharing them with someone now.  The problem is that I am not keeping track of what I am eating, and I am not really ordering the lowest point food on the menu.  I have been eating a lot of high calorie foods that just aren't good for me.

On the other hand, I have also been discovering a new love for some foods I would have never thought to try before.  One night we tried Vietnamese food, specifically a place called "Pho Lucky" which has wonderful noodle soup and some really great sweet and sour pork. I probably didn't need the sweet and sour pork, but every time I go to any place with Asian cuisine, I have to order sweet and sour pork. It is the touchstone I use to judge.  They have really awesome sweet and sour pork. The batter is light and fluffy and the sauce isn't drowning the pork, but rather lightly poured on so that you can try the pork without any sauce as well.  It's awesome!

Pho has been the only cuisine I have really discovered that I haven't tried yet, but we do plan on having different cuisines that are new to me, including Thai, Indian, and Japanese hibachi, and a few others that I can't really think of right now.

So, I am starting a new culinary exploration, but I am also going to try and stick to the diet plan, so if we go out, it will only be once a week.  We will try new foods, old foods and foods we enjoy.  I want to find healthy meals at new places, but also try some of the full fat stuff as well, so this is what I plan.  I am planning on documenting our culinary journeys in this blog, as well as keeping it full of my thoughts on weight loss and life and everything.  When we go out (and it should be limited to maybe once a week instead of once a day), I will take a picture of both of our meals and write a review of how they taste. (AM is ok with me stealing a few bites from his plate for a good cause) and write a blog of the best food places in California.  We plan on going to San Francisco about once a month (definitely for my birthday this year, if anybody wants to hang out), and out to dinner once a week and to Noah's and Starbucks every Sunday morning where we hang out and have bagels, coffee and spend an hour or so writing (until my laptop battery dies).  Altogether, I am having a pretty good existence.  Now.. I need to have a good existence with some healthy food thrown in as well.

I will definitely update this blog at least once a week, if not more often.  For now, know that I am happy, I am safe, I am well nagged, and I am loved.  Life couldn't be better than this. Well, it could if I was about 150 pound lighter and without an ear infection, but those will all pass away into memory and I will be happy, sexy and so blissful they will see me glowing from the Empire State building.

Love and hugs and happy nibbles to all!

Tory