So, I went to a conference this weekend. It was pretty awesome. I learned a lot of educating stuff, and I got to hang out with and strengthen my relationship with some of the teachers around my district. I would like to see my district, a quite large one, learn to use the information that we were given at the conference. I would like to see deeper collaboration, time spent on learning, getting to know each other and having a good time doing it. I think that is what a lot of my district has a problem with. There are so many bitter teachers that sit around and complain about how awful the district is and how we have no choice in the matter without actually wanting to do anything. They need to change that attitude... and I guess, so do I.
Mostly I need to change my attitude about weight loss and getting healthier. I admit, my attitude isn't the greatest. I could be a lot better. I complain that I hurt; I complain that I'm tired; I complain that I'm just not in the mood. But when it comes down to it, I think there is a little bit of fear there as well. While I'm not entirely comfortable in my body.. ok.. I'm not comfortable at all in my body, I have found that I'm sort of scared of the expectations of other people. I think I had a blog post about this about a month or two ago. I haven't really been blogging and I'm tired of saying "oh, I'll get back to it" and then not, so I'm just going to do it. I was losing weight and being healthier when I blogged, and so I just need to do it.
I am finding that I blog more about what I think people should hear, or do things that people think that people expect me to do or say. I have great ideas, but I'm awful at enforcing them on myself, I guess.
So anyway, to today's topic. (I did mention I ramble, didn't I?)
At my conference this weekend, they gave out these Google Badges, one for each level of learning. If you went to certain sessions, you got the badges and you had a certain amount of.. well.. teacher cred. I got all three badges from the conference, and I was able to brag to one of the administrators who had joined us. And then AM and I were discussing weight loss and Weight Watchers and points and such. We use an app called Fooducate sometimes to tell us how healthy certain foods are. These foods come with a certain point system. Point systems just work sometimes, you know. And badges. Which is why Weight Watchers sort of worked for me. It was a definitive, easy to count amount of points, and you could earn little trinkets and badges and such. You got weight loss cred.
Unfortunately, I have lost all of my cred. Excepting the 4 pounds I seem to keep losing and gaining back (and 4 pounds really isn't that much to me) I am at the heaviest weight I can remember being ever. I need to get my cred back. Maybe the way I can do that is with stickers, or badges that I create. I could have a smallish one that is for each pound that I have lost. A bigger one for when I lose 5% of my body weight, a bigger one and a non-food item that I want when I've lost 10%... and keep going from there. I would often lose 10% of my body weight with Weight Watchers, but because that was the last bit that you could lose before they expected you to get your "lifetime" goal of whatever the BMI recommendations are (which for me are between 110 and 130), I would quit because I didn't have that reward system anymore. I would have to lose half of myself and then half of that again almost to get down to that place, and that is intimidating. Lost 30 pounds! Yay.. 10% of my weight, but then.. what after that. It is nearly 200 pounds without any sort of reward, just a massive slog and a lot of plateaus.
No, I won't go back on Weight Watchers, but I do need to start giving myself, or making myself badges. If I could figure out how, I would post them to my blog, somewhere visible. A whole stream of little stickery badges down the side, 230 of them for each pound I will lose. Give me some Cred.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Episode 77: 60 days
60 days ago, AM challenged me to a walking challenge. Today, I have completed the challenge. Because I messed up my knee (something about bursitis), my doctor recommended that I walk for 20 minutes a day, as just light exercise to get the knee going and work out some of the muscles. AM said that if we created a routine, a daily regime of walking, I could buy myself one small fitness item that will help me continue to get healthier. That item is a FitBit.
I have been trying to track my steps, exercise and diet on my phone, but I am beginning to find that it drains my battery pretty quickly and it's not really all that constant. I have to have the phone with me, it can't be on the charger, if I want to track the steps that I take. While they have apps for it, there are no really good apps to track your sleep patterns and sleep quality. The Fitbit promises to do all that. It's a gadgety thing that goes in a wristband that you keep on you at all times and tracks everything you do and then syncs wirelessly to your phone or computer or whatever to help you track. And I get this neat little gadget probably tomorrow (if I can find money in my budget for it) because I kept a goal and I stuck to it for 60 days.
They say that it takes 27 times of doing something in the same way to create a habit. 60 seems excessive, but it works for me. I feel wrong if I don't do my walking every night now. In the last 60 days, I have walked. Sometimes I walked during the morning, sometimes I walked in the evenings. Sometimes, after coming home from gaming or a movie or just hanging out with our friends, we have walked past midnight. The track that we take is simply around our apartment complex, two laps, which equals roughly between 2/5 and 1/2 a mile. I didn't always walk in the apartment complex. Sometimes on rainy days I would walk the same approximate distance twice around the grocery store from the produce section to the bakery section and back. Most of my random zombie walks down to the market and back counted for my walk for the day. Some days I exceeded my half mile by a lot, and sometimes I barely made it, either because of injury or illness (when you can't breathe for coughing, it may not be the best time to walk). But I made it.
I finished my challenge tonight with one last walk past the mostly brightly lit windows around the apartment complex. Inside, families and friends were going about their business, most of them watching television, or gathered in some other fashion. Some were using computers, and some were cooking a late meal. Over the last 60 days, I have gotten to know some of these people. The gentleman in the balcony on the opposite building always smiles and tells us to have a nice evening. A young mother yesterday told us that she felt it was a strange day when she didn't get a chance to say hello to us. Though we don't know names, only faces and location, our walks have helped us get to know our neighbors and our neighborhood better.
My next challenge is not to end the walks, but to continue them and add some more to them. Another lap perhaps, or some weight training that my doctor recommends for weight loss. Perhaps I will do both, but I know that I can create and maintain a habit for 60 days, and I plan on making more plans to become even healthier.
What do you plan to do with the next 60 days?
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
I have been trying to track my steps, exercise and diet on my phone, but I am beginning to find that it drains my battery pretty quickly and it's not really all that constant. I have to have the phone with me, it can't be on the charger, if I want to track the steps that I take. While they have apps for it, there are no really good apps to track your sleep patterns and sleep quality. The Fitbit promises to do all that. It's a gadgety thing that goes in a wristband that you keep on you at all times and tracks everything you do and then syncs wirelessly to your phone or computer or whatever to help you track. And I get this neat little gadget probably tomorrow (if I can find money in my budget for it) because I kept a goal and I stuck to it for 60 days.
They say that it takes 27 times of doing something in the same way to create a habit. 60 seems excessive, but it works for me. I feel wrong if I don't do my walking every night now. In the last 60 days, I have walked. Sometimes I walked during the morning, sometimes I walked in the evenings. Sometimes, after coming home from gaming or a movie or just hanging out with our friends, we have walked past midnight. The track that we take is simply around our apartment complex, two laps, which equals roughly between 2/5 and 1/2 a mile. I didn't always walk in the apartment complex. Sometimes on rainy days I would walk the same approximate distance twice around the grocery store from the produce section to the bakery section and back. Most of my random zombie walks down to the market and back counted for my walk for the day. Some days I exceeded my half mile by a lot, and sometimes I barely made it, either because of injury or illness (when you can't breathe for coughing, it may not be the best time to walk). But I made it.
I finished my challenge tonight with one last walk past the mostly brightly lit windows around the apartment complex. Inside, families and friends were going about their business, most of them watching television, or gathered in some other fashion. Some were using computers, and some were cooking a late meal. Over the last 60 days, I have gotten to know some of these people. The gentleman in the balcony on the opposite building always smiles and tells us to have a nice evening. A young mother yesterday told us that she felt it was a strange day when she didn't get a chance to say hello to us. Though we don't know names, only faces and location, our walks have helped us get to know our neighbors and our neighborhood better.
My next challenge is not to end the walks, but to continue them and add some more to them. Another lap perhaps, or some weight training that my doctor recommends for weight loss. Perhaps I will do both, but I know that I can create and maintain a habit for 60 days, and I plan on making more plans to become even healthier.
What do you plan to do with the next 60 days?
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Episode 71: Challenge accepted
I post this picture for a few reasons. One, to motivate me to get my ass moving, and off the couch. I look awful and I look fat and I have bingo curtains. I mean really!! BINGO CURTAINS!! I cannot believe I let myself get this big. I post this picture because I am ashamed of the way that I look. I am ashamed of who and what I have become over the years through unhealthy eating, lack of movement and a great deal of depression that I haven't been willing or able to accept over the years.
Another reason I post this picture is because it is real. I am not hiding behind a gorgeous, thin avatar. I am not trying to be someone I am not and I am not trying to fool myself any longer. In my head, I am a much much thinner person, but I have to honest with myself about who I am and what I look like if I want to start to lose the weight. I can't fool myself and eat another doughnut or have another soda thinking "oh, I can work this off later." It's not going to happen. I have to put down the carbs and be realistic about how I got here in the first place and how I am going to get myself out of it. I packed on this weight, this fat, this body and it took me years to do it. It is going to take me a long time to get it off, but putting it on took a lot of work too.
The last reason I post this picture now is that it will be different in a month's time. When I weigh in again in 31 days, at the end of the challenge, my friend, TechnoDude (henceforth referred to as TD) will take another picture of me and I will post that one too and I will be able to see the awesomeness shining through under a much thinner layer of fat. I don't expect it all to go away in a month, but a month is a good start for starting new habits.
Look out world, here I come!
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Episode 66: Putting Color Into Life
Today we went to the Farmer's Market behind the Weberstown Mall. We got up, even before breakfast, put on clothes, braved the cold, crisp morning (at 8:45) and went out to see what sort of fresh produce they had for us today. What you see in the picture is what we bought.
Fresh veggies, raspberry jams and some pomegranates. They are all glorious (and barely fit in our tiny tiny apartment fridge). The plan is to make some really awesome veggie soup, since we're on a type of Weight Watchers.
In fact, I'm sort of cheating. I have no money and very little resources to rejoin Weight Watchers at this time, but I have all of my old book and all of my old program stuff, so we're using these as resources, with some help from some web sources, to create our own version of Weight Watchers. I haven't given up on the whole milk or the whole fat yogurt, as they seem to be better for my digestion than the low fat stuff (I don't get nearly as may ucky tummies), but we are adding many more veggies and things to our diet. I feel healthier. According to my Wii, I have lost about 5 pounds in the last two weeks.
Just looking at that picture makes me happy! The colors, the vibrancy, and I've noticed that since we have been eating better, cleaning our apartment more often and working out a bit more, my whole life seems to be coated in this new vibrant color. A year or more ago, I was feeling kind of in the doldrums. I lived in a beautiful place, I had everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't satisfying. I was unhappy. I was overweight. I was lazy and in pain and everything seemed like crap. I was taking medication for bipolar disorder and it wasn't helping much. And the food I was eating was awful! Looking back at my Weight Watcher's books from a year ago, I was eating fast food daily. One day was Wendys. One day was Subway. One day was Taco Bell. Fried foods, foods full of fat, foods full of fillers. These were the things that I was putting into my body, and my body fought back with depression, acne and weight gain.
Now I eat what you see on the table. Fresh fruits, fresh veggies. I make my own breads sometimes.
I take a vitamin daily, and I cook my own food. I have even, on occasion, made my own butter (which is absolutely delicious!) I know exactly what goes in my food. If I write down a recipe, or a list of ingredients, I can pronounce every single one of them. I still eat meat, though we do have our Wegitarian Wednesdays, and Pizza Fridays (our one little concession to the "how do you pronounce that?" foods). We will eat out, but we go places where we can eat healthfully. We found this great little sushi place (at Sherwood Mall, no less) that makes great rolls and you can watch them make them, so we know exactly what goes into them. All of these things have greatly improved the quality of my life.
I plan on keeping up with this blog some more. I want to write and keep track. I want to post about how I organize my life, how I make it can make it better, and how I have learned to enjoy a life lived in less space and fewer calories but much more enriched. I'll post some of my recipes that we have found particularly yummy, some ideas for keeping life organized, and my adventures of jumping off the high dive of life and just, well... Weighting in the Deep End!
Keeping happy and healthy!
ToryLynn
Just looking at that picture makes me happy! The colors, the vibrancy, and I've noticed that since we have been eating better, cleaning our apartment more often and working out a bit more, my whole life seems to be coated in this new vibrant color. A year or more ago, I was feeling kind of in the doldrums. I lived in a beautiful place, I had everything I ever wanted, but it wasn't satisfying. I was unhappy. I was overweight. I was lazy and in pain and everything seemed like crap. I was taking medication for bipolar disorder and it wasn't helping much. And the food I was eating was awful! Looking back at my Weight Watcher's books from a year ago, I was eating fast food daily. One day was Wendys. One day was Subway. One day was Taco Bell. Fried foods, foods full of fat, foods full of fillers. These were the things that I was putting into my body, and my body fought back with depression, acne and weight gain.
Now I eat what you see on the table. Fresh fruits, fresh veggies. I make my own breads sometimes.
I plan on keeping up with this blog some more. I want to write and keep track. I want to post about how I organize my life, how I make it can make it better, and how I have learned to enjoy a life lived in less space and fewer calories but much more enriched. I'll post some of my recipes that we have found particularly yummy, some ideas for keeping life organized, and my adventures of jumping off the high dive of life and just, well... Weighting in the Deep End!
Keeping happy and healthy!
ToryLynn
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Episode 64: Satisficer or Maximizer?
AM and I were recently discussing the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer. Let me step into teacher mode, for a few seconds, a give you a few definitions:
Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.
Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.
I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it. I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.
I'm also a sucker for good advertising. Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item. I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost". I love to buy things.
Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware. Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides. Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off. (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless. I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).
Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands. We coveted that shiny metal cookware. We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.
And then we went to the State Fair. And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware. Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware. It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying. He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables. We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices. We had to have this cookware!
So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it. Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed. I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.
It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new. I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair. I succeeded in burning the pan. A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...
Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food. Chicken without any seasonings is amazing! Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic. I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.
Now, I want to learn to really cook! I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water. AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado. It all looks really great!
In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase. So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too. This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life. With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right, I have no doubts that I will test that claim.
Here's to our health!
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!
Sat-is-fice-r (n). One who, in the search for a product or a service, will look for specific criteria and purchase said products or service once a specific criteria has been met. Shirley, a satisficer, found a camera that she liked that had most of the features she wanted, so she bought it.
Max-im-ize-r (n.) One who, in search for a product or service, may find a product that will meet a specific criteria but continue to look until they find the "best" product for them. Jean, a maximizer, refuses to buy a new suit until he looks in every shop and reads the fashion magazines to look for the best cut color for his body shape.
I think that, in the grand scheme of things, I tend to be a satisficer. I see something that I want, something that maybe I have been thinking about buying for a long while, and if looks decent enough, I will buy it. I don't have to visit the consumer magazines, I don't have to look at the websites. I know that that article of whatever is exactly want to buy.
I'm also a sucker for good advertising. Show me a good trick or gimmick, something that may make me go "ooohhh" or think that that product is good for me in the long run, and I am more likely to buy that item. I love a good sales pitch, especially when it ends with "and for a limited time, we'll knock of x amount of money from the original cost". I love to buy things.
Now, AM and I had been considering replacing my old and ratty cookware. Old Teflon stuff from IKEA that I had bought ages ago. One pan had gotten so bad that it had a hill in the middle. If you wanted to fry something, you had to get used to using the sides of the pan because the grease or oil or whatever you were cooking in would just run down to the sides. Most of the pans had deep scratches on them and some of the Teflon was scratching off. (Some say that Teflon is bad for you, as it will flake off and has harmful chemicals, some say that it is harmless. I am erring on the side of safety and not going with Non-stick).
Now, we did do some research. We haunted the housewares departments of Sears and Dillards and J.C. Penney's, looking at the Calphalon, the All-Clad, even Paula Deen's and Emeril's sponsored brands. We coveted that shiny metal cookware. We went home; we looked at websites; we even checked out a few consumer reports.
And then we went to the State Fair. And there, for more money that we could probably afford, was our cookware. Now, like a new bride who is just getting to know her mate, I am incredibly protective of my new cookware. It was a lot of money, but was it worth it. The demonstration chef promised a world with no more cooking with oils, no more butters, no more frying. He cooked us up crisp delicious vegetables. We "oohed and ahhed" at the taste of the succulent chicken cooked without even water, deliciously seared in its own juices. We had to have this cookware!
So, with the idea of "well, we're investing in our health and in our future" we ordered it. Of course, we looked up reviews online as soon as we got home and read that it wasn't the greatest stuff, but at this point, I was committed. I was waiting for my stainless steel, seven layer bridegroom of cookware to come to my doorstep and sweep me off of my feet and into better health.
It arrived 10 days later, all shiny and new. I immediately went to the fridge, grabbed a few ears of corn and tried to recreate one of the dishes I had seen our masterchef/salesman create at the Fair. I succeeded in burning the pan. A good deal of elbow grease and some stainless steel cleaner, AM got the burn marks out. It was then that I decided to read the directions...
Now that we've had it for a few weeks, I am learning to cook again. I am learning to cook with less water, less oils. I am learning the true flavors of food. Chicken without any seasonings is amazing! Tonight I made pork roast (which I cut into slices) roasted on the stovetop with onions and garlic. I used the drippings to make a delicious gravy without any butter that would have been worthy of biscuits and gravy, had we had any biscuits.
Now, I want to learn to really cook! I want to take cooking classes, and learn how to make foods that make the mouth water. AM bought a few "low sugar" cookbooks, to help us on our way and I've marked the recipes for salmon, steak diane with cremini mushrooms, fluffy omelets with avocado. It all looks really great!
In the end, my satisficer instinct wasn't much off with this purchase. So far, even though I bought it on a whim, I seem to have had a bit of the maximizer instict with me too. This cookware is supposed to last me the rest of my life. With the quality of it, and learning how to cook right, I have no doubts that I will test that claim.
Here's to our health!
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
P.S. If you don't burn the heck out of it, it cleans up incredibly easily too!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Episode 56: Rebirth
Hi!
I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose. Well, mostly bliss anyway. Things are good... for the most part.
Except my weight.
I seem to have reached some sort of plateau. I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.
This needs to stop.
So, Easter is coming up. I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion. That being said, Easter is an interesting time. It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals. But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking.
Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year. Their God is reborn after three days. I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.
I need to get back on track. I need to be counting points, spending time exercising. Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking. We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company. We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza. (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures). We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful! And we walked so much!!
And when we got home... we felt it! I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often. Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system. So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.
Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points. Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you. Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places). Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing. Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list.
But they need to be. I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either. If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure. My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on. If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet. It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.
The last part of my rebirth is my blog. I need to start blogging again. I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it. I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately. I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it. This is (mostly) for me.
I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating. I am a responsible adult. I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.
Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
I know, I haven't been around much lately. When you're living a life of this much bliss, you can't be bothered to do much blogging, I suppose. Well, mostly bliss anyway. Things are good... for the most part.
Except my weight.
I seem to have reached some sort of plateau. I'm not really losing weight, but I'm not gaining too much weight either. I rubber band around mffmmm and mffmm, gaining or losing about 2 or 3 pounds every time I weigh in.
This needs to stop.
So, Easter is coming up. I don't celebrate it, as I have a tiny little hitch in my whole stance of belief and religion. That being said, Easter is an interesting time. It is a time when the Christian world celebrates the rebirth of their god with stolen pagan rituals. But it's that word, that term rebirth that gets me thinking.
Once a year, most of the world (about a third, really.. 2.2 billion, according to Wikipedia) reflect on rebirth once a year. Their God is reborn after three days. I think I'll take a cue from them, and consider my own bit of rebirth.
I need to get back on track. I need to be counting points, spending time exercising. Recently, AM and I went to Japantown in San Francisco and did about 5 hours (conservative estimate) of walking. We actually stayed for 6 and a half hours, but I'm giving us an hour an a half for the times we sat down to eat, write, talk, enjoy each other's company. We had a really great time just hanging out and engulfing ourselves in the two malls that surround the Japanese Peace Plaza. (If you're my friend on Facebook, I will post some pictures). We hung out at MaiDo, we strolled around, we had lunch at Mifuna (I could be wrong on the name), and altogether it was wonderful! And we walked so much!!
And when we got home... we felt it! I don't exercise much, and my body screamed in the only way that it could that I need to do walking more often. Maybe not 5 hours in one day, but a half an hour - maybe an hour a day - may not be the worst thing for my system. So, part of my rebirth will be walking, even if it is just walking daily down to the market to pick up a little bit of groceries for dinner.
Since... well, let's say since January... I haven't been big on meal planning and counting points. Those things get in the way when you have a Nubi (good frozen yogurt) just down the street from you. Those things get in the way when you are suddenly rediscovering that the city that you live in has wonderful cuisines that you have never tried before (like the Greek cuisine I had never noticed in Stockton before.. and the Vietnamese.. and the tiny Italian places). Those things get in the way when you start focusing on work and grading and really teaching lessons that make your students thing. Counting points and calories hasn't been much on my priority list.
But they need to be. I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die early either. If I stay at my current weight and my current eating pattern (high sodium, fat and sugar content) I will develop some serious illnesses. I am already on the path to diabetes and I already have to take a slough of medications for high blood pressure. My asthma has begun to kick up again and my back has thrown in its screaming pain along with all of the else that is going on. If I want to be healthier and happier, I have to stick to a diet rich in foods that are healthy for me. (I hate the word diet. It implies something temporary to me in a way that is like "With this 8 week diet, you'll lose 50 pounds!" which never really works out because these diet plans are ridiculous starvation acts that deprive your body of healthy nutrients and carbohydrates that your brain and other organs need to function! Diet for me means "the way I eat every day.") Counting points and making sure that I check off all of the items on that healthy eating list are important for me. AM and I have littered our apartment with whiteboards and reminder notebooks. It is time I used them.
The last part of my rebirth is my blog. I need to start blogging again. I meant it to be a record of my journey, perhaps a way for me to express myself that will give other people hope, ideas and the occasional recipe or healthy hint that they can take away from it. I honestly don't really expect very many people to read it, but I enjoy writing it and sharing my life with my family and friends, who I have been spending a lot more time with lately. I need to get back onto a nearly daily updating routine. Maybe a "just before bedtime" bit of writing, just to check in. Maybe a quick 15 minute "this is my motivation for today' writing in the mornings. All I know is that I need to get back to it. This is (mostly) for me.
I have been lax, and inherent in that laziness has been the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and good eating. I am a responsible adult. I have the tools I need to succeed. Now I need to use them.
Hoping that you find your own rebirth this weekend,
Love and Lollipops,
ToryLynn
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Episode 47: Taking Care of Myself
I talk about change a lot here, but that is because I feel like I'm changing.. and I am.
I used to be a slob. Ok.. well.. I'm a little bit of a slob still, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I can actually see the carpet in my apartment, I can actually move around without tripping over something. But, I have also noticed that my slovenly ways are receding from my personal self too.
Showers and long hot baths are something that I have always enjoyed immensely. I used to just jump out, grab my clothes (whatever I was wearing that day) and get dressed quickly and be out the door. My morning routine is beginning to take a bit of a longer time, and I think it is because I'm beginning to respect myself more. Now, when I get out of the shower, I put lotion on, to keep my skin soft. I like the feel of it on newly shaved legs, and the way that the cloth of my pants sort of slides over this newly treated skin. It feels good on my arms and the rest of my body as well, but I notice it most on newly shaved legs. I LOVE Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber. It is my favorite scent (even though today I found an old container of Chocolate Body Butter, so I smell like a chocolate bar yay!) and I have the body wash and the lotion and the triple hydrating body cream as well. So, that makes me smell good.
I used to just throw my hair up in a bun, wet or not, and let it dry that way. It made for some interesting curls.. or very damp hair, when I finally took out the bun at the end of the day. Now, after putting on my lotion, I take the towel off of my hair and actually use the blow dryer. It makes my hair soft and shiny and while it doesn't add any curl (my hair is really really naturally straight) it does give it a lot of shine and a lot less of that horrible fuzziness.
I tend towards comfortable clothes.. jeans and t-shirts, rather than stylish or overly professional, but even with this, as I put on my clothes, I am finding that I choose them much more carefully. I look over what I plan to wear, I pick it out and feel good about my choices. It may not be perfect or what is the most latest or modern thing, but I feel good getting dressed in the morning. I can't wait to weigh a LOT less so that when I do put on clothes, they fit really well, and look stylish. Even in Second Life, where my body is perfect, I tend towards jeans and sweaters. It's just my style (unless I'm being cute, and then it's mini-skirts and thigh high stockings and sweaters... and maybe I'll wear more of that if I get myself down to a good 130 pounds or so. LOL)
Anyway, the gist is that...I feel better about myself. I am respecting myself more and I feel that I am worth taking care of. The wrinkles that are coming in on my face from age are all laugh lines, my body is beginning to be in the best shape I've been in for at least five years, and I feel that with time and effort, I can do just about anything.
On a side note, just a little one, this new self respect.. is making me not want to take shit from my students anymore so I'm really getting annoyed at disrespectful behavior. Looks like I have some behavior modifications to do in my classroom as well.
Off for a glorious day watching movies with my students! (Premonition is a great follow up to irony and ambiguity!)
Have a glorious day!
ToryLynn
I used to be a slob. Ok.. well.. I'm a little bit of a slob still, but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I can actually see the carpet in my apartment, I can actually move around without tripping over something. But, I have also noticed that my slovenly ways are receding from my personal self too.
Showers and long hot baths are something that I have always enjoyed immensely. I used to just jump out, grab my clothes (whatever I was wearing that day) and get dressed quickly and be out the door. My morning routine is beginning to take a bit of a longer time, and I think it is because I'm beginning to respect myself more. Now, when I get out of the shower, I put lotion on, to keep my skin soft. I like the feel of it on newly shaved legs, and the way that the cloth of my pants sort of slides over this newly treated skin. It feels good on my arms and the rest of my body as well, but I notice it most on newly shaved legs. I LOVE Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber. It is my favorite scent (even though today I found an old container of Chocolate Body Butter, so I smell like a chocolate bar yay!) and I have the body wash and the lotion and the triple hydrating body cream as well. So, that makes me smell good.
I used to just throw my hair up in a bun, wet or not, and let it dry that way. It made for some interesting curls.. or very damp hair, when I finally took out the bun at the end of the day. Now, after putting on my lotion, I take the towel off of my hair and actually use the blow dryer. It makes my hair soft and shiny and while it doesn't add any curl (my hair is really really naturally straight) it does give it a lot of shine and a lot less of that horrible fuzziness.
I tend towards comfortable clothes.. jeans and t-shirts, rather than stylish or overly professional, but even with this, as I put on my clothes, I am finding that I choose them much more carefully. I look over what I plan to wear, I pick it out and feel good about my choices. It may not be perfect or what is the most latest or modern thing, but I feel good getting dressed in the morning. I can't wait to weigh a LOT less so that when I do put on clothes, they fit really well, and look stylish. Even in Second Life, where my body is perfect, I tend towards jeans and sweaters. It's just my style (unless I'm being cute, and then it's mini-skirts and thigh high stockings and sweaters... and maybe I'll wear more of that if I get myself down to a good 130 pounds or so. LOL)
Anyway, the gist is that...I feel better about myself. I am respecting myself more and I feel that I am worth taking care of. The wrinkles that are coming in on my face from age are all laugh lines, my body is beginning to be in the best shape I've been in for at least five years, and I feel that with time and effort, I can do just about anything.
On a side note, just a little one, this new self respect.. is making me not want to take shit from my students anymore so I'm really getting annoyed at disrespectful behavior. Looks like I have some behavior modifications to do in my classroom as well.
Off for a glorious day watching movies with my students! (Premonition is a great follow up to irony and ambiguity!)
Have a glorious day!
ToryLynn
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Episode 46: What is Healthy?
Can't post long. I have to take a shower and get to work.
So, I lost my five percent. My next goal is to get to 10%, which doesn't seem all that far off. But after that, what is my weight goal? According to Weight Watchers, in order to reach life time membership, I should weight between 106 and 132. I don't think I've weighed 132 since I was in grade school. That doesn't mean I wasn't healthy though. Around 150, I think was when I was "fit" and "healthy". I may have had a few pounds, but I felt like I wasn't doing too bad for myself. I've always had broad shoulders and wide hips (makes for a nice hourglass shape), but I can say that at 150, I was healthy. Getting down to 132, which would be more than losing half of who I am now, would be.. well.. amazing, but weird for me.
Through right now, I'm not feeling too healthy. I have, I think, developed a cold, and a splitting migraine. My eyes have gone all wonky and if it wasn't the week before finals, I probably wouldn't be going to school. I wish I could throw on a movie and just let them learn something that way, but it wouldn't be fair to them. The students do need to learn something.
So, I am off for a long hot shower and a day of teaching poetry! Fortunately, poetry is one of my favorite things (as well as raindrops on roses and warn woolen mittens).
I hope you have a glorious Tuesday. I want to go back to bed...
ToryLynn
So, I lost my five percent. My next goal is to get to 10%, which doesn't seem all that far off. But after that, what is my weight goal? According to Weight Watchers, in order to reach life time membership, I should weight between 106 and 132. I don't think I've weighed 132 since I was in grade school. That doesn't mean I wasn't healthy though. Around 150, I think was when I was "fit" and "healthy". I may have had a few pounds, but I felt like I wasn't doing too bad for myself. I've always had broad shoulders and wide hips (makes for a nice hourglass shape), but I can say that at 150, I was healthy. Getting down to 132, which would be more than losing half of who I am now, would be.. well.. amazing, but weird for me.
Through right now, I'm not feeling too healthy. I have, I think, developed a cold, and a splitting migraine. My eyes have gone all wonky and if it wasn't the week before finals, I probably wouldn't be going to school. I wish I could throw on a movie and just let them learn something that way, but it wouldn't be fair to them. The students do need to learn something.
So, I am off for a long hot shower and a day of teaching poetry! Fortunately, poetry is one of my favorite things (as well as raindrops on roses and warn woolen mittens).
I hope you have a glorious Tuesday. I want to go back to bed...
ToryLynn
Friday, October 28, 2011
Episode 34: Sleep.. or lack thereof
I have been getting an average of probably 5-4 hours of sleep a night lately. Down from my usual 7-8. I am beginning to feel it. I have been reading a few studies lately about how sleep loss can affect weight loss.
One article says that sleeping less affects weight loss because you are more likely to drink caffeine to keep yourself awake and hit up the donuts or chocolate for a quick sugar rush. Another article says that when you sleep you produce hormones that hormones that control appetite and metabolism that are required for healthy weight loss. It wasn't a matter of what foods you ate, or how you ate them, according to this study, because in their fieldwork, they discovered that if you sleep less, you actually eat less too, but you still gain weight.
Getting a bit of shut eye is a bit difficult for me lately. I want to stay up and talk or watch videos. My eyes get droopy and my body relaxes, but my mind, for the most part will stay active and alert enough to hold a conversation, or comprehend a video. I push the barriers of mental alertness until that too finally crashes and I may even drift off mid-sentence. Even as I close my eyes, I fall quickly into very strange dreamettes. Snippets of dreams, and as my mind tries to struggle to stay alert, I will blend both dream world and real world for some.. very strange conversations.
I will try to catch up to sleep this weekend, but with lesson planning and some reading I want to do, not to mention the myriad events on SL and other (wonderful) distractions, I'm not sure how much rest I will actually get.
Is it worth it to stay up so late? Emotionally, mentally I can say definitively yes. Physically though my body is going to revolt soon. I just hope it's not during class.
Love and lollipops to all. I hope you have a wonderful everything!
ToryLynn
One article says that sleeping less affects weight loss because you are more likely to drink caffeine to keep yourself awake and hit up the donuts or chocolate for a quick sugar rush. Another article says that when you sleep you produce hormones that hormones that control appetite and metabolism that are required for healthy weight loss. It wasn't a matter of what foods you ate, or how you ate them, according to this study, because in their fieldwork, they discovered that if you sleep less, you actually eat less too, but you still gain weight.
Getting a bit of shut eye is a bit difficult for me lately. I want to stay up and talk or watch videos. My eyes get droopy and my body relaxes, but my mind, for the most part will stay active and alert enough to hold a conversation, or comprehend a video. I push the barriers of mental alertness until that too finally crashes and I may even drift off mid-sentence. Even as I close my eyes, I fall quickly into very strange dreamettes. Snippets of dreams, and as my mind tries to struggle to stay alert, I will blend both dream world and real world for some.. very strange conversations.
I will try to catch up to sleep this weekend, but with lesson planning and some reading I want to do, not to mention the myriad events on SL and other (wonderful) distractions, I'm not sure how much rest I will actually get.
Is it worth it to stay up so late? Emotionally, mentally I can say definitively yes. Physically though my body is going to revolt soon. I just hope it's not during class.
Love and lollipops to all. I hope you have a wonderful everything!
ToryLynn
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Episode 24: Shopping spree!
So... weighed in and lost 3.6 pounds this week! Woot! I was super stoked and went clothes shopping to get a new pair of black jeans and discovered that I went down an entire pants size! Woot again! Not only that but they aren't super tight. They fit me perfectly. I also got a really nice brown cardigan that was 30% off.
AH and I are spending the day at mini golf and the corn maze (it is amaizing says AM) and testing out my new pedometer. So yay exercise, and if I am a really good girl, maybe he will take me to Ghirardelli for some ice cream, but he says he doesn't want to be responsible for me gaining the weight back.
So.. even more people tell me they are reading my blog, and one of LS's (Little Sister, for those who care) friends said that it is inspiring her to get in shape. So yay! My role as muse is being extended to weight loss fairy as well as inspiration for writers and musicians too.
Anyway, I am blogging as AH drives and he is giving me that look that says I have been on my phone for too long.
EDIT: I didn't lose 36 pounds... I forgot the decimal in the original. I would have to lop off a limb to lose that the much! Thanks mom for pointing that the out.
Love and lollipops,
ToryLynn
AH and I are spending the day at mini golf and the corn maze (it is amaizing says AM) and testing out my new pedometer. So yay exercise, and if I am a really good girl, maybe he will take me to Ghirardelli for some ice cream, but he says he doesn't want to be responsible for me gaining the weight back.
So.. even more people tell me they are reading my blog, and one of LS's (Little Sister, for those who care) friends said that it is inspiring her to get in shape. So yay! My role as muse is being extended to weight loss fairy as well as inspiration for writers and musicians too.
Anyway, I am blogging as AH drives and he is giving me that look that says I have been on my phone for too long.
EDIT: I didn't lose 36 pounds... I forgot the decimal in the original. I would have to lop off a limb to lose that the much! Thanks mom for pointing that the out.
Love and lollipops,
ToryLynn
posted from Bloggeroid
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Episode 19: Struggling to eat
Ugh. It is a strange state of affairs when I actually have to like... find something to eat later at night because I have 17 points left that I'm supposed to be eating for the day. The logical part of me - which, for those of you who know me, is actually pretty small - says that I should actually make out a food plan well in advance, so that I know what I'm eating and I can make sure that I get all of my points in. I know that I should cook more often. I know that I have a lot of things that I could be doing, but I'm not actually doing them.
I think this afternoon I am going to go grocery shopping. Today is a prep day and I have lunch with some really awesome history teachers who work at my school, and I think I'll take my Weight Watcher's stuff with me, do all of my grading and get that all caught up, make sure that I am doing well as a teacher, and then start planning out my meals for the week, just to make sure I get all of my points in. I'll take my weight watcher's cookbook and the cookbooks that Awesome Musician (AM) gave me, and really focus on finding healthy recipes that I can make that will help me lose weight.
I have started to lose patience with this process and I'm sort of disheartened by this week's weight gain. I know that it wasn't much, and that I could probably rack it up to water weight or something feministic and girly, but I really hadn't been trying very hard last week. In all honesty, I haven't really started to try very hard this week either. I am distracted and not obsessing over it, which is what I should be doing. My most important goal in starting to work out my life and get myself really and truly sorted out should be the weight loss. I shouldn't worry about much of anything else, because as long as I am healthy, the rest will sort itself out... right?
The shower is calling me, and maybe as I let the past day's dust and dirt wash off of me, I can also let some of the emotional baggage that goes with weight loss run off of me as well.
Just breathe...
Love and hugs!
ToryLynn
I think this afternoon I am going to go grocery shopping. Today is a prep day and I have lunch with some really awesome history teachers who work at my school, and I think I'll take my Weight Watcher's stuff with me, do all of my grading and get that all caught up, make sure that I am doing well as a teacher, and then start planning out my meals for the week, just to make sure I get all of my points in. I'll take my weight watcher's cookbook and the cookbooks that Awesome Musician (AM) gave me, and really focus on finding healthy recipes that I can make that will help me lose weight.
I have started to lose patience with this process and I'm sort of disheartened by this week's weight gain. I know that it wasn't much, and that I could probably rack it up to water weight or something feministic and girly, but I really hadn't been trying very hard last week. In all honesty, I haven't really started to try very hard this week either. I am distracted and not obsessing over it, which is what I should be doing. My most important goal in starting to work out my life and get myself really and truly sorted out should be the weight loss. I shouldn't worry about much of anything else, because as long as I am healthy, the rest will sort itself out... right?
The shower is calling me, and maybe as I let the past day's dust and dirt wash off of me, I can also let some of the emotional baggage that goes with weight loss run off of me as well.
Just breathe...
Love and hugs!
ToryLynn
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Episode 16: Not Eating Enough
Every day I get a certain amount of points that I am supposed to eat. I remember that it was always so hard to stay under these points, when I previously joined Weight Watchers. Now... something odd is happening.
I am not eating enough.
I add in my points at the end of the day, look at the total and wonder how I could have eaten so little! It is a strange feeling indeed. It is not that I am completely forgetting to eat, because I do eat a pretty steady 3 meals a day. It is that my meals seem to be getting smaller.. or perhaps it is my appetite.
For instance, AH and I ordered breakfast yesterday as we were both up at 4am, and got Denny's. Poached eggs, french toast and bacon for me. A breakfast worth 21 points but... I couldn't eat it all. I couldn't hardly eat half. I finished the eggs, because I like poached eggs, but only made it through about half of the bacon and 1/3 of the french toast. I sat looking at the platter, wondering what was wrong that I couldn't finish it. I used to be able to polish that off no problem without much thought, but for some reason my stomach just couldn't stomach it. I left half the platter empty and sat wondering why.
I really haven't been eating much lately. I pick at my food and oftentimes, I just sometimes forget to eat. I don't know if it is that I am distracted, too busy to do much eating. I don't know if it is that I am not finding myself hungry as often as I used to. I don't know that my stomach isn't shrinking to much smaller proprotions. It just seems weird to me.
Another thing is that I'm finding the changes to the plan a bit.. well.. different. All the fruits I can eat means that I can eat a lot of fruit and not have to worry about points. I find that rather than grazing on high calorie snacks like potato chips or chocolate, I am picking a grape out of the fruit basket more often than not and eating that instead of heading into the kitchen to find something horrible for me. I'll peel an orange and leave it open on my desk and nibble on it as absentmindedly as I used to nibble on Chex mix, or something like that. I love fruit and want to keep lots of it around so that I eat it, but I don't have to count it for anything and I suddenly feel full.
I guess we'll find out if my adventures in undereating will get me any weight loss, but I don't think that it will. I think that this week may be a bad one at the scale, but we will see. I need to be healthier and I need to post on this blog more often .
Sorry again for the late post.. it was a late night, but a good one. Thank you for reading...
ToryLynn
I am not eating enough.
I add in my points at the end of the day, look at the total and wonder how I could have eaten so little! It is a strange feeling indeed. It is not that I am completely forgetting to eat, because I do eat a pretty steady 3 meals a day. It is that my meals seem to be getting smaller.. or perhaps it is my appetite.
For instance, AH and I ordered breakfast yesterday as we were both up at 4am, and got Denny's. Poached eggs, french toast and bacon for me. A breakfast worth 21 points but... I couldn't eat it all. I couldn't hardly eat half. I finished the eggs, because I like poached eggs, but only made it through about half of the bacon and 1/3 of the french toast. I sat looking at the platter, wondering what was wrong that I couldn't finish it. I used to be able to polish that off no problem without much thought, but for some reason my stomach just couldn't stomach it. I left half the platter empty and sat wondering why.
I really haven't been eating much lately. I pick at my food and oftentimes, I just sometimes forget to eat. I don't know if it is that I am distracted, too busy to do much eating. I don't know if it is that I am not finding myself hungry as often as I used to. I don't know that my stomach isn't shrinking to much smaller proprotions. It just seems weird to me.
Another thing is that I'm finding the changes to the plan a bit.. well.. different. All the fruits I can eat means that I can eat a lot of fruit and not have to worry about points. I find that rather than grazing on high calorie snacks like potato chips or chocolate, I am picking a grape out of the fruit basket more often than not and eating that instead of heading into the kitchen to find something horrible for me. I'll peel an orange and leave it open on my desk and nibble on it as absentmindedly as I used to nibble on Chex mix, or something like that. I love fruit and want to keep lots of it around so that I eat it, but I don't have to count it for anything and I suddenly feel full.
I guess we'll find out if my adventures in undereating will get me any weight loss, but I don't think that it will. I think that this week may be a bad one at the scale, but we will see. I need to be healthier and I need to post on this blog more often .
Sorry again for the late post.. it was a late night, but a good one. Thank you for reading...
ToryLynn
Monday, October 3, 2011
Episode 14: Wherein I had a Long day! :)
Lost 7 pounds even this week!! Whoo hooo!! That's a total of 10 pounds. Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me and being proud of me. I love you all.
Will post about Ren Faire tomorrow, as I'm exhausted.
ToryLynn
Will post about Ren Faire tomorrow, as I'm exhausted.
ToryLynn
Monday, September 26, 2011
Episode 8: Stress sucks!
Got a call this morning for the cardiologist who has been trying to get in touch with me for the last week to schedule a treadmill stress test. I finally agreed to come in, and the nurse decided to pin me down then and there and tell me to come in that afternoon and that I wasn't allowed to eat anything at all until the test. Suddenly I found myself getting very incredibly hungry, and stayed so until after I was done and finally got something to eat.
Not the healthiest eating today because of it, but I stayed under points, and if I needed to, I could have a banana with my corn chex "dessert" that will help build my fruits and veggies up to where I want them.
So, dressed in my comfy sweats, Nanowrimo T-shirt and tennis shoes, I wandered over to the doctor's office and was greeted by a form explaining that they weren't responsible if I had to have extra tests or if I had a heart attack as I was on the treadmill. I skimmed the letter, signed it and waited for them to hook me up the machine.
The very kind cardiac nurse offered me a hospital gown made of stiff cotton and approximately 8 sizes too big for me. It felt like a tent, which is sort of impressive in its size. She then wrapped a belt around my waist and proceeded to rub an abrasive lotion on my skin so that the test nodules would stick better. She added an octopus looking device - a small black box with numerous wires extending from it- and began to attach the octopus to the indicators around my chest and under my breast. Then a sock of a blood pressure cuff that wrapped around my arm tightly, and I was ready.
They asked me to sit for five minutes to get a "resting" reading. I read McEwan, barely noticing what was on the page. My blood pressure was 146/70.. or something close to that. Heart rate at 76. My target for the day was 157. Not too bad...Then the very nice nurse practitioner came in, asked if I had any questions (I rarely do) and then stuck me on the treadmill.
It started off slow enough, and then rose to an incline. I could feel the muscles in my legs begin to burn, and my left arm begin to tingle again, the numbness spreading to my fingers. The speed increased and the treadmill continued to incline, and I felt my calves continue to burn and the air in my lungs constricting as I struggled. Looking at the heart monitor, my pulse began to rise.. 100... 100.. 115. In continued to huff and puff, breathing in deeply through my nose but feeling the pain with every breath. My chest felt that familiar constricting feeling, but I kept going. 120... 130... 140... My arm constrained against the blood pressure cuff and I watched the reading of that rise as well.. hitting 160/70.. 165/75.. Everything tingled and hurt and burned.
The nurse warned me that the treadmill would increase in speed and inclination and I can only nod, I cannot speak at all. It begins to rise and all I can think is "I don't want to pass out... I don't want to pass out." Breathing has become much more difficult and my lungs feel like someone is squeezing them together. I can barely catch a breath. The NP starts to cheer me on.. "Only 5 more.. only 3 more.. you can do it".
Finally... finally, they let me sit down again and start to measure my recovering heart rate. I watch it slow down on the monitor, the little peaks of the EKG becoming fewer and farther between until my heart rate gets near to 100 again and my breathing starts to normalize. I am still wheezing and fighting a cough, but I made it through. Pink paper cycles through the printer and shows them exactly what my heart was doing.
The nurse explains that I am fine. My heart is strong, but I still need to lose weight (duh!). My 10 year survival rate is calculated at 99%. I think I'll be fine.
Good. I never ever ever want to do that again!
Not the healthiest eating today because of it, but I stayed under points, and if I needed to, I could have a banana with my corn chex "dessert" that will help build my fruits and veggies up to where I want them.
So, dressed in my comfy sweats, Nanowrimo T-shirt and tennis shoes, I wandered over to the doctor's office and was greeted by a form explaining that they weren't responsible if I had to have extra tests or if I had a heart attack as I was on the treadmill. I skimmed the letter, signed it and waited for them to hook me up the machine.
The very kind cardiac nurse offered me a hospital gown made of stiff cotton and approximately 8 sizes too big for me. It felt like a tent, which is sort of impressive in its size. She then wrapped a belt around my waist and proceeded to rub an abrasive lotion on my skin so that the test nodules would stick better. She added an octopus looking device - a small black box with numerous wires extending from it- and began to attach the octopus to the indicators around my chest and under my breast. Then a sock of a blood pressure cuff that wrapped around my arm tightly, and I was ready.
They asked me to sit for five minutes to get a "resting" reading. I read McEwan, barely noticing what was on the page. My blood pressure was 146/70.. or something close to that. Heart rate at 76. My target for the day was 157. Not too bad...Then the very nice nurse practitioner came in, asked if I had any questions (I rarely do) and then stuck me on the treadmill.
It started off slow enough, and then rose to an incline. I could feel the muscles in my legs begin to burn, and my left arm begin to tingle again, the numbness spreading to my fingers. The speed increased and the treadmill continued to incline, and I felt my calves continue to burn and the air in my lungs constricting as I struggled. Looking at the heart monitor, my pulse began to rise.. 100... 100.. 115. In continued to huff and puff, breathing in deeply through my nose but feeling the pain with every breath. My chest felt that familiar constricting feeling, but I kept going. 120... 130... 140... My arm constrained against the blood pressure cuff and I watched the reading of that rise as well.. hitting 160/70.. 165/75.. Everything tingled and hurt and burned.
The nurse warned me that the treadmill would increase in speed and inclination and I can only nod, I cannot speak at all. It begins to rise and all I can think is "I don't want to pass out... I don't want to pass out." Breathing has become much more difficult and my lungs feel like someone is squeezing them together. I can barely catch a breath. The NP starts to cheer me on.. "Only 5 more.. only 3 more.. you can do it".
Finally... finally, they let me sit down again and start to measure my recovering heart rate. I watch it slow down on the monitor, the little peaks of the EKG becoming fewer and farther between until my heart rate gets near to 100 again and my breathing starts to normalize. I am still wheezing and fighting a cough, but I made it through. Pink paper cycles through the printer and shows them exactly what my heart was doing.
The nurse explains that I am fine. My heart is strong, but I still need to lose weight (duh!). My 10 year survival rate is calculated at 99%. I think I'll be fine.
Good. I never ever ever want to do that again!
Episode 7: Sunday Meetings
My first meeting was today. I chose Sunday morning as my meeting time mostly because it is the only morning that I don't have anything else to do. As I drove through the nearly deserted streets this morning, I noticed that there were cars lining the streets of otherwise deserted neighborhoods. These cars grouped around the early morning services of the local Catholic and Presbyterian churches that I happened to pass by as I drove to the shopping center. Once I got to the shopping center, there were cars that were grouped around the small store front just as they had been around the church. I park at the very end of the parking lot and walk in.
The voices inside are hushed, people milling around, standing in line waiting to see the cashiers and be weighed. Again, images of church and a sort of communion occur to me. The scale of weight judgement awaits and we stand there, practically naked in front of our confessor, in this case a nice lady who helps me purchase a food scale and talks about her own weight loss experience.
Once I have been told of my worthiness (I lost 3.4 pounds! Yay!), I wandered to the meeting area, where there was more milling and more conversation. When I had walked in, I stood behind a young lady that looked familiar. Behind me came another one, and they talked through me, barely noticing I was there. I was currently fumbling in my purse and didn't care to look up until I had my necessary paperwork that I needed, and when I looked up, I saw two old friends that I had gone to college with. We all expressed joyful surprise at seeing each other and caught up about jobs and where life had taken us in the last 10 years. We scattered off to weigh in, and one left early for work and I chatted with the other one before the meeting.
The meeting reminded me of many of the church services I had been to. It started with an affirmation, discussed our reason for being there and how we can make ourselves better. She preached about her own experiences with weight loss, made reference to the holy book "Points Plus Getting Started Guide" and passed out manna in the form of weight loss strategies and an anchoring technique. Altogether, I felt very positive about myself as I walked out the doors and towards my car.
Afterward, I went out and bought a car load of healthy food and groceries. Fruits and vegetables now overflow my fridge. I will wake up tomorrow, clean my kitchen and make myself a great Garden Vegetable soup and prepare for another great week of weight loss.
Thanks to all of my support and friends and thanks for reading!
ToryLynn
The voices inside are hushed, people milling around, standing in line waiting to see the cashiers and be weighed. Again, images of church and a sort of communion occur to me. The scale of weight judgement awaits and we stand there, practically naked in front of our confessor, in this case a nice lady who helps me purchase a food scale and talks about her own weight loss experience.
Once I have been told of my worthiness (I lost 3.4 pounds! Yay!), I wandered to the meeting area, where there was more milling and more conversation. When I had walked in, I stood behind a young lady that looked familiar. Behind me came another one, and they talked through me, barely noticing I was there. I was currently fumbling in my purse and didn't care to look up until I had my necessary paperwork that I needed, and when I looked up, I saw two old friends that I had gone to college with. We all expressed joyful surprise at seeing each other and caught up about jobs and where life had taken us in the last 10 years. We scattered off to weigh in, and one left early for work and I chatted with the other one before the meeting.
The meeting reminded me of many of the church services I had been to. It started with an affirmation, discussed our reason for being there and how we can make ourselves better. She preached about her own experiences with weight loss, made reference to the holy book "Points Plus Getting Started Guide" and passed out manna in the form of weight loss strategies and an anchoring technique. Altogether, I felt very positive about myself as I walked out the doors and towards my car.
Afterward, I went out and bought a car load of healthy food and groceries. Fruits and vegetables now overflow my fridge. I will wake up tomorrow, clean my kitchen and make myself a great Garden Vegetable soup and prepare for another great week of weight loss.
Thanks to all of my support and friends and thanks for reading!
ToryLynn
Monday, September 19, 2011
Episode 1: I hate Hospitals
It took me forever to name this blog.. but here I am, starting a new journey into a new phase of my life, all because this weekend, I got the scare of my life and it opened up my eyes.
Friday I was sitting in my reading group, getting ready to discuss Dostoevsky's short story "Dream of a Ridiculous Man" (interesting story, by the way. I recommend reading it). With midterms coming up, my grading system not working as well as I like, and after losing one of my best friends, the stress just got to me. I was sitting there, struggling without a voice in Second Life and then it happened. A stabbing in my upper left abdomen made my whole body freeze. It felt like someone was trying to take apart my ribs with a crab cracker or something. As the pain started, I breathed in deep, thinking of every lamaze class video you ever hear about where they talk about "breathing through the pain" as I didn't want to deal with it and had better things to do. But then... it got weird.
Not sure why, but as the pain increased, the urge to laugh became uncontrollable. If I tried to sit up, the pain worsened, so I leaned back in my computer chair and laughed to the sky. I couldn't stop laughing it hurt so bad. My Adorable Husband (AH) turned around to look at me, asking me if I needed to go to the hospital, but I just waved his concern away and kept laughing. This went on for probably a steady 3-5 minutes. Just laughing. It felt good to laugh.. it felt real... and sitting up wasn't a possibility.
The pain passed, eventually, and I grabbed my cell phone and immediately called the Urgent Care nurse on duty, who asked me a bunch of incredibly mundane questions to try to determine exactly what was wrong with me. After determining that it wasn't indigestion, and probably not a heart attack, she told me to call back if it happened again or got any worse. It didn't and in fact, the pain sort of faded away.
Until Saturday night.
My left arm has been - and is still - kind of numb. Not like I can't feel it or anything but it prickles from time to time. Then my chest started feeling this weird crushing tingly stabbing pain. Not the same as Friday, but still really uncomfortable nonetheless. I went to bowling with AH to work on some lesson plans and review the tests I am giving for midterms. AH comes up and asks me if I'm OK. I say I hurt a bit and ask him if my lips are blue. He says go check for myself, so I did. There was a slight purplish tinge along the lower ridge of my lips and my chest felt like it was being crushed. AH nagged me a few more times until I gave in and finally went to the E.R.
I hope I never ever ever have to be in an ER at Dameron Hospital again. Ever.
It was gross, it smelled funny, the woman in the next bed kept vomiting and the man one curtain away from her was groaning with a broken nose since he got his butt kicked at a liquor store earlier in the day and damaged parts of his face. Oddly enough, this all made me feel better, as I wasn't them. What made me feel worse was that they wanted to keep me overnight, which wouldn't have been so bad, if they had let AH stay with me.
The prospect of staying in the hospital alone, in a weird uncomfortable bed next to a woman who snored and moaned alternatively and also talked in her sleep scared the bejeezus out of me. It scared me so much, I began to sob so hard that warm salty tears ran down my face and into my ears (I was laying on my back), pooling in little weird eddies in the hollow of my ear. AH was concerned, and kept asking why I was crying, but I could not articulate the utter despair I felt at a night alone in that place. I just shook my head and kept on crying. They gave me sleeping pills and made AH leave with all of my stuff except my writing notebook and my wedding ring. I did eventually succumb to a drug induced haze and was only woken up by the beeping of some monitor on the woman behind the privacy curtain. It was 5am. Damn.
When the doctor came later, after AH came back with extra clothes, I insisted that I was going home that day - right then - if possible. The doctor dithered in her really thick Asian accent and told me that they wanted to keep me an extra day, as the treadmill stress tests were never performed on a Sunday. I told her in as polite a way as I could that I would not be spending another night in the hospital, that I wanted to go home and that I had better things to do than sit around in a room and watch crappy cable television. It was really really hard not to start yelling and crying. Finally, they let me go.
A birthday party for a one year old... some video game playing.. sub plans made.. Sunday passed.
Today I decided to change my life (again, with my prodding from AH). I went into a store front and promised, once again, that I needed to change, but this time... I needed to change with a purpose.
Today I joined Weight Watchers... again. But this time, it will be different.
This time, I am ready to change my life.
This time, I am scared to death of being in a hospital bed again, staring at a ceiling hoping that the pain goes away and I get to see AH again and feel his hand in mine.
This time, I go in knowing that I want to watch my nephews and niece grow up and become who they are.
This time, I want to be a good role model for my students and get my self-esteem and confidence from being a good person, but also from the way that I look.
This time, I am ready to change my life, because if I don't, I may not have any more life to change.
This time, it will work... because it has to if I want to keep living.
In case you were wondering, so far my EKGs and enzymes came back fine. I have to schedule a stress test with the cardiologist and start taking medication for acid reflux just in case it was just really severe indigestion brought on by anxiety and overload. I have a two week break coming up. I am going to start using it to change my life... for good.
Thanks for reading! -TL
Friday I was sitting in my reading group, getting ready to discuss Dostoevsky's short story "Dream of a Ridiculous Man" (interesting story, by the way. I recommend reading it). With midterms coming up, my grading system not working as well as I like, and after losing one of my best friends, the stress just got to me. I was sitting there, struggling without a voice in Second Life and then it happened. A stabbing in my upper left abdomen made my whole body freeze. It felt like someone was trying to take apart my ribs with a crab cracker or something. As the pain started, I breathed in deep, thinking of every lamaze class video you ever hear about where they talk about "breathing through the pain" as I didn't want to deal with it and had better things to do. But then... it got weird.
Not sure why, but as the pain increased, the urge to laugh became uncontrollable. If I tried to sit up, the pain worsened, so I leaned back in my computer chair and laughed to the sky. I couldn't stop laughing it hurt so bad. My Adorable Husband (AH) turned around to look at me, asking me if I needed to go to the hospital, but I just waved his concern away and kept laughing. This went on for probably a steady 3-5 minutes. Just laughing. It felt good to laugh.. it felt real... and sitting up wasn't a possibility.
The pain passed, eventually, and I grabbed my cell phone and immediately called the Urgent Care nurse on duty, who asked me a bunch of incredibly mundane questions to try to determine exactly what was wrong with me. After determining that it wasn't indigestion, and probably not a heart attack, she told me to call back if it happened again or got any worse. It didn't and in fact, the pain sort of faded away.
Until Saturday night.
My left arm has been - and is still - kind of numb. Not like I can't feel it or anything but it prickles from time to time. Then my chest started feeling this weird crushing tingly stabbing pain. Not the same as Friday, but still really uncomfortable nonetheless. I went to bowling with AH to work on some lesson plans and review the tests I am giving for midterms. AH comes up and asks me if I'm OK. I say I hurt a bit and ask him if my lips are blue. He says go check for myself, so I did. There was a slight purplish tinge along the lower ridge of my lips and my chest felt like it was being crushed. AH nagged me a few more times until I gave in and finally went to the E.R.
I hope I never ever ever have to be in an ER at Dameron Hospital again. Ever.
It was gross, it smelled funny, the woman in the next bed kept vomiting and the man one curtain away from her was groaning with a broken nose since he got his butt kicked at a liquor store earlier in the day and damaged parts of his face. Oddly enough, this all made me feel better, as I wasn't them. What made me feel worse was that they wanted to keep me overnight, which wouldn't have been so bad, if they had let AH stay with me.
The prospect of staying in the hospital alone, in a weird uncomfortable bed next to a woman who snored and moaned alternatively and also talked in her sleep scared the bejeezus out of me. It scared me so much, I began to sob so hard that warm salty tears ran down my face and into my ears (I was laying on my back), pooling in little weird eddies in the hollow of my ear. AH was concerned, and kept asking why I was crying, but I could not articulate the utter despair I felt at a night alone in that place. I just shook my head and kept on crying. They gave me sleeping pills and made AH leave with all of my stuff except my writing notebook and my wedding ring. I did eventually succumb to a drug induced haze and was only woken up by the beeping of some monitor on the woman behind the privacy curtain. It was 5am. Damn.
When the doctor came later, after AH came back with extra clothes, I insisted that I was going home that day - right then - if possible. The doctor dithered in her really thick Asian accent and told me that they wanted to keep me an extra day, as the treadmill stress tests were never performed on a Sunday. I told her in as polite a way as I could that I would not be spending another night in the hospital, that I wanted to go home and that I had better things to do than sit around in a room and watch crappy cable television. It was really really hard not to start yelling and crying. Finally, they let me go.
A birthday party for a one year old... some video game playing.. sub plans made.. Sunday passed.
Today I decided to change my life (again, with my prodding from AH). I went into a store front and promised, once again, that I needed to change, but this time... I needed to change with a purpose.
Today I joined Weight Watchers... again. But this time, it will be different.
This time, I am ready to change my life.
This time, I am scared to death of being in a hospital bed again, staring at a ceiling hoping that the pain goes away and I get to see AH again and feel his hand in mine.
This time, I go in knowing that I want to watch my nephews and niece grow up and become who they are.
This time, I want to be a good role model for my students and get my self-esteem and confidence from being a good person, but also from the way that I look.
This time, I am ready to change my life, because if I don't, I may not have any more life to change.
This time, it will work... because it has to if I want to keep living.
In case you were wondering, so far my EKGs and enzymes came back fine. I have to schedule a stress test with the cardiologist and start taking medication for acid reflux just in case it was just really severe indigestion brought on by anxiety and overload. I have a two week break coming up. I am going to start using it to change my life... for good.
Thanks for reading! -TL
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